(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
Actually stretched myself in an artistic fashion and did a sketch of myself bending and touching the floor. Think I'll call it,Myself Exercising. People that are close to me often wonder how I can suddenly transform myself from my Norma Jeane persona into Marilyn Monroe the screen star. It is easy. It's all done with the mind. Like driving a car, I merely change gears and shift into drive. When on camera I go into an overdrive.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
New York City is such a cold-hearted city in so many ways. I found some boys trapping pigeons in the park. They were going to make money selling them for their meat. I paid them to let them all fly free and what a great feeling watching them regain their freedom. Now I have a good reason to walk in that park. I'll do the same thing anytime I find little animals being caged.
If a man can have a pair of pants why can't a woman have a pair of bras?
Vital papers show their vitality by moving themselves to where they can't be found.
Went to the Waldorf Astoria and saw Sammy Davis Jr. doing his usual song and dance. My what a lot of energy that man brings to his work. Got a new telephone number and what did the telephone company come up with but ELdorado 5-2325. Talk about romantic? When someone calls they can get me at Eldorado. Now I ask you how many people get to share life in Eldorado?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Everyone has heard about the speed of light. I wanted to know the speed of dark.
My mechanic told me he couldn't fix my brakes, but he did help me by making my horn louder.
In New York I learned to make friends. Before, I never had any friends, only conquests. I didn't have the time to find real friends. I was being looked at, had no chance to look.
Three blondes died and are at the Pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, and tells her she's wrong, then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
I was never told what to read, and nobody ever gave me anything to read. You know---the way there are certain books that everybody reads while growing up? So what I do is---nights when I've got nothing to do I go to the Pickwick Bookstore on Hollywood Boulevard. And I just open books at random---or when I come to a page or paragraph I like, I buy that book. So last night I bought this one. Is that wrong?
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.
Went to the premiere of Baby Doll. What a daring picture to bring out of Hollywood. I turned down the role that Carroll got. Carroll Baker is a child bride and sleeps in a crib, for goodness sakes! Her husband is short on brains and long on lust. At least her pajamas were great. Rip Torn might have lived up to his name though.
"It hurts to be on the cutting edge even more than on the cutting-room floor."
"Some say studio head Sammy G. Was a fart and belch specialist. Arthur Miller would call him gastronomically expressive."
Talk about surprise! Jayne Mansfield it going to play Rita Marlowe in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? Rita Marlowe is a take-off on me... Marilyn Monroe. Well, good luck Jayne. I hope Rita sleeps better than I do. Now I find I must go to Phoenix, Arizona for the shooting of Bus Stop. Just what I need for my complexion, a good Arizona tan with some sand blown in for good measure. Should be exciting working with Josh Logan as director.
But as long as one is alive, one can be vital. I've never been to Italy, but I love Italians. I wanted a husband, and my career. I guess no husband wants to live in the shadow of his wife's fame...No one wants to be known as "Mr. Marilyn Monroe.
Revenge of the Blonds The only problem with women is men. Women prefer the simple things in life...like men. Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor. Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think. I only wanted to have a child, not marry one. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it. What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain? A widower. They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there? What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father. If you catch a man...throw him back. Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up? What is the useless bit of skin of a penis? ...A man
Who said that as a youngster I didn't have a sense of humor. One time when photographers were first taking pictures of me for magazines such as Family Circle there was a fellow named, ah, I forgotten, maybe Burnside, maybe Ted Allen, anyway he gave me a fishnet to hold. When he turned around I took off all my clothes and stood with the net draped over my shoulders. That was one surprised happy fella when he got behind his camera and looked again my way.
Why don't blondes believe in having sex over 55? Because they feel it is best to pull off to the side of the road.
The blonde's husband confided to his wife that he was having an affair. She replied, "Who is catering it?"
I have never been very good at being a member of any group -more than a group of two, that is.
One time I even sat on the top of the Hollywood sign for pictures and got ten dollars and hour for doing it.
What got the blonde bookkeeper in trouble? She absconded with the accounts Payable.
Very few of my friends know I can play the piano.
A homeless blonde was recently seen sitting on a curb, holding a sign. What did the sign say? "I'll work for peroxide."
What is 20/20? The IQ of blonde twins.
How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook? When the blonde serves the pop-tart in one piece.
Odd balls in my early modeling days? Darryl was one who carried a riding crop around in his hands. Thought it made him look like that German director of the 1920's or something. Ben gave me a screen test, and Harry wanted to represent me for $75 a week. He gave me a name like Mary Lynn Miller since he thought Norma Jean lacked something. He liked the idea I had been called the "Woo-woo girl". Allen became my make-up man. In Summer Lightning my first word on screen was to June Haver when I said, "Hi Rad!" In my second film called Dangerous Years I actually had a line. It was: "And now you blow it on two cokes." It was in response to: "I told you I had money."
How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat? No spelling errors on her tattoo's.
Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo? She drowned her horse.
It would be so nice to have a president who looks so young and good-looking.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Mary Lynn Miller didn't last long for my Hollywood stage name. Next it was Journey Evers. It was Joe Schenck who liked Mary Lynn for a name. Joe might have been bald but his sense of humor made up for it.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries.
Harry was the one who found a dancer named Mararita Cansino and got her to change her name to Rita Hayworth. He knew me as Mary Lynn and said, "Mary, you've got to do something about that forehead of yours. You might try electrolysis. Sounded ominous like an electrocution of something. I wasn't sure about Harry's intentions, but then I changed my mind and it was a good thing. He also suggested a little ammonia and hydrogen peroxide. Those two became my best friends.
What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes? The back of her head.
I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me. I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? Because she gave blowjobs literally.
Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? Because that's what they train for all their lives. Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said, "DON'T WALK".
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? So she could lip-read.
Why did God create blondes? Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Why did God create brunettes? Neither could the blondes. Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? To turn the blinker off. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? Because she loved children. Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor? She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Why did they call the blond twinkie? She liked to be filled with cream.
Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a European Television model.
Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts? Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
I don't understand why people aren't a little more generous with each other. I like a quiet evening with someone whose personality and conversation intrigues me. Thinking way back when, no one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't.
Hollywood is the only city in the world that has jewelry stores that rent out engagement rings. Where else would you find couples not married living together and others married and not living together?
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young blonde lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink the blonde turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. The blonde replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well Ma'am," he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Looks like it is all coming together. Left for London to work with Laurence Olivier on The Sleeping Prince and already I'm hearing a little voice in my ear saying, big mistake, oh yes, very big mistake. However Sir Laurence Olivier during the shooting said, "Look at that face. She could be five years old!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys. He shyly addressed the blonde woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the blonde clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the blonde saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, my supervisor says there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. "They want to make it easy for new sales people like myself to remember these things."
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The blonde saleslady replied, "Well, there's the Catholic type, a Salvation Army type, and then the popular Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
In Hollywood a girl's virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You're judged by how you look, not by what you are. Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty.
Still confused the man asked, "So...what's the difference between them?"
The blonde proudly recited, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the popular Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
About the idea of marrying Prince Rainier of Monaco, "Give me two days alone with him, and of course he`ll want to marry me." The trouble with censors is they worry if a woman has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
A guy on a date parks and gets his eager blonde date in the back seat. They make mad passionate love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting with it passionately when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
Little Johnny and his blonde playmate Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, "Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!"
The young blonde looks at him in astonishment. She knows very well that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. As blondes sometimes do, she bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. "My mum says girls are better than boys,", she says with much pride.
"No they're not," states Johnny pulling down his shorts once again. "You haven't got one of these!"
Blonde Janie looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties, and says, "My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
I seldom write letters. The telephone is one of my favorite things and best friend. I love calling friends, especially late at night, when I can't sleep. I figure marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
What does one look like when their boyfriend presents them with the crown jewels? Dreams are the fluff of life. That is when the script can be written on How To Marry A Millionnaire. My coach Natasha is becoming a real bother in my life. Must do something about that.
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A guy asked me, "So, what do you do for a living?" Being an actress I of course replied, "I'm a female impersonator."
Fellow told me, "I would go to the end of the world for you." I answered, "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Click here if you would like to see a collection of recent books on Marilyn Monroe including a lot of interesting bookcovers. They are a good representation of what is being researched and found about the real life story of a great screen legend. There will be ways back to the diary but it wouldn't hurt to bookmark about now. We are associated with Amazon.com and they have great prices on these works.
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