Beans

This was sent to me by Chach

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this!" So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner!! The windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Drunk

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Great Reciepe

These were sent to me by Jessi

Ingredients:

1 cup of butter, 1 cup of sugar, 4 large eggs, 1 cup dried fruit, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp soda, 1 tsp salt, lemon juice, brown sugar, 1 or 2 quarts whiskey, nuts.

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good huh?

Select a large mixing bow, measureing cup, etc.

Check the whiskey again to make sure it's just right and not losing out to evaporation.

To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a large, drinking glass and drink as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an alectric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffly bowl. Add 1 tsp. thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure the whickey is of the finest quality, cry another tup. Open second quart is necessary.

Add 2 large eggs, 2 c. fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters just pry it loose with a drewdriver.

Sample the whitkey agian, checking for consicicticity, then sift 3 c. of salt or anything,it really doesn't matter.

Sample the whickey.

Sift 1/2 pint of lemeon juce. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bobblespoon brown thrgar, or whaever color you can find and mix well. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350. now pur the hole mess in coven and ak for 1 tmr by our.

Check the wickey agin and gotobed!

Relax

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub. The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?"

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast --some 20 MILES away from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

* The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."

* The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

* The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

* The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

* Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

* Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

* IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

* PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!! "

Mathematics
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his mathematics. His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement. His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not religious. They checked around and the school seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the school.

Immediately the boy's math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to become an A student. His parents were surprised at the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his improvement. "Was it better teaching" they asked and the boy said "No the teachers are about the same". "Was it a different text book?" Again the boy said "No it is the same text book" Finally they asked their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement. The boy said "the first day I went to school I knew they took their math seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious consequences." Their parents asked what made him realize the school took math so seriously. The boy answered " the first thing I saw when I went into the classroom was a statute of some guy nailed to a plus sign".

BlackCat

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