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The public didn't take to me in Let's Make Love at all. I wonder if it wasn't the fault of all the gossipmongers who kept up their incessant chatter about my affair with that French foppish dilettante.

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses? Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.

With fame, you know, you can read about yourself, somebody else's ideas about you, but what's important is how you feel about yourself -for survival and living day to day with what comes up.

How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? She opens the car door.

How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.

How do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle? Shine a torch in her ears.

No one seems too honest or sincere anymore. They all want chunks out of me. I could never be a kept woman or marry just for money. I like my independence too well.

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? She drops her nail-file!
Who cares? Or how about: She says, "Next"?
The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder?
The batteries have run out?

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Montgomery Clift is an actor that any actress would be proud to work with. We are sister-brother under our skins. His mind is about as disturbed as mine is right now. John Houston thinks I'm about to come apart at the seams. He should hear what Monty tells me. Also part of the problems around the set is that we are all dog-tired. Arthur keeps changing the script on us. Just about the time we think we've nailed it down the old lines are tossed out and new lines to learn. I think Arthur is doing it on purpose to drive us all crazy.

The questions often tell more about the interviewer than the answers do about me. Why haven't I the right to grow and expand like everyone else?

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered.

Why must I always be the aggressor with the men I want? Then as soon as I get them, nothing ever works out. Is this the cross I must bear for fame? To be a love symbol, and not be loved?

Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Did you hear about the conceited blonde? She screams her own name when she comes.

Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

I want to be a big star more than anything. It's something precious.

Did you hear about the blonde who had an appendix operation? Well, now she is making money on the side.

Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water? She won't go down on the doc.

I am invariably late for appointments...sometimes, as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck? The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Clark's back bothered him during the filming of the horseback riding scenes. I could tell for he had little patience with people during the last few days. Little did we know that he was so close to the end. I couldn't have been more down than the day I heard of his fatal heart attack. Could it have been because of my problems during those last days of the desert shoot? That will haunt my dreams if I'm ever able to sleep again.

Did you hear about the blonde doctor? She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? They take off their makeup.

Everybody is always tugging at you. They'd all like a sort of chunk out of you. I don't think they realize it, but it's like "grrrr do this, grrrr do that..." But you do want to stay intact...intact and on two feet.

Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach? She's afraid to get sand in her Busch.

Why do blondes wear tight skirts? To keep their legs together.

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Someone told me that the Frenchman Jean-Paul Sarte thinks I'm one of the best actresses working today. He even wanted me as a female lead in his latest work called Freud.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.

Mr. Miller is a wonderful man and a great writer, but it didn't work out that we should be husband and wife.

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? One.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? She didn't know what ONE came first...

Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. Their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? Divorced.

At least the New York Herald Tribune called my work in Misfits "Magic." That means a lot to me, especially since I know my marriage to Arthur was a huge mistake.

I feel stronger if the people around me on the set love me, care for me, and hold good thoughts for me. It creates an aura of love, and I believe I can give a better performance.

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A know-it-all bitch.

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? One's a phony buck.

What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician? A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? One that never misses a period.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is? An Italian suppository.

I owe Twentieth Century-Fox one more film and it looks to be Something's Got To Give. I can't believe this will be my 30th film. Dean Martin is such a comic. I'm to do a nude swimming pool scene. That should be a noteworthy part of the film.

What is every blonde's ambition in life? To finish her collection of blue M&Ms.

Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? She wanted to go on a round trip.

Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with Crest? She heard that it reduces cavities.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? She thought it was diet coke.

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days? It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

I was surprised to be so crazy about Joe. I expected a flashy New York sports type, and instead I met this reserved guy who didn't make a pass at me right away! He treated me like something special. Joe is a very decent man, and he makes other people feel decent, too!

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out light bulbs.

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

The studio is filing a damage suit against me for willful violation of contract. That should close down the film. They are willing to spend millions on that over-budget Cleopatra mega-shooting with Elizabeth Taylor over in Europe but think to make it all up on my film. They may be surprised if it all backfires on them.

What's the mating call of the brunette? "All the blondes have gone home!"
Has that blonde gone yet?
When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

What's the mating call of the redhead? "Next!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

What is 68 to a blonde? Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.

Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped? Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Speaking of coffins, I feel so isolated lately that I am sure I have no friends left. If I were to die there wouldn't be anybody to carry my coffin but mortuary employees. Now that has to be a pitiful situation. Well at least I could depend upon my hairdresser and make-up man.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid drafts.

Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? They have to pull their own pants down.

I am trying to prove to myself that I am a person. Then maybe I'll convince myself that I'm an actress.

What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.

What do blonde virgins eat? Baby food.

Sometimes I think I'm nothing but a ghost in this plane of existence for a brief visit. Maybe that's what I am, a visitor from another reality or planet in to observe for a time only to have pressing business elsewhere. Ya, that's it. I remember when I was almost 14 visiting a rather scatter-brained old lady across the street from our house. She was always in a rocking chair and reading movie magazines. Think Enright was her name. Use to go over and help her with her reading. I wanted to be one of those girls in the pictures. That was what I wished for in those years.

How is a blonde like peanut-butter? They spread for the bread.

What do you call a blonde on a waterbed? Cherry Float

All we demanded was our right to twinkle.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell if she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125? A foursome.

I never intentionally mean to hurt anyone, but you can't be too nice to the people you work with, else they will trample you to death.

The thing I want more than anything else? I want a baby! I want to have children! The one thing a person wants most in life is usually something basic that money can't buy. You know, children when they become adults are still at heart children.

What do you give the blonde that has everything? Penicillin.

What do you call a blond mother-in-law? An air bag.

How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? Her crayons are still sticky.

Speaking of losing one's virginity, I remember living with the Brunings and all their kids. One of the twelve-year-old boys attempted to rape me. What can twelve-year-old kids do? A lot, let me tell you. Most his age when taking a bath think that thing getting big down there makes a good towel rack or something. Not J. He wants to put it in the little slot his foster sister has down there.

How does a blonde moonwalk? She pulls down her panties and slides her rear along the floor!

Why is a blonde like Australia? They're both down under, and no one cares.

It's nice to be included in people's fantasies, but you also like to be accepted for your own sake.
I think when you're famous every weakness is exaggerated. I'm not what you'd call a TV fan.

Why don't blondes like anal sex? They don't like their brains being screwed with.

Why can't blondes water-ski? When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lie down.

I love champagne-just give me champagne and good food, and I'm in heaven and love.

Why are blondes like pianos? When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?

Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

No one ever calls me by nicknames any more. Back in Emerson Junior High they use to call me all sorts of nicknames. The ones I remember are Mousy or Mouse. The one I didn't like was Jean the string bean. Wasn't long after that they couldn't use the string bean any more. I got a figure and I even remember the year... 1940. Wasn't long after that a boy or two began calling me the "Woo-woo girl". Sounds like it might have been Chuck Moran since he was always the wise-cracker.

How do you get a blonde off of your knees? Come.

How does a blond spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

I feel I'm just beginning at age 36. I want to do all kinds of films -comedy, romance, tragedy. After all, without a challenge what is there to life? I'm interested in all the arts. I'm even interested in people.
You know, I like playing around in the garden. It's sort of fun. All there is work and there's love.

How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style? She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.

How does a blond kill a fish? She drowns it.

Women as they grow older should take heart. They've gained in wisdom. If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have gotten anywhere.

A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How does a blonde hold her liquor? By the ears.

How do you know a blond likes you? She screws you two nights in a row.

Now when was it I developed that little stutter that kicks in when I'm pushed into pressure situation? That must have been back in 9th grade. I was almost failing in Rhetoric. They had something called, "The spoken arts" in which we were to learn public speaking. You would think someone wanting to be an actress from the time they were encouraged by a favorite aunt would want to learn public speaking. It was panic-ville every time I had to stand in front of a group.

How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde? Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being used! I'm not the girl next door- I'm not a goody-goody but I think I'm human.

How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.

One of my first shocks in my marriage to Jim back in '42 was when his sister Elyda said that I was too beautiful. How can any female be too beautiful?"

Why did the blonde put wax in her bellybutton? So her boyfriend could eat by candlelight.

Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash?

Everyone should get out of their house once in a while-not just sit around with their socks on.
I feel different about a child now. It's one of the things I dream of. The worst part I had to play was Let's Make LoveI didn't even have a part.

Blonde Medical Terminology goes like this:
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign -- what you be after you be eight
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favoring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

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