Inferiormercials

Less Than the Best Infomercials

Hippie: Lesko, I don't care how much they're paying me, knock off that disgusting, perverted little "puppet show" or I walk!	GuloGulo: "Look, it's great for storing blankets, sweaters, unwanted fetuses, towels, throw rugs--anything, really!" "What was that you said, in the middle?" "Towels?"	Hippie: Hi, I'm Tom Wopat. Are you tired of going minutes, even HOURS without Pez? So was I... but not anymore! And some friends of mine are gonna tell you about it...
Jazzsoda: Toppled by the weight of it's own bullshit, the entire program goes down like dominoes.	bosko: The blue book is for boys and the pink for girls. Please indicate to the operator when ordering	GuloGulo: At the end of every show, Lesko reaches out, turns the handle, opens the screen of your TV and steps into your living room to sleep on your couch.
two: There's NO Risk! You will Lose Money!	two: but ..it wasnt my stuff	AgentQ: And it's perfectly safe!
KINGDINOSAUR: First, you need a deep and sturdy foundation of low-income employees.	Occupant: I like everything about this plan . . . except having to call him Massa Jeff.	keogh: Martha White asks you nice. If you haven't bought the pillows by the end of the month, her lieutenant, Mrs. Lipsplitter, makes a more --convincing--argument.
Shifter: Ooh! This is the part where he invites the cast of "Night Court" to drive steel spikes into his liver! This is great!	Occupant: Unbeknownst to anyone, Mark had secreted a tiny sewing machine up his sleeve . . .	Occupant: Someone seems to have already chosen the CD's.
Artanas: And all this time I thought it was a cop-buddy movie....DOH!	Occupant: Thanks, Cosmetic Miracle! You made my 15-year-old step-daughter look 12 again! Let's go upstairs, baby . . .	Seltaeb: She sells CDs by the seashore.
Hippie: Somehow get the feeling the suit is holding her hostage. Blink twice if this is true, Karen...	Hippie: And now I'll pout until you buy them! Hee hee hee--HELP ME! THE SUIT IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE! HELP ME--AAAAH STRANGLING CUFFS!	Hippie: So order the program and start enjoying--NO! NO! I WILL ESCAPE! I SHALL BE FREE! HELP! IT'S BECOMING TIGHT IN THE CROTCH AREA! OWWEEE!
keogh: "I got a few questions about the script." "Shoot." "First, am I 'old geezer' or 'badly dressed fat slob'?"

Fishin' Holes

Jazzsoda: Ooh, this is a big one... feels like a birch... steady...... steady....	bosko: Director Micheal Moore ready to direct a fishing documentry	Shifter: Anarchy! Anarchy!
Hippie: He would've been the best fisherman there ever was, but he let the Colonel run his life.	Shifter: That's odd. It's a complicated,110-piece fishing system, yet they say right there that it can't catch cod.	Hippie: Floodwater? Hah! I say FISHIN' WATER!
Jazzsoda: Hi, I'm your host, Bill Bickerto- twitch Uh, today we'll be taking a look a-- twitch yank whhiiiiirr "You got 'im Hank! Let up on the drag! Set the hook!"	Hippie: The Banjo Minnow, shaped like a bomb, actually scares fish into jumping out of the water! You'll eat good tonight--and for weeks--with the Banjo!	two: you get yerself a banjo,...now, I aint gonna tell ya twice
Hippie: It's not every day you catch a Waylon Jennings! Many of you will be tempted to throw him back, hoping to catch a Willie Nelson down the line...	Occupant: Let's sing the redneck national anthem! All together now: o/' You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille . . .	Hippie: But before we start trolling, let's have a moment of silence, stand, and say our pledge to Riff's hat.
BestBrainsInc: "I smell fish and saltwater..here.." 'Alright Don, ENOUGH song parodies! Can't you see we're trying to sell some damn vibrator fish lures????'

Kompyuter Wizzurds

Hippie: So I just point to the place I want to go and kick? *Ha ha! No, no! That's point and CLICK! This certainly explains your previous damaged computer, Judy!	rogeemoto: ..and speaking of laptops, why don't you get yourself over here missy!	Occupant: The part of the infomercial where they slam the concept of reading.
Hippie: Mary! Mary, wake up! Are you okay! I'm afraid "ram" is another elusive computer term, dear, not an instruction! Now, let's get a new computer...	Hippie: So what's it doing now? *Dear God, I don't know... Christ... oh! Okay! It's just the screen savior.	Hippie: Dammit, Mary, what have I told you about touching the windows? They're wide open! Be careful--did you ever see "Tron"?!?
JoeCrow: and when I flip it back and forth real fast it looks like she's humping the donkey	Hippie: ...and so, we maximize the window, right? I'll jack your shit. Huh? I'll fuck up your world. You're fuckin' with me? NO! *Oh I thought you was fuckin around	Hippie: C'mon, quit fuckin with me. You're asking for it. I just asked how to get to- You think I won't hit a woman? I'll knock the shit outta you. Quit fuckin round.
keogh: "Normally these tissues aren't enough to actually stick in the slot and hold data, but if you fold them over and press 'em tight..." "They hold data?" "Well, they fit in the slot."

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