Some inventions from Japan just don't pan out.  Well, think about the culture.  There is great comfort in accepted behavior.  People don't like to stand out from the crowd. There is a strong fear of failure and of losing face.  First movers are not applauded in Japan. The Lone Ranger is not a hero.  One man against the odds is anathema.

So, many of the inventions have a ... ummm .. weird .. kinda vibe to them.

Herewith, for your personal judgment as to commercial viability, are a gaggle of gimcracks and geegaws from the Edisons of Edo.

The first collection are photos from actual products that were made .. but are still waiting for that flood of orders to pour in.  The second collection are actual drawings from patent applications.
 

Back Scratching T-shirt The principle was OK .. I guess.  "No, it doesn't itch on G6.  Yes, F5, that's it! That feels great!"  Just think for a moment .. when you wear the shirt, your back won't itch. And when you don't wear the shirt, your back will definitely itch. And how do you know which space is F5 or G6 when it's all in back of you?? Duh!!	Cat Duster Booties Well, the cat isn't doing anything anyway. It might as well earn its keep by dusting the floor.

Doggie Walking Treadmill This was obviously invented by some lazy slob who was sick of "walkies" with his dog.  One day, he discovers that the treadmill he bought three years ago and he only used twice, is taking up too much room in his 5-tatami apartment.  *Ding!*  Notice the electric cord, though.  That means little Yoki keeps walking, whether he wants to or not.  What happens if little Yoki sits and scratches his ear with his rear paw? Ooops!   There goes little Yoki UNDER the treadmill! Here he comes back again!  There he goes under again!

Nap Man (or Woman, as the case may be)  Slave-driving Japanese bosses have now introduced the "Nap Man" to the work place.  No matter if you spend 5 hours commuting each day, if you dare to nod off at work, "Nap Man" gives you a friendly 1 volt *ZZZTTTTT!* to urge you back to work.  The traditional "three strikes" rule, of course, applies to frequent noxious nappers.  Don't ask what voltage THAT is!

Wabot-2, the robot organist He's been programmed with all the musical compositions known to man, woman or child.  He's the hit of every Tokyo karaoke bar .. that is, he WAS ..  until some drunk dropped a drink on him.  He short-circuited and began continuously playing the Complete Works of Doug Clark & the Hot Nuts ("Hot nuts, hot nuts, get 'em from the peanut man," "Roly, poley, tickle my holey" & more), the ribald version of "Louie, Louie" and every gross American fraternity song ad infinitum. It was attributed to a chip shipped from Phi Sigma Kappa, which was discovered (too late) not to be a U.S. electronics firm.

The Earthquake Bed At the first rumble, this tent rolls up the track, made of material like that in police bullet-proof vests. It's only ¥1,750,000 = about $17,500!! at friendly mortgage rates from your Bank of Japan. What happens if you happen to be making love (to your wife, of course!) and the bed THINKS it's an earthquake?? That's assuming, n'est-ce pas?, that you can still make those kind of moves without throwing your back out!  Standing up in bed at those times would not be advised, since decapitation would not put you in the best mood in the morning.  You know (speaking of high school), doesn't it look like those nasty, grody old tumbling mats they had in the school gym?  Covered with 20 years of perspiration! Ugh! Let's move on.

The Cat Annoyer or Three Mouse Monte for Maximum Feline Aggravation The idea is something like a puppet show for cats.  The actors, of course, are fuzzy mice that dart in an out of their "mouse holes," and controlled by the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain (you're not supposed to let the cat see your hands, doofus .. on the other hand, it'll never figure it out!).  I guarantee that, once you leave the house, the cat will have that thing shredded into 8 zillion pieces by the time you get home.

Cat Exerciser This inventor had a lot of nerve to re-package his old supply of laser pens that you turn on and off and flip around the room, making the cat slightly manic and psychotic from trying to catch it.  "There it is, Fluffy, get it!  Oh, there it is! It moved, get it quick!  Where did it go, Fluff?"  You notice the cat owner is sitting on his tukus while making his cat crazy  .. or is it craziER? Cats are not the most sane animals there are.  This would only work on an animal that will sit and stare at a blank wall for three hours.  Can you even imagine a dog falling for this?  Never! (Ed note: the editor's cat/dog bias does NOT play a part here, so don't even think about writing to complain.)

Sound-Enhanced Beer Mug  (a guy thing) The absolute classiest gift (set of 6 = $45.00) you could get for yourself and bring out when the relatives come to overstay their welcome.  Pour everyone a beer, then let them take a drink.  As they set the mug back down, it activates the sound in its computer chip imbedded in the base - that special refined and sophisticated male bonding ritual - the burp!  And, no, you can't turn it off.  And, yes, your wife will just love it! Guaranteed!  Hmmm .. whose clothes are those thrown on the front lawn?

Toilet Night Illuminator (another guy thing) OK, I'll admit it .. the underlying idea is great.  You gotta go at 3:00 AM and no way do you wanna turn on the lights, 'cause then you'll wake all the way up and not get back to sleep.  So, you stumble into the john and .. voila!  The toilet is illuminated in green neon all the way around underneath the bowl.  "We have target acquisition, men!  Gunner! At my command!"  One thing, though .. one little thingie! This apparatus is plugged into the wall.  If you miss the dead center and hit one of the leads ..  did you know that electricity travels UP a stream of liquid? Just thought you should know.

(OK, OK, here's one for the ladies) The Diaper Moisture Alarm Battery-operated.  One word - *BZZZZZZZZTT!!*

The Entertainer (heh, heh .. yet another guy thing) Direct quote from the patent application: "A urinal (8) with amusement features. Discourages the inadvertent or intentional diversion of urine outside the proper receptacle. Urine is detected by pressure or temperature sensors (12), sending an electrical signal to a control unit (16). This activates a loudspeaker (28) and video screen (24), to provide audio and visual signals. The combination of sight and sound may be varied by the user upon proper direction of the urine stream, and the user is actively involved in his own amusement."  *SIGH!*  Do I have to repeat it again?? Uhhhhhhh.....liquid plus electricity equals **BZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!*

Sun Tattoo Cap Wear it backward (like there's any other way kids wear them?) in the sun and .. guess what?  You get skin cancer engraved on your forehead in the name of your favorite team. Duh!

Combination Sparrow Trap and Cat Feeder P.E.T.A. members: do not contact me! Find the inventor! This apparently releases birds smaller than sparrows. Sparrows (so he says) are pesky little creatures.  Oh, I see, and cats are NOT?  This doesn't seem quite fair.  After just seeing "Gladiator," I think the sparrow should get a fighting chance .. at least give it a little suit of armor and a sword!  Can't you see the bird raising its little sword? "Those who are about to die salute you!"

	Motorcycle Air Bag #56 in this drawing is a wall, if you hadn't guessed, that the rider has just hit at highway speed.   I understand that this inventor is looking for celebrity endorsements, so he's trying to convince some cycle-riding, black eyeliner-wearing, punk rock star to duplicate the above drawing for real!  Well, they're brain dead anyway.

The Pet Potty All right, just imagine your boss comes over to dinner, and he has to wash his hands first.  As he turns on the faucets, he gets to watch as your dog (or your cat) edges past him in the bathroom, walks up the little steps (22), squats and does its business into the tray (20), then trots down the little steps again, while the automatic sensor detects that it has "company," and plops it down into the bowl (12).  Now, there's a tasty little (non-)appetizer to dissipate his desire for dinner.  You didn't really want that promotion, did you?

WAIT!!! Is that disbelief I detect??  You don't believe the Pet Potty is real?? That pets don't really use the toilet to do their business?  In Japan, anything is possible!  Or, didn't you know that?  Your pampered pooch in Paducah may only know that the toilet is a drinking bowl.  But Japanese pets are considerably better trained.  Since there is less real estate on which pets can do their business, Japanese pet owners send their pets out for training classes.  The results are stunning!  Consider these two .. and swallow that disbelief!!
Now you can see why they need the Pet Potty - cats can't flush!

Not content to give the world the Pet Potty, here is the Portable Pet Potty Now, I want to know the truth!!  Was this invented by the same woman who wanted to put diapers on the police horses, so that she wasn't offended by their .. uhhh .. masculinity?  It had to be. Or was it another lazy inventor who's decided he has used a doggy pooper scooper for the last time? And did he think a dog wouldn't have this off in ten seconds? And in the worst possible place? Like your parents' living room! Full, of course!

The Mirror Fishing Lure Some fishermen are nutcases over the sport, and one I know actually talks to the fish.  It takes a special nutcase, though, to think fish care what they look like.  "I wonder if this outfit makes me look fat?  Or is that another fish? Hmm?  What's that? A shiny?  Oooh, two of them.  I think I'll put both of them in my mouth before the other fish gets to it.  Oh, wait! This hurts!  Why is that other fish thrashing around too?"

The Doggie Shower No, this was not developed by Dr. Jack Kervorkian for your old and ailing pets (but it looks like it).  It's really a shower.  If you think Old Rover (isn't there a Mother Hubbard rhyme to go with that?) fights his bathy now, wait 'til you try to put him in this!

This is what I call the "Scarf Bucket" or the "Pig Out Trough" This is truly intended for people who eat in their car, so you don't slop the food all over your shirt before you get to work.  It catches the spill.  Hmmmmm .. why not just bypass the "holding it in your hand" phase, and just fill the thing up with food .. and scarf it down while driving?!  Hmmmm again .. ever notice how the Japanese eat rice??  This may be no big leap forward.

	A Cold Weather Glove  For courting couples who wish to maintain palm-to-palm contact while holding hands. It has a common palm section, but two separate sets of fingers. Does this appear as dumb to you as it does to me?? Or am I just getting to be an old fart?  Don't answer that!

A Horse-powered Minibus Verbatim per the patent application: "The horse walks along an endless conveyor belt treadmill in the middle of the bus. This drives the wheels via a gearbox. A thermometer under the horse's collar is connected to the vehicle instrument panel. The driver can signal to the horse using a handle, which brings a mop into contact with the horse." Oh, now WAIT just a minute!!   Have you ever gone inside a horse trailer and taken a whiff of that ODOR permeating even the PAINT?? *Gag!*   And the Japanese are so concerned with cleanliness? "Ahh, Toshio-san, welcome to the company meeting.  I can sense that your chauffeur today was a Clydesdale!"

Outdoor Thermometer A thermometer?  What the .. ??  Oh, I see! Remember the saying, "It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" Well, this is the brass monkey.  3 feet tall! When the temperature drops below 32° .. see steps 16 through 21 above.  Clank, clank, clank! Yeah, right! I'm gonna go right out and get one for my old Aunt Polly's yard.  The town gossips will love it.

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