CHRISTMAS HUMOR

You Know You're a Scrooge When...

You give jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces.

You get your Christmas tree from the discard pile at midnight on december 24.

You figure no one will notice your gifts are wrapped in used tin foil and old shoelaces.

You eat all the candy canes and popcorn off someone's tree without permission.

Your favorite Christmas window is the smoked meat display at the deli.

You leave the price tag on your presents so people will know what they cost.

You know it's better to receive than to give.

You enjoy telling children "There is no Santa Claus".

You call your parents 1-800-Collect on Christmas Day.

Instead of candles in your windows, you light highway flares.

You deliberately run out of food at your holiday party so everyone will leave early.

You tell people outside churches the time of Midnight Mass has been changed.

You hold your thumb over the lens when you take holiday photos.

You only call friends with toll-free numbers.

Instead of roast turkey, you're planning a Christmas Day wienie roast.

You throw water balloons at Christmas carolers.

You promise to mail a child's letter to the North pole, but you don't.

You answer the door by asking visitors,"what did you bring me?"

You keep unscrewing light bulbs from friends Christmas trees.

You bake laxatives into your Christmas cookies.

You keep changing your seat during Midnight Mass.

You tell your mail carrier you've just subscribed to two dozen new magazines.

You tell a child that Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus are getting a divorced.

You take one bite out of each of the Christmas cookies.

Your idea of a great Christmas dinner is a McDonald's Extra-Value meal.

You yell "Merry Xmas" as you cut off a car to get the last parking space in the mall.

You like to sing, "We wish you a rotten Christmas."

You think the holiday blues are a lovely color.

You send out postcards that say " Christmas is cancelled this year."

You give empty bottles labeled "Fresh Air" as gifts this year.

You start your Christmas shopping December 26, when everything's on sale.

Your heart races and eyes twinkle when you hear,"Attention Kmart shopper".

You stuff the Christmas Turkey with last year's left overs.

You tell the kids on Christmas morning that Christmas has been cancelled.

You make your poor dog wear antlers.

You give library books as Christmas gifts.

You tell Santa who has been standing in a store all day that he neds Right Guard.

You give your old eight-track tapes, telling everyone they're coming back.

You mail your least favorite friend a gift box full of Styrofoam peanuts.

You wouldn't mind if Santa showed up missing and on the back of a milk carton.