I close my eyes, and try to find some beauty in the warm summer day, a mild breeze blows across my face and the sun warms my skin but any more I seemed to have been blinded to the fact that there is any beauty in this cold harsh world. I want to try to run away from these painful memories but something keeps me where I am, not I actually believe running away would do any good, the memories would only follow me, they will always be with me.  I can feel fresh tears begin to burn in my eyes, and I rub the tips of my fingers over my closed eyes in a desperate attempt to keep from shedding any more tears then I already have. It doesn’t do much good, tears still leak from the corners of my closed eyes and streak down my cheeks. I sigh deeply and open my eyes and stare out across the shimmering waters of the lake.
     ‘I can’t go on living like this.’
I can hear someone approach and I turn to see who is there, and see my cousin Daisy.
     “Hey Luke, I thought I might find you here.” Daisy says. “Though I don’t know why you keep coming here.”
     “I don’t know either.”
     “Any time I am near here I can’t help but think about what happened.” Daisy says, and shivers, even though it is warm.
     “I can’t either, yet every day I still come here. I guess just because this is the last place I ever saw him alive.
Daisy nods sympathetically. “You have to know that it wasn’t your fault.”
     “I can’t help but think that there was something more I could’ve done. I don’t know if there was . . .”
     “There wasn’t Luke. I know how much you are hurting, we all are hurting too but you do have to move on with your life, you know that Bo would want that.”
     “I know that . . . I just don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I can live without him, he was my best friend, my brother. He was a major part of my life and a part of my soul. I feel as though a large part of me died with him.”
     “Don’t say that Luke.”
     “It’s the truth Daisy.”
Daisy began to cry and throws her arms around me, I hug her and hold her close in a protective hug, trying to offer the most comfort that I possible can, which is very little since I can’t even comfort myself, I can’t pretend to be strong. After a moment Daisy steps away and wipes the tears off her face.
     “Sorry.” Daisy mumbles.
     “It’s okay. We have all shed our fair share of tears.”
Daisy nods. “It’s hard to say goodbye.”
     “Yeah I know it is . . . it is a word I can’t even say.”
     “You have to though Luke, it helps to ease some of the pain.”
     “Maybe someday I will but I am not ready yet, it has only been three months.”
     “You can’t continue to grieve forever.” Daisy says.
     ‘I don’t plan on grieving forever, only until I die . . . which I hope happens soon.’ I think to myself, knowing if I was to actually say that out loud that Daisy only start to cry again and I don’t wish to upset her.
     “I can’t believe what actually happened . . . or how it even happened. Bo was a strong swimmer.” Daisy says.
     “He hit his head, he was knocked out before going under the water.”
Daisy nods. “It is so hard to believe that . . . that Bo drowned.”
     “I don’t want to talk about it.”
     “Talk about it might help the pain go away, help you to deal with what happened.”
     “The pain will never go away and I will never be able to deal with what happened. You weren’t there you don’t know what was like.”
     “Then tell me what it was like.”
I sigh, as much as I don’t want to I begin to tell her what happened, reliving the most painful memory of my life. “It was a perfect day . . . it didn’t seem anything could go wrong, but then everything did. I don’t know why it happened even, but old wooden boat, just began crack and then it split in two and we both went into the water . . .” I stop and take a deep shuddery breath, finding it even harder to talk about then I had thought it would be. “I thought Bo was right behind me when I swam for shore but . . . when I got out of the water I realized he wasn’t there. I turned to look and couldn’t see him anywhere . . . it seemed like my worst nightmare had come to life and I was right it was. I swam back out, swimming harder and faster then I had ever swam before, but even that wasn’t enough. I dove under when I reached where the boat had sunk . . .”
     “It’s okay Luke.” Daisy says, her voice is soft and tears are streaking her cheeks again. “Just go on.”
I feel my own tears on my cheeks, I can see everything that happened that day just as clear as though it happened moments ago, and the pain of that memory cuts into my heart like a knife. I can feel my body trembling, but I don’t bother to try to pretend I am not hurting and act brave knowing it would be a pointless act. “When I dove under I saw Bo . . . his leg had got tangled in the anchor rope.” I swallow hard. “I was already far to late to save Bo . . . he was already dead. I cut the rope free and then dragged him back to shore. I tried CPR praying for some kind of miracle to save Bo’s life but the miracle never happened. If I had noticed Bo was in trouble sooner I could’ve saved him . . . but since I didn’t notice he drowned and it’s MY FAULT!”
     “No it’s not Luke. It wasn’t your fault that Bo drowned it was an accident.”
     “Just go home Daisy, I want to be alone.”
     “I don’t want to leave you here alone.”
     “I’ll be fine, really I will. I just want to be alone.”
     “Okay . . . I guess.” Daisy says and gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, before she walks off through the woods towards home.
     “Goodbye Daisy . . . I love you and Uncle Jesse very much but I can’t go on living like this.” I whisper softly into the wood as I watch Daisy vanish from sight.
I turn and walk into the lake, it don’t take long before I can no longer reach the bottom. I swim out to where the wreckage of the boat still lies on the bottom, and I dive beneath the surface of the water.  I wrap the rope of the anchor tightly around my wrist and I close my eyes as I await the inevitable, my death. A few minutes later my lungs begin to burn in a desperate need for air, and I can feel myself drifting towards the darkness of death. My last conscious thought is. ‘I am sorry I failed to save you Bo. I guess I’ll see you on the flip side little cousin.’