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How does it feel to end up on the cutting room floor? My mother may have cut film for a living but when it happens it becomes very personal. Scudda Hoo! Scudda Hay! Was filming and they gave me a small part that took place in a canoe. First off canoes are that risky, they do roll over with little help from the paddler. Young Colleen Townsend was in the rear and I sat forward with just enough balance to keep us upright. We were to paddle past Robert Carnes and flirt with him than paddle slowly away across the lake. June Haver and Natalie Wood needed more time to do their thing with Walter Brennan so we got hacked, whacked, and hit the floor with a smack. At least I got to do a bit part in Dangerous Years and Ladies of the Chorus before Columbia listened to Harry C. and didn't pick up my option. Old Harry had a fit when he couldn't bed me. Well Natasha told me to stay off his couch and start wearing panties. Doing one out of two was about my speed then.

A blonde decides to try riding horseback, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when -fortunately the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.

Happiness is having a singing part in a Western musical such as A Ticket to Tomahawk. There are four female singers and I'm the only blonde! What luck.

Several weeks the company tried to hire a new secretary but there was a shortage. They finally hired a blonde who wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the blond took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

In Hollywood a girl's virtue is much less important than her hairdo. You're judged by how you look, not by what you are.

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again... Yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup..."

I told the interviewer, "Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one. I want to be an artist, an actress with integrity."

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The toughest person to play to while on camera has to be Groucho Marx. They always say never try to steal a scene away from babies or animals, but Groucho has to rate even above them. Love Happy is one of those films that a person can look back upon as a 'slap-happy' experience. Imagine having my body and saying the line, "I have a problem of men continuously following me." You would think all other women kept their bodies in vaults.

I'm one of those good things that happen to bad people.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Someone asked me the other day if I ever sang in a choir. At the time I couldn't remember. Guess I repressed a lot of my childhood. Actually, when I was six I remember singing with a lot of other kids, must have been almost fifty of us. They took us to the Hollywood Bowl and we sang religious songs there. So I can honestly say I sung on stage at the Hollywood Bowl and it wouldn't be a lie. Of course I did do a bad thing even at six. We were supposed to stand forming a cross. At a signal the idea was to drop our black gowns and since we were all wearing white shirts and blouses the cross would change from black to white. Must have been so engrossed in the song I missed the signal and suddenly I stood out as a black mark on a white cross. Wonder if God will forgive me my missing the first stage cue of my life. I've missed a few since then but never felt as bad as I did when I was six.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

An old blonde woman went to visit her attractive blonde daughter. She found her naked and waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The beautiful blonde responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When he arrives, his first question is: "What are you doing naked?"

The old gal responds, "This is the dress of love," as she smiles with a 'come hither' look.

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

I always remember what Billy Wilder use to say about me. "That girl is one of those stars who bloom into beautiful life when she is in front of the camera." Mr. Wilder was a director known for his sharp eye. He was as critical of me when working as any director I ever had. He was up front about his feelings and said what he thought. I like that in a person.
I'm going to speak to Gene Kelly soon. I've heard he might like to do a dance-musical and thought I would be good for laughs. Then there is Sidney Skolsky and his ideas about using me in a film about Jean Harlow. Wow. Me as Jean Harlow... Then there was Julie Styne who has an idea about a musical of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. Can you imagine a tree in Brookleyn singing? That's as bad as Bobbie Kennedy yelling at me just because I forgot something he told me. He can certainly act like a pig in a bay sometimes. Pig in a bay... Hey that was it he told me about Cuba's pigs all taking a bath in a bay of blood or something like that. Wish that Peter Lawford would not keep coming over her and fixing me up with that clown. Every since I sang at his brother's birthday bash he thinks he can take advantage of a dumb blonde. Maybe I should dye my hair.

As a painless way to save money, the young man and his lusty looking blonde wife arranged that every time they had sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He naturally asked his wife, "Hey, what`s up. Look at all that loot!"

"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

Yes, I always knew the camera was kind to me. I thought of it as my friend. It was because of David Conover that I found that out. Might say he was the first of photographers that couldn't wait to flap their shutters at my body. He sold a lot of me to Yank magazine and that was my first big break. Didn't mind at all going off on weekends with him and shooting outdoor shots. It was the most excitement I had going during those first years of being married to Jim.

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the blonde defendant. "You came home from work early and found your husband in bed with a strange woman."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing him."

"That's correct," says the blonde defendant crossing her legs in full view of the jury.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your husband and not his lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the blonde, "than shooting a different female every week or so! Men can be such philanderers you know and especially my former husband."

I've been asked why my first marriage didn't work. That was easy enough to answer. Studios looking for new starlets wanted them single with no thoughts of getting pregnant. Besides, being married to a sailor leaves a lot of time being alone. When our divorce papers were finally put into Jim's hands he was in Shanghai. You could say he was Shanghaied in reverse. Instead of being hauled off with loss of freedom, he was released and free as a bird!

I guess Auntie Ana Lower was the first person in the world I ever really loved and she loved me.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? More leg room.

Why do blonds have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex !

Why do blondes wear underwear? They make good ankle warmers.

Pills, pills, pills... It is a blur but if I remember correctly it started about the time that first big father figure in my life died. Johnny Hyde had did me favor after favor and everything had been easier with him looking out for me. Without him around I was scared more of the time than not. Natasha had me under her wing and the pills were to help me settle my nerves and even sleep. That's when people started asking if I was all right. Must have been walking around in a daze and everybody could see it but me. Haven't been able to sleep since Johnny went into the ground. His thoughtfulness left me in a seven-year contract with Mr. Zanuck and 20th Century-Fox. I could tell he thought I was one dumb blonde and a joke at that.

I seldom write letters, but I love calling friends, especially late at night, when I can't sleep.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

About my last picture, The Misfits, some people like it, but not me. I was disappointed. I've never been in a Hollywood fight or feud. I have the most wonderful memory for forgetting things.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Why won't people believe I was serious when I wanted to test at RKO for the part of Grushenka in Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov. They laughed when I walked around with the book under my arm. You would think they didn't believe I could read or something!

Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

I guess people think that why I'm late is some kind of arrogance, and I think it is the opposite of arrogance...I do want to be prepared when I get there to give a good performance or whatever to the best of my ability. I've been on a calendar but never on time.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number. Or: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper.

When asked who gave me the most help with playing comedy in front of the camera, I would have to say Thelma Ritter. It was in the picture As Young As You Feel that I had to be on camera with the notorious Monty Woolley whose beard alone could captivate an audience. How to make the audience notice me? That was the question I put to Thelma. She told me the secret of comedy that I would remember over the years. It's all in the eyes. Of course come nimble eyebrows helps. Just ask Groucho Marx.

How can you tell when a blonde is horny? Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse eating oats, she's horny.

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? Marriage.

What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde? When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

How is a blonde like a frying pan? You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Claudette Colbert has the roundest most appealing cheeks in Hollywood. Imagine doing a scene with her Macdonald Carey and Zachary Scott? Would I be able to hold my own? Claudette played with Clark Gable capturing all the major awards after doing It Happened Once Night. I'd have died and gone to heaven to play that role with Clark Gable. I use to tell the kids in the orphanage that Clark Gable was my father. What I wouldn't give to be able to play opposite that great actor in a picture of my own. I really envy Claudette and find a one of the most charming of people.

How does a blonde interpret 6.9? A 69 interrupted by a period.

How do you describe the perfect blonde? Three feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way.

You know when you get grown up you can get kind of sour, I mean that's the way it can go... After all I have come up from way down.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Proofreading.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the W's.

When I was older, I used to go to Grauman's Chinese Theater and try to fit my foot in the prints in the cement there. And I'd say, "Oh, oh, my foot's too big! I guess that's out." I did have a funny feeling later when I finally put my foot down into that wet cement. I sure knew what it really meant to me. Anything's possible, almost.

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? To keep her ankles warm.

How can you tell a blonde had a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Robert Ryan and Barbara Stanwyck is said to have talked about my lateness on the set of Clash By Night. They are sure to give me a bad reputation. I don't know why they find me difficult to work with? I wonder if they know I'm only getting $750 a week for this work they are giving me? The parts aren't that great either.

What is foreplay for a blonde? Thirty minutes of begging.

What is a blonde's idea of dental floss? Pubic hair.

What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Goethe said, "Talent is developed in privacy", you know? And it's really true. There is a need for aloneness, which I don't think most people realize for an actor. It's almost having certain kinds of secrets for yourself that you'll let the whole world in on only for a moment, when you're acting.

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? You need a quarter to use the phone or only one person can use the phone at once.

I used to say to myself, 'What the devil have you got to be proud about, Marilyn Monroe?' And I'd answer, 'Everything, everything,' and I'd walk slowly and turn my head slowly as if I were a queen.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him? "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

I can't believe that Charles Laughton actually said about me that I had marvelous instincts and did a good job of projecting in front of the camera. That man is like the essence of a great actor. Being in his presence is like being in the presence of God himself.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? She turned it over and used the other side.

What did the really dumb blonde say when someone blew in her bra? Thanks for the refill.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Acting isn't something you do. Instead of doing it, it occurs. If you're going to start with logic, you might as well give up. You can have conscious preparation, but you must have unconscious results.

Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show!

Why don't blonds breast feed? Because they always burn their nipples warming the milk.

Sometimes I really miss Muggsy. Collie dogs are something special with special psychic abilities. I swear Muggsy knew what I was thinking before I did. He was the easiest dog to house train that I ever had. When Muggsy wanted to go out to do his thing he would come up to me, stare me in the eyes and grumble deep in his throat. Apparently that was what he thought talking was all about. That was Muggsy's way of talking to me. I think Muggsy's collie nose was the most distinctive nose in Hollywood outside of maybe Peter Lawford's.

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