Cheetah's JOKES & FUNNYS

Little twink
Sent in by Canch

Starkle, Starkle, little twink
Who the hell are you I think
I'm not under what you call,
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more drink to fill up my cup,
'cause I got all day sober to tomorrow up.

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED

Sent by BudFrog12

• Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of Parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why do they have locks on the doors?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
• You know how most packages say "Open here". What should you do if the package says "Open somewhere else"?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car its called shipment but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
• If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

1997 ATTORNEY BAG LIMITS

GENERAL:

1. Any person with a valid drivers licence may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidently struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest carwash.
4. It is unlawful to chase , herd, or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to use illicit substances, $100 bills, ladies of the night, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys with in 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, houses of the night, health spas, bars, ambulances or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office it shall be a felony to hunt trap or possess them without special license.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department certificate of vermin inspection.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS:

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder---------------------------- 2
2. Two Faced Tortfeasor -------------------------------- 1
3. Back Stabbing Divorce Litigator-------------------- 4
4. Big Mouthed Pub Gut--------------------------------- 3
5. Honest Attorney--------------------------------------- EXTINCT
6. Cut Throat ---------------------------------------------- 2
7. Back Stabbing Whiner------------------------------- 3
8. Brown Nosed Judge Kisser ------------------------ 2
9. Silver Tongued Drug Defender-------------------- $100 Bounty
10. Hairy Tushed Civil Libertarian --------------------- 4

STATUES

Sent in by Canch

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head."

Dogs are Different

Boozy a Cyberfriend sent in the Dogs funny's.

How Dogs are Different than Men

• Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
• Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
• You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
• Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
• Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
• Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs understand what "no" means.
• Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
• Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
• You can house train a dog.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
• Dogs are nice to your relatives.
• Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
• Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
• Dogs admit it when they're lost.
• Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
• Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
• Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
• You can force a dog to take a bath.

DOGS AND MEN

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both like to chew wood.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions.
• Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• Both tend to smell riper with age.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Neither do dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.
• Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

MEN ARE BETTER

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

• Men only have two feet to track in mud.
• Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
• Men open their own cans.
• Dogs have dog breath _all_ the time.
• Men can do math stuff.
• Holiday Inns accept men.
• Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Pearly Gates

This was sent to me by my Cyberfriend Rosie.

Cars and Computers

. . . If People Bought Cars The Same Way They Bought Computers. . .

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers- but imagine if they did...

Freak Truck Accident

The following story was faxed to me. I don't know if it is true or not, but if it is it really makes me wonder!

It said...The following article was taken from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.

Two Local Men Injured In Freak Truck Accident, Cotton Patch, Ark. July 25, 1996

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Road 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyner reported the accident shorty after midnite Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Ark after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge.

After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicle off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened" said Synder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pool's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and if anyone got them from the truck.

Cats are Better

This one was sent by my friend Dancer!

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. A cat always hits the litterbox.
2. Better chance of training a cat.
3. You never have to spend time with your cats mother.
4. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
5. You can de-claw a cat...Try to get a guy to trim his toenails.
6. It's ok if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
7. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
8. A cat knows your the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.

GOVERNMENTS UNABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY

This was sent to me by my friend Doty.

When the government gets finished reforming health care we might as well stay home and operate on ourselves....So I thought we had better learn some medical terminology.

1. Barium - What you do when the patient dies.
2. Urine - The opposite of "Your out!".
3. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
4. Ova - Finished; Done with
5. Sperm - To reject; Look away from
6. Dilate - To live a long time
7. Enema - Opposite of a friend
8. Node - Was aware of
9. White count - The number of caucasian's
10. Hernia - Pertaining to a females knee
11. Fibrillate - To tell a small lie
12. D&C - Where Washington is
13. Bunion - Paul's surname
14. Rectum - Danged near killed him
15. Paradox - Two doctors
16. Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird
17. Constipation - Endangered feces
18. Penis - Someone who plays the piano
19. Humerus - To tell us what we want to hear
20. Intestine - Currently taking a exam
21. Outpatient - A person that has fainted
22. Genital - Non Jew
23. Sacrum - Holy
24. Pap Smear - To slander your father
25. Pelvis - The evil twin of Elvis
26. Seizure - Roman Emperor
27. Cat Scan - When the Secret Service looks for Socks

Sorry Doty doesn't even have a computer.....can you even imagion that!!!!

STRESS IS

The Confusion Created when One's Mind Overrides the Body's Basic Function to Choke the Crap Out of Some Jerk that Drasticly Need's it!!

STRESS REDUCTION KIT

Ohio River fishing

There were two guys fishing on the Ohio River at night for catfish, one on the north side, one on the south side.

The guy on the northside of the river was just catching the heck out of fish and the guy on the southside wasn't.

This went on for quite some time.

The guy on the southside hollered over "I sure wished I was on your side of the river so I could catch some fish".

The guy on the northside hollered back "Jump in a boat and come on over".

The guy on the southside hollers back "I don't have a boat".

The guy on the northside hollers back "I've got a good idea" then he turns on this high beam spotlight, shines it across the river and hollers to the guy on the southside "just jump on the beam and walk over".

The guy on the southside hollers back "No way! I'm no fool".

The guy on the northside hollers back "What do you mean?".

The guy on the southside hollers back "When I got about half way over you would probably turn the beam off."

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