FFIRC presents...
THE BUTT 3: Another Crack
(A parody)
Writers (in alphabetical order): Ammadeau, Bogue, Donny Cheng, Alan
Harnum, Ronny Hedin, Gary Kleppe, and D.B. Sommer.
This is a parody of "The Bet," by Gregg Sharp. It is being done strictly
for fun, and no offense is intended toward Mr. Sharp or any of the
others who have worked on the series. All characters used herein are the
rightful property of their respective creators.
The Butt concept is credited to Gary Kleppe.
Submission #1
The Clone Defenders of Tokyo-3
(Part of Butt3)
By Ammadeau
Oscir was sitting by his 'pool' waiting for this year's contestants to
come by. A man and a woman entered taking dramatic strides, only to be
spoiled when they both simultaneously tripped over their own feet. The
man looked to be an odd combination of Fabio and Gourry, while the woman
seemed a cross between Pamela Lee and Naga the Serpent. Both cases
seemed to have brought out the worst possible traits. They looked to be
siblings, with blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
They attempted to stand, only to trip over each other's feet this time.
Oscir was very tempted to help them up, or at least grope them, but
didn't get the opportunity as they sprung to their feet again.
"We are Rick . . .," the male declared at first, then suddenly seemed to
lose his train of thought.
" . . . and Rack," the female continued after a moment.
"And we are the God . . ."
". . . and Goddess of Loopy Crossovers."
Oscir considered the possibility that their IQs as well as their
appearances has been crossed as well, rounded down. Rick seemed the
kind of person who needed to be told to breathe, while Rack looked to be
the kind of girl who would have difficulty tying her shoes, even they
weren't hidden from her view by her significant frontage.
"So you guys want to make a small change to a current timeline?" Oscir
ventured.
Rick and Rack only stared blankly at him for a moment, then Rack nodded
her head. They both approached the pool.
"We want to . . . make change . . . right here."
***
Keel Lorenz, head of the secret organization known as Seele, stared out
the window of his first class compartment, watching Japan go by. He was
going to be personally checking a few things with the Katsuragi
expedition to make sure everything in Antarctica would go exactly as
planned.
***
"In real world, Keel arrives without problem," Rack told Oscir,
emphasizing her point by punching the godling in the face over his
latest grope attempt.
Rick picked up the pseudo-kitty by the neck and held him over the pool.
"Want to make change so train breaks down right here."
***
Keel was not the sort of man to grumble at the general incompetence of
Japan Rail, who believed it would be at least another hour before the
train could be underway again. He had been waiting a long time for what
was to come about and could afford to be patient about it. He decided
that while in Nerima, he might as well have lunch.
***
"No," Oscir said. *Not another one of those.*
"Yes," Rick and Rack replied, smiling.
***
Lorenz, guiding by some instinct picked up after centuries of life,
picked up his plate of half-eaten fried eel and stood up. A moment
later, a boy came crashing though the wall and plowed right into the
table. Keel had heard some stories about Nerima, most of which he
dismissed at idle rumors, but was surprised to find this level of
violence in broad daylight. He was even more surprised when the boy
stood up and looked none the worse for wear. Keel had seen more things
than most men had in a dozen lifetimes, so it had been a very long time
since he'd been surprised twice in one day. He suddenly decided that it
might be worth his time to find out more about this boy.
A large man suddenly appeared in the hole the boy had made and bellowed,
"Ranma, my boy, how dare you say that to your fiancée!?"
"I swear that tomboy is trying to poison me, pop!" the boy shouted back
as he walked away.
The man put a hand on his son's shoulder. "Just where do you think
you're going? You have to apologize to Akane this minute!"
The boy grabbed his father's arm and tossed him into Lorenz's already
much-abused table. As Genma stood to chase after the boy, a hand fell
on his shoulder. He looked up into the piecing eyes of a tall gaijin
with snowy white hair.
"Excuse me, but there's a small matter I wish to discuss with you."
***
"So Genma sells his son yet again?" Oscir asked, nursing a swollen jaw,
which was the only result of his latest attempt to get closer to Rick.
"Not . . . exactly."
***
"That's all you want?" Genma asked, a bit incredulously.
Keel nodded. "A few skin or hair samples is all that I require. And
I'm willing to pay quite handsomely for them."
Genma took out some of Ranma's pig-tail that had been cut off during the
whole 'dragon's whisker' incident. He knew that it would come in handy
some day.
Keel studied the lock with interest. "So what is your price?"
"Are you going to finish that fried eel?"
***
"Now must go future . . . things start happen."
***
"Today at 12:30, a state of special emergency has been declared all over
Kanto and Chubu districts around Tokai district. Please take refuge in
the designated shelters. Repeat. Today ...... "
The message had become nearly pointless as most people had cleared the
streets sometime before. The only thing left were the UN forces and . .
. it. 'It' was being officially designated as an Angel, though it
didn't look much like one. For one thing, it was several stories tall
and lacked anything resembling a humanoid form. The fire it used, not
to mention its scaly exterior, made it more like a devil. But the
biggest tip-off was there was something disturbingly familiar about this
'Angel.'
The large booming sound drew the attention of the 53rd battalion, who
lay in wait for the Angel. They knew it was just around the bend, and
then the thing turned the corner . . .
Private Throwaway turned to his superior, Sgt. I. M. Gonnadie, and
shouted, "It's Godzilla, we must flee!"
"Damn," the sergeant replied, "and I thought he was one of the good
guys."
Godzilla just burned them all with atomic fire like he'd done with the
last batch and stomped on their remains as he moved on.
***
"What the heck was that?" Oscir shouted.
"Angel," Rack replied.
"I thought it was supposed to be _one_ small change."
"Was," Rick explained. "When Keel change his plan, other plans
get changed."
"Just how much changed?" He asked as he reached for Rack's beach-ball
sized bosoms.
"We see," Rack told Oscir, punching him in the gut.
***
Ranma stood before the commander of NERV, Gendo Ikari. He was nervous;
not over the man who he had known even since his rebirth over a dozen
years ago, but for what he now had to do. That he had done it already
several times before did nothing to reduce his worry.
"Ranma, you know what you must do," Gendo told him. "There is no other
option if were are to save mankind from oblivion."
Ranma nodded. He was reluctant, but Commander Ikari was right. Staring
at the monster on the screen, he knew there wasn't any alternative.
Walking deep into the heart of the Geo-front, he prepared himself to
meet his destiny.
***
"So Ranma replaces Shinji in this timeline?" Oscir asked a little
hopefully. That would bring it back to familiar ground, at least.
"Not . . . exactly."
***
Ranma found the first person he was looking for, and not coincidentally
the easiest to deal with, working on something in the lab. She had
remained there after everyone had left when the alarms had gone off,
most likely not even noticing them.
Ranma steeled his courage and called out, "Ami-chan!"
The fourteen year-old girl with short blue-black hair immediately turned
around to face him. "Ranma, are you here to volunteer for an
experiment?" she asked, her voice a monotone
Ranma suddenly had a panicked look in his eyes. Every time he agreed,
he ended up worse than after one of Akane's meals. However, there was
no choice.
"Sure, but only if you help defend Tokyo-3 from the Angel again."
Ami sighed a little and reluctantly put down her tools. "All right."
Ranma thought to himself, *One down, four to go.*
Makoto was in the NERV cafeteria, baking. Ranma had to agree to eat the
cake she baked in order to get her cooperation. He hoped the stomach
pump was standing by. Not that what Makoto cooked was bad, far from it,
but she just cooked so much and always expected him to eat all of it.
Usagi was playing video games and agreed only if Ranma would listen to
her problems with 'Kaji-chan.' Ranma had found that the only way to
endure hours worth of whining was with earplugs.
Rei was exorcising and purifying the Geo-Front, despite that no one else
had ever seen the spirits she claimed interfered with their lives.
Ranma had to agree to undergo another one of her personal 'exorcism' for
her to agree to help.
And the last. Ranma shuddered. She was worse than all the others
combined. He would have forgotten about her, but Commander Ikari was
quite firm on needing all of them. He found her in her own private room
in the Geo-Front, testing out the 'equipment' she had put there. Ranma
had to agree to be Minako's 'playmate' in order to get her to help
defend Tokyo-3.
***
"One change?!" Oscir shouted as he repeatedly banged his head against
the wall.
Rick and Rack nodded.
"Found could not splice Angel DNA with Ranma 'cause he male," Rick
explained. "Even after find way to turn him girl."
"So Keel go out and find strong female DNA," Rack added.
"Only side-effect make personality traits much more extreme."
***
Ranma ran down the corridors of the Geo-Front, screaming, as the clones
of the five original sailor senshi all ran after him, shouting for his
attention.
"I just need a few more samples!"
"Eat these muffins!"
"You've got to help me find Kaji-chan!"
"I must purge the demon-woman from your soul!"
"I just got this new leather outfit I want you to try on!"
He ducked around a corner and suddenly drenched with cold water.
Ranko looked up to see Kaji holding a now empty bucket.
"Thanks," she told him.
He grinned, then took out a thermos and dumped the contents on his head.
Misato flicked the water out of her hair just as the senshi rounded the
corner.
"Oh Ranko, Misato, have you seen Ranma?" Makoto asked.
"And Kaji?" Usagi added eagerly.
Ranko and Misato slowly shook their heads. Misato told them, "I'm sure
you'll get to see them after you defeat the Angel out there."
"All right," the senshi replied as they raced off to get ready.
"The things we go through to keep the world safe," Ranko commented as he
watched them leave, fighting the urge to run as far away from Tokyo-3 as
she possibly could.
"Yeah," Misato replied and shuddered. "I need a drink."
***
"So the senshi are the EVA pilots?" Oscir asked, though sure of what
the answer was already.
"Not . . . exactly."
***
The clones of the once sailor senshi now stood on top of a building as
they surveyed the carnage that Godzilla was doing to the city. Music
started to play from the same speakers that had made the earlier
announcement and they all started to sing:
"Destroying Angels by daylight,
Chasing Ranma by moonlight.
Blowing up buildings left and right,
We are the one and only Sailor Clones!"
Ami tapped a black and gold symbol on her chest and shouted, "Reboot!"
In a flash of light, her clothes were replaced with a somewhat revealing
power suit. She posed and declared, "Sailor Iczer!"
"I am the 108th generation Devil Hunter!" Rei shouted as her snake-ring
began to glow. She flipped in the air as her clothes shredded and
reformed into a red dress with a yin-yang symbol on the front. She
posed with the sword she now held and stated, "Sailor Devil Hunter!"
"Honey Flash!" Minako shouted as her clothes ripped away and reformed,
though differently from Rei's, to leave her clad in a red S&M queen
outfit, complete with high heeled boots and whip. "Sailor Honey!"
"Darling!" Makoto shouted. There was a flash of lightning and now she
stood wearing a black and yellow tiger-striped bikini, complete with
long boots. Her hair had turned green and two horns now stood out on
her head. "Sailor Oni, d'cha!"
Usagi thought about never seeming to have enough to eat or time to play
games, school, Rei yelling at her, Kaji probably off somewhere with that
witch Misato . . . "Aarrgghh!" she yelled as her body began to emit a
golden light and her hair got all spikey. Her clothes had suddenly been
replaced with a tight-fitting orange gi with the symbol for 'bunny' on
the back. "Sailor Saiyajin!"
***
"How . . . Forget it, I don't care anymore," Oscir told the sibling
godlings as he tried to follow Misato's suggestion and looked for
something to drink. "At least it can't get any worse."
Rick and Rack only grinned in reply. Their teeth were perfect.
***
The Sailor Clones, also known as the Neon Senshi, flew off in pursuit of
their target. Most of them did anyway. Sailor Saiyajin tried to
follow, but had the tendency to lose her concentration at the most
inappropriate times. "Wow, what a cute bird!" she said and proceeded to
drop like a stone.
"Godzilla this time?" Sailor Devil Hunter said in irritation to no one
in particular.
"Better than that giant naked Misato last time," Makoto commented.
"Every male in Tokyo-3 passed out from nosebleeds, except Commander
Ikari and Ranma for some reason."
"I don't know," Sailor Honey added with a grin. "I sort of liked it."
The other senshi began to edge away form their whip-wielding compatriot.
***
"What's going on now?!"
"It was decided that a random person in Tokyo-3's mind would be scanned
. . ."
". . . and the Angel be based on what they think most about."
"So let me get this straight," Oscir asked the both of them, "If a
random citizen was thinking of Megumi Hayashibara, Megumi Hayashibara
would come and destroy Tokyo-3?"
Rick and Rack nodded.
"You don't care who you steal from, do you?"
Rick and Rack only smiled.
***
"Dark Mist!" Sailor Iczer shouted as a black beam shot out of one of
her arm-mounted guns, covering the Angel in darkness.
Sailor Devil Hunter pointed her sword at the cloud and yelled, "Fire
Ball!" A ball of fire emerged from its tip and hit something in the
cloud with an explosive sound.
"Digger Volt, d'cha!" Sailor Oni exclaimed as bolts of lightning flew
from her fingertips to strike something hidden by Sailor Iczer's fog.
The Neon Senshi held their breath as the fog began to dissipate,
revealing nothing but a building they had damaged and a giant hole in
the ground.
"Where did that monster go?" Sailor Saiyajin asked as she had finally
caught up with her fellow senshi.
Sailor Iczer tapped something on her wrist computer. "It's right behind
me," she told them in a monotone.
With a sudden roar and a blast of atomic fire, Godzilla emerged from the
building it was hiding in and reduced Sailor Iczer to ash.
"It killed Ami!" Sailor Saiyajin shouted in alarm.
Sailor Devil Hunter shrugged, "So what? There are plenty more of her
where she came from."
***
"Huh?" Oscir said before he could stop himself.
"True all them . . . They clones with many spare bodies . . . Each die
few times already . . . Ami die a lot . . . lab accidents . . . Ranma
have no spares . . . Make him very nervous."
***
"It's so powerful, how can we beat it?" Sailor Saiyajin whined.
"No problem," Sailor Honey told her. "You've just got to show that big
lizard who's master."
"Balus Rod!" she yelled as her whip began to grow several meters long as
it glowed with white light. She cracked the whip and wrapped it around
the leg of the surprised king of monsters. With a flick of her wrist,
the creature was airborne.
"Down boy, down!" Sailor Honey shouted and slammed Godzilla into the
street, crushing several cars in the process.
Godzilla tried to retaliate with atomic fire, but this time they were
ready for him. "Flare Arrow!" Sailor Devil Hunter declared. The two
fire attacks struck each other and were canceled out.
"Demonic Crystal!" the new Sailor Iczer, having just arrived, shouted.
Crystals shot out of the ground and slammed into the back of the giant
lizard, sharp enough to puncture even his thick hide.
Sailor Honey threw down her whip and held her hands out in front of her.
"Elemkia Lance!" she shouted as a spear of light flew from her palms to
embed itself in Godzilla's chest, impaling him to the ground.
Sailor Oni raised her eyes to the heavens and called out, "Arc Bass,
d'cha!" It started to rain fish, which Godzilla promptly ate. Her
fellow senshi turned to stare at their horned companion, who rubbed the
back of her head in embarrassment. "Wrong phrase, d'cha."
She decided to try again. "Arc Brass, d'cha!" Sailor Oni yelled as
lightning rained down from the sky, dozens of bolts that struck the
still struggling monster.
A mew pokemon with a crescent moon shape on its head suddenly appeared
and said, "Now, Sailor Saiyajin."
Sailor Saiyajin nodded to the cat-like creature and began to chant:
"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows; buried in the
flow of time; in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! Those who
oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGON
SLAVE!!"
Godzilla held it's puny hands in front of it's face in a comic attempt
to ward off the attack, saying "Stage Outo!" before being reduced to
atomic particles, along with most of the surrounding city block.
***
Oscir, cowering in a corner with hands over his eyes, asked, "Is it over
yet?"
"Almost," Rick and Rack replied.
***
While the Neon Senshi were battling Godzilla above, Gendo Ikari was in a
secret lab in the depths of the Geo-Front. While it was all well and
good to use the clones Lorenz had provided to defend the world, Gendo
would need to create a clone of his own to bring about the 3rd Impact he
wanted. It had taken him years of work, but he knew that combining the
DNA of all the other clones, including Ranma, would produce the ultimate
clone. Today was the day that all of his work would finally pay off.
"Yui," he said mostly to himself as he stared into the clone vat.
"We'll be together again soon."
The fight was over. Construction crews had already begun the momentous
task of rebuilding the city, even though they knew it would only get
wrecked again. The senshi were impatiently waiting for Commander Ikari
for their debriefing, each wanting to cash in the promises that Ranma
had made to them.
Commander Ikari suddenly walked out of shadow at the command console.
There was a smaller figure next to him that still hung back in the
darkness.
"You have done well in once again defending the world against the
Angels," Gendo told them. "But since we know the Angels will only
become stronger from now on, I've decided that you require a new member
of your team. I present to you, Sailor Kawaii."
With a gesture, the figure beside him stepped forward to reveal that it
was a little girl with bright red hair done up with what looked to be
hearts. She smiled cutely at them, tilted her cute little head, and
said in a cute voice, "Chibi chibi!"
The senshi groaned. Usagi said, "Well, at least it's better than Chibi-
Usa."
"I heard that!" shouted a little pink-haired girl with triangular
markings on her face that emerged out of Maya's coffee cup. "Bampei,
357 magnum."
In a puff of colored smoke, the robot, who had appeared just as suddenly
as its master, changed into a large handgun. Usagi was soon running for
her life from the marksmanship of Sailor Goddess.
Unfortunately, Maya's coffee happened to spill onto Ranko. Soon Ranma
was running for his life from four needy senshi.
Chibi-chibi looked around at all the commotion around her and queried
the figure next to her, "Chibi?"
"Mew," the mew replied solemnly.
"ARGH, CCAATT!!"
***
Submission #2
Oscir rolled his eyes and led the God to the pool. "Cast your
stone in here."
"Aren't you going to even look?"
Oscir gave the God of Nabiki Fanboydom #562 a look. "No, not
really." All the changes ended up the same anyway.
The God of Nabiki Fanboydom #562 waited until Oscir was out of
sight before he started giggling madly. He'll show them. He'll show
them all for kicking him out of the continuum.
---
John Johnson looked at the monitors lazily. Nothing seemed to be
happening. America had beat the crap out of every nation in the world,
Canada twice, and there was just no challenge worthy of the most ass
kicking country in the world. After showing how brutally cool they were
to the world the military asked for devices that could help them send
and receive messages into outerspace.
So, that they might make relations with aliens and then kill them.
The equipment Johnson was looking at could tell him if the smallest
chunk of rock had entered their solar system. Nothing could escape its
electronic eye.
*BEEP*
Johnson looked at the monitor and couldn't believe what he was
seeing. It was huge, almost as big as Jupiter and it was heading right
for Earth.
Johnson yelled to his superior, "Sir, you gotta see this!"
A tall grey haired man with tons of medals on his outfit ran over
to Johnson and upon looking at the scream said, "Oh, no..."
"What in God's name is that?" Johnson asked.
The grey haired man looked Johnson straight in the eye and
said, "Exactly."
Judgement Day 2000
Two huge hands stretched out across the world and all was covered
in darkness. A booming voice shouted across the globe so that all
creatures could hear its call, "I AM GOD!!! THE TIME OF JUDGEMENT HAS
COME!!! ALL THOSE WORTHY SHALL SIT BESIDE ME WHILE ALL THOSE UNWORTHY
SHALL BE CAST INTO HELL!!!"
God looked the world over for a second.
"NO ONE IS WORTHY!!!"
---
The President of the United States looked out the window and said,
"This is bad! We've gotta send the military against him!"
"Sir, I think that it would be a bad idea," his chief of staff
said.
"Why's that?" The President said.
"People tend to side with God more often than you," he replied.
The President growled out, "Knew I should have taken out the 'One
nation under god' part. Okay, then get me the specialist."
The Chief of Staff took a step back and said, "You don't mean...?"
"Yes," the President said grimly, "Nabiki Tendo."
---
God took out a sheet of paper and began to read from his notes
to the world.
"WHEN YOU ENTER HELL BE SURE TO BRING YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CARD.
IT BECOMES RATHER MESSY OTHERWISE. ALSO YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER
TAKING OFF YOUR SKIN. THAT WILL JUST BURN UP IN THE FIRES OF HELL-"
"How about we don't get ready for any of that?"
God looked down at the voice that had challenged him. It was a
small Japanese girl.
"YOU WOULD DARE OPPOSE GOD?!" he shouted at her knocking her down.
"Why not? After all you don't exist!" she shouted although her
effect didn't knock anyone down.
"WHAT?!" He asked incredulously.
"You don't exist. Let me explain. You come to earth just as we are
to approach the year 2000, right?"
"YES."
"You did this as a means to show that Christ was in fact that
savior of mankind, right?"
"YES."
"But wasn't Christ born between 4 and 2 B.C.?"
"UH... YES. WHY?"
"Well, wouldn't you have done this earlier than? Unless of course
you felt that more people would be prepared for your coming today. Which
shows that you were trying to accommodate people. And by accommodating
people you have shown that you are not the ruler of all. And if you're
not the ruler of all than you are not God. Therefore you don't exist,"
she finished with a devilish smirk.
"WHAT?! THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS-"
BING!
God disappeared and there was much cheering the world over. Kasumi
walked up to Nabiki and smiled at her. "You saved the world, Onee-chan.
I have just one question."
Nabiki blinked and asked, "What's that?"
Kasumi said, "By proving that God doesn't exist haven't you proven
that nothing exists? After all if there was no creator how can it
exist?"
"Kasumi! No-"
BING!
---
Submission #3
Oscir looked into the pool. It was starting to clear. "Can't
have that." Without another though, Oscir raised a leg and answered
nature's call, totally forgetting about how the pool might be disturbed
in the process and thereby changing the destiny of an entire universe.
* * * * *
Wild Horse Plunges Down the Way to Heaven
Or Horse in the Clouds
Or Ride 'em Girl
Or etc...
By
Donny Cheng
Genma sighed. Nodoka was getting impatient with results of his
training. The boy was as manly as can be, but Genma had no way of
proving it without going back home and show her. While he tried to
think of a means of coming up with evidence that would appease his
excessively honorable wife, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned
and placed half of his attention on the seedy looking bartender and half
on his problem at hand. "What do you want?"
"I was wondering when your bar tab will be paid. I know I
promised a week, but...."
"But it isn't time yet, right? You'll get it when the due date
comes...."
"Oh, pardon me. I wasn't insinuating that you won't have the
money. I just thought you might be a little strapped for cash. I mean
a grown man traveling with a boy all over the place. I thought you
might be interested in a little business opportunity. I couldn't help
but look at that postcard you left on the counter when you went to the
bathroom."
Genma frowned. "Oh?"
"Well I have the perfect solution. One that will solve your cash
flow problems and prove to your wife of your son's manliness."
*Could it be an arena battle?* Genma wondered. Almost every
underground fight ring in Japan had heard of his son and none would let
him enter anymore. Though part of it was his fault as he always scoped
out the competition before signing any fights. "Sure, I'm interested.
Tell me what you have."
"Tell me, Genma-san. Have you ever thought of a career in movies
for your son? He appears to be an extremely 'adaptable' boy." His
client's shocked face didn't deter him at all as he barged on ahead.
"Your son is over thirteen, right?" The market was jammed with films
depicting the ever popular school girl. Films with young boys were a
smaller market, but there was less competition and therefore an easier
chance to corner the market. And that Saotome boy seemed to be just
what he was looking for.
* * * * *
Oscir stared in fascination as the pool colored. It briefly
wondered what would have happened if nature had called louder.
* * * * *
Two years later...
"This is the place?" Ranma asked the guide as she poured hot water
over her head, turning back into a 'he'.
"Yes, honored customer. This is Joketsuzoku. I must warn you
again, the females are fierce warriors. Surely there must be an easier
way to gain a wife."
"Feh. I could walk into any place on the planet and I'd get a
girl. I've developed a taste for violent boy haters. Right, Pops?"
Genma rolled his eyes as he lugged the camera equipment with him.
The money from the films Ranma had starred in had helped give the boy a
healthier diet. Combined with the Saotome extreme training regimen, the
boy was the perfect specimen of manliness. He looked anywhere from
eighteen to his early twenties instead of the sixteen year old boy he
really was. And then there was the sex. Two years of it had given
Ranma an ego unlike Genma had ever seen before. "Whatever. Make sure
you remember to tread carefully around the amazon laws. We don't want
any small print in the laws getting in our way."
"I got it covered," Ranma grinned.
* * * * *
"You want to what?" Cologne asked, her eyes indicating how
suspicious she was. She could tell the boy was skilled just from the
way he moved and probably stood a chance to beat Shampoo. But to _ask_
for permission to take on more of the amazons was just foolhardy.
However, it would increase the odds in the amazons' favor. His greed
would be the end of him.
"Very well, go ahead. It is your own fate and never let it be
said we do not honor the dead's wishes," she smirked. It was really a
waste of a fine young man though. It wasn't like strong marriageable
men were growing on trees in these parts. *If he does well enough, I'll
see if I can work in some loop hole to let him live*
She turned to the gathered crowd. They waited for her
pronouncement of the boy that had strode into the village and promptly
took Shampoo's prize. Rather than fight, the boy asked to talk with the
elders first. Many of them had never seen such an audacious man in
their entire lives. "" Polygamy was not unheard of in amazon
society but it usually involved an amazon having many husbands and not
the other way around unless an she was unable to bear child.
Her suspicions were apparently not unfounded as the boy lured
sixteen of this year's contestants, which he had personally challenged,
to him. It was amazing to watch one so young move with such grace as he
swiveled and swerved through all of their attacks and led them to the
log arena. Then with a sudden move, when all of them were on the log,
he sliced the ropes holding the platform. It ended up with all sixteen
girls on the ground and the boy grinning from ear to ear holding onto
the ropes. It had taken less than a minute. Despite the obvious
gelding, Cologne could not help but admire just how well the boy flowed.
He was easily one of the best she had ever seen.
She sighed, however, when she saw the boy start to place camera
equipment in to the largest hut. The hut that was to be his bridal
chamber. She just hoped that they used their technology to mask the
faces of her young nubile charges. Rules were rules and she would no
doubt hear an earful when the council of elders convened. Though she
couldn't help but grin a little when she thought of how many strong
children may be born because of that boy. True, it would take a few
generations to fully benefit because of problems with inbreeding.
However, it was still a nice thought of the future generations almost
ensured of superior genes.
* * * * *
Ranma smiled as he held... Shampoo, that was her name. She was
easily the best of the sixteen as it was nearly dawn and she was the
only one still awake. In fact, she could feel her tugging at him again.
*Ah well, a star's job is never done. Now, I wonder how I'm going to
explain to them, especially Shampoo, that we need to leave China, for
awhile at least, and that she'll have more 'sisters'.*
* * * * *
Soun blinked. "These are all yours?"
"Yes, but only by Joketsuzoku law. My relationship to them has no
bearing on Japanese law."
Soun let out a wide grin. "I like the way you think. Good, as
long as one of my daughters is married to you, I'm happy. The joining
of the two schools is finally a reality."
"Uh, one?" Ranma asked innocently, as he mentally undressed the
three girls looking back at him.
* * * * *
Akane struck again and again she met nothing about air. The boy
was fast. It was increasingly hard to keep up her anger at being
deceived as match wore on. She was becoming too tired to be angry.
Never had she had a match that took over a half hour to complete. *To
think I tried to make friends with her... him and the rest of his
harem.* Well it wasn't exactly correct that she was deceived. She had
walked in on Ranma because she thought it would be okay with the both of
them being girls. The girl did try to explain about needing hot water
when she arrived and thus the quick bath. And it was her who picked a
fight afterwards when her father declared the Tendo and Saotome
engagement.
"Are you tired yet, Akane-san?" Ranma asked, backing off.
"No!" Akane yelled, but also backed off to gather her breath. *Is
he doing this one purpose?* She got a few clean hits on the guy, but
every time she did, he countered with a feather light caress on some
part of her body. Parts that would be best left unmentioned. "Fight
fair!"
"I don't want to hurt you. But, you're the one that wanted to
fight. So, I'll just have to make you give up other ways," Ranma said,
shrugging his shoulders.
*He _is_ doing this on purpose!* Akane thought angrily. Her head
flushed with heat as she looked at his eyes. The way he was staring at
her heaving chest left no doubt that he was interested in her in that
way just like all the other jerks at school. She mustered up the last
of her energy for another strike trying to use the emerging anger to
bolster her. Without further thought she launched herself at him.
* * * * *
Akane breathed heavily. She could feel the stares of the amazon
audience looking at her. She grunted and tried to push again. "Okay,
okay, I lose. You can get off of me, pervert!"
"As you command," Ranma said extravagantly, letting go of the
girl's wrists. His skill was such that he managed to cop a good long
feel as he did so with no one the wiser, except the girl in front of
him. "You plan to keep your word? I didn't really expect you to keep
your end of the bargain of such a deal. I mean the amazons are known
for their honor and...."
"Yes, I do," Akane said through ragged breaths. She wasn't sure
if it was from sheer exhaustion or the way Ranma had touched her. Never
before in her life had she felt so _violated_. None of the boys at
school had ever laid a hand on her despite all their attempts. Yet this
boy in the span of their half hour match had touched her _there_ and
_there_ over a dozen times. And he was better at it then when she did
it herself in the privacy of her own room. "The match was 'amazon
rules' as you called it. I accept the engagement. I," Akane choked,
"am your wife."
"Hey, I mean it. I don't force any girl to be with me. I'm sure
I'd be happy, not as happy, but happy with just your two sisters to
choose from."
Akane could tell Ranma did not obviously mean it by the way he had
touched her during the fight. He said it had been only a way to make
her give up since he didn't want to hit her directly, but his leering
during the fight gave him away. Yet, he sounded sincere and there were
sixteen witnesses watching her. From the way they looked at her, she
could tell they would have no problem if she decided she took up Ranma's
offer. "I don't have any plans on marrying you, but I guess the
engagement is on whether I like it or not. I have no objections. Not
like it'll be me out of Nabiki or Kasumi that will marry you."
"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that," Ranma said smilingly. "I
knew I would like you the moment you smiled at me in my cursed form.
You're cute when you smile."
Akane was a bit taken aback by the lack of leering that followed
up that statement. He looked like he actually meant it. "Whatever,"
she growled and stomped off in anger but had no idea what she was angry
at or why she was so flustered.
* * * * *
Oscir blinked. "Isn't this where she's supposed to maim him or at
least beat him up with a hammer like in most of the other universes?
Oh, I see. Ranma used a special amazon technique to lessen her wrath.
Amazing what a deft skill at pinching an angry woman's bottom could do."
It winced as it saw what was coming up. Character development.
"I'll skim the rest."
* * * * *
"Well equipped are you?"
"I like to carry around a few extra pounds... of stuff. You like
that pop sickle?"
"Yep. Cream filled. My favorite. You?"
"I prefer chocolate nubs. The feel of it around my tongue as it
melts and the milky taste explodes."
"So, stock options did you say?"
"Yep, interested in becoming my manager?"
"I'll think about it."
* * * * *
"You want my autograph?" Ranma asked incredulously.
"Yes, I have all your films. I've always been a great admirer of
your work."
Ranma couldn't believe it. It was true. He was stunned as he
watched a cart of tapes roll out and the large garish letters on the
side of the tapes came into view. 'Wild Horse Rides Again', 'Wild
Horse, Ridden Hard', 'Wild Horse Bucks up a Storm', and so on.
"Kasumi!?"
"Yes?" she asked with an unassuming smile.
* * * * *
"Kasumi, I need someone to help me study my lines. But everyone
is out of the house."
Kasumi blinked. This was unexpected. Despite how much she tried,
Ranma couldn't seem to be 'enthusiastic' around her as he was with all
the other girls. She apparently reminded him of his mother too much.
Well she wasn't about to ignore gift horse in the mouth. She smiled
wickedly at that last thought. "Okay."
"Uh, this scene doesn't have any sex...," Ranma tried to put in,
but his mind went into overload as Kasumi started to undress.
* * * * *
"I love you Pop."
"Stop that," Genma said. Rather than get angry. Ranma seemed to
like the idea of another fiancée. Still, an idea for a new film formed
in his mind. That girl sure dresses up as a boy very well.
* * * * *
Submission #4
Oscir looked the god up and down. "Who did you say you were
again?"
"Well, the author was going to make up some name for me, and
say I was Apollo's less-talented cousin, and then make some more
obscure musical jokes that no one would get, but then he just
decided to get right into the idea."
"Isn't this breaking the fourth wall?"
"At this point, does anyone really care?"
There was a silence comparable only to that of the audience
listening to the world premiere of John Cage's 4'33".
"I thought you said he wasn't going to make obscure musical
jokes."
"Maybe just a few. What's the difference between a viola
and a trampoline?"
"I don't know."
"You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline."
"Can we just start the idea?"
"I guess."
"This is the part where you give your spiel, by the way."
"Oh, sorry. Umm... well, err, one of the big trends in the
composition of twentieth-century music is minimalism, which,
err... hey! Look over there!"
"What!"
The unnamed god made his escape, quite unlike Don Giovanni's
inability to escape his fate at the end of Mozart's eponymous
opera.
--Phillip Glass's Ranma 1/2--
A textual fanfic symphony for prepared word processor and 3-D
glasses, after Rumiko Takahashi. Performed by Alan Harnum (solo
word processor) and the Ensemble Harnum. Cadenzas by Mr. Harnum.
I.
"At last, Ranma is coming! Oh, how I've waited for this day!"
"Day this for waited I've how, oh! Coming is Ranma, last at!"
"At last, Ranma is coming! Oh, how I've waited for this day!"
"Day this for waited I've how, oh! Coming is Ranma, last at!"
"At last, Ranma is coming! Oh, how I've waited for this day!"
"Day this for waited I've how, oh! Coming is Ranma, last at!"
"At
last, Ranma
is coming! Oh how
I've waited for this day!
Day this for waited I've
how, oh! Coming is
Ranma, last
at!"
II.
A girl and a panda, running through the rain. A girl and a panda,
running through the rain. A girl and a panda, running through the
rain. A girl and a panda, running through the rain.
A... girl... and... a... panda... running... through... the...
rain... A... girl... and... a... panda... running... through...
the... rain... A... girl... and... a... panda... running...
through... the... rain...
A girl and a panda, running through the rain. A girl and a panda,
running through the rain. A girl and a panda, running through the
rain. A girl and a panda, running through the rain.
A... girl... and... a... panda... running... through... the...
rain... A... girl... and... a... panda... running... through...
the... rain... A... girl... and... a... panda... running...
through... the... rain...
A.
Girl.
And.
A.
Panda.
running
through
the
rain
A.
Girl.
And.
A.
Panda.
running
through
the
rain
III.
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
IV.
In the bath, a naked boy, in the doorway, a naked girl.
Naked, naked, naked.
Boy, girl, boy, girl.
Naked...
Naked...
Naked...
Naked...
Boygirlboygirl.
In!
The!
Bath!
A naked boy?
In!
The!
Doorway!
A naked girl?
(etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...)
* * * * *
Submission #5
Oscir, Feline God of Really Crappy Fanfiction, was waiting in his
lair, when suddenly, in a plot-device the universe conveniently forgot
to explain, The Author appeared. A small puff and a cloud of smoke
accompanied him, as did the slight smell of ozone; it is, after all,
customary for such to be the case.
"Hey, wait a minute," Oscir complained, "you're not a god of
something! What are you doing here?"
The Author snorted. "No matter what you say, it's always the author
that writes the story anyway, and I'm not going to let some lousy god" -
he spat out the word - "or other supernatural entity get credit for *my*
work. I, The Author, created this."
"Whatever." Oscir smiled warmly - quite a scary experience to anyone
who witnessed it. "I'm just glad to have some company."
His visitor frowned. "Let's get down to business, shall we? My idea
was to start right at the very beginning; the conception, if you
wish..."
* * *
Nodoka Taka... No, Nodoka Saotome smiled huskily at her (newly
acquired) husband, as he...
* * *
"Eww, eww!" Oscir waved his arms wildly, as if to defend from
something. "Take it away! That's positively *disgusting*!"
"Huh?" The Author said, confused. "I didn't think *you* of all
people... err, let me rephrase that. I didn't think *you* of all beings
would have a problem with..."
"But they're perfectly *normal*!" the god protested. "They're even
doing it the most normal way imaginable! I can't stand to watch this!"
His guest heaved a sigh. "I guess I'll have to skip ahead, then. Truth
to tell, lemons aren't my style anyway. Now, the point is that just
moments after the, well, seeds combine to form what will eventually
become their son Ranma, a tiny microscopic little radioactive particle
hits the beginning embryo, changing one single little teensy unimportant
bit of DNA. Nine months later, Nodoka gives birth to a perfectly healthy
son, with flaming red hair. It strikes them as odd, but Genma can't
remember a time when he wasn't bald so he guesses maybe his might've
been red or something. Thus, Ranma grows up - the usual story, Genma
takes him on a training trip after promising to make him man or else,
and so on."
Oscir grinned. "Let me guess - thanks to that mutation, Ranma now has
some sort of super mutant powers, which don't surface until after the
visit to Jusenkyo?"
The Author stared at him, surprised. "Super mutant powers? Lord
heavens, no. Didn't I already say it only changed the itty-bitty little
gene that controlled his hair color?" He shrugged. "Anyway, since you
said Jusenkyo, let's fast-forward a bit until the action begins."
* * *
Most middle-aged men would just look silly with a scarf tied over
their (bald) head, but it had a slightly different effect on this one.
The dark blue scarf, with three white lines running across its length,
complimented his black gi-like clothes well, and the black patch that
covered the hideous remains of what had one been his right eye gave him
a definitely grim appearance. With the addition of a katana in a finely
ornamented hilt slung across his back, anyone could tell that Genma
Saotome was a person you'd probably better not mess with.
He pushed his sixteen-year-old son ahead of him; a strapping young
man-to-be; he looked quite a bit more cheerful, perhaps because his
white gi made a sharp contrast to that of his father. A pigtail hung
from his back, neatly tied up, and he walked ahead with the brisk,
unhesitant steps of youth.
"Here we are, Son," Genma said, as the two looked out over the place
where they had arrived - truly an impressive sight; a valley, lined by
steep mountain hills, filled with a multitude small pools of water.
Bamboo poles had been erected from each of the springs, and those poles
were the reason the two had come.
"The training legendary training grounds of Jusenkyo, eh, Pop? Nice
place, but I can't see what's so good about it as to be legendary."
"You will understand, Son. Now, unless I'm mistaken, the man over
there running towards us wildly spouting some nonsense Chinese must be
the guide."
"Odd dialect."
"Indeed." The father nodded solemnly. "Remember that the valley of
Jusenkyo have been hidden from outside contact, sheltered by the mist of
time until... Hey!" The last exclamation came as the son jumped onto one
of the nearby poles; the father immediately followed suit.
"Pfeh chibalakala parnafgthrl y'zzri!" the enraged guide shouted at
the pair has he ran towards them, waving his hands about in a seemingly
random fashion. With the black-army like uniform he wore, and the wide
mantle whose hooded cape covered his features, the guide definitely did
not seem like your average Chinese tourist guide.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Ranma told him assuringly, holding up a hand
to signal that he need not worry, these two were trained professionals.
"C'mon, old man, let's begin."
As the two jumped each other, they failed to notice the guide
chuckling evilly to himself. "Nv'grr tseth azapokh!" he whispered to the
world at large, giving a knowing smirk.
Even an experienced streetfighter would have weeped in joy upon seeing
the battle between father and soon. They flew back and forth through the
air, almost too fast for the eye too see, exchanging a flurry of furious
blows and kicks on each pass. Finally, Ranma got the upper hand, and an
impressive kick struck the Saotome father right in the face, making the
man lose his balance and fall into spring below.
A splash sounded as he hit the water, then silence reigned for a few
moments as ripples spread across the surface. Just as Ranma was about to
lose hope, a large shape burst out of the water, growling madly.
The panda landed just beside the spring, gesturing towards the boy
with his paws and bending his mouth oddly as he growled, as if trying to
tell Ranma something. It was then that the boy realized... the eyepatch,
the eyepatch still remained - this was no true animal, but rather his
father, transformed by some malevolent magic.
Ranma did what any brave young boy would have done at that point - he
broke down laughing, barely managing to stay balanced on the pole.
In that situation, it took them both more than a little by surprise
when the guide snaked up behind the panda, holding a long, wavy knife-
blade against its fat throat. "You have violated the sacred springs of
Jusenkyo," the short man wheezed in heavily accented Japanese, his voice
as dry as the sound of stepping on leaves left behind for a few months
in your average desert. Ranma could barely see a pair of eyes - if eyes
they were - shine like red lights somewhere within the shadow the hood
cast.
Seeing that he had their attention, the guide grinned (the grin was
kinda lost on the pair, since the hood hid it; nevertheless, he grinned)
evilly. "Now pay the price, foolish intruders!"
With those words, he slit the knife along the panda's throat, and
knocked the animal forward, letting it fall to the ground vainly trying
to stop the gushing blood with its paws. It hacked and wheezed for a few
seconds, and then it was over.
"Pop!" Ranma stared in shock, not believing what had happened. "Pop...
He's... dead..." The boy sunk to his knees, clutching his face in his
arms, as tears streamed from his eyes. This, predictable, caused him to
lose his balance, and he fell into the spring below.
* * *
"Ah, I get it!" Oscir observed, fancying himself clever. "This is
where he turns to female, and the change unlocks his hidden super mutant
powers, right?"
The Author sighed. "What is it with you and these super mutant powers?
He doesn't *have* any!"
The god scratched his head in confusion. "Then what's the change here?
I don't really get it."
"Look," his visitor told him wearily, "I told you already, Ranma now
has red hair. The male version, that is. Oh, if you're wondering, I
didn't really see any need to point it out in the description, since
that would just be repeating information you already know."
"So, what happens now?"
"Well, first of course Ranma kicks the guide's ass with his customary
martial arts skills. On his own, lost in the jungle, he stumbles into
the amazon village. He defeats Shampoo, but a random splash of water
turns her into a cat, and..."
"Umm, excuse me." Oscir tentatively held up a hand. "Shampoo doesn't
turn into a cat yet, does she? I mean, I'd love to see as many cats in
the story as possible, but she really isn't cursed until later, as
punishment for her failure to..."
"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" The Author shouted, exasperated. "As I was saying,
a random splash of water turns her into a cat, and Ranma has to run for
his life, chased through the deadly jungle by a squad of elite amazon
assassins, armed with rayguns left behind in the amazon village by the
UFO that landed there a couple of hundred years ago. He finally manages
to find a top-secret Chinese airbase, where he steals a fighter jet and
makes his escape to Japan, remembering how his father's last words had
been something vague about a Tendo Dojo."
"Last words?"
"Well, he scribbled them on a sign in his own blood or something, I
guess. Look, I really am busy, we can't go into detail all the time.
Anyway, by a stroke of luck, Ranma manages to locate the Tendo family
home, and he crashlands the plane through the Dojo roof, surviving the
fiery wreck by a hairswidth. At this point, I think we should take a
closer look at what happens...
* * *
The pig-tailed martial artist crawled out of the fiery wreck of what
had once been, respectively, a dojo and a fighter jet. Barely alive,
with blood pouring from numerous wide-open wounds across his body and
numerous horrid burns clearly visibly beneath the tattered remains of
his clothes, he yet walked on with iron determination and will, the
flames all around accentuating the fires in his eyes as he marched
forwards with slow, heavy steps, his arms hanging limp towards the
ground. A trail of blood stretched out behind him, marking the perfectly
straight path he had walked.
Just as he reached the front steps to the actual house, the boy
finally ran out of energy and adrenaline, and he collapsed into a
lifeless heap.
* * *
Ranma slowly blinked his eyes open, staring up into an unfamiliar
ceiling. He traced his hands across his chest, feeling the cloth of a
multitude of bandages covering his various wounds. Yes, he'd been so
badly hurt... yet, he lived. Whomever had tended to him obviously had to
have been an expert healer.
With no idea of how many days had passed - probably a lot of them,
considering how much better he already felt - he slowly rose to his
feet. Certainly, the boy felt weary, not at all in top condition, yet he
realized he'd mostly healed, no broken bones or remaining deep wounds
bothering him, and he could pretty much move freely without risking
aggravating his condition.
A set of clothes - looked like some boy's highschool uniform, black
and strict, but for the moment better than going naked - lay folded
beside him, and as soon as he had put them on, he slid the door open.
On the other side, a family - his rescuers, obviously - sat gathered
around a table. Three young girls, the fact that each was just slightly
taller than the other making Ranma guess that they were sisters, and a
tall, mustached man with long, black hair; presumably the father.
Though he could not be accused of over-politeness, there was a limit
even to Ranma's rudeness, and he immediately fell to his knees, bowing
deeply. "Thank you for saving my life," he said. "I am forever in your
debt."
This said, he rose, and walked up, sitting down at the table in the
open space left between the man and the youngest of the girls (who
seemed to be about his own age).
The man smiled at him. A wide smile, yet one that could not be called
either warm or friendly; it somehow made the boy uneasy.
"So, you're awake at last," he said. "You must be Ranma Saotome,
right?"
Ranma nodded. "Yes, how... hm. Is this perhaps the Tendou family? Did
I really get here?"
"That's right," the man said. "My name is Souun Tendou. Now, let's get
right down to business." An unhealthy, cold, blue fire burned in the
Tendou father's eyes. "We've nursed you back to health so far, but you
still have a ways to go, not to mention the fact that you have nowhere
to turn in the world, no money, no job, no nothing. We'd be delighted to
keep helping you, but I think first you have to promise to do something
for me."
"Do something?" Ranma looked confused. "Of course I will, you just
saved my life." He bowed again. "I'd do anything, nothing would be great
enough to repay the debt I owe you."
Again, Souun smiled that disturbing smile. "Good, good. Please,
daughters, leave while I discuss this with Ranma alone."
Dutifully, the three scattered from the room, and their father could
speak on. "Now, then, Ranma. First, you must marry one of my
daughters..."
"Marry?" Ranma looked worried. "I... Well, if you say I must, then I
will, Mr. Tendou."
"...then, together, you will give your souls to the dark side, and
help us in our strive to reawaken our Master." Ranma could somehow feel
the capital M in Master, and though he did not know why, a chill ran
down his spine, giving him a very ominous feeling. "Your father may have
brought you up for sacrifice, but I've come to realize that a fine young
man like you can be useful for so much more. If he's raised you to a
proper fighter, you can be of much help in our next strike against the
other Family. Tell me, you do know how to fire a gun, don't you?"
* * *
Ranma tiptoed out of the room carefully. Just what was he to think of
what he'd just heard? Was the Tendou father just trying to kid him? He
had to be, *all* those insanities couldn't be true - yet the man seemed
to be completely honest, and something about him, an aura, scared the
shit out of Ranma.
He stepped outside for a bit to clear his mind, and as he slid open
the door to the back garden, he found somebody already there. The
youngest daughter, standing silently staring off into space.
"Uh, hello there, um..." the boy ventured nervously, not quite sure
what to say.
The girl fixed her stare on him. "Akane," she said coldly. "I don't
like you."
Ranma put his hand behind his head. "Have I offended you? I'll leave
right away, I'm so sorry for having disturbed you."
Akane formed her mouth into a twisted grin. "You don't seem to get it,
do you. I just don't like you. There's no point in trying to apologize."
The boy scratched his head, confused. "Then, what..."
"JUST DIE!" As the girl screamed this out, she pulled a hand out from
inside her jacket, and in it, she held a large, scary-looking gun, its
barrel gleaming briefly in the moonlight, before she pointed it towards
Ranma with an insane, blood-lusting grin. Cackling madly, she pulled the
trigger, and the gun barked, then again, and again, and again.
Innumerable times, bullets flew towards the boy, who'd barely had time
to react and start sprinting towards the wall. Most of them flew wild,
but a few passed dangerously close, causing several scratches to spring
up around his arms and legs, and blood sprayed in fountains around a
body still recovering from the previous accident. Just as Ranma jumped
towards the wall, getting a good grip on its top to heave himself over,
one bit into his stomach, and he coughed up a gout of blood as his feet
touched down on the street on the other side.
Heavily wounded though he was, however, Ranma kept running; he had to.
With no idea of where to go, not sure he would be safe anywhere in the
world, the boy fled blindly into the night, blood already starting to
obscure his vision.
* * *
"So," The Author said proudly, "what do you think so far?"
"..." his host observed.
"Anyway," the visitor continued, "Ranma may think he's escaped from
his trouble, but they've just barely begun. Soon, he'll wish he'd stayed
with the Tendou family and let that uncute, crazy, violent girl have her
way with him, as his uncontrolled flight makes him stumble onto the
wrong street, and he gradually enters Metropolis, the eternal city. Its
twisted inhabitants watch him as he enters their domain without
realizing it, and he errs deeper and deeper into its labyrinth, his soul
and sanity soon far beyond salvation. Eventually, he..."
The Author trailed off, and scratched his chin.
"Eventually, he what?" Oscir asked, impatient. "Finally unravels his
mutant powers? By the way, why didn't that Tendou guy comment on Ranma's
red hair? Or maybe that was what made him appropriate for his nefarious
purposes?"
"What?" The Author looked at him surprised. "Oh, no, not at all. See,
female Ranma runs around with red hair all the time and nobody ever
comments or seems to notice or think anything special of it, so I can't
see any reason why anyone would make a deal out of the actual Ranma
having red hair. It's just a bit of appearance, for god's sake - and we
got *that* description over with in the first scene."
"But... um... isn't this about checking what if Ranma had red hair?"
"Yeah? Your point being?" The Author snorted. "I've had enough of your
rudeness, I'm leaving."
* * *
Submission #6
"I heard that you were collecting stories, and... I, well..."
"You've got something for me?" Oscir asked. The man's face was a
triangle -- flat on top, narrowing towards the bottom into a scrawny
neck. Big ping pong ball eyes looked nervously around the room at
everything except Oscir.
"I-- I just thought that using the latest in technology would help you
produce better results."
Oscir shook his head. "I don't *want* better results. The fics here are
*supposed* to be bad."
"But... but that's what I mean. Here, let me show you." The man set a
case, about the size of a telephone book, onto the table. Two latches on
opposite sides of it unhooked, and the case flipped open to reveal a
display screen and keyboard. "This is my laptop. It's got a Terabyte of
memory, with dimensionally transcendental display, and...." His face
colored with excitement as he spoke.
Oscir stared warily at this unnamed man. Talking about the computer
seemed to... stimulate him. He didn't feel... THAT way... about it, did
he? It was a disgusting thought; Oscir tried to banish it, filling his
mind with a picture of Nuku-Nuku sprawling out over a huge box of kitty
litter.
"Anyway...." Opening a yellow and black book, the man pulled a disc from
the back cover sleeve and inserted it into his computer. "What I'm going
to load is a fanfiction template wizard. It produces a story for you
based on a time-proven formula."
Boxes flew by on the screen, appearing and disappearing as the man
clicked buttons. To Oscir, this made no sense. Where was the wizard? A
wizard was supposed to be an old man with a long beard wearing a pointy
hat and robes covered by moons and stars.
The man turned to Oscir. "It's almost done. I need you to choose the
character who'll be featured in this story."
"A character?" Oscir pondered. "From Ranma 1/2?"
"Yes. Though if you wanted one from somewhere else, we could go back
three screens and check the box to include crossover support, and...."
"No, that's all right." Oscir thought a moment, then leaned over to type
a name on the keyboard. "He he he!"
+++
"That *is* a panda, isn't it?"
Passers-by paused, staring in disbelief at the giant animal. The panda
spat casually, then raised his arms in a proper martial arts stance.
"Your move," Ranma said, readying his defenses. Though his father now
wore a different body, he was still the same stupid old man. And this
engagement thing was his dumbest idea yet. No way was Ranma going to be
forced to marry someone who wasn't the one he wanted.
Air whished as the panda's arm zipped forward with blinding speed. Ranma
ducked and weaved out of the way of the powerful strikes. He wasn't as
strong as a girl, but dodging was easier with the lighter, smaller form.
He hated being a girl, but it did have some advantages.
"Damn it, Pop, you *know* why I can't marry your friend's daughter!"
Ranma grabbed onto the panda's arm and pulled, letting its own momentum
carry it forward. The panda tumbled forward, flattening a "No U Turn"
sign and landing sprawled across the rain-soaked ground.
Ranma turned away from his father, and found himself staring into his
true love's eyes.
Her expression held no disapproval. She smiled at him with the same
friendly, open-mouthed smile that she always used. But he knew, without
her saying anything, that he had just done something wrong. He could
always tell, just by the slightest change in the way she looked at him.
Sighing, Ranma nodded to her. She came over to him, and he felt the wet
touch of her mouth on his cheek. His hand stroked her hair, wet and
slick from the rain. She was right, of course. She was always right. The
day they had met her had been the best day, the luckiest day of his
life. That day, she'd joined them and followed them on their travels,
even going all the way to China with them. Most every time Ranma had
been about to do something stupid, she had stopped him and made him
think twice. If only she had been there in time to stop him from taking
the plunge into the Jusenkyo pool....
"Sorry, Pop." Ranma held out a hand to the panda, who rose to his feet.
"I'll visit your friend."
Yes, he'd go along with it, for now. But when he got there, he'd explain
to Pop's friend why he couldn't get married, because he already loved
someone else.
+++
"Well, I'm just glad you're a *girl.*" Akane tightened the belt on her
gi, looking back at Ranma with an embarrassed smile. "It's just... I'd
really hate to lose to a boy!"
Ranma could think of nothing to say. Smiling vaguely, he turned to go.
So Akane had some wrong ideas. Big deal. Was that his problem?
But what would his true love say?
"Look, Akane... there's something you should know. There's a really good
reason why I can't marry you, or one of your sisters."
Akane turned around, her gaze falling on his breasts. "No duh, Ranma."
"I don't mean because of THAT!" Ranma sighed. "Lemme find Pop and we'll
explain."
+++
A hush fell over the room as all eyes stared at the now-male Ranma and
his now-human father.
Mr. Tendo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "If I hadn't seen it with my own
eyes...." He reached an arm around Ranma's back. "Still, your problem
isn't so bad. You're really a boy, so you can marry one of my daughters.
Choose whichever one you like."
"No!" Ranma shouted. "I told you, I can't! I already got someone I
like!"
"Oh, I think I know who you mean, Ranma," Kasumi said. "She came into
the kitchen a little while ago while I was cooking. I gave her some
food. I didn't know she had one of those curses."
"Huh? What're you talking about?"
"You mean she... she isn't..." Kasumi put a finger to her lip. "Oh my!"
"She isn't cursed, Kasumi," Genma said. "The way you saw her is the way
she's always been. And my son thinks he's in love with her."
Ranma glared at his father. "Whaddaya mean, 'Thinks?!'"
"Now, just a moment," Soun Tendo said in an authoritative head-of-the-
household voice. "Just who is this person, Saotome?"
"I'll introduce her to you, Tendo." Genma raised his voice. "Come here,
girl!"
A white, shaggy dog darted in through the opened door, coming to heel at
Genma's feet.
"Saotome, meet Bess," Genma said. Soun reflexively held out a hand, and
the dog raised one in return.
+++
"Hmmm...." Oscir stared thoughtfully into space, then turned towards his
visitor. "This has possibilities. Does this story have a title?"
The man glanced at his computer screen. "Yes. 'Altered Bess-tiny.'" He
tapped out something on the keyboard. "Here, I'll show you some upcoming
scenes...."
+++
"The Pig-Tailed Girl is really WHO?"
"Woof! Woof!'
"And why did no one inform me of this fact?"
+++
"Woof! Woof woof WOOF!"
"What? This is... oh my gods! You're right! This is *vinegar,* not white
wine! I could've ruined my curry!"
+++
"Miss customer, STOP! That Xiaogouniquan! Very bad you fall in spring!'
"Sorry, sugar. If Ran-chan won't have me as a human being...."
+++
"Aloha, keiki! I wen' pickin' all dese fruits jus' fo'..."
"WOOF WOOF!"
"What? Contaminated by the legendary Aloha virus? How dare the Principal
try to feed us this junk?"
+++
The man pulled his disc out and slipped it back into the book sleeve.
"What do you think?"
"Hmmm... it's interesting, I'll grant you, but I think I prefer coming
up with my fics the old-fashioned way," Oscir said. "Technology is a
good thing, but it shouldn't be used just for its own sake, no? There's
a time and a place for everything, no?"
"All- all right."
The man picked up his computer as Oscir escorted him (rather forcefully)
towards the exit. Good riddance. What sort of fool would want to....
"I won't bother showing you the template wizard for self-insert lemons,
then."
Oscir zipped back to the center of his lair, dragging the man along by
his computer.
+++
Submission #7
Oscir looked at the shadowy figure before it. "You're him aren't you?"
"Yes," the rounded figure, red eyes blazing, hissed softly.
"You're the one that comes from the kami plane."
"Yes," The shadow intoned once more.
"The one who can cause those that are wrapped up in food and thrown into
pits of starving animals to go mad and ultimately be bound to your will,
inflicting all sorts of mischief on the world outside the kami plane."
"Yesss," it hissed.
Oscir held out a paw. "Nice to meet you, Shadowbunny."
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Shadowhare proceeded to kick
Oscir into the ground, like a giant stake. Once Oscir was buried up to
his neck, The Shadowhare spoke once more. "No one may call me by that
ridiculous name! I curse The Shadowcat for spreading those vial rumors!
I spit at his shadowy carcass! He is not worthy to lick my shadowy
droppings! And at least I can say the fic I appeared in is finished!
MUHAHAHAHAHA!"
The bout of evil laughter cheered him up. He looked towards the pool
that Oscir usually used to inflict his changes on the world. What was
The Shadowhare to do? There were so many options. Reverse the Usagi
girl's fate and put her brain in the chassis of the NK-1124, thereby
preventing the spread of ridiculously cute anime cats and promote the
cause of rabbits everywhere? No. Something else. Yes. That was it. He
would affect the distant past in a galaxy far, far away, and help
promote something with a cabbit in it...
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was a good day to be the Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius.
Of course, every day was a good day to be the Universe's Greatest
Scientific Genius, because no matter how bad it got, you were always
smarter than everybody else. And if anybody gave you a hard time, all
you had to do was create some fancy intimidating machine that would put
them in their proper place, molecule by molecule if they were
particularly bothersome. Yes, it was very good to be brilliant indeed.
A soft smile crept across her features as she walked through the
brilliantly lit (everything was brilliant about her ship) corridors of
her spaceship (she had been tempted to go around in a Dysen Sphere, but
the maintenance was such a pain). It appeared that her greatest creation
had been a success, and on the first try too. It was a particularly
proud moment for her. True, she had created many things in her lifetime,
but nothing as important as this.
After all, it wasn't every day one became a mother.
It was only the second time for Washuu, and though it hadn't been as fun
as the way her first child had been created, it still made her want to
beam with joy. There was still the name to decide. Personally, she was
leaning towards either Kasumi, or Akane. Her gofer... err, personal
executive assistant, had come up with one she really didn't like:
Ryouko. There was no way in hell any creation of hers was going to end
up with a name like that. It conjured up images of a lust-driven space
pirate or something.
She had just entered her quarters when she spotted a package on the bed.
It was about one foot wide and tall, and covered in red and green
wrapping paper with a bow tied in the shape of a crab on it.
"What's this?" Washuu spotted a card on top and read it. It was from her
gof... personal executive assistant. "My birthday isn't until next
month." She considered returning the gift to him and explaining the
mistake. "Nah. I like presents. Hehehehe." She ripped off the wrapper in
a flash and opened the top of the box.
*BONK*
The spring-loaded boxing glove shot up and punched Washuu right in the
jaw. As she fell backward and struck the floor, the last thought she has
was of the indignity of how the Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius
had been laid low by a common, cheap gag.
The door to the room made a whooshing sound and Washuu's gof... err,
personal executive assistant entered. Upon seeing his mentor,
unconscious on the floor, he rubbed his hand together with maniacal
glee.
Dr. Forester was a happy camper.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yep. You've seen lots of MST3K reviews before, either with the original
cast or anime substitutes taking the role of Joel, Mike, and the robots.
But never have the cast of MST3K actually been included in the role of a
non-review style fic (at least to my knowledge. And since I haven't seen
it, it cannot exist) Therefore, it's long past time there was another
entry into...
Fusions That Should Never Be
II
(for those that are keeping records)
An Entry into 'The Butt III'
(for those that are keeping records)
You can contact me with plenty of flames and complaints at:
sommer@3rdm.net
Standard disclaimer: Hell, no. I don't own any of the characters.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The first sensation she felt was that of lying on cold metal. More
senses quickly returned and more stimuli followed, allowing Washuu to
achieve full consciousness once more. She sat up, taking in her
surroundings. She was in some kind of chamber, small and brightly lit.
There was a table in front of her with a punch button and three
different colored lights on it. There was some sort of ridiculous
looking door with the number 5 in the middle of it at one side of the
room. The floor was composed of metal -cheap, crappy metal- and there
was a viewscreen in front of her. The whole place had the overall
appearance of being a run-down satellite
Her thoughts turned to the one who had done this to her. What did that
moron Forester think he was doing, knocking her out with that old trick?
Was he angry at her for using him in some of her experiments? It wasn't
as though she had done anything terrible with him, just extracted a few
useful samples that she might use if she wanted to create a biological
monstrosity sometime later on down the line. Nothing to get angry about.
She supposed that ultimately his motivations were irrelevant; what he
had done was just wrong. Being a true scientist, she would be certain to
explain that with examples. There was an experimental hair removal cream
that she needed to test. And then there was the impotence formula she
needed to try out...
The viewscreen towards the front of the room flicked on, breaking her
concentration on all of the 'fun' things she was going to do to him. The
familiar sight of a mustache and thick green glasses stared her straight
in the eyes.
"Well, well, it looks like you've woke up, my little font of
information."
"Forester, you monster! How dare you take advantage of me while I was
unconscious," Washuu growled.
Dr. Forester looked at her in confusion. "I didn't take advantage of
you."
Washuu felt herself over. "Hey! You really didn't. Why didn't you take
advantage of me when I was unconscious? Are you implying I'm
unattractive?"
"No. I'm just not a pedophile. If I was, this would be an SI fic with
Sasami instead of a really bad fusion idea."
"Good point," Washuu conceded.
Dr. Forester tried to bring the conversation back in line. "Anyway,
wouldn't you like to know why I've done what I've done?"
"Not really."
"Aw, c'mon," Dr. Forester whined. "I can't go onto the next stage of my
evil scientist plan if you won't show at least a little curiosity in
it."
Washuu sighed. He was right. Evil mad gof... evil mad scientists that
were formally personal executive assistants did need someone to exhibit
at least a low level of interest in their so-called evil plans. In a
tired voice, she said, "All right. Why have you done this to me?"
Dr. Forester clapped his hands together cheerfully. "Now we're getting
somewhere. Ahem, I allowed myself to be demeaned as your personal
executive assistant in order to knock you out and take over your little
operation."
"You know, if I wanted someone to trick me and take everything over, I'd
have hired Kagato instead of you. Now he had some class, not to mention
he also knew how to make a good cup of coffee. And he could play the
organ too."
"And he could play the organ too," Dr. Forester mocked in a bad parody
of what Washuu had just said. "You've always rubbed my face in that.
It's not my fault my mother made me take xylophone lessons!"
"Every decent evil scientist needs to be able to play a cool musical
instrument. Something ominous, like an organ or a sousaphone," Washuu
explained.
"I'll just hire a band," Dr. Forester countered, then took a moment to
compose himself. "Anyway, I'm running things now, as you can see. Well,
as you will see. Allow me to show you." He turned to something that was
offscreen. "Come on over here, my dear."
A cyan-haired woman, dressed in a plain black suit, floated past the
viewscreen. "Hi there," she waved happily at the monitor.
"Hey! That's Kasumi!" Washuu shouted.
"No," Dr. Forester corrected. "This is TV's Ryouko."
"Blech! I hated that name," Washuu said.
"It's a good name," Dr. Forester countered.
"Yeah, it's a lot better than a crappy one like Kasumi." TV's Ryouko
made a face. "I just get an image of some cheap prostitute or whore
whenever you say a name like that."
Washuu was offended. "You shouldn't talk that way to your mother."
A knowing glance was exchanged between TV's Ryouko and Dr. Forester.
"You were right. She did try to use that 'I'm your mother' angle to get
me to turn against you." Ryouko turned to Washuu once more. "You know
something, if you were really my mother, I'd rather be an orphan."
"Hey! You ingrate! I could have decided I'd rather have a pet instead of
a daughter. It'd probably have a better personality too. Besides, you'd
be better looking as a pikachu." Washuu folded her arms across her small
bosom.
"Why you!" An energy sword appeared in TV's Ryouko's hand and Dr.
Forester was forced to restrain her, lest she destroy the viewscreen.
Once he had TV's Ryouko under control, Dr. Forester turned his attention
to Washuu once again. "Now, in case you're wondering where you are, I'll
let you know. You are trapped in a construct of mine I made in subspace.
I call it, the Satellite of Love."
"Come down here and let me give you a big dose of affection," Washuu
growled.
"That's all right. I'm quite happy up here on your spaceship. Besides,
I'd like to keep breathing." Forester grinned evilly at Washuu. "You
see, I have learned a lot from you in the months I've served as your
personal executive assistant."
"Personal executive assistant?" TV's Ryouko made a face. "Sounds like
you were her gofer."
"Be quiet!" Dr. Forester snapped, then turned to Washuu again. "Anyway,
I have decided to begin my studies by experimenting on unwilling test
subjects, like you did with me, only my experiments are going to be much
worse than anything you came up with."
"You're going to lock me in a room with a bunch of hot-looking, well-
hung male supermodels, along with a five year supply of viagra, and then
they all turn out to be gay?"
"Ah, no. Not quite that evil."
"You'll lock me in a room with a sweet, yet air-headed Galaxy Police
officer that can thwart any plan or scheme I can come up with without
even realizing it?"
"No. I'm not that evil either."
"Thank god. I have nightmares about that sort of thing." Washuu
considered things once more. "You're going to let me out of here so I
can kick your butt for locking me down here in the first place?"
"Well I...No! I'm not going to do that!" Dr. Forester cleared his
throat. "I'm going to keep you trapped down there and send you really
bad movies and watch you suffer endlessly. MUHAHAHAHA!"
"That doesn't sound too evil."
"You've never seen the uncut film version of 'Artemis's Lover,' done by
Juraiain directing legend, Roger Korman, have you?"
"Th...that's horrible!" Washuu gasped.
"Or I can send you 'Showgirls', instead."
"AHHHH!" Washuu began screaming and pounding her fists ineffectually at
the viewscreen. It was an evil experiment. She would have been very
proud of Dr. Forester if she had not been the lab rat being experimented
upon.
"No need for panic," Dr. Forester said in a smooth voice and thereby
fulfilling the required 'No need for' statement somewhere in the Tenchi
fusion fic. "We can have a little invention exchange. Here's the way it
will work. I'll invent something, and you can invent something. And then
we'll compare the two inventions. If what you came up with is better
than what I came up with, you won't have to watch the movie."
"Ha! I've already won." Washuu raised her hand in triumph. "I am the
Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius and you're only a dumb old wanna
be evil scientist that can't make a decent cup of coffee. How can you
possibly expect to defeat me?"
"I'll be the one judging the competition."
"That might do it," Washuu conceded. "Well, I'll need some materials to
invent something."
"Certainly." Dr. Forester turned to TV's Ryouko. "Send Washuu her
'building materials'."
The two exchanged sinister giggles, then TV's Ryouko gathered some
materials and sent them via the invention exchange teleporter, to
Washuu.
Dr. Forester allowed Washuu a moment to look over her materials, then he
snickered evilly again. "I'd like to see what you can do with a bowling
pin, a couple of Ping-Pong balls, a lacrosse stick, a bubble gum
machine, and some other odds and ends."
Washuu looked the materials over. "Aren't you going to give me any duct
tape?"
"And have you build a sub-space dimensional escape transporter? I think
not. What kind of a fool do you take me for?"
Washuu snapped her fingers. She had thought for sure she could have
slipped that one by him. With a sigh, she said, "Tell you what, why
don't you show me your invention first, and while you're explaining it,
I'll get started on mine?" She cracked her knuckles, pulled out a piece
of chewing gum and a quarter as her only tools, and began to work.
"A good idea," Dr. Forester agreed. He snapped his fingers in TV's
Ryouko's direction. She teleported away, then came back with a bizarre-
looking creature in hand.
"Wow!" Washuu said in awe. "What a bizarre-looking creature. Even I
couldn't have come up with something as grotesque as that."
"Neither could I," Dr. Forester admitted. "Ryouko, you grabbed a normal
platypus."
"Hey, you said 'grab the bizarre-looking creature in the cage in the
labs'," TV's Ryouko defended.
"Well, not that bizarre creature. The one that's also bizarre, but not
quite as bizarre as that."
TV's Ryouko rolled her eyes. "Whatever. And I'd appreciate it if you
didn't treat me like a gofer."
"That's 'personal executive assistant' not 'gofer', and that is exactly
what you are."
"But I wanna be a space pirate."
"No."
TV's Ryouko began sniffling. "But you said that when it came time to
choose a career, I could be anything I wanted to be, except a lawyer."
"Oh, all right," Dr. Forester relented in the face of the sniffling.
"When I don't need you as a personal executive assistant, you can be a
space pirate. Now get the invention."
TV's Ryouko clapped her hands in glee and teleported to and back, this
time holding a different bizarre-looking creature; it was an example of
advanced genetic splicing of two animals that still managed to appear a
whole lot less bizarre-looking than an everyday, average, unaltered
platypus.
Dr. Forester held the creature behind his back so Washuu couldn't see
it. "What I have here is an example of genetic splicing that even the
self-proclaimed 'Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius' couldn't come up
with."
"Let me guess." Washuu interrupted her work for a moment as she placed
her hand to her chin in thought. "It's a combination of cat, rabbit, and
mass, that has an affinity for carrots, 'miya's a lot, and can turn into
a spaceship."
"What a lucky guess," Dr. Forester said dryly as he brought out the
cabbit before him, holding it by its long ears. It miyaed happily and
waved at Washuu.
"It seemed obvious to me." Washuu waved back, then returned to her work.
"I call her Ryo-Ohki," TV's Ryouko said cheerfully as she took the
cabbit from Dr. Forester and began cuddling it.
It didn't matter to Dr. Forester. There was no way even Washuu could
build anything out of the useless items he had given her. "What's your
pitiful invention?"
Washuu stood back and unveiled her masterpieces. "These are two top-of-
the-line robots." One was golden and made with the bowling pin, Ping-
Pong balls, lacrosse stick, and some of the other odds and end. The
other one was primarily red and made out of the bubble gum machine.
"Washuu, you're the best," the gold one announced enthusiastically to
the world.
"Washuu, you're the greatest," the bubblegum machine one said just as
enthusiastically.
Washuu smirked at Dr. Forester. "You see. My robots are obviously
brilliant, having deduced my true skills and inner nature with me only
having to give them basic awareness."
"Umm, actually, I don't find you all that inspiring," the gold one said
in a much more flat and calm voice.
"And what exactly makes you 'the greatest'? The greatest what? Redhead?
Short woman? Person trapped in sub-space? And since we've just been
created and never known anyone else, doesn't that, at the same time,
also make you the worst?" the bubblegum machine one asked in a peppy,
yet practical voice.
"And if you're so great, why didn't you have build a CD player in me? I
like to listen to music," the gold one asked.
A sweatdrop formed on Washuu's forehead. "C'mon guys, behave
yourselves."
"I think we are well behaved."
"Yes. It's not like we've thrown any loud parties and had Leonard Maltin
pass out in the cheese dip or something."
"I like them," Dr. Forester laughed.
"Same here," TV's Ryouko said. "What are their names?"
"Kasumi and Akane." Washuu indicated the gold one first and the red one
second. She was going to get to name something around here.
"Yuck! I don't like that name," the red one said.
"Me neither. I don't want to be called Kasumi." The gold one shook his
head.
"I think the gold one looks like a crow," TV's Ryouko suggested.
"Hey, cool," the newly dubbed Crow said. "It's a smooth, yet gentle name
that conveys a feeling of strength, and yet gentleness of spirit."
"Kasumi is a gentle name too," Washuu insisted.
"No way!" Crow countered. "Saying Kasumi invokes images of some cheap
prostitute or whore. I like Crow."
The red one began hopping up and down, despite having no legs and only
the round bottom of the bubblegum machine as his base. "Pick one for me!
Pick one for me!" he shouted at TV's Ryouko.
TV's Ryouko thought about it. "You look like a Tom Servo to me."
"Ohhh!" Tom moaned. "That's so sensual. Just like James Bond, except I'm
not a secret agent and have no interest in women."
"Well, that's settled," Crow said happily.
"It is not." Washuu would have said more, but Dr. Forester cut in.
"I think it's pretty obvious who has the better invention here."
"Miya," Ryo-Ohki agreed.
"That's wight. You're daddy's widdle cabbit." Dr. Forester scratched
Ryo-Ohki behind the ears.
"Hey, scratch me behind the ears too," Crow said as he began rubbing
next to Washuu.
"Me too! Me too!" Tom said as he did likewise on Washuu's other side.
"You two do realize you don't have ears?" Washuu pointed out.
"And who's fault is that?" Crow said accusingly, with Tom joining in.
Dr. Forester turned his attention to Washuu again. "Anyway, this week's
movie is a terrible little piece of garbage that was directed by that
well known Juraiain environmentalist, Tres Huggar. It's called, 'The Day
the Trees Screamed.' Hope you enjoy it. NOT! Send them the movie,
Ryouko!"
Again, Dr. Forester and TV's Ryouko (joined by their cabbit, Ryo-Ohki)
laughed or miyaed evilly as they watched Washuu shout out, "We've got
movie sign!" and then was hurled into the theater attachment in
subspace.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"HAHAHA! Success." The Shadowhare shouted. He wasn't sure on what level
it was a success, but it had to be because it had involved him. He pried
Oscir out of the ground, shook him down for some carrots, and left.
Oscir shook his head to free it from the haze that had formed with The
Shadowbunny's assault. Where did some minor one-shot parody character
that was used in all of one page of a five-plus meg fic get off beating
something as suave as Oscir up? He did have to admit, though, that the
change The Shadowbunny had caused was exactly the sort of thing he would
have done. It sort of reminded him of an alternate universe/fusion that
had been created by some creature. Oscir turned to his pool and looked
on to see where he had been left off the last time he had looked into
the changed world, Sailor Eva, or something...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Shinji found the story picked up slightly after the events of the last
crappy Sailor Moon fusion he had been thrown into. He was now dressed in
his plug suit, and climbing into the entry plug of the EVA-01.
Shinji looked up to where his mother stood above, watching everything
through aloof eyes. "You know, Mother. This whole entry plug thing seems
pretty phallic to me."
"As I intended." The imperceptible look on Usagi was quickly replaced by
a confused one. "Umm. What does 'phallic' mean?"
Makoto Katsuragi and Ami Akagi felt a mutual headache coming on. They
flipped a coin to decide who would explain it. Ami lost.
"It, you know, has to do with the, umm, you know, stuff you used to do
with your husband."
"Taking long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.
"No." Ami sighed. "You know, this." She lowered her hand to her pelvis
and made a back and forth motion with her hand.
"Shaking hands with really short people?"
"No! It has to do with sex! Specifically the penis! Shinji is saying
there is that sort of symbolism with the way the entry plug goes into
the EVA!"
"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, then a look of horror ran
across her face. "Shinji! What on earth are they teaching you at that
school?! I never had thoughts along those lines when I was your age!"
Ami spoke up to Shinji. "Besides, if you think that's bad, you should
have seen where they were originally going to put the entry plug. It was
going to end up right... there." Ami gave a hard smack to Usagi's
buttcheeks.
Makoto nodded. "Luckily the designers were talked out of it. Can you
imagine what an emergency ejection of the plug would have looked like?"
Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot worse.
He got into the entry plug and let it close around him.
A moment later, his Eva shot to the surface. Once there, Shinji could
see the form of the first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.
"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted.
"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the communication equipment. "First
you need to get the proper clothes."
"Proper... clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider the Eva naked
as it was?
"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker. Shinji turned
to see a building open up, revealing a false interior. Inside was a
gigantic black cloak, white mask, and top hat that were all sized to fit
the Eva.
"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said.
"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma-"
"Angel," Makoto corrected.
"-Angel attacks!".
"No way!"
"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."
Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and gave
up before he was forced to bend to his mother's demands unwillingly.
"I'll put it on! I'll put it on!" It took several moments of reluctant
maneuvering to actually place the ridiculous garb on his Eva.
"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail slightly over the
intercom now.
Shinji rolled his eyes, then turned to confront the Angel. It was then
that both he and his Eva formed a sweatdrop.
"What's it doing?" Shinji asked the others as the Angel seemed to be
engaged in some bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground and making
weird noises.
"It's laughing," Ami's voice said, barely controlled amusement in her
voice. Other voices could be heard laughing in the background as well.
"Just as ha! we hoped. It's so stupefied by your ha! appearance, it's
unable to focus its AT field. Teeheeheehee."
Shinji was considering just wandering off when Makoto composed herself
enough to say, "Punch the button on your left, next to the cappuccino
machine. Then reach over your shoulder and grab the weapon."
Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said and
reached up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought the
'weapon' into view.
"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of emotion in his
voice.
"It's a prog rose," Makoto said. "Drive it into that red spot on the
Angel and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA! He looks so stupid!"
Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose away and
left, never to go back to NERV again and allow them to fall unto the
mercy of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless wimp, he did as he was
told, drove the prog rose (which actually did cut very well) into the
laughing Angel's core and destroyed it.
"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly as he looked at
the rictus of laughter etched on its face.
After he took off the cloak and mask (so that the others would stop
laughing) he returned to the holding cage where his mother and the
others waited for him.
Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself and donned her 'cold' look
once again. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed grace and poise out
there, risking your life to save humanity." It was said in a flat voice,
bereft of any real emotion.
"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't defend itself
with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my life."
"Ha!" Usagi said, emotion returning. "You think you have it tough? When
I was your age, I ran around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous things
like 'In the name of the Moon, you shall be punished' at ludicrous
monsters. You do that and see how much integrity you maintain."
"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted. "It was
really embarrassing. It's probably why boys almost never hit on me."
"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met with her legs
wide open," Makoto agreed.
Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I believe
I've done enough parenting for today. It's time for me to decide where
Shinji's going to stay now that he's a part of NERV."
"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.
"No."
Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.
Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over one
of her own ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to
consider their options. "How old are you Shinji?"
"Thirteen."
"Still a virgin?"
Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying to choose a
place to stay?"
"Everything. Now answer the question."
"Yes."
"Want to stay that way?"
Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship
like that right now, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."
"Cross Minako off then," Makoto said. "If it's male, she sleeps with it.
You know her motto, 'if it can get hard, it can get off'."
"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami asked.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for that either." After Shinji met Toji, and
admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay with a couple of
lesbians, he beat the living crap out of Shinji for "passing up the
opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.
"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions in their
fires?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"Forget Rei," Makoto said.
Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"
"HEY!" Makoto shouted.
"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said, afraid of what
other options were going to be presented before him. Hanging out with a
lush sounded at least relatively normal.
Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm
affectionately around Shinji and brought him close to her. "I guess it
would be kind of fun having someone like you around. Buck up, Shinji.
We've saved the world, and you're going to be living with me. Let's go
out and celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."
"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.
"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier than she had
in a long time. It wasn't like she was getting close to marriage, and
this might be the closest thing to a son she was ever going to have. A
pity he reminded her of one of her old boyfriends though. Now that they
were going to be living under the same roof...
"I think we're going get along fine, Shinji. Just fine."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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