Signs found in shops, restaurants, coffee bars and other retail establishments:

       Be hand same man by this bar ber

       If into the lion you wish to go, queue up under the over

       Plawn cock tails

       Gland opening every month

       This umblella made from grass fiber handle

       What a cool we are!

       Be comfy in our rounge

       Use scissor to clack the lobster shell of the hard one

       Make Everything Go The Way You Want It Unbelievably

       We have coffee for the everyone which drink it lots. Nice hot and cold one.

       That this garmet meets our traditiona standart of quality

Memos to employees of a Japanese travel agency located in London:

    Do not speak of client outside company as many people wishing to pork affairs of client.

    I sick and stay in bed with a clod.

    Please advise where the pope lives. We think in Rome.

    If clients not meet Marglet Sacher, we lose face. (Margaret Thatcher??)

    Tour name changed from UKY MEMBRANES to UKY STUDY TOUR
    as client thinks people not understand porpose.

    Client claimed us that hard schedule made him fall asleep and burn face in hot soup.

    Please arrange for pee-pee stop en route.

    Please tell hotel to use rubber sheets as this customer has wet-bedding problem.

    One pax (passenger??) lost ashes of dead husband. Please check.

    Tell me about your car because everybody in Tokyo wants to drive my car.

    Our client likes to manufacture bed slippers for the urine.

Slogans on the print envelopes when you get your film developed
include English phrases which simply throb with deep meaning.

    Color Print. Beautiful Color. Through the photograph you make new
    friends and keep up such good relationships.

    Palette Collection. We love to try them on. A photograph can run our
    imaginary writing brush, give us a free emotion. The one who heartily
    releases numerous shutters of the subjects with rising emotion, he will be
    able to open a happy exhibition.

    Both a bird in the sky and we are the same creature. They tell us the truth
    that if you want to take the lively pictures, you have to feel the breath of them.

Any Japanese popular song without at least a bit of English in the title is
headed for the trash. Here are just a few that were 'hittus.'

       Active, My Dream
       Yellow Yellow Happy
       Joy to the Love
       Stay Gold
       Heart of Sword
       Beat Your Heart
       Breathless Night Slider
       Body Feels Exit
       Like a Hard Rain
       Real Thing Shakes
       Anytime Smokin' Cigarette
       Star Fruits Surf Rider
       Dansick
       Dear My Friend
       Do you Crash?
       Beat So Lonely All Night Long
       Hate Tell a Lie

The lyrics to Ryuichi Kawamura's hit song, Love Is:

       You are my only
       You are my treasure
       I'd give you my whole thing
       Even if you don't want it

Traffic instructions in an English language handbook:

       At the rise of the hand policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him by or
       otherwise disrespect him.

       When a passenger of the foot hove in view, tootle the horn; trumpet at him
       melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with
       vigor and express by word of mouth warning, "Hi, Hi."

       Beware of the wandering hourse that he shall not take fright as you pass
       him by. Do not explode the exhaust box at him. Go soothingly by.

       Give great space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway.

       Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes.

       Go soothingly on the grease road as there lurks the skid demon.

       Press the brake of the foot as you roll around corner to save collapse and tie up.

       When meeting an advancing person tootle your horn vigorously and he will disappear.

       Vertical parking only.

       Have many accidents here.

       Try bigger and bigger but keep more and more slowly.

       Let's reduce noise by ourselves.

       Cars will not have intercourse on this bridge.