The Retropoet

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Here is something funny to lighten up your
day:


***********   WHAT TO DO WITH HOTEL SOAP
**********************

=============================================================
The following letters are purported to be
taken from an actual
incident between a hotel and one of its
guests. The Hotel ended up
submitting the letters to the London Sunday
Times.
*******************************
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little
bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own
bath-sized Dial. Please 
remove the six unopened little bars from the
shelf under the medicine 
chest and another three in the shower soap
dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
*******************************
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back
tomorrow, Thursday, 
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
of the shower soap dish 
as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of
your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the
Management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope
this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
*******************************
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my
note to her concerning 
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my
room this evening I 
found you had added 3 little Camays to the
shelf under my medicine 
cabinet.  I am going to be here in the hotel
for two weeks and have 
brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need
those 6 little Camays 
which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing 
teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
*******************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid
left 3 hotel soaps 
which we are instructed by the management. I
took the 6 soaps 
which were in your way on the shelf and put
them in the soap 
dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in
the medicine cabinet 
for your convenience. 
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps
which are always 
placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new
check-ins and 
which you did not object to when you checked
in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can be of further
assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty
*******************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed
me this morning 
that you called him last evening and said you
were unhappy with your 
maid service.  I have assigned a new girl to
your room.  I hope you 
will accept my apologies for any past
inconvenience. If you have any 
future complaints please contact me so I can
give it my personal 
attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
*******************************
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since
I leave the hotel 
for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back
before 5:30 or 6PM.  
That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last
night. You were already
off
duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
anything about those 
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned
me must have 
thought I was a new check-in today, since she
left another 3 bars 
of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery 
of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24
little bars of soap. Why
are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
*******************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop
delivering soap to 
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can
be of further 
assistance, please call extension 1108 between
8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
*******************************
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of
soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial.  I came
in late last night 
and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4
little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
*******************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine
Carmen, of your soap 
problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in
your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap
each time they service 
a room.  The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept 
my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
*******************************
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in
my room? I came in 
last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I
don't want 54 little 
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of
bath-size Dial. Do you 
realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?  All I
want is my bath size
Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
*******************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room
so I had them 
removed.  Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder
that all your soap 
was missing so I personally returned them. The
24 Camays which 
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
supposed to receive daily.
I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets.  Obviously 
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned
your soaps so she 
also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily
Camays. I don't know where 
you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate 
some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
*******************************
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on
my latest soap 
inventory.

As of today I possess:

      - On the shelf under medicine cabinet -
18 Camay in 4 stacks 
of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

      - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in
2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.

      - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3
Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2
stacks of 4.

      - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay
in 3 stacks of 4 and 
1 stack of 2.

      - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay,
very moist.

      - On the northeast corner of tub - 1
Cashmere Bouquet, 
slightly used.

      - On the northwest corner of tub - 6
Camays in 2 stacks of 
3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to
make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please
advise her that stacks 
of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I
suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an
excellent spot for 
future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial 
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order
to avoid further
misunderstandings.

S. Berman
*******************************
-- 
Wasn't that fun???


*******************************************************
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*******************************************************

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