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(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.

I dreamed of myself walking proudly in beautiful clothes and being admired by everyone and overhearing words of praise. I always sleep with my mouth open. I know because it's open when I wake up.

Looking at the smashed fender and scraped car door, the out of patience minister lost his cool and shouted at his pretty but weeping blonde wife, "How can you be so beautiful, yet so dumb?"

"God made me beautiful, dear, so that you would want to marry me," she sobbed sweetly. Then she added, "And God made me dumb, so that I would want to marry you."

The press conference about our wedding announcement took place under rather unpleasant circumstances. Paris Match magazine had sent over reporters and photographers. Their car hit a tree on one of our Connecticut back roads. A female reporter hit the windshield with such force that she only lived a few hours after the crash. In the meantime they put me on camera for the reporter's questions and I'm afraid I couldn't field their questions in a very satisfactory manner. What a way to begin my third marriage!

Way down in the Deep South, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

The young blonde and beautiful Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends... ...that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Those people that have been writing all those lies about me. All I know, it's their problem. Those people, I don't even know them, or if we have met, it's been brief. Can I take it? Most of course! I'm used to it, and remember the old saying-- "consider the source".

While walking home tonight from acting lesson with Lee I made the big mistake of wearing my black wool coat. It rained, wouldn't you know! It was a heavy rain and I'm afraid I completely ruined that coat for good. Maybe the doorman at the Waldorf Towers won't even let me in. I must have looked like a drowned rat when I reached the front doors. By the time that woolly thing starts shrinking, it will fit a midget. Maybe I should give it to Sheree North or Mamie Van Doren. They like tight fitting things that parts of them just happen to pop out of quite conveniently.

I like the one about the blonde housewife who found her husband was gay. She turned around and took it like a man.

Some people have been unkind. If I say I want to grow as an actress, they look at my figure. If I say I want to develop, to learn my craft, they laugh. Somehow they don't expect me to be serious about my work.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? To keep from bruising their ears when they coyly bob their heads back and forth.

Why do blondes have vaginas? So guys will talk to them at parties.

Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunderstorm?
She loves having her picture taken (flashes, you know).

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? Full.<

I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful. There must be some reason I would work for $500 a week while Jane doing the same Gentlemen Prefer Blondes picture got $200,000. Some would say that was the biggest dumb blonde joke there ever was.

What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? "Thanks, guys..."

Attended the Anta Theatre and saw a performance of The Skin of Our Teeth. Love going out to the theater in New York. It is always something special.

It happened at the bakery. The owner hired a young perky blonde with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the blonde, and spots what looked like raisin bread on the top most rack behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking up at the beautiful sight.

Fame to me certainly is only a temporary and a partial happiness...even for a waif and I as brought up a waif. But fame is not really for a daily diet, that's not what fulfills you. It warms you a bit but the warming is only temporary. It's like caviar; you know... it's good to have caviar but not when you have it every meal and every day.

Fame will go by and, so long, I've had you, fame. If it goes by, I've always known it was fickle. So at least it's something I've experienced, but that's not where I live. It stirs up envy, fame does. People feel fame gives them some kind of privilege to walk up to you and say anything to you, and it won't hurt your feelings, like it's happening to your clothing.

I'm not a good swimmer even when I'm good. I do walk, exercise, and study body control. Body control, yah, I know, that's a laugh.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the blonde yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man, "but it's startin` to twitch."

Twentieth Century-Fox won't let me accept a part in Guys and Dolls. A chance to play with Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra and I can't do it. No wonder I can't sleep nights.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old blonde has a baby. All her relatives come to meet the newest member of their family. Would the baby be blonde and as bright as the mother?

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old blonde mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the blonde says, "When the baby cries."

They couldn't resist asking, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The elderly blonde says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

They say I planned on the strap breaking on my gown at the press conference announcing plans to start the production of The Prince and the Showgirl. I was so exhilarated since it would be done by our newly formed Marilyn Monroe Productions company.

A blonde goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy. Besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your nose!"

Go figure. Kim Novak sent me a letter asking if she could become involved in our new Marilyn Monroe Productions company. Now that is a compliment if I am not mistaken.

A blonde is sitting in a bar talking with the bartender when in walks an Indian with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He also sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner. Then he pulls out his gun and shoots the bag. This causes what looks like shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards.

The blonde couldn't believe her eyes and the dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?"

The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey, eat pussy and shoot the shit."

I'm tired of sex-roles. I want to broaden my scope. I want to do dramatic parts. It's no temptation to me to do the same thing over and over. And movement is... well, movement is good.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common? You don't know how much either of them means to you until they go down on you.

Next to my husband Arthur and along with Marlon Brando, I think Yves Montand is the most attractive man I´ve ever met.

Who would believe what they've put in the theaters? They've got The Apple-Knockers and the Coke playing as a stag movie with my look-alike doing nude scenes! Arline Hunter is supposed to resemble me and they have her doing that famous calendar shot that Playboy used to kick off Hefner's new magazine. She actually does a recreation of my posing! She's using my hairstyles and everything. I'm taking it to court.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.

I really liked this review of the best of all those who wrote about Bus Stop. Notice it was written in England not here. "Bus Stop" opened in London in October 1956. The London Times review said..."Miss Monroe is a talented comedienne, and her sense of timing never forsake her. She gives a complete portrait, sensitively and sometimes even brilliantly conceived. There is about her a waif-life quality, an underlying note of pathos which can be strangely moving."
That's got to be the best. Nice that they noted my "waif-like" approach to the part, huh?

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? "Have another beer."

It was always very important to me not to let my public down. One of the things I like best about men is they're a little vulnerable. Woman knows when a man is in love with her before the man has even a clue about it. Most females don't realize husbands are usually good lovers when they are cheating on their wives. Best in the world fits between the arms.

Wouldn't it be nice to be like men and get notches in your belt and sleep with most attractive men and not get emotionally involved?

What do Blondes say after sex? Thanks Guys. Are you boys all in the same band?

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it the looser it gets.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

I don't consider myself an intellectual. And this is not one of my aims. But I admire intellectual people. A career is developed in publicly, talent is developed in privacy.

Dear Joe, if I can only succeed in making you happy...I will have succeeded in the biggest and most difficult thing there is...that is to make one person completely happy. (found this in a letter I never sent)

How I wished I had a dad. Miller wouldn't have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde. He saw me as a way of avoiding some bad feelings about him by the Un-American Activities Committee that felt he was a liberal with leftist leanings. I had an all-American flavor that was safe and most appealing and I was on my way to England at the time. He most earnestly wanted to get out of the country.

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.

My illusions don't have anything to do with being a fine actress. I knew how third rate I was in the beginning. I could actually feel my lack of talent, as if it were cheap clothes I was wearing inside. But, my God, how I wanted to learn, to change, to improve!

What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
They both have black roots.

Went to the National Theater and watched a performance of Inherit The Wind. They did a great job. Wore my orange scarf and it framed the V-neck of my white dress.

What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.

Had Pete do a special job on my hair for my trip to Illinois. This Abraham Lincoln centennial is going to be a pleasure for me but the village of Bement I never heard of before. Whoever thought to invite me had heard about my great admiration for the man. Who else has a picture of him over their bed?

What are four differences between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
There is no difference. They're both round and have three places to poke, and of course you never eat your bowling ball

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? Lipstick.

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Click here if you would like to see a collection of recent books on Marilyn Monroe including a lot of interesting bookcovers. They are a good representation of what is being researched and found about the real life story of a great screen legend. There will be ways back to the diary but it wouldn't hurt to bookmark about now. We are associated with Amazon.com and they have great prices on these works.

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