OK, enough sarcasm about the Japanese garbling English words in their advertising.  Their mistakes are not even close to the way that I mangle Japanese.  I speak Japanese worse than any person on the planet. 

Japanese was so hard for me to learn .. some non-firing language synapse in my brain made it impossible to learn to speak it .. let alone read it .. when I was 15, and it never got any easier.  I should have tried harder, particularly after ...

The Initiation .. It happened soon after we moved from out in the boondocks, in the rice paddies, into Washington Heights.  Three guys about my age asked if I wanted to go out with them to a Japanese bar .. and they didn't have to ask me twice.  I had heard that bartenders couldn't tell our age .. and didn't care .. and it was true!  We took a 50 Yen taxi to some small joint not too far away in Shibuya.  One of my friends was Nisei, and he spoke to the bartender in Japanese.  We each had a double shot of some serious firewater, and my throat was aflame.  There were some kind of round, salty munchies on the table, and I grabbed a handful.  My friend ordered another, and everyone said, "Kampai!," and we chugged that one.  As soon as that was down, he ordered another.  I was not ready for an encore, but I didn't come down here to listen to my friends call me a lightweight .. so I had a third .. and my head started to spin. 

Thankfully, they stopped ordering, but they started singing songs .. in Japanese .. that I had no earthly idea how to follow .. these guys were serious party types .. they even sang Japanese drinking songs. 

Then they ordered another round .. and I was having serious doubts if I was going to be able to make it.  Drink #4 was the clincher.  Within minutes of quaffing that puppy, I was .. hmmm .. well, there's no need to go into the disgusting details, but drunk is only part of it.  Out of control.  Sick as a dog.  They pulled me into a taxi, laughing all the way home.  Then they dropped me by our quarters.  I got into massive trouble over that little adventure.  It made me really cautious after that .. to the point of paranoia ..  about someone getting me drunk.  Especially when, months later, I found out what they had done .. they'd done it to others ..

The Initiation was their little joke on newcomers.  What they had done at the bar was make the same order each time .. 
Omizu wo mittsu kudasai (three waters .. for them)
Shochu wo hitotsu kudasai (one shochu .. stronger-than-sake rice wine.. for the tenderfoot) 
Shochu looks exactly like water and kicks like a mule; it wasn't a tough joke to pull off.

After that, I tried and tried, but Japanese was just an enigma to me.  I never was able to speak much more than basic phrases, just enough to get me around.  I have to confess .. there was a certain amount of laziness, as well.  During the post-occupation days, it seemed half of the Japanese population spoke English .. because there were so many Americans over there to sell something to. 

Years later, I returned to Tokyo twice in two years on business.  I was determined to learn some phrases before I left, so as not to look like the complete barbarian that I really was.  After all, my Japanese hosts knew that I had lived there, and they were going to expect some kind of communication from me, other than, "Where is Shinjuku Station?"  So, I buckled down and studied .. more than when I had lived in Japan.  Books, tapes, the whole tourist thing.  For a whole month.  I was going to speak Japanese when I got there. 

I should never have bothered.

Here's the problem ..

Many, MANY Japanese words sound like OTHER Japanese words.

If you are even one sound off, you could be saying something entirely different and 
not even know you made the error.  It takes YEARS to get all the nuances right.

In a grocery store, I was looking for some oranges to buy, but the clerk was so shocked that I thought he was going to call the police when ..
I wanted to say: "Kudamono ga doko desu ka?" - Where are the fruits (to buy)?
But, what I said was: "Kodomo ga doko desu ka?" - Where are the children (to buy)?

At a restaurant, I wondered why the waiter kept giving me strange looks when  ..
I wanted to say: "Yaki-niku ni shimasu." - I'll take the roast beef.
But, what I said was: "Yaki-neko ni shimasu." - I've decided on the roast cat.

I was trying to share konyaku, a veggie, at dinner .. and getting wrinkled brows when ..
I wanted to say: "Konyaku ga hoshii desu ka?" - Do you want some 'konyaku'?
What I said: "Konyoku ga hoshii desu ka?" - Do you want to have a bath with me?

I managed to gross everyone out, when asked a simple question about mochi, 
a marshmallow-like treat, made with pounded rice, which is sometimes served 
with anko, a nasty-tasting bean paste, in the middle, when ..
She said: "Mochi ga suki desu ka?" - Do you like mochi?
and I wanted to say: "Sou desu ne! Mochi ga suki desu ga anko mochi kirai n desu." -
You bet! I like mochi but I don't like mochi made with bean paste (anko).
But, what I said was: "Sou desu ne! Mochi ga suki desu ga unko mochi kirai n desu." -
Yes! I like mochi but I don't like mochi made with human or animal excrement (unko).

I came this close to getting my face slapped when ..
My friend said : "Kochira wa Mako-san." - I would like you to meet Ms. Mako.
I bowed, and said: "Hajimemashite Manko-san." - Pleased to meet you, Ms. Vagina

My traveling companion immediately sat on the other side of the train when ..
She asked me: "Nan jikan matta?" - How long did you wait?
And I said: "Boku wa ichi chikan matta." - I waited like a pervert.

I asked for a souvenir stand in the wrong place when ..
I was directed to the toilet (toire) but I really had wanted to go 
sightseeing at the local temple (otera).

The hotel conceirge wondered if I had brought some odd pets from America when ..
I asked about finding the "hae ishya"(fly doctor) and
I should have asked for the "ha ishya"(tooth doctor, or dentist).

People really began to wonder about where I spent last Saturday night when ..
I wanted to say: "Dansu o shi ni ikimashita." - I went dancing.
But, what I said was: "Tansu ni ikimashita." - I went to the closet.

The Center for Infectious Diseases was called out when ..
I called my hotel manager to complain about
the mold in my closet (oshirei)
only to discover that I had accidentally complained about
the mold on my rear end (oshiri).

So, I made an even bigger fool of myself this time around .. worse than not speaking any Japanese at all.  I should have resorted to my age-old method .. pointing, showing pictures of what I wanted or keeping matchbooks from whichever joint I wanted to return to .. and showing the matchbook to the taxi driver.  I got through three years in Japan that way.  Never again will I try to learn Japanese in four weeks.

When they finally perfect a Star Trek-like portable translator you carry with you (and, believe me, it will be the Japanese who finally do it), then I'll try it again.  Until then ..
here's a pretty good:  Japanese-English online dictionary