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(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.

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Any girl who resents whistles should live on a desert island. What brings joy to my heart is that I may be 36, and I'm talking about more than my hip size, and youngsters 16 and 17 still whistle at me. What does that tell you?

I like different scents of perfume, beside Chanel No.5. What about flowers? My favorite is the delphinium. Roses, any color, are (among my) favorites, too. I love food as long as it has flavor.

A husband and his drop-dead gorgeous blonde wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The lusty looking blonde hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.

The curious blonde asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.

The wide-eyed blonde asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Well, there must be some good reason why I'm here. And if you are interested, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and his beautiful blonde wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. It has been awhile and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and both of you millionaires." The husband and his attractive blonde wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.

After the genie exhausted himself with the rapturous blonde, the genie asked her if she minded a few questions. "No, I don't mind," she replied rolling her eyes.

"How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

I want to play a variety of roles. I don't think it's good to be typed. I know, it's liable never to happen because the fact of the matter is... I am typed and can't fight it.

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears."

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a blonde sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me."

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off the blonde's other arm too."

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears."

So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off."

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next."

The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve patrons who take drugs."

The bear says, "I ate a dumb blonde; I haven't taken any drugs."

But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a bar-bitch-u-ate."

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices an old looking and ill-used blonde sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy that old douchebag down there a drink."

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies, "Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I don't appreciate you calling my female customers douchbags."

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered, "You're right, that was uncalled for... Please allow me to buy the dumpy looking blonde a cocktail."

"That's better," said the bartender and he approached the down-at-the-mouth blonde. "Ma'am, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink... What would you like?"

"How nice!" replied the blonde. "I'll have a vinegar and water."

People keep asking what picture I think I best acted besides Bus Stop and The Misfits. Personally I think the best performance I ever gave was in The Asphalt Jungle.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured blonde happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the blonde, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, service me, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the blonde dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent. There is always two sides to a story. Playing those sexy screen roles, they think you want to keep at it off screen, too. Well, I'm not made that way. Sex isn't that important to me.

It's the spring of 1957 and George goes to pick up his date. She's the most attractive looking blonde that he can barely resist. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car, a Chrysler convertible at that. When he goes to the front door, the blonde's father answers and invites him in. Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says George.

The blonde's father asks George what they're planning to do. George replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Sue's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to George, so he asks Sue's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Sue's father, "Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her! At least that's what she tells us."

Well, this just made George's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, George escorts his blonde date out the front door. He knows luck when it drops in his lap.

About 20 minutes later, Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Damn it Daddy! It's called the twist!"

A vacant-eyed blonde woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

I like animals. If you talk to a dog, or a cat, it doesn`t tell you to shut up. I've never been bitten by a dog but I have from people.

"The bus driver insulted me." The blonde fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," the blonde replied. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A sense of humor is a wonderful help as far as I'm concerned in sizing up a man's personality. Joe, for instance always thought being sexy was on the sinful side. Take that calendar posing business. My sin has been no more than I have written, posing for the nude because I desperately needed fifty dollars to get my car out of hock. I never even received a thank-you from all those who made millions off a nude Marilyn photograph. Maybe, because of those days I'll never get the right part, anything I really want. My looks are against me. They're too specific.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde is such an air head she floats.

What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone? Ice cream cones don't lick back.

An important movie to me was Rain where Sadie Thompson was a girl in the story who knew how to be gay even when she was sad. And that's important...you know?

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

I have a little temper, and I really lose it when people write untruths about me.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? "Nice tits!"

What does a blonde make best for dinner? Reservations.

What does a blonde say when she gives birth? Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

What do blondes and cow-pies have in common? They both get easier to pick-up with age.

I learned one thing working with some of my leading men who most think are tough guys. Those big tough guys are so sick. They aren't even all that tough! They're afraid of kindness and gentleness and beauty. They always want to kill something to prove themselves.

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? They both have a black box and both have a cockpit.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.

I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actress.

What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? Last years hide and go seek winner.

I might never see a certain article and it might be okayed by somebody in the studio. This is wrong because when I was a little girl I read signed stories in fan magazines and I believed every word the stars said in them. Then I'd try to model my life after the lives of the stars I read about. If I'm going to have that kind of influence, I want to be sure it's because of something I've actually said or written.

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? Air bubbles.

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party!

What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner? 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!

What do you call a blonde lesbian? A waste.

What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? An air mattress.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air Bag.

I consider Jane to be one of the sweetest persons I've ever met, and I'm happy to call her my friend. We are all born sexual creatures, thank God. We discussed our world being dominated by males. I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it. I feel that beauty and femininity are ageless.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.

I don't like unfair criticism at any time... I feel that some of the criticism has been unfair.

What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? Divorcee'

It's a woman's spirit and mood a man has to stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your head or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? All you can eat, under a buck.

Sometimes I feel that I don't want to play sex roles any more. I'm tired of being known as the girl with the shape. I'm a failure as a woman. My men expect so much of me because of the image they have made of me and that I have made of myself, as a sex symbol. Men expect so much and I can't live up to it. They expect bells to ring and whistles to whistle, but my anatomy is the same as any other woman's.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter.

What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? Bobbing for Bimbos.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader.

I was brought up differently from the average American child, because the average child is brought expecting to be happy. And about the way I walk? I don`t know where they get these things. I walk the way I've always walked. Even when I got my first modeling job the Blue Book Modeling Agency said I wiggled too much to walk down a walkway.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch Manager.

What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever or an indicator of a really bad hangover.

Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?

What do you call two nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla? Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question I've got to follow it through. What am I supposed to do --look intelligent? I'm an actress, for goodness sakes. If I look like a dumb blonde I'm playing the part and am rather good at it if I do say so.

Two cowboys were leanin' up against the rail at their favorite bar...They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin' a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by... This really beautiful brunette walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead, comes walking by in front of them... First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, "Yep...she sure is a 4."

Time passes on by, and the cowboys are still sipping their beers, just watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful blonde... As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the woman hears them...and she is NOT amused. She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But, are you two actually standing there rating women?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed...looking down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand..."

She is REAL mad now...and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating system......."

The blonde says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before..."

And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks..."What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, real slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my...

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

And she says, "Well. What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating system..."

The blonde says, "Oh. And what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before..."

And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks..."What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, real slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

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