• you claim a seat at a McDonald's by putting your bag on it, fully expecting 
   it to still be there when you return with your burger. 
• you rush onto an elevator, and just stand there waiting for the attendant. 
• you expect the elevator girl to announce every floor for you, 
  even if you are alone with her. 
• you find yourself bowing while you talk on the phone. 
• you think US $17 isn't such a bad price for a new paperback. 
• you don't hesitate to put a $10 note into a vending machine. 
• you are talking on the telephone to your parents and your father 
   says, "Why are you interrupting my explanation with grunts?" 
• you see a gaijin (foreigner) get on the train and think "Wow, it's a gaijin!" 
• you start thinking vending machine coffee in a can tastes good. 
• you notice you've forgotten how to tie shoelaces. 
• you have trouble figuring out how many syllables there really are in 
   words like 'building'. 
• you wait for the first day of summer to wear short sleeve dress shirts. 
• the first option you buy for your car is  a TV set. 
• you don't think it unusual for a truck to play "It's a Small World" 
   when backing up. 
• you begin to spell last names in CAPITAL LETTERS. 
• you leave your expensive bottle of Royal Salute with a sleazy 
   barkeeper and don't worry. 
• you can listen to the ads on F.E.N. Radio without falling all over the floor laughing. 
• you pore over the jikokuhyo (timetable) looking for ways to  
   avoid riding the shinkansen (bullet train). 
• you appear for your first skiing lesson with brand new Rossignol 
   high performance racing skis and an aerodynamic racing suit with color 
   matched goggles .. and then snowplow down. 
• you buy a potato-and-strawberry sandwich for lunch without cringing. 
• you squat waiting for a bus to come. 
• you phone an English-speaking gaijin friend and somehow can't bring 
   yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation. 
• you stop enjoying telling newcomers to Japan 'all about Japan'. 
• you remember non-wanman (one-man) buses in the Tokyo area. 
• you remember when the exchange rate was 360 yen per dollar. 
• you begin all sentences with: "ano-ne" (attention). 
• you automatically remember all  important year dates in Showa (1926-89) numbers. 
• you think every foreign movie title contains the word 'love.' 
• people stop complimenting you on your Japanese, and start asking you 
   where you had your nose and eyes done. 
• you still remember your first drive in your brand new Toyopet. 
• you wonder why Prince Akihito is already getting grey hair, and why 
   you don't see much of the Emperor these days. 
• you think Masako is beautiful and Hillary is cute. 
• you spend all your time trying to think of reasons why you've been 
   too long in Japan. 
• you find a beautiful way to eat natto (fermented soybeans). 
• you're considering buying an ashtray for your bicycle. 
• you are not worried about speeding in the rain, because you know the 
   cops are only out there in good weather. 
• you think birds cry. 
• you think "English literature major" is a polite way to say peanut-brained bimbo. 
• you are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the 
   woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment, 
   even though you'll probably never ever meet her again. 
• you get blasted by a political speaker truck and think "sho ganai." ($%#&*@!) 
• you think its cool to stand in the "Japanese only" queue at Narita Immigration. 
• you go to New Zealand and consider traveling around by train. 
• you develop a liking for green tea flavored ice cream. 
• in talking to your mother on the phone, she asks you what "genki" (an ATM) means. 
• you think the best part of TV are the commercials. 
• you think wet umbrellas need condoms. 
• your mother talks about "you foreigners." 
• your children call you Otosan/Okasan (father/mother). 
• matter of fact, you've never even been skiing, but the rack looks 
   great on the car. 
• you have mastered the art of simultaneous bowing and hand-shaking. 
• you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's 
   apartment to see if anybody's home. 
• your top is thinning and you consider it "bar code style". 
• when you find nothing unusual in a television commercial for candy in 
   which a model dressed in a high school girl's uniform comes up behind 
   another model dressed in a high school girl's uniform, grabs her left 
   breast, gives a devilish grin, and skips away. 
• you think the natural location for a beer garden is on a roof. 
• you think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser. 
• you ride a Honda Cub with a sidecar. 
• you think nothing about seeing 20 ads for women's' sanitary napkins 
   during one movie. 
• you have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your 
   chopstick skills. 
• you think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate 
   answer to the question, "What are you giving me, doctor?". 
• you remember when Yamamoto Linda came on at the very end of the show 
   (NHK's Yume de Aimashou) and kept her mouth shut. 
• you have discovered the sexual attraction of high school navy uniforms. 
• you no longer find anything unusual in the concept of "Vermont curry". 
• you think 4 layers of wrapping is reasonable for a simple piece of merchandise. 
• you don't find anything strange about a city that puts a life sized, 
   red-and-white painted Eiffel tower imitation in its centre, as well as 
   a scale model of the Versaille Palace for its Crown Prince. 
• you begin to spell "center" as "centre" and "favorite" as "favourite." 
• you are only slightly puzzled by "Melty Kiss." 
• a new gaijin moves to your neighborhood and you know immediately you 
   will get his mail for a while. 
• you think the meaning of a red traffic light is: "Hurry up! 10 cars 
   now in quick succession, and then we'll think about slowing down." 
• you get on a train with a number of gaijin on it and you feel 
   uneasy because the "wa" (the harmony) is broken. 
• you ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have 
   you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them. 
• looking out the window of your office, you think "Wow, so many 
   trees!" instead of "Wow, so much concrete!" 
• you find yourself thinking "Great!  It's almost time for Paul 
   Harvey, I have to turn on the radio." 
• you think NHK is "the Japanese BBC." 
• you think curry rice is food. 
• the Yakult lady knows you by name. 
• you think it is quite OK to play volleyball with 12 people per team. 
• when in the middle of nowhere, totally surrounded by rice fields and 
   abundant nature, you aren't surprised to find a drink vending machine 
   with no visible means of a power supply. 
• and when you think nothing of it when that lonely vending machine 
   says "thank you" after you buy a Coke. 
• you stand before a sign on a bridge and ponder the possible meanings 
   of "Bridge Freezes Before Road." 
• it takes fifteen seconds of deep thought to recall the first name of 
   the President of the United States. 
• you have a favorite bush to pee behind. 
• the TV commercials make sense to you. 
• a non-Japanese sits down next to you on the train and you get up and 
   move.  You're not prejudiced, but who knows what they might do? 
• you are outwardly appalled to see someone pour miso shiru (miso soup) over rice, 
   but neko meshi (do it in private yourself) . 
• when having gaijin around you is a source of stress. 
• you only have 73 transparent, plastic umbrellas in your entrance 
   because you have donated 27 to the JR and various taxi companies in the 
   past few months. 
• you have over 100 small, transparent plastic umbrellas in your 
   entrance even *after* donating 27 of them to taxis and JR recently. 
• you realize it's perfectly reasonable for the Post Office to 
   designate you as the local redistribution agent for all letters 
   addressed in yokomoji (European writing). 
• when you absolutely do not possess the ability to mispronounce 
   Japanese words "like a non-Japanese would." 
• when you pay over 6000 yen for a lipstick and realize a few days 
   later how much you really spent. 
• when you're arguing with someone about the color of the traffic light 
   being blue or green and you think it's blue. 
• you think that, in a crowd of Japanese, the presence of another 
   foreigner breaks the "wa," although for some reason your presence doesn't. 
• you are proud of yourself for beating the system by buying a case of 
   Labbatt's Blue for 160 yen a can. 
• you can't have your picture taken without your fingers forming the peace sign. 
• you think rice imports should be prohibited, because Japanese 
   consumers would never buy imported rice. 
• when you forget how to spell simple words like "wear" 
• when you think one kind of rice tastes better than another kind. 
• when you rush home from work to catch the last few minutes of sumo. 
• you get a "Nihongo ga joozu" and feel really insulted. 
• you see a road with two lanes going in the same direction and assume 
   the one on the left is meant for parking. 
• when you think Japan actually has only four seasons 
• when you pull out your ruler to underline words. 
• when getting ready for a trip you automatically calculate for omiyage (souvenirs) 
   and you leave just the right amount of space in your suitcase for them. 
• you manage yankii-zuwari without anything propping up your heels. 
• not only do you overcome your childhood training and spit out the 
   mikan membranes, but you discover the knack of peeling the mikan so that 
   the peel forms a neat receptacle for you to spit the membranes into. 
• you watch the grocer's with interest to see when the price of mikans will break. 
• on a cold autumn night, all  you want for dinner is nabe (stew) and nihonshu (sake). 
• you return the bow from the cash machine. 
• you can't find the "open" and "close" buttons in the elevator because 
   they're in English. 
• when you think children should have to walk around in the freezing 
   cold with only short sleeves and shorts up to their butt (to make them strong!). 
• when you think that coffee goes perfectly well with squid pizza. 
• when the Christmas music in the stores does not make you feel at all 
   sentimental like it used to. 
• you can do arithmetic using man, oku, cho and kei.  
• you sympathize with your Japanese student because her daughter is 
   baka (stupid) because she wears spring tops with winter skirts and you sit down 
   to try and see what can be done about this wild child. 
• you count things with chuu chuu tako kai na.  
• you can't read your kids the Three Little Pigs without giggling when 
   you get the part about "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin" (penis). 
• you bow to other drivers who give you the right of way. 
• you mention "Japan Times" and "objective" in one sentence. 
• you fully understand the concept of "cuteness" 
• you look forward to the porno reviews at midnight on Fuji TV. 
• when you believe that the perfect side dish to eat with a juicy, 
   deep-fried pork chop is a pile of raw, tasteless, shredded cabbage. 
• it doesn't surprise you that a case of beer has the same per unit price as a single can. 
• you think cod roe spaghetti with chilled red wine is a typical Italian dish. 
• Natsukashii (yearning for something dear) comes out of your mouth instead of  
  "What you're saying makes me so nostalgic that I must look like one of those wide- 
    eyed manga characters with a tear rolling out of its eye." 
• walking into a crowded bar full of non-Japanese makes you nervous, 
   because they "look dangerous." 
• you buy a Christmas cake on Christmas eve. 
• you walk to the local 7-11 in your wife's shoes. 
• you run for the Yamanote line pushing people left and right, jump on 
   the train holding the doors open to let your bag follow you on .. because 
   you know there will not be another one for at least a minute. 
• you no longer pay any attention to what anyone does when you sit down 
   beside them on a train. 
• when you accompany your "no" by the famous waving hand-in-front-of-nose. 
• when it all seems normal. 
• when you're impressed with a girl with a 94 cm bust. 
• when you write or phone home and say things like "In Japan, we .. " 
• you find yourself apologizing at least three times per conversation. 
• when you let your car idle for half an hour while you go shopping. 
• you find your self asking all your foreign acquaintances what their 
   blood types are. 
• you find yourself practicing golf swings with your umbrella on the 
   train platform. 
• you take practice golf swings on the train platform without an 
   umbrella in your hand. 
• you buy an individually wrapped potato in the supermarket. 
• you think that "Lets SPORTS yOUNG gAY CluB" is a perfectly normal  
   t-shirt logo for a middle-aged lady. 
• you have to pause and translate your phone number into English 
   before telling it to someone. 
• you are speaking in English but all references to money come out in Japanese. 
• you go to a book shop with the full intention to read all the 
   interesting magazines and put them back on the shelf. 
• you're careful to specify a nonsmoking seat on the flight from Denver 
   to St. Louis. 
• when you forget to hit the bilingual switch while watching Clinton on the TV. 
• you schedule your commute around the availability of seats on the train. 
• you think sushi at a baseball game is perfectly normal (also applies 
   to "too long in California"). 
• your idea of a larger home is an extra 10 square meters. 
• you leave your office mid-morning and go to a coffee shop in order to 
   get some work done. 
• you go for a drink with friends back home and start pouring 
   everybody's beer. 
• your sister starts making pointed comments about your American spelling. 
• when you vow to gambaru before every little activity you engage in. 
• you pull up at a gas station and wait for a bunch of Norman Rockwell 
   type attendants to jump out and clean your windshield. 
• when you say that one of your hobbies is "doraibu" (driving around). 
• when you stupidly wait for a kampai! (cheers!) at a gaijin party. 
• you think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf 
   and a feather duster in the trunk. 
• when you wait for the first day of summer to wear short sleeve dress shirts. 
• you ask a gaijin colleague who wears short sleeves in October, 
   "Aren't you cold?" 
• when the first option you buy for your car is  a TV set. 
• lunch is yesterday's leftovers out of a "Hello Kitty"  
   bento box (box lunch with a cartoon cat). 
• when when you draw a sharp distinction between "English" and "English 
   conversation." 
• you use the "slasher hand" and continuous bowing to make your way 
   through a crowd. 
• all your December Sundays are reserved for Bonenkai ( year-end party) hangover  
   recovery. 
• you really enjoy corn soup with your Big Mac. 
• you are disappointed when a U.S. Domino's doesn't have corn pizza, and the 
   American driver is disappointed when you forget the tip. 
• you glance at the clock and accurately predict the next line of 
   dialog in the TV drama. 
• you feel an irresistible urge to point your windshield wipers 
   outwards when you park your car in a ski resort. 
• you go to a coffee shop in your home country and order "American coffee." 
• you put eleven 10 yen coins in the vending machine before you notice 
   it's sold out. 
• you see some real cleavage and think WOW! 
• you buy tickets to a Tigers' game and spend time practicing the cheers. 
• you forget about July 4th, but get all worked up over Tanabata. 
• it takes you three attempts to fill in a check correctly. 
• you have to think about it to remember what a 'check' is. 
• when you develop the fine sense of Japanese manners that prevents you 
   from  facing traffic when you take a leak outside. 
• you enjoy drinking until you vomit. 
• you start shunning foreigners you meet far away from your 
   metropolitan abode in Tokyo (they're probably not worth talking to, you know). 
• you remember when shochu (rice wine) was not a chic drink drunk by high  
   school girls, but rather one drunk under the railroad tracks by construction 
   workers who never take off their haramaki (stomach band). 
• you remember when the average Japanese person under about 30 did not 
   have a telephone. 
• you remember when telephones were almost always placed near the front 
   door and next to them was placed a little box or jar to receive 10 yen 
   coins from people who stopped by to 'borrow' your phone. 
• you remember when public telephones had just been put out on the 
   street that could be used for out-of-city calls as well as inside the 
   city, and had a sign on them to indicate this new high-tech function. 
• back in the States for a short visit, you patiently wait outside your 
   taxi for its door to spring open for you. 

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