Poems Dedicated To The 1980's
You know that you're stuck in the 80's when...
1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister.
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack.
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
5. Punky Brewster is your hero.
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64.
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's.
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf.
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms.
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks.
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.
17 you know who Stinky Sullivan is.
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl."
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.
21. you know who Loverboy is.
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion.
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis."
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
26. you still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the
national anthem.
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma.
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story."
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare.
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.
34. you can name all The Wuzzles.
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.
36. you can do the Safety Dance.
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2."
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.
41. you know whose number is 867-5309.
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control.
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century.
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train.
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.
48. you still watch things on Beta.
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show.
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on."
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house.
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in.
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows.
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss.
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for.
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge.
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.
63. you still drink New Coke.
64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is.
65. you know ALF's real name.
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered
bangs.
67. you can name all of the Thundercats.
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home.
74. you know the original members of Menudo.
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it
doesn't talk back.
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion."
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons.
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian."
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes.
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45.
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure."
89. you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
90. you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
91. .you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar
Galactica."
92. songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
93. three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
94. you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive
option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
95. you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend"
96. you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV
97. you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller
skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
98. a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"
99. you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's,pissed that you were a part of the
70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no
clue what the 90's are all about.
100. you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they
still look bad.
101. while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again
at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
102. you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
103. one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the
Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing anyway?"
104. you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably
watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing
you think of is "Oliver Stone"
105. you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as
we know it"
106. you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as
well.
107. you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the
station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
108. you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any
meaning for you until about the third verse.
109. you've never conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"
110. you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that
it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
111. you've ever asked yourself, "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
112. you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to
choose from.
113. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
114. flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO
disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
115. you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi
Lauper video.
116. at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to
the number of plastic rings on that arm.
117. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a
school dance.
118. the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
119. you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked
kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
120. you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your
old big wheel quite obsolete.
121. the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
122. you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you
could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
123. honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better
special effects than those in the movie TRON.
124. you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie
"The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
125. you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40
you have to look out for.
126. you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you
to date due to their age.
127. your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described
by the phrase "I was experimenting"
128. this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still
in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you
are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better,
the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the
theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or
Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for
them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls
and lockers at school.
129. you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting
followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
130. you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
131. you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to
school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
132. you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any
more.
133. you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
134. U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
135. you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
136. you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the
Six Million Dollar Man.
137. you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
138. you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
139. you're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since
Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
140. you know who shot J.R.
141. this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."