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(c)copyright 2005 Beimers All rights reserved by Quester.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." And as for questions, who needs rhetorical questions?

A blonde walks into a bar with a dog under her arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that she has $100 she's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the blonde female looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers, "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dog's blonde owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

The blonde says, "Guess so, but he didn't have to get so rude about it."

Finally they are screening There's No Business Like Show Business. I decided I would go to the premier showing on the west coast but I'm not so sure about getting to New York for it.

A three-year-old young blonde decided she could put her shoes on by herself. Her mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot and the right on the left.

She said, "Daughter dear, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

The young blonde looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mommy. I KNOW they're MY feet!"

Tonight I was surrounded by some of Hollywood's greatest actors and actresses. There's No Business Like Show Business was a success. Judy Garland even showed up! Donald O'Connor wouldn't miss it, of course. Milton Green hung in there with me.

Seems an elderly blonde lady had serious hearing problems for a number of years. She went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the matronly blonde to hear a hundred percent.

The elderly blonde lady went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the old blonde gentlewoman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

The intelligent-looking blonde woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" the blonde replied, blushing. "I've been divorced three times."

Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
The word today is legs. Spread the word.

Blondes Strike back
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it.

Tasha was my first drama coach. She was from the Stanislovsky Method school of acting and believed in every Russian thought about it. One had to become one with the character they were playing. If the character was psychotic one had to become psychotic on stage and every pore of their body had to exude that idea. Tasha pushed me hard, sometime too hard and with her lesbian tendencies I'm speaking physically as well as mentally. I was always more at peace around men than women anyway for I knew what men were after but not so about women. Women sometimes confused me greatly.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.

Would anyone believe that my husband likes me plump? Arthur saw the demon in me... a lot of people like to think of me as innocent, so that's the way I behave to them ... if they saw the demon in me they would hate me...
Should I do my next picture or stay home and try to have a baby again? That's what I really want most of all, the baby, I guess, but maybe God is trying to tell me something, I mean with my pregnancy. I'd probably make a kooky mother; I'd love my child to death. I want it, yet I'm scared. Arthur (Miller) says he wants it, but he's losing his enthusiasm. He thinks I should do the picture. After all, I'm a movie star, right?

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation

People have been getting on my case lately. Ganging up is more a description. An actor is supposed to be a sensitive instrument. Isaac Stern takes good care of his violin. What if everybody jumped on his violin?

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage

Inventions by Blondes:
The waterproof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dartboards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants
An all white flag
Rolls Royce pickup truck

Auntie Ana went and died on me. She actually like my new name of Mary Lynn and called me that a couple of time when she could remember. Her love of me was unconditional and she had great faith in the fact that I could become a movie star. She was the auntie that helped me dream my dream. She also called me a "mental beachcomber" whatever she meant by that. Auntie Ana will be missed by Norma Jean and whoever I become.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

The blonde thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

I've given pure sex appeal very little thought. If I had to think about it, I'm sure it would frighten me.

This blonde has never understood why:
We chop down trees but chop up wood;
We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
We run down foes, we run up bills;
We eat food up, we down a drink,
Which is a little strange, I think.
We turn down offers, turn up noses--
Just one last thought and then this closes:
We should remember, we poor clowns,
That life is full of ups and downs.

I'm nobody's slave and never have been.

Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes:
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
Do you want to see something swell?
What do you like for breakfast?
Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

The studios have only one thought on their collective minds. Money, that's what it's all about.

Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You smell wet. Let's party!
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew!
You have the ass of a great artist.

The real lover is the man who can thrill you just by touching your head or smiling into your eyes or by just staring into space.

Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde:
I just threw up!
You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?
Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good.
Hello Julie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
Your face or mine?
Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
I want to floss with your pubic hair.
I'd look good on you.
Excuse me. Have I serviced you yet?

A woman can't be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can't do it by herself.

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"

I really thought Yves was in love with me, but as soon as Simone whistled from across the Atlantic he went running home faster than you could say "cheating husband". With Yves it was all lust and little luster.

A blonde housewife and mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The blonde mother said to the little boy, "It's not nice to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to whisper."

The following Sunday, the blonde housewife was ill and the little boy went to church with his father. During the service the little boy said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

A struggle with shyness is in every actor more than anyone can imagine... I´m one of the world`s most self-conscious people.I really have to struggle... An actor is not a machine, no matter how much they want to say you are.

A blonde guy says: "When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

"Soon I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.

"Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!
How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde."

Men who think that a woman's past love affairs lessen her love for them are usually stupid and weak. A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many.

A little blond boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat. "I'm the greatest baseball player in the world," he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, "I'm the greatest baseball player ever!" He swung at the ball again, and again he missed. He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully.

For the third time the blond boy threw the ball into the air and said, "I'm the greatest baseball player who ever lived." He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "What a pitcher!"

They've got me flying into New York City to do location scenes for The Seven Year Itch movie. Will be going into Idlewild Airport. I'm told there will be television cameras waiting for our arrival and when they push that portable stairway to the plane entrance I should be ready to be the first one off and do a suitable New York greeting for the audience. We'll be staying at the St. Regis Hotel.

Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? *Who cares?

Why do blondes have periods? They deserve them.

The only people I care about are the people in Times Square, across the street from the theatre, who can't get close as I come in. If I had light make-up on, they'd never see me. This make-up is for them...

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What do a blonde and a good beer have in common? They both go down easy.

I surprised myself in front of a group of reporters. One asked what films I've done lately and I named them off in machine-gun fashion. "You mean besides the Clash By Night I just finished? Well, how about Let's make it Legal, Asphalt Jungle, We're Not Married, Love Nest, As Young as You Feel, Don't Bother To Knock, Monkey Business, O. Henry's Full House, Niagara, and how about Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? Guess that answered that question. I didn't even mention the work I did with Jack Benny and his TV show.

What does a gorgeous blonde and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts!

Why do blondes drive VW's? Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

I like to feel blonde all over. I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity. There's only one sort of natural blonde on earth -albinos.

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? To cover up the valve stem.

Why do blonds have square boobs? Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

I posed with Alan Ladd for a photo today. It is true he is conscious of his height. When he stood tall in his perfectly tied bow-tie we were almost eye-to-eye so I slouched a little and gave him the advantage of being an inch or two taller than me. He couldn't get over that my mother was a Hollywood film cutter and that my real name was Norma Jeane Mortensen. I never mentioned to him that I was really a bastard child who should have been named Norma Jeane Gifford! Old Charles Stanley would never acknowledge me as his daughter let alone marry my mother!

Alan is such a gentleman. On an impulse I almost told him that one my grandfathers, Otis Elmer Monroe, helped build the Mexican National Railroad and knew Poncho Villa. Poor Della Mae, my grandmother was so embarrassed visiting my grandfather in the hospital since he was dying of a disease he contacted as a playboy in Mexico. I could have shocked Alan with the story of how my grandmother Della put a pillow over my face when I was a year and a half old baby. She didn't kill me but it was not through lack of trying. Like her brother and father she was committed to a mental hospital. Seemed to be a common gene in the family. Mother Gladys was in and out of mental hospitals and it was always my nightmare that the same would occur with me.

I keep hearing more and more dumb blonde jokes. I can't believe how many there are out in the public circulating as though blondes have no feelings. What does that say about our society?

But why do brunettes take the pill? Wishful Thinking.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first.

I never quite understood it, this sex symbol; I always thought symbols were those things you clash together.

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? Tits go in front.

Why do blondes like tilt steering? More head room.

To put it bluntly, I seem to have a whole superstructure with no foundation. But I'm working on the foundation.

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Jean, you know the blonde you were attracted to? We met at a party about 3 months ago."

"Hmm... Jean? A blonde about 3 months ago?"

"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

"Oh, yeah! Jean, the hot attractive blonde! How are you?"

"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

"Say, you ARE a good sport."

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