Lowbill: This guy likes to lie on the beach. |
Occupant: I am the very model of a modern major asshole. |
Artanas: Hunch ya bastard!!! Hunch over like the slime ya are!! |
AgentQ: Someone's just informed Don that Animal Instincts II is gonna be on Cinemax tonight. |
bosko: This is how you cross stitch |
AgentQ: Lapre before the execution. |
His_Imperial_Majesty: "King Money," huh? At least they're honest about it. |
rogeemoto: Don LAMPREY'S system of sucking off the top feeders in the food chain really works! |
Occupant: Dear Don: If you don't leave my son alone, we're going to haul your ass to prison. |
GreyShadow: Oh it was awful. First Don took all of the clothes off of my husband and then he used clothes pins to keep my eyes open and then... |
Jazzsoda: Oh, gonna go runnin to the cops like a little baby. Nya-nya, run to your momma little baby, go ahead! |
GuloGulo: "At last, the Making Money medallion shall be mine!" |
keogh: "Make a million and you could take a sandcrab up the ass like me...WHOOO-WHEEE!" |
Artanas: Did you ever wonder if this guy has a lower body? |
Occupant: Okay, I'm a dink, and I have less sex appeal than a squid, but I . . . uh . . . who wrote this cue card??? |
Occupant: Kumbaya my lord, Kumbaya. |
Jazzsoda: Greedy bastard's gonna gobble up the 800 number. |
Artanas: "Stop making that face at me Mr. Beezlelapre....you're scaring me!!!....MOMMY!!!!!!!" |
JOECROWTHERS: told as only a harem of 8-10 year old refugees could |
Hippie: I'm just not in the mood for a testimonial tonight, Lapre. I just had to crush my wife's skull with my bare hands. |
Artanas: "Say hello to the nice man Ethel" "Hello nice man" "Sorry, Ethel's....y'know....one of Don's top people..." |
AgentQ: Wow! Risk free! Holy shit, I gotta get in on this action! Wait, what do you mean, it's my offer? I think I would know if I was offering something risk free! |
Hippie: Yep, Don fans, Don's saved ALL his famous faces just for you! There's "the Scarface," "Fishsucker," "Wax Lips" and "Kazoo Tongue"! |
AgentQ: Now for this game, Aged Lapre can't use his arms, he'll be using Tony Slattery's arms instead, just slide them under the armpits like that... |
AgentQ: Hi, I'm Barbie D'Amour, inventor of the Bikini Carwash, Bikini Tour Guide, and Bikini Restaurant ideas. I'm here with Don Lapre, creator of Bikinis for Boys. |
Jazzsoda: "But how did you see through my ingenious disguise?!?!" "Don, it's just a different-colored shirt. And slightly at that. You just weren't made out for IMF." |
Hippie: A lovely pointillist piece from the Museum of Modern Bullshit. |
GuloGulo: I can just imagine Don wooing a lady--"Have (up to) one orgasm! Enjoy (possibly) fantastic oral sex!" |
Hippie: #34: In the cellar. #89: Flatpatch, Arkansas. #105: One time, in a bottle, I still have it. #431: Caught? Never. Come close? LOTS o' times! |
Hippie: A sudden brainfart releases a lodged thought in Don's brain and he begins to obsess once more about his all-Gummi cereal. |
Hippie: It always freaks me out how Don knows exactly how much I've got in my wallet at any given time. Creepy. |
Jazzsoda: Yeah, I miss the good old days of capping too... The Juiceman.... What do you mean, I'm not a "Captioneer"? I thought we all took turns being the guy on TV! |