My story of Anorexia

by Jennifer Foley

Note: this is a two part article. You will find the link to statistics about the disease at the end of this article.

It is well known that singer, Karen Carpenter, died at the age of 32 from cardiac arrest associated with an electrolyte imbalance, at her home while searching for something to wear in her closet. The paramedics tried to save her life, and were unsuccessful because of the years of purging she endured. Jane Fonda, fitness expert, suffered from Bulimia for years, before seeking treatment for her Eating Disorder. Obviously, it is known that Eating Disorders are serious, and sometimes fatal illnesses that without proper treatment become deadly and permanently damaging to the body.

Statistics used in the book, The Thin Disguise, written by Pam Vredevelt, Dr. Deborah Newman, Dr. Harry Beverly and Dr. Frank Minirth, found that 1% to 3% of the female population will have anorexia or bulimia at one time in their lives. There is also an extremely high incidence of Eating Disorders amongst athletes and models. At the age of 16, Cathy Rigby, Olympic Medalist, began bingeing and purging to keep her weight down for gymnastic competition. Her Bulimia lasted for the next 12 years.

My illnesses began when I was very young. I was a U.S. Swimmer who had hopes of going to the Olympics. I had the pressure of remaining a certain size in order to swim faster. My body consciousness began at age eight. I grew up in a strict family environment where I felt I was never able to be "myself". I never felt my feelings and ideas could be expressed without ridicule and rejection. At the age of 12, on Thanksgiving Day, my mother fixed my favorite meal. I ate too much and felt sick. Feeling guilty and self -conscious of my size, because I was often ridiculed because of my muscles from swimming, I went upstairs to my bathroom after dinner, and stuck my fingers down my throat until I threw up all that I ate. After that experience, I swore to myself I would never do that again. My throat hurt. My head pounded. My heart was racing and I knew that what I had done was not good for my health.

Since it was the 1980's, and muscles were not encouraged or glorified, I was continually ridiculed by classmates, calling me Butch and other things. Being 5'7" and weighing 138 lbs., I was not overweight, but I was muscular. The ridicule of others, combined with low-self esteem, insecurity, the onset of puberty, and created the desperate need to feel control over something in my life; I chose weight and food, subconsciously at first. I started a diet, originally with my father, and lost ten pounds. Then I was given the attention and approval I so desperately wanted and desired. Everyone was complimenting me. I felt wonderful and powerful. Within a month, I weighed 140 lbs. and felt horrible. I felt like a failure, not only because I failed at keeping the unnecessary weight off, but I also felt the loss of attention from regaining the weight. I was embarrassed to be seen in public.

Within the next month, I went on another diet with a friend, and swore to myself that I would not only lose the weight I had lost before, but I would lose more. I also swore to myself, that I would keep the weight off no matter what. This is when my battle with Anorexia began. Within 9 months, I was abusing over 100 laxatives per day, over 50 diuretics per day, running 10 to 15 miles per day, and weighing in the low 80 lb. range. I was hospitalized for Anorexia Nervosa on November 25, 1987. It was not by choice, but out of medical emergency. My battle was by no means over. Within the first few weeks of hospitalization, my body went into hyperactivity, and my weight dropped to the low 70 lb. range.

My family was informed that I would probably not live through my illness, and were told that they should prepare for my death, unless things dramatically changed. I was scared for the first time in my life. I did not want to die, I just felt that I did not deserve to live. I was so depressed, confused, frightened, and insecur, that if I gained weight, no one would love me anymore, or give me the attention they previously had. Yet, with all control of my body functions lost, and with complete loss of control over what I once perceived as control, in regards to weight and food, I wanted more to live. I knew that if I didn't give up my insecurities, I would not live for more than a few weeks. It was then that my priest came to see me.

I had lost all faith in God and religion, thinking that if there was a God, he would not have let me feel so bad, be so sad, and suffer so much. When Fr. Thompson , a friend of my family, came to see me, my life changed. He told me what I needed to hear. He spoke from God. He told me that no one was perfect. That was the first time anyone had ever told me that it was O.K. to be me. He told me that all people are lovable, and deserve unconditional love. He said that I, too, deserved love, and needed to learn to love myself above anything else. The words he spoke, and the way he spoke to me, touched me like nothing ever before, and nothing has ever touched me so deeply ever since. His solutions for recovery were remarkably similar to those of professionals, with many years of experience in the field. He told me that only two things could, and would heal me unconditional love and talking, and verbalizing my wants and needs of the past, present, and future.

It has been almost ten years since my last hospitalization for the disease, and approximately five and a half years since I achieved full recovery. I now run the only non-profit support groups in my area, which I had attended ten years ago, and discontinued one year later. I devote my life to helping others achieve the full recovery and happiness, that I now have. Yet, without the love, patience, and understanding I received, I would not be alive today, writing my own personal story. Thank you to God, my family, and all my loved ones for believing in me enough, until I could believe in myself.

This article is in two parts. To read the other part of the article, click here.

Click Here, Table of Contents

Copyright © 1996, 1997, 1998 Jennifer Foley All Rights Reserved

[ Table of Contents | How To Submit Poetry & Articles | Home Page | Poetry Magazine | ANGELS | Links | Weekly Email Spiritual Newsletter | Sign Guestbook ]

Member of the Internet Link Exchange

This page was update November 10, 1997

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page