I love music on my site. If you don't merely click it off if it distracts you.

(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.

January is the start of new things and my marriage to Joe was certainly a new thing. Thought maybe that was what my life needed, a person to share with and keep me contented. That whole business with Natasha was quite upsetting. Now maybe I can sleep nights.

My trip to Korea was just one surprise after another. Joe's attitude toward the way I was received by the troops was an eye-opener. He didn't realize what a warm reception I would receive. Think the man was jealous. They say I have a "Barbie Doll" image. Whatever that is all about I'm in favor of helping it along. I remember saying when we got married that I might give up the movies and Hollywood. After connecting with that close-minded red-neck attitude of Joe about my career, I would bite my tongue before saying such a thing again. What a honeymoon that Korean trip turned out to be!

I felt I belonged...For the first time in my life I had the feeling that the people seeing me were accepting me and liking me. This is what I've always wanted, I guess. That's why, without realizing the full meaning of what I was saying, I told Joe that for the first time I felt like I was a movie star. I guess I never felt I had an effect on people until I was in Korea. ...standing in the snowfall facing these yelling soldiers, I felt for the first time in my life no fear of anything, I felt only happy.

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hailstones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair.

She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard
and they might pop back out."

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

I love the songs of Irving Berlin. They stir the soul. I mean it. When I sing them I can almost feel my voice coming alive. "Heat Wave" is one of my all time favorites. Imagine working with Johnny Ray and Ethel Merman. Yes, there's no business like show business. I'm convinced of that. Even the New York Daily Mirror said that I was "sizzling". Those kind words can go to a "sizzler's" head.

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them...and fooling them.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs and I am blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's blonde. The fella next to him is 6'5" and 250 and blonde. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Billy Wilder talked the studio into having me do the main character in The Seven Year Itch. I wonder how much talking that took? They say I'm a major star with charisma and that makes for good box office receipts, or so I'm told. Having Joe along in New York for filming certain scenes was no picnic. He must have one dirty mind for anything just a little on the sexy side puts him into a major panic. In one sidewalk scene my skirt was suppose to blow up and show my legs and panties. You would have thought I was parading the streets of New York naked for the words he had for me back at the hotel. This marriage was probably doomed from the start. He acts as if he owns me or at least my body.

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen.

I heard that Wilder said, "Making a picture with her was like going to the dentist. It was hell at the time, but after it was over, it was wonderful."
Tony Curtis only said that about kissing Hitler because I wore prettier dresses than he did.

I'm not going back into that film until Wilder reshoots my opening. When Marilyn Monroe comes into a room, nobody's going to be looking at Tony Curtis playing Joan Crawford. They're going to be looking at Marilyn Monroe.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.

What did the blonde think of the new computer? She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

The New York Times had no good words for There's No Business Like Show Business, but they changed their tune for my acting in The Seven Year Itch. I only wish they would appreciate my intellect as much as they do my body. I do have a mind and am not the empty-headed dumb blonde that they would love to think I am. I want to be appreciated for my intelligence. Everyone in New York seems to think that the best studio turning out great actors is the Lee Strasberg studio. I must look into that.

The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them...and fooling them.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

A blonde sees her friend coming down the street with a whole case of beer under her arm and asked, "Hey Louise, whatcha get all that beer for?"

"Got it for my husband," answered Louise.

"Oh!" exclaims the blonde, "Good trade."

If you think something sexy the voice just naturally goes along. I've never been a night clubber. When I work I never go out. About acting, you`re trying to find the nail head, not just strike a blow.

Two blondes from Texas were eating their lunch in a fast food restaurant when a young man began to choke on a piece of hamburger caught in his throat. His face was turning blue and he was obviously in a serious life-threatening situation not able to breathe.

One blonde says to the other, "That there young fellow seems to be having a mite of trouble."

"Think we ought to help that gasping critter?" replied her friend.

Thirty is a mean age. It means being half way there. I see lines around my eyes. Lines are not a girl's best friend. Not in this business. William Inge wrote a play about a man finding his "angel" and literally kidnapping her to make her his wife. It has a singing part that attracts me and of course everyone knows any play by that intellectual William Inge would be worthwhile to do. I think that I must seek that part. I think they are going to call it Bus Stop.

"You betcha," cried the first getting up and running over to the gagging young man. "Can you breathe?" she asked.

He shook his head no with eyes almost popping out of his head.

Without another word one of the Texan blondes undid his belt and pulled down his pants and shorts. The other blonde quickly bent over and began licking his buttocks. He was so shocked he coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe normally with tears still in his eyes.

With great relief the two Texan blondes walked back to their table, one saying to the other, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works."

I want to grow old without facelifts...I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I've made. Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know yourself.

Then there was the little blonde girl who hung around the boy's Frisbee team at school. Anytime the Frisbee would get stuck in a tree, she would climb up the tree and retrieve it.

That evening, her mom asked her what she had done in school, "I had lots of fun", she said, "Every time the Frisbee got stuck in a tree, I climbed up to get it."

Her mom was shocked. "Don't do that anymore!" she warned, "The boys throw the Frisbee into the trees so they can see your underwear when you climb."

The next day, the mom again asked how school had gone. The little girl said, "I had fun again. I hung around the team, and climbed the trees when the Frisbees got stuck. But don't worry, I didn't want the boys to see my underwear, so I didn't wear any!"

Josh Logan is angry because I had bronchitis and had to shoot around me. Lee is helping me tremendously through all this. It seems like if something bad could possibly happen it does. Delays are driving poor Josh to desperation. Even Don Murray is angry over something I did that wasn't intentional. I admit he got whacked a good one but it was in the script, for goodness sakes. We all are wondering if this bus will ever stop or go careening off into oblivion.

As they passed a bar they noticed no one was in the bar except the bartender. One of the girls said, let's go in for a drink.

They went in and crawled up onto the barstools. The bartender saw that there was no one in the bar and thought he would have some fun.

He went to the first little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?"

The girl replied, "I'll have a martini."

The bartender could not give them any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an olive in it and put it in front of her.

He said to the second girl, "What will you have today?"

She replied, "A Manhattan."

The bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with ginger ale, put in a cherry in it, and set it in front of her.

The last little girl was a blonde and he asked, "What will you have today?"

After a long pause she replied, "I think I will have a 'douche'. Mother said they're so refreshing."

I know what it means to go without breakfast. Little sacrifices to be a slim woman. I'm very definitely a woman and I enjoy it. It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Arthur Miller has his eyes on me. Could it be my mind he respects or my position in America's mind? Some say he has communist leanings. This bothers him no end. Being married to a Hollywood star such as myself would solve a lot of his problems. Not many appreciate my mind and here is a distinguished writer and intellectual who is attracted by me. Why wouldn't I jump at the chance of pairing with such as he?

Two blonde alien females landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. One of the alien blondes repeated the greeting. There was no response. The blonde was annoyed by what she perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew her ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The other blonde alien shouted to her comrade "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before she finished this warning, the first blonde fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them some little distance into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other blonde alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't fool around with him!"

Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you're a human being, you feel, you suffer.

I've often stood silent at a party for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Going to England to make a picture with Laurence Olivier. Of course I had to start my own production company with Milton Green, my favorite photographer, to show everyone I am not entirely dependent on those Hollywood studios. We bought the story The Prince And The Showgirl. What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

The girl I played in (Niagara) that was an amoral type whose plot to kill her husband was attempted with no apparent cost to her conscience. She had been picked out of a beer parlor, she entirely lacked the social graces and she was overdressed, over made-up, and completely wanton. The uninhibited deportment in the motel room and the walk seemed normal facets of such a character's portrayal. I honestly believe such a girl would behave in that manner.

What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde? He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

Frenchmen are something else. They live for love and die for love, but mostly they talk about it. Things are going badly with Arthur so is it any wonder that my heart is wandering? Gregory Peck turned down working with me in Let's Make Love but that French fellow married to Simone Signoret thinks an American movie is just what he needs for his career. So it is with Yves Montand that I will be working. Ah, such work indeed. The man is a born romantic. Before I could open my mouth there were sparks between us. When Simone was called back to France to make a movie that man would not and could not be stopped, and who wanted to?

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "Are you done already?"
The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one.

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde? A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

What am I afraid of? Do I think I can't act? I know I can act but I am afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid and I should not be and I must not be.

What is the difference between a blonde and a shower? A shower has to be turned on to get wet.

Some people have more scope than other people think they have.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I like, well, jazz, like Louis Armstrong, you know, and Beethoven.
No matter where I´ve gone or why I´ve gone there, it always ends up that I never see anything.
It seems to me, it's time they stopped kicking their assets around. About her epitaph, "Here lies Marilyn Monroe, 38-23-36." I want to be an artist not a freak.

What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What can save a dying blonde? Hair transplants.

Arthur has written a story he thinks would be just right for me. It's called, The Misfits. I don't think I like the sound of it. Could it be that is what he thinks I am? Of course. He hates the pills I'm taking and acts more like I'm a bother than a wife.
Clark Gable never got angry with me once for blowing a line or being late or anything. He was a gentleman -- the best.

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

What did the blonde think of the new computer? She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

One should make haste slowly.
When you're a failure in Hollywood, that's like starving to death outside a banquet hall, with smells of filet mignon driving you crazy.

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What does a blond say during a porno? There I am!

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? She was having sunny periods.

When I married him (Joe DiMaggio), I wasn't sure of why I married him, I have too many fantasies to be a housewife.

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