DIExSHINYA FIC

Part 3

Shinya applied more concealer around his eyes but the puffiness were still visible. He reached out with a hand and touched his own reflection in the mirror. He seemed to admire it for a moment before frowning and turning away, tears looming in his eyes again.

I thought he would be angry at me…is it better to end like this? I wanted him to scold me or even hit me but…he seemed so calm…he spoke to me as if he had thought over it for a long time before deciding. And he had decided to break up. Why? I thought he loved me…I didn’t think that he would really…just because I had sex with Kaoru…Is this how he feels about me now? Has he given up on us totally? Die…

Taking up the razor knife from the edge of the soap box, Shinya stared at it with fascination. Would he kill himself for Die as Die tried to do for him? But he didn’t want to die without knowing whether Die still loved him or not. Would he kill himself for Kaoru? He shook his head. He didn’t have Kaoru to begin with, how could he lose him? Was losing a lover always this painful? If he could choose, which one would he love? Kaoru or Die?

Bitter tears found their way from his eyes down his face. No…what choice did he have? Kaoru has Toshiya and wouldn’t trade their relationship for Shim and Die didn’t want him anymore.

Die, Kaoru, Die, Kaoru, Die, Kaoru, Die…

He had neither.

A drop of tear fell onto the blade.

***

Die tilted his head upwards to look at the clear blue skies. No, he looked upwards to stop the tears from rolling down his face.

Shinya…why, why, why?!!

He felt as if his heart had been cut, stabbed, pierced, with countless knives.

***

Shinya chewed on his lip as his fingers dialled Kaoru’s house number. It beeped a few times before somebody picked it up.

" Hello?" The voice said. Shinya’s teeth stop gnawing on his lip just as he felt his heart pause for a brief second.

" Who’s that?" Toshiya asked when he heard nobody speaking.

Shinya hung up the phone and backed against the wall. But he felt so lonely…

Picking up the receiver again, he dialled a different number.

***

The setting sun coloured the dusk sky just like a painter would paints the canvas with hues of red and orange. Little silhouette birds dotted the sky as they flew home. The sky met with the lake at the horizon; the waters reflecting the landscape on its ripples.

Shinya sat with his back facing him. Kyo merely stared at the drummer; standing with his hands in his pocket and a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Sounds of kids laughter as they played became their background music.

" Do you think I’m selfish, Kyo?" Shinya suddenly asked.

" Why’d you ask?"

" Answer me." Shinya rested a cheek on his knees.

The vocalist shrugged. " I don’t know; it depends on what you’re talking about ne?"

" I suppose."

Silence fell upon them again as the skies began to darken and the young moon appeared vaguely in the backdrop. Kyo threw the cigarette onto the ground and stepped on it. Shinya didn’t move away as the older man enclosed him in an embrace from behind.

" Is it about Die?" he asked but the drummer didn’t answer. " I thought so. You people are so messed up!"

" How did you know?" Shinya leaned against Kyo’s small frame, huddling himself into a small ball so that he could fit.

" What do you think, I’m blind?!" Kyo laughed. " That ‘accident’ wasn’t really an accident, was it?"

Shinya’s heart almost froze as Kyo brought up that. " No."

" Shinya?" Kyo held him by the shoulders and turned him to see the young man’s face. Stray strands of hair fell over Shinya forehead, his face made up but the eyes were sad and doleful. " Tell me what happened."

Shinya didn’t want to repeat it all but he desperately needed somebody to listen to him even if it meant bringing back the unpleasant memories. The day had faded into night as they talked in an almost too quiet park.

" Two weeks ago Die went back to his hometown, or was supposed to, so I was alone. While I was feeling bored, suddenly I got a call from Kaoru. He asked me if I was free and if I could come to the pub for a drink." Shinya paused and wet his dry lips.

" I agreed. When I arrive, Kaoru was already half-drunk and was crying. He and Toshiya had a fight. He told me how unreasonable Toshiya was and how much that angered him…" He didn’t continue.

" What? What happened?" Kyo asked curiously but his voice was tinged with concern.

" Promise you won’t tell anyone this?"

Kyo nodded. Shinya hesitated but said softly, "Then I had hoped that maybe he broke up with Toshiya. I know how selfish it was of me to think like that. But at that time, I thought…I still loved Kaoru... I brought him home; I really didn’t think of having sex with him. I was thinking it would be better if he stayed her for the night to let Toshiya calm down. But then he began kissing and undressing me."

" I didn’t know what to do or what to think as I let him do what he wanted. I didn’t know whether should I stop him or not. Yet all my uncertainties disappeared when I saw Die standing by the door," Shinya choked down a sob.

" He stared accusingly at us, at me. His lips pursed over in anger but his eyes had fresh tears rimming them. Kaoru, in his drunken state, ignored him and held to my body as I screamed for Die to stop him from running away. But by the time I got dressed, I couldn’t find him," Shinya voice cracked and tears rolled down his face.

" I wanted to explain him; I didn’t know what to say but something told me I had to find him. I am so stupid!" Kyo wrapped the drummer in the comfort of his arms as he wailed and wept.

" So…Die tried to kill himself because of this. He jumped off nine floors because he saw you making out with Kaoru?" Kyo asked. " If he did that, you should know what he feels for you. Why are you so sad?"

Shinya clutched to Kyo’s shirt. " He doesn’t want me anymore. When he woke up, he called me a slut! I thought he acted that way because he was jealous…but today…he told me that he wanted to break up. Why, Kyo?" The drummer looked at the shorter man with his teary eyes, demanding for an answer but got none.

" I told him over and over that I loved him. But he would not listen! I love him so much it’s killing me now!" The tears mixed with his words.

" Give him time, Shinya. Maybe he’ll change his mind," Kyo said as he dried his tears with a tissue.

" You think so?" Shinya held on to the collar of the vocalist’s shirt. " I really love him. I don’t want him to leave me." He cried softly in Kyo’s arms.

" Shinya, Shinya, Shinya…" Kyo stroked his hair as he chanted the young man’s name over and over again, hoping that it would somehow lessen his bandmate's sufferings.

***

End of Part 3

To Part 4

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