(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.
Marilyn Monroe's Diary?
An Adventure In Strange Humor and Situations.
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
The new picture of Liz Taylor came out this week. It's called The Last Time I Saw Paris. They are charging as much as $2.75 for tickets. They really expect to make money on this one!
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face! And it's a really good thing that cows don't fly."
A blonde a brunette and a red head all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the red head had painted 3 miles the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the red head painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles he told her not to worry you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day the red head had painted 6 miles the brunette 5 miles and the blond only one mile. The boss was so disappointed he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good".
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
It was the first time I had a big part in pictures. There was my name up in lights. I said, "God, somebody's made a mistake." But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, "Remember, you're not a star". Yet there it was up in lights. My name in lights was the difference. In my mind it had to be true. I was a star regardless of what I felt.
The husband of a blonde was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. His blonde wife got out to see what was wrong and quickly saw what the sad situation was all about.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde wife told her husband not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to their car trunk, opened it with her key and pulled out a spray can from a satchel of cosmetics she always carried. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved still once again!
The man was astonished. He said to his wife, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A sex symbol becomes a thing; I just hate being a thing. But if I'm going to be a symbol of something I'd rather have it sex than some other things we've got symbols of.
Talk about both, try maintaining a black Cadillac convertible where they make you move it from one side of the street to the other according to what time of the day it is? Jack Benny didn't know what he was doing to me back when he gave me that Caddy. I need a caddy to take care of my Caddy!
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
Even though I was born there (LA), I still can't think of one good thing to say about it. If I close my eyes, and picture LA, all I see is one big varicose vein.
Why is a blonde like a turtle? They both get screwed-up when they're on their backs.
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.
Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
My life is like a circus, I mean literally. Mike Todd wants me to ride a pink elephant in Madison Square Garden. It must be March again. The Ides of March are usually something else for me! Milton Berle is going to do the announcing and of course I said yes I would do it since it is a benefit performance.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
I've been asked to make like an usher at James Dean's new movie East Of Eden. He was great to work with in Asphalt Jungle. I think it will be a truly great movie and don't mind helping out in the least.
One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle
and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
A photographer once told me that my two best points are between my waist and my neck.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said
when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a cornfield in a boat rowing.
The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
A photographer once told me that my two best points are between my waist and my neck.
"How come she got expelled from school?"
"She was caught cheating."
"How?"
"She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"
It's funny, how success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.
Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times.
The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees. When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"
Fellas are always whistling at sweater girls. Well,take away their sweaters and what have you got?
The Gladstone Hotel is now my home. After divorcing Joe and coming to New York it is best I make my home here for awhile. My favorite photographer Sam says I should do the Elizabeth Arden thing and I may just do that. Someone says my hair is the color of straw and I must do something about that also.
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