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The light man at the studio said this to me this morning: "The word today is legs. Spread the word." Thought it was cute...

Why would a blonde collect blonde jokes? It all started when I was a model and long before I became known for my movies. About the time I changed my hair color. It was Sylvia who did the job on my brown hair and she gave me the idea. She said blondes were the subject of many dumb jokes. Well, since I wasn't a natural blonde, it didn't really mean I was dumb so I saw no harm in writing them down when I heard them. For instance some of my masseur's favorite dumb blonde jokes:

The two lovers were both cheating on their spouses for the first time. She was more excited about the coming weekend than he, for he promised that his bachelor friend would be out of town and had given him the key to his apartment.

The blonde called his office on Monday and reminded him that five days were a long time to wait. On Tuesday she said she wanted him desperately. On Wednesday she asked if anybody in the office could hear, she wanted to pant on the phone. That's how hot she was. By then he had had enough and said, "Be patient. It won't be long until Saturday night."

He was speechless when she giggled and purred, "And how long will it be then, my darling?"

Or this one:

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown.

A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandable, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.

Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Everybody will probably wonder why I left New York City and preferred to settle back in California. Should have bought a house near the studios years ago. Someone tried to set me up with reporters. I am not close to being a lesbian. A woman kissed me in public at a restaurant and it was lips on lips done to cause an incident. I've heard of friendly actresses before, but that was too much.

I did collect a lot of blonde jokes in the Big Apple, that's what they call New York City, although I don't know why.

Imagine that! Frank Sinatra gave me a little white fluff of a puppy. Think I'll call him Maf. "Here Maf. Here Maf!" Yes, I can have him come to me easily with that. Better than Mafia. About the time I yell out the door, "Here Mafia, here Mafia!" the neighbors will think I'm going around the bend.

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

This next joke was told to me in the Polyclinic Hospital where I had my gall bladder removed. The doctor telling it was so amazed that I was a patient there that he said, "How would you like to hear a Marilyn Monroe joke?" and of course I couldn't resist saying, "You bet!"

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Marilyn Monroe.

Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed.

Marilyn comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?"

He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down to the pub with them."

She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down at the pub."

It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try.

So Marilyn gets into some mens' clothing, and they sit down next to each other. The fellow jabs his elbow in her side and says, "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been banging three times a day..."

I loved it when I heard what Jack had to say after I sang to him at Madison Square Gardens. "I can now retire from politics after having Happy Birthday sung to me by Miss Monroe." The evening didn't end with me in his bed either. I was in my room at the Carlyle Hotel and was even visited early the next morning by one of my favorite fans.

What is the blonde's favorite potato chip? Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

What is the blonde's favorite battery? Ever-ready.

What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette ....? A blond doing cartwheels.

What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A vacant possession.

Why did the blonde fail her driver's license? She wasn't used to the front seat!

Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her.

Been thinking of my mother a lot lately. I was a mistake. My mother didn't want to have me. I guess she never wanted me. I probably got in her way. I know I must have disgraced her. A divorced woman has enough problems in getting a man, I guess, but one with an illegitimate baby... I wish, I still wish she had wanted me.

Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times!
What do a moped and a blond have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge? Lipstick on the cucumbers!

They say being in love is a chemical reaction of the body. Couldn't sleep last night... again. So I took some amphetamines and read about them. Amphetamines and endorphins create the feeling of love. Would you believe that? This is what creates the drive to mate in humans. Wondered why we did that thing. It's the pituitary gland that really gives one the feeling of being in love.

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? Who cares?

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? About 2 cans of hair spray

What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants? Pick them up off the floor.
What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.? Nail polish!
Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden.

March is usually thought of as a windy month coming in like a lion and so forth... Well the winds blew me down to Florida for a reunion with Joe. He knows I love little Joe Jr. so much and it is thoughtful of Joe to always have pictures of the boy to show me. The reporters keep asking if we are going to get back together. They caught us with their cameras coming out of a hotel there and wouldn't leave the topic of remarriage alone.

How many blondes does it take to play tag? One.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

During my last school years the world became friendly...it opened up to me. Boys would come visiting like a swarm over the honey. Yet...the truth was that with all my lipstick and mascara and precocious curves I was as unresponsive as a fossil... Must have been all that church business that my a couple of my foster parents put me through. They were terribly strict...they didn't mean any harm...it was their religion. They brought me up harshly.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot.

What's a blonde's favorite rock group? Air Supply.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blond electrician

January is the month of new beginnings. Talk about being "Misfits". Finally single again and the freedom feels wonderful, more than I describe.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? So brunettes can remember them. Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde? She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

What did the blonde do when she got her period? Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Why are blondes like cornflakes? Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Thinking again of my younger days. The world around me then was kind of grim. I had to learn to pretend in order to...I don't know...block the grimness. The whole world seemed sort of closed to me...I felt on the outside of everything, and all I could do was to dream up any kind of pretend-game.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an F in sex.

Well, I did it again. Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center had an open door for me. Sleeping pills and a few other things got to me again. Had to have a break from it all. What a nightmare. People still think it was my antics that killed Clark. I use to picture him as my father, for goodness sakes! Kindest man I knew. He held me together through it all. When the script kept getting rewritten making me look more and more like some kind of idiot going insane, it was Clark who kept me afloat.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed.

Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg. Nothing, they've never met.

What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment? She can't say "No".
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone.

I dreamed of myself walking proudly in beautiful clothes and being admired by everyone and overhearing words of praise. I made up the praises and repeated them aloud as is someone else were saying them.

What's the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket pushcart? A supermarket pushcart has a mind of its own.

What was the blond psychic's greatest achievement? An IN-body experience!

What was the blonde surgeon's claim to fame? The world's first hemorrhoid transplant.

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? After a dye job.

It's my thirty-third birthday and I'm in New York. Had an interesting birthday. They gave me a party and I came with the cake. At least I heard some good blonde jokes.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
"'Debbie'...That's cute. What did you name the other one?"

What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

I vividly remember the day I finally made up my mind. I wanted to be an actress and I was not going to let my lack of confidence ruin my chances. I thought to myself I'm going to be a great movie star some day. When they first named me Lynn Miller it just didn't fit me. Then I got a new name, Marilyn Monroe. I had to get born, and this time better than before.

Why is a blonde like a door knob? 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? She kept having affairs with men!

What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? She picks up her purse and goes.

If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? Not the blonde... she'd get lost on the way down.
Why don't blondes eat Jello? They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they can't get their head in the jar.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Make introductions or sometimes just walks home.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? Bucket seats.

What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Nice things seem to happen in March. Some Like It Hot has gone to the theaters and people are enthusiastic about it calling it a success. Guess what? My songs Running Wild, I Wanna Be Loved By You, and I'm Thru with Love have been recorded and are available to the public. They like my singing! It was certainly a different way of singing than I had done with the one song I had in The Prince and the Showgirl. When I sung I Found a Dream I used a very different style.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? She might say, "What's a light bulb?" or She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

When I start a new picture, it's like learning to act all over again. Maybe it's because I know that my screen image doesn't at all represent me, my real me, the way I feel, the way I act and talk. It´s something very much apart from my personality, this being a dumb sexy blonde. I´m neither dumb, nor any prettier than any other woman. But they don't think I can act, so I'm stuck playing the sextress. That's my own word, I coined it myself. I'm not an actress. I'm a sextress! And, it's really awful.

What's a blonde's favorite wine? "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

What is the difference between a blond and a 747? Not everyone has been in a 747.

How are women and rocks alike? Men usually like to skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and also it spreads rather easily.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

Did you hear about the blonde male who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.

Arthur and I bought the Roxbury property and I think I will do something great for my favorite author. He needs a place to write that is private. Think I'll have a special secluded place, a studio, to be used as a study close by the main house.

A blonde and brunette got in an elevator and a handsome fellow joined them. He was well built and very well dressed complete with Armani suit. The both checked him out from well rounded butt to powerful square shoulders. They both noticed he had dandruff as he got off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors closed the brunette says to the blonde, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde looked puzzled replying, "How do you give shoulders?"

When a man believes he's God's gift to women the best thing to do is exchange him.

The best blonde secret. If hairspray keeps their hair firm and in place think what it does for certain male members.

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