1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
DINING OUT
1.When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a
taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good
his manners
are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say
10:00 PM, others might say "before the wedding." Whichever, remember it
is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time the next day.
THEATER
1.Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately
after the movie has ended.
2.Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they
can't hear you. Really.
WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Farm
animals,
sometimes.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a too-casual appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks (and shoes) for this
special
occasion.
DRIVING
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles. Even if the gun
is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires
always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1.Never take a keg to a job interview. Or to church.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still
considered bad taste to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
© 1997
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