Women's Day
"My Mom, Lucille Ball"
by Desi Aranz Jr.
March 5, 1991
Last Updated: September 2, 1997
Formatted by: Ted Nesi
Scanned and Provided by: rodez1@sprynet.com
We all loved Lucy, but no one knew her better- or loved her more- than
her children. Desi Arnaz, Jr., shares warm memories of his mother.
Nearly two years after her death, on April 26, 1989, Lucille Ball
remains the world's best-loved comedienne. But what was Lucy really
like behind closed doors? A new CBS TV movie Lucy and Desi: Before the
Laughter claims to reveal the tempestrous truth about the wacky redhead
and her Cuban-born husband. But perhaps no one knew Lucy better than
her children, "Little" Lucie and Desi, Jr. Her son, now 38, shares warm
memories of a woman who loved her husband deeply, struggled to keep her
family together and was a devoted mother. His story reminds us why we
all loved Lucy.
Sometimes I catch sight of a photo or find an I Love Lucy rerun on TV.
And then it hits me: how much I miss her. Our relationship went through
some painful stages, but Mom's love was intense and tenacious.
My parents were probably the most famous couple in Hollywood when
I was growing up, but they didn't act like stars at home. In many ways
I had an ordinary upbringing. That was largely Mom's doing; family was
extremely important to her. She had my sister Lucie when she was 39,
after ten years of marriage and two miscarriages. I came along when she
was 41. I think Mom loved us more simply because she'd wanted children
for so long.
She spent alot of time with Lucie and me. She attended school
plays and Little League games, helped me with my homework, and made an
effort to get to know my friends. She took us to Disneyland and
followed us around with a home movie camara. She even tape recorded
interviews with us. Mom saved everything from our childhood and kept
boxes and boxes of momentoes-including baby shoes, our drawings, and all
the gifts her fans sent when I was born. "The years go by so quickly,"
she used to say.
Mom tried to pass on the solid values she had learned from her own
mother, "You're not special because you're famous," she said. If we
broke the rules we got spanked, grounded or sent to our rooms. Lucie
and I had to make our beds and pick up our clothes. Although Mom wanted
us to enjoy her wealth, she wanted us to learn the value of money too.
At times she was extravagant: On one of my birthdays, Mom had a carnival
set up in our backyard- complete with a Ferris wheel, clowns and a live
elephant! But our weekly allowance, which started at .50 never exceeded
$5. And while some stars' children went to school in chauffeur-driven
cars, we rode the bus.
Off screen Mom wasn't Lucy Ricardo. She didn't get into outlandish
predicaments. When she tried to tell a joke she usually got the
punchline wrong-and she'd laugh at her mistake. To Mom comedy was all
character, and nothing was funnier than your own pretensions.
In 1960, when I was 7, my parents split up. Dad moved from Beverly
Hills to Del Mar, near San Deigo. Their divorce was extremeley painful
for Mom because she tried so hard to prevent it. She consulted
psychiatrists and even arranged an elborate European vacation to try to
bring the family together. When Dad's drinking and womanizing finally
became too much for her, she let go. Yes, she was sad and angry, but
she didn't impose those feelings on my sister, Lucie, and me.
My sister and I were never put in the middle. Mom encouraged us to
have a relationship with Dad, and we saw him often. In fact, their
divorce was so noncombative that they used the same lawyer and agreed to
split their financial empire 50-50.
After the divorce, my parents' relationship improved in many ways.
They talked often and laughed the old way. Mom introduced my
stepfather, Gary Morton, to Dad before marrying him in 1961. And she
warmly approved of Dad's second wife, Edie.
Mom told Lucie and me that didn't expect Gary to take Dad's place.
"You'll always have your father," she said. We already knew that, but
it wasn't enough. We took Mom to see The Parent Trap-the movie where
Hayley Mills reunites her divorced parents-about five times. "Can't you
say you're sorry and go back?" I asked. She shook her head. "People
change," she said, sadly.
I relize now that Mom's love for Dad really was love, so it never
changed to hate. She kept Dad's wedding ring all her life. He'd lost
it in the ocean during a Hawaiian vacation shortly before they broke up.
Several years later a fan found it, noticed it was inscribed "To Desi
with Love From Lucy," and returned it to Mom. In the meantime, Dad had
had a duplicate ring made. He kept that all his life too.
At 12, I formed a band with two grammar school friends, Billy
Hinsche and Dean Martin, Jr. Frank Sinatra helped us get a recording
contract, and Dino, Desi and Billy became a big success. We earned
thousands of dollars, played on the Ed Sullivan Show, and were chased by
crowds of screaming girls. We socialized with Elvis and the Beach Boys.
I was also intoduced to drugs and alcohol. I looked like I was having a
great time. Inside, I felt hollow. Was this all there was? The
question terrified me. I told myself all I needed was something
else-more money, another girl, a different kind of drug.
Mom and I started to fight. She was worried that success had come
too easily for me, and got angry when I ignored my schoolwork and
brought home failing grades. She pleaded with me to get help for my
drinking and drug habits. But I felt industructible. We argued alot
and sometimes stopped speaking to each other for weeks. I spent more
and more time at Dad's house. He had a love for life that I admired,
and his own drinking problem prevented him from coming down too hard on
me.
By 15 I was financially independent. I still lived at Mom's house,
though, until we had a big argument on our front lawn at 6 A.M. I
was just getting home after being out all night with my new girlfriend.
I thought I was in love, and that love justified being crazy and
impulsive. As I got out of my car, Mom and Gary were already at the
front door. She'd been up most of the night frantically calling the
police and the hospitals, and she looked tired and tense. "I'm in
love!" was all I could say.
"Don't you see that your actions affect other people?" she asked.
"How could you be so irresponsible?" Later we talked. "Desi, you have
to choose," Mom said. "You can either live here and follow the rules,
or you can leave. But if you go, you're entirely on your own."
"I can take care of myself," I insisted. It was a sad moment: A
part of my life was ending. I already belonged to the adult world and I
couldn't go back to being a regular teenager. So although I was only
16, I chose to move into my own apartment. Over the years I drifted
farther and farther away emotionally.
Mom kept trying to reach out to me. She encouraged me to bring
my girlfriends over to the house. Although the press made them out to
be enemies, Mom actually liked Patty Duke. What she didn't like was the
idea of me, at 17, having a relationship with a 23 year-old divorcee.
As for Liza Minnelli-another divorcee, 7 years my senior, whom I became
involved with several years later-she said, "I feel like a mother to
her." When I married Linda Purl in 1980, she gave us her blessing.
Unfortunately, i couldn't accept my mother's helping hand. For
one thing, I was so stubbornly sure I had all the answers. For another,
drugs were taking over my life. At 18 I had already experimented with
LSD, mescaline, cocaine, Quaaludes and marijuana. By 23 I was out of
control. I couldn't maintain a relationship with anyone.
Finally in 1982 I reached a breaking point. I was in a hotel
in Las Vegas where I'd taken part in a tennis tournament. I felt
miserable- my marriage had recently ended-and I'd gone on a three-day
drug binge to try to ease the loneliness. But it didn't work. At 29 I
was dying physically and spirtually.
I had been inching toward change. About two years before, I'd
joined a free self-development program called Success Without Stress,
sponsored by the nonprofit New Life Foundation. That's when I first
relized I had to change my life completly, from the inside out. Finally,
I was ready to act.
I phoned Mom. She was the first person I thought of. "I guess
you're wondering where I am," I began, because I was supposed to meet
her several hours later to do a talk show in Los Angeles. "I'm not
coming. I need help."
"Good," she said. "I understand. I'll help you." She never said
one word about my leaving her in the lurch.
Within a week I began treatment at Scripps Memorial Hospital
in La Jolla, California. Mom was a crucial particapant in my recovery.
She endured family-confrontation therapy with five other families. She
had no hesitations-but the others couldn't forget her public image. On
the first day everyone was wearing an "I Love Lucy" button. Mom
graciously said, "Isn't that nice? Thank you," but made it clear she
was there to help me.
During the sessions, I told Mom I loved her and appreciated
all the advantages she'd worked so hard to provide, but that I needed
something beyond money and success.
Mom talked about her feelings of guilt. "I keep thinking I
should have been able to prevent your problems," she said. "All I
wanted was for you to be happy." She described how scared she'd felt
when she saw me destroying myself. Suddenly, I saw how much I'd hurt
her. I relized I wasn't seperate and isolated. That was nine years ago
and I haven't used drugs or alcohol since.
When Mom went into the hospital in 1989, I went to her side
immediately. We spent some very quiet and peaceful times together. We
didn't make speeches. We'd already said what was in our hearts during
the previous seven years. She died about 5 A.M. on April 26. How can
I began to describe the way I felt? Shock, grief, loneliness, horror-the
words seem shallow and inadequate. It's still hard for me to adjust to
Mom's death. But I don't want to dwell on sorrow. I have to make the
most of my own life. My parents would have wanted that. Lucy and Desi
always believed in going forward. They believed in joy, laugter and
love, and the spirit of their happiness is a great gift to me.
A FAMILY HISTORY
11-30-40
LUCILLE BALL AND DESI ARNAZ
MARRY IN GREENWICH, CON-
NECTICUT.
7-17-51
"LITTLE" LUCIE IS BORN.
10-15-51
I LOVE LUCY DEBUTS ON CBS. IT ENDS
THE SEASON IN FIRST PLACE.
1-19-53
DESI, JR., IS BORN IN LOS AN-
GELES. THE I LOVE LUCY EPI-
SODE ABOUT LITTLE RICKY'S
BIRTH DRAWS 44 MILLION
VIEWERS, OR 90 PERCENT OF
THE TV AUDIENCE.
1960
LUCY AND DESI DIVORCE.
SOME 8,000 LETTERS FROM
DISAPPOINTED FANS POUR IN.
11-19-61
LUCY MARRIES COMIC GARY
MORTON IN NEW YORK.
3-2-63
DESI, SR., MARRIES EDITH
MACK HIRSCH IN LAS VEGAS.
1968
DESI, JR., LEAVES HOME.
JANUARY 1980
DESI, JR., MARRIES LINDA
PURL.
6-26-80
"LITTLE" LUCIE MARRIES AC-
TOR LAURENCE LUCKINBILL.
1981
DESI AND LINDA DIVORCE
1982
DESI JR., RECONCILES WITH
HIS MOTHER WHILE IN TREATMENT
FOR DRUG ADDICTION.
12-2-86
DESI, SR., DIES OF CANCER AT
HIS HOME IN CALIFORNIA
10-3-87
DESI, JR., MARRIES DANCER
AMY BARGIEL IN BOULDER
CITY, NEVADA, WHERE THEY
NOW LIVE WITH HER 13-
YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
4-26-89
LUCY DIES IN LOS ANGELES OF
A RUPTERED AORTA
Vintage Lucy Articles | Contents | swing4243@yahoo.com