Episode #9: Swords and Roses
Or, How I Spent My Weekend Kicking Crime Butt
Moadville. A city of—um, well, it was a city, as cities tend to go. It was very small, and relatively peaceful, save the occasional giant mecha flying across the sky in pursuit of some super villain. Tending towards sunny, happy weather, it was a nice place to settle down and raise the kids, knowing that the streets were protected by a band of superheroes known to most as the Argonauts. And to a select few as "Those meddling superheroes! And I would’ve gotten away with it, too!"
Anyways, it was somewhat above this city that a man was standing on a rocky precipice, cape flapping dramatically in the breeze. Something large was strapped to his back, and in the shadows of the rising sun, it appeared to be some kind of staff, only with an abnormally large—er, something stuck on the top. He took a deep breath, surveying the town spread before him once more, before executing several neat jumps until he was on the ground, and headed for a small grassy field somewhere in the center of a certain campus.
* * *
Brian slid open the closet in his dorm room in Schultz, revealing a lighted, slightly raised pad with several brightly lit circles on it. He stepped on one of the circles, and in a gradual flare of blue light consumed him and disappeared, reforming on a similar raised pad somewhere in the dungeon. Stepping off the pad, he nodded to the random grunt operating the transporter and walked into the main section of the Dungeon. The other Argonauts were seated in front of the main screen, where a certain large, cowboy-hat-wearing silhouette was waiting.
"All right, listen up, kids, we’ve got a lot of news. HQ still hasn’t gotten a lock on who might be behind D.S. We’re still following up on several leads, but so far they all seem to have dead-ended—"
"Have you got any leads on what brought us to another planet?" Josh interrupted.
Bill paused, seemingly flustered for a moment. "Uh, no leads on that yet—seems to be just an anomaly of sorts—" he said, regaining his composure. "Anyway, back to the subject, whoever hired D.S. is definitely a force to be reckoned with. On that vein, HQ has deemed fit to call in reinforcements—"
"Reinforcements?!" all the Argonauts said at once.
"Jinx, owe me a coke," Brian said instinctively.
"Yes, he’ll be arriving shortly. He’ll be—" and he turned to someone off screen, who couldn’t be heard. "Hey, what does this guy look like?…Uh-huh…You’re kidding. He wields a what?!" As one, all the Argonauts looked at each other uneasily. "Ok, sure, whatever." Bill turned back to face the Argonauts, shaking his head. "Reports say that he’ll be finding you, so don’t worry. He’s done some good work for us in the past, and we feel relatively confident in his experience. However, keep in mind this will be the first time he’s worked in a group."
"And how will we know it’s him when he finds us? Which password should we use?"
Bill consulted with the person off-screen for a second, then turned back. "Use the secret password in Section 5 of your handbooks, article 2, paragraph 3."
"Oh. That password." And there was much eye rollage.
"Anyway, he should make contact within the week. Keep an eye and an ear out."
"Roger."
"This is HQ, signing off." And the screen blinked out with a slight hiss.
* * *
At this time, another man, completely different than the aforementioned cape-wearer, was surveying his own domain. This place, this Moadville—it was the jurisdiction of one who had hired the likes of D.S. And, according to Evil Villain protocol, logically this person who now stood in the Campus Center shouldn’t be butting in on another villain’s territory. However, in truth, this was his hometown, and he had a certain fondness for it. If it could be considered fondness. More like a highly detailed rationale that there was no reason why he shouldn’t be here. Besides, he wanted to see what the local guy could do. After all, he could use a challenge.
This person was a tall, leanly-built upperclassman with fine, logical Nordic features and ash-blond hair pulled back straight into a ponytail. Although few knew him on a personal level, in his years at Algainy he had acquired the status of a student legend. His no-nonsense expression and bearing spoke of either a Puritan minister or the Dark Lord of the Sith. Which, of course, contributed to his nickname, the only name anyone knew him by on campus: Darth.
Darth strode confidently across the Campus Center, his long trenchcoat giving his already tall figure a cool and subtly menacing air. It wasn’t so much a "I think I’ll go on a rampage now" menacing air, but more of the air of "I want little to do with the squabbling masses, so say something intelligent or get out of my way" kind of sense. Lesser mortals scurried out of the way as if of a Nordic warrior straight out of legend. This was the sense he conveyed to the general student population, and none of them were inclined to argue.
"Hey, Darth," Mark called from the lunch line in McFinley’s, grabbing a burger from beneath the heat lamp.
"Hello Mark. And how are you this fine day?" Darth said politely.
"I am fantastic. You?"
"I am doing excellent, thank you."
"Well, then, we’re all good!"
"You have a nice day, Mark." Darth picked up his lunch and strode out of McFinley’s, his aura of power no less dim by the presence of a chicken salad and soda in his hands.
* * *
"—And, of further note, in the name of those above listed qualities, including, but not limited to, justice, love, friendship and good hygiene, I find cause to punish you!"
The leader of the thugs checked his watch. "Are you done yet?"
"Oh, quite," said Brian, earning a nod of assertion from the other Argonauts. "So, you gonna surrender?"
"Um, no." He signaled to his companions, who all pulled out guns.
"Guns?! Hey Brian, are they allowed to do that?" Super Jen asked.
"Well, not normally, but it is in keeping with their whole ‘thug’ theme."
"This isn’t fair! They can’t pull out guns on us!" Flip complained.
"Oh, that’s right," Super Jen said. "Weren’t you supposed to grab them from behind before they could get a chance to do that, Flip?"
Flip growled in annoyance.
All of a sudden, one of the thugs in the back was knocked forward, flat on the ground. The others turned around in surprise, and a man stepped out dramatically from the shadows. He wore a cape and a business suit, and some kind of glittery domino mask that seemed to stay on his face for no reason. And in his hands, he carried, of all things, a giant rose.
"You thugs have no business attacking the innocent people of this city. I cannot allow that!" the man said dramatically. "Seeker! Use your laser cannon!"
"Oh, that’s right! I’m in a heavily armed mech! In the distraction of battle, I somehow forgot about all my powers!" Seeker aimed his arm cannon at the thugs, and blasted them all to unconsciousness with a single shot.
"Wow. That was mildly entertaining," said Brian. He looked up at the man who now stood dramatically over the pile of unconscious thugs. The man looked at them, and said, rather straight-faced and to the point, "Carpe bananiem."
There was an uncomfortable pause. All the Argonauts looked at Brian. He pouted, then reluctantly did the second half of the password. He held up his hands as if gripping a gun over his head and shaking it, and made an "Ough ough" sound like a Tuskan Raider.
"Greetings, Argonauts, I am Business Suit Cape," the man said.
"Wow, are you any relation to Tuxedo Ma—"
"Ssh!" the man said. "You wanna get me sued?" All of a sudden, two men appeared directly behind him, weilding lutes, and suddenly broke out into song.
"Brave bold Business Suit Cape, rode forth from far away,
He was not afraid to die, Oh, Brave Business Suit Cape!
He was not in the least bit scared of evil villains’ nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Business Suit Cape!"
Business Suit Cape smacked his forehead. "And those," he said around gritting teeth, "are the minstrels who insist on following me around and composing my ballads."
"Okay. So you’re a rip-off of Tuxedo Mask, wielding an oversized version of a common household object a la Rumiko Takahashi, and you’re being followed around by minstrels straight out of Monty Python’s Holy Grail." Brian turned to the audience. "You know, I have the feeling Author-sama was drunk when this character was created." THUNK.
"Are you insulting my rose?!" Business Suit Cape demanded.
"No, no," Pouch said, shaking his head. "It’s a very nice…giant rose," he fumbled. Then he turned his back to the man and snickered behind his hand. Then, facing him full in the face again, he said pointedly, "Nice suit. Lose the cape." Business Suit Cape frowned, and looked rather insulted. But when he saw Pouch’s sincere look, he decided against arguing and sighed. "Well, we’ve taken care of those thugs who dare to pick on helpless girls," he said. "My lady," and he bowed to Super Jen.
She blinked. Well. "That’s very kind of you," she said politely. "However—don’t ever call me helpless!!" And with that, she proceeded to lay the smackdown on the rose-wielding bishonen who dared insult her ability.
After he had been thoroughly ground into the concrete, the others peeled him up and brought him back to the Dungeon where, after a generous application of bandages and coffee (the universal cures to everything), he regained some semblance of consciousness.
"So you have no idea who this big boss might be?" he asked.
Josh shook his head. "Preliminary research has turned up nothing. What we need are clues."
Business Suit Cape nodded. "And we’ve got to check our clues carefully," he said. "As they always say, ‘Beware the Red Herring’."
* * *
Darth surveyed the laboratory in the campus’s science building, and smiled. Forget those mad scientists who tinkered with chemical bombs and mind-control tactics in their grand schemes. Anyone with any semblance of intelligence knew that a true leader didn’t need mind-control devices to sway the masses; his own words could compel them enough. And chemicals, bah! Now physics—that was the true means to taking over the world. Everything in the universe operated by physical and mathematical laws. And he who knew those laws therefore could know everything about how the universe worked. And knowledge was true power. He who knew everything that needed to be known—
Now, how would he begin this little coup? Simple enough. Take over the physics lab. But of course he needed manpower—grunts to do the labor. That was a primary necessity. And he needed grunts completely loyal to him. None of this mercenary stuff. True, money was a great incentive, but it had a terrible habit of turning on its ally. He consulted his copy of Machiavelli’s "The Prince" again, and nodded. Once he had manpower and a good enough following, this would be a matter of simple tactics. And if he worked it right, he could get Moadville right out from under the current Big Boss’s nose.
He found a first possible subject, and sidled into the seat next to him. He was a short, mousy, glasses-wearing student whose appearance was in stark contrast to Darth’s tall and charismatic grace. "Hello, there," he said smoothly, "and what’s your name?"
The student looked up. "Um . . . Harvey. Harvey Johnson."
"Hello, Harvey Johnson. And tell me, are you happy?"
"Um . . . sort of. I—guess so. Yeah. Why?"
"Well, could you be happier?"
"Um . . ." Then something clicked in his subconscious, telling him that resistance was futile. By now there was no escape. He was right in Darth’s hand. "Well, I suppose I could. My professor keeps assigning me way too much homework, and I barely have enough time to get it all done! And you should see the way he grades tests! And what about the food at McFinley’s? Every semester their chicken fingers get smaller and fewer! And the price stays the same! They’ve got to be kidding me!"
"Well," Darth said. "I can take care of that for you, Harvey. But, you see," he said, smoothly, "I need your help."
"Really?"
"How would you like to join my Army of Terror? Together we can take care of these . . . unacceptable problems. Well? What do you think?"
There was a pause. "May I call you ‘Master’?"
Darth smiled charismatically. "Of course you may."
* * *
"So then the third rubber duck turns to the second rubber duck, and says, ‘What do I look like, a blender?!’"
The Argonauts practically fell out of their seats laughing.
Business Suit Cape, his giant rose now strapped to his back like a staff, frowned. "I don’t get it. What’s it supposed to mean? What was the first part of the joke?!"
Brian stopped his laughing and thought for a moment. "I . . .don’t know. . ."
"Author-sama cut in too late; we didn’t catch the first part. . ." Thunk.
"But it must have been funny! Right guys?"
"Oh, hilarious!"
Business Suit Cape smacked his forehead. "Um, shouldn’t we be working to find clues or something? You know, that’s what most superheroes do."
Keibert sat up. "You know, I think you have some people issues."
"People issues? I—"
"Brave bold Business Suit Cape, rode forth from far away,
He was not afraid to die, Oh, Brave Business Suit Cape!"
"Shut up!" he yelled at the minstrels, who hadn’t left his side since their first appearance. "As I was saying, I just want to—"
"To fight! and—"
"Shut up!!" He pulled out his rose, swung it over his head, and smacked both minstrels into unconsciousness. Then he returned to his seat and sighed. "I can’t believe the things I have to put up with . . ."
"Well, right now we’re doing everything we can," Josh said. He pointed to the large crime computer. "Right now, the computer is doing its best to search for clues by cross-referencing the databases—"
"Well, what are all these other programs running? They’re taking up all the bandwidth!" Business Suit Cape pointed to the spot with the stem of his giant rose.
Josh squinted at the other programs. "Jen, are you downloading Sailor Moon episodes on the crime computer again?" he sighed.
"Oh, right. My bad. Just let me finish downloading this one; it’s the episode from season 5 with all the gender confusion."
"Um, which one?" Brian asked sarcastically.
"Um…all of them?" Jen offered. There was a collective face fault.
Jen peered at the screen. "Ah, I think it’s episode—"
The screen suddenly blinked, and was replaced by static. Jen jumped back, seeing as she had been only a couple of inches from the monitor when this happened. The screen flickered some more, and suddenly became filled with fine and familiar features. "Hey, isn’t that—"
"Greetings, people of Moadville!" Darth said smoothly. "I have intercepted all of the air waves in town to let everyone know that they will be answering to me now. And if everyone cooperates, I will be able to solve all of your problems. But I need your help. Follow me, and we can make this world a happy place to live in. Thank you for your time, and good evening." The screen flickered off.
"Gee, if he intercepted the air waves, how was he able to get onto our computer, too?" Jen wondered.
The screen flickered on again. "Oh, and one more thing. For those of you whose computers I intercepted, it was through Web TV." Again, the transmission cut off.
"Oh yeah, I had that program running, too . . ."
* * *
All across town, people were falling into Darth’s grip like so many Psychic Network clients. In the citizens’ eyes, he was the greatest thing since Gary Larson desktop calendars. Darth’s secretaries—formerly the Science Department secretaries—were answering calls left and right from Moadville citizens making suggestions as to what Darth could do with his newfound power.
"—and if you can get a channel that plays The Matrix and Tank Girl on rotation, 24 hours a day, that would be so awesome!" one particular voice chimed on her end of the phone.
"We will forward your suggestion to our Most Glorious Master. Thank you and have a nice day." **Click.**
Beth hung up her end of the phone and wandered back into the dorm lounge, where Darth’s message was being played on the TV, over and over again. "Darth is soooo awesome!" she said, sitting back down in her place on the couch. She changed the channel suddenly, to see a man in a black trenchcoat beating up what looked to be evil Men in Black. She sat back and smiled to herself. "The Matrix is soooo awesome!"
In another section of town, someone angrily clicked off the huge monitor that was suspended from the ceiling in his office. He threw the remote control aside and demanded that his advisors be brought to his office.
"What is he doing?!" the man demanded, once his council had arrived. They were arrayed around his desk, shadowed figures bowed in subservience around their boss. "How has he gotten this entire town under his sway so quickly?!? What is his secret?"
"Sir, with all due respect, your Reign of Terror has not been without results—"
"It’s not enough!" he exclaimed. "What with those blasted Argonauts, my empire is being chipped away before it can be built! And they already defeated Minion Darfeld Senshire—" He paused, and squinted at the advisor who had spoken. "What is that you’re wearing?"
"Uh, nothing, sir," he said, cringing further into the shadows.
"Is that a t-shirt?! What does it say?" The boss’s voice rose in pitch as the letters became clear. "‘I worship Darth’?!"
"Eep—"
The boss’s eyes flared. "How dare you?! DIE!!"
The advisor’s body spasmed as he was blasted with several thousand watts of electricity. Pretty standard, really. After his lifeless body dropped to the floor, the boss glared at the rest of his advisors, who all took a step back.
"We must stop him—" He broke off, and smirked. "No, I have a better idea. There are others who would be—much more suited to this job."
From the shadows, a pair of eyes began to glow.
* * *
Meanwhile, back in the Dungeon—
"Okay," Josh said, spreading the map of Moadville out on the table, "here’s the city. What would Darth’s most likely center of operations be? Keibert?"
"Word on the street is, Darth’s broadcast was somewhere on campus."
"The radio station?" Charlie offered.
"Possible."
"Oh, come on," Brian exclaimed. "Darth wouldn’t go from the radio station. He’d probably start in one of the science buildings. He’s always said that if you want to take over the world, you do it with physics."
Everyone turned to look at him.
"What? I thought everyone knew that. He talks about it all the time at lunch."
"You’ve eaten lunch with him?!" Business Suit Cape demanded.
Brian shrugged. "Yeah, of course. Seems pretty nice."
"But he’s—" Jen broke off suddenly, because her eyes started to glow.
Despite the strange things the Argonauts have seen thus far, this was still enough to surprise them. Because, other than Business Suit Cape, they all thought they knew Jen pretty well, and thus far she’s never had her eyes suddenly glow while she began to hover off the floor.
"Darth’s headquarters . . . is in the west wing of Carve Hallll…."she said in an unearthly voice that was not her own. "Roooomm…207…"
Suddenly, her eyes stopped glowing and she dropped to the floor. She didn’t move for a moment, then, quietly, she groaned.
"Oh my god, something possessed Jenny!"
"You . . . bastard?"
Jen sat up and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "Wow . . . now that was an experience I wouldn’t want to repeat."
"What just happened?" Business Suit Cape demanded.
"I don’t know . . . it felt like something forced itself into my mind. It was really weird." Jen shivered.
"What was it like, being possessed?" Charlie asked. "Was it like the cold hand of death gripping your soul?"
Jen thought for a moment. "No, not really . . . it kind of smelled like strawberries."
" . . . Strawberries?"
"Yeah. Kind of weird, huh?"
Business Suit Cape frowned. "This is no time to be debating what being possessed smells like!" he exclaimed. "For some reason, someone wanted us to know where Darth is. And right now, we have to worry about Darth, and think about the spirit later."
"Right! Let’s go!" Brian said dramatically.
"And you," Business Suit Cape said, turning to Brian. "What kind of leader are you? You’ve just been sitting around doing nothing for most of this! What do you do, anyway? Your only powers seem to be loafing around and stuffing your face!"
"Precisely!" Brian said.
"Well, you lead a crime-fighting group by being the comic relief? But that makes no sense!"
"Exactly!"
"Um…" Business Suit Cape scratched his head. "I don’t think we’re communicating on the same level—"
"Look, Mr. Cape, it’s one of those things that, if you have to ask, you’ll never understand." Brian grabbed a handful of Hot Fries and gobbled them down. "And that’s really all I can say about that."
Business Suit Cape looked unconvinced.
"If you still want a ‘logical’ reason," Brian added after seeing the look Cape was giving him, "this series was my idea, so I get to be the leader. So there."
THUNK!!!
. . . .
"Wow, I didn’t know Author-sama could get such a big anvil in here . . ."
* * *
Darth surveyed the street below him from the roof of Carve Hall. Lifting the megaphone to his mouth, he continued his well-rehearsed speech. "And I say that if we’re going to have a government, it should at least be a government that gets things done!"
The crowd went ecstatic.
Darth was giddy with power. Reveling in the fact that the crowd was hung on his every word, he decided to play around a bit. After all, what was power if you couldn’t control masses of people with it?
"String cheese," he said.
The crowd roared with excitement. Darth smiled.
From the back of the crowd, the Argonauts (and Business Suit Cape) watched the rally.
"Wow, can I call him Master?" Pouch asked.
"Yeah, he does have some really good ideas . . ." Jen added.
"Stop it, you two!" Business Suit Cape demanded. "You mustn’t allow yourselves to fall under his control!"
"Oh, right . . ."
"Now!" Brian said dramatically. "Let’s go!"
As one, they rushed the doors. Standing guard were two physics professors, both wearing ‘I’m a Darth Fan!’ t-shirts ($29.95 plus shipping and handling, check or money orders only. Sorry, no C.O.D.’s. Have your credit card ready when you order). As the Argonauts approached, they pulled out compasses and protractors and fell to the ground.
The superheroes paused. The men took their time measuring the angle of the sun, then both pulled out large mirrors and measured the precise angles of their inclination. Suddenly, they aimed them directly at the Argonauts’ faces.
"AAUUGGHH!! My eyes!"
"I can’t see!"
Seeker swore. Dropping down his glare-proof infrared scanners, he targeted the mirrors, blasting them away with his cannon. "Let’s go!" he said when the path was cleared.
"Right ahead of you, lad!" Pouch said, jumping ahead and slicing across the shirts of the professors. With a quiet *snick* , both of the professor’s pocket protectors fell in two pieces, cut clean through. Gasping, they turned and ran.
"Eh, not so confident without your pocket protecters, huh?" Pouch yelled after them.
"Master Darth will stop you!" one of the professors yelled after them, shaking his fist in the air. Then, to his companion, "Ah, Henson, your fist is shaking 14 degrees off."
* * *
The Argonauts (and Cape Boy, as the others affectionately referred to him) rushed through the corridors, knocking down everyone in their path with well-placed blows with swords, laser blasts, fists, umbrellas and a surprisingly efficient giant rose. From the sides, professors lunged at them with compasses and protractors, convex mirrors and an elliptical plate from Perkin’s. One of them tried to hit them over the head with a rolled-up diagram of the periodic table. That failing, he pulled out a copy of Euclid’s "Geometry" and hit Pouch over the head with it.
"Ow! That was mean!" Pouch exclaimed. He turned to the professor and began to nudge him hard with his head, pushing the man into the wall.
"Your friend seems to have a hard head," Business Suit Cape said dryly.
"And that’s a bad thing?" Brian asked.
Business Suit Cape didn’t answer, only spun his rose around like a staff, knocking several of their attackers unconscious.
"To the elevator!" Flip declared, pointing dramatically at the end of the hall.
In a flurry, knocking the rest of their attackers aside, the Argonauts (and Cape Boy) squeezed into the elevator. Silence ensued. With a quiet buzz, the elevator quietly lifted them like a patient bubble to their desired floor, while elevator muzak sweetly lulled their souls into a grayish department store haze.
The doors slid open, spitting the Argonauts into the fray of battle once again. This time, it was a band of secretaries, T.A.’s and interns who lunged at them, the final defense of Darth’s central office. And it was even nastier, because they were clawing at our superheroes with Lee press-on nails and trying to gouge out their eyes with ball-point pens.
"Look, a sale at Staples!!" Seeker cried, pointing in the opposite direction. As one, the mob of attackers turned and ran off, screaming in excitement.
"Wow, that was easy," said Super Jen.
"Zat must be ze villain’s office," Pouch said, pointing at one door that was taller and more imposing than the rest, with a huge iron knocker on the front, and torches flickering in sconces on either side.
"Wait a minute, I thought you had a Scottish accent, Pouch," Seeker said. "Since when did it become gypsy?"
"Don’t know. Temporal flux, maybee?" He shrugged.
"We don’t have time to argue," Flip said dramatically. "Seeker, blast down the door!"
"Can do." Boom! **Crash!**
The office was imposing enough. But there was no one to be seen. On the desk, however, was an envelope, that read in neat, strong letters, "Argonauts".
Business Suit Cape opened it and read. "My dear persuers, on the chance that you would search for me in my office first, I have yet to leave the roof where you last saw me. Extending an invitation for your presence on said roof, I await your leisure. Sincerely, Darth, Lord of Moadville."
Brian crumpled the paper in his hands dramatically. "How dare he mock us by remaining on the roof!" he said through gritted teeth. Then, pointing in the direction of the staircase to the roof, he said, "Let’s go!"
They banged open the door and charged headfirst up a flight of stairs. Suddenly, however, a large shadow fell across them. They stopped dead in their tracks.
A student stood at the top of the staircase. They blinked. He was a short, mousy student with large glasses and a pocket protector, in stark contrast to the ridiculously large and menacing-looking shoulder pads and cape that he was wearing. And he was desperately trying to look confident and dangerous. He held out one hand, palm forward, to halt them; his fingerless, spiked gauntlets were a size too big for his small frame and just made him look even more absurd.
"Halt!" he demanded. "I shall not allow you to advance any farther! In the name of our most glorious Master, I, Harvey Johnson, will stop you!" With that, he drew from his back a very large broadsword. In fact, it was so large that he couldn’t hold it up, and instead fell face-first onto the roof. Quickly standing up and brushing himself off again, he opted for a different approach, and jumped at the person in front, wielding his fists. Flip casually caught his hand and threw Harvey back, giving the Argonauts enough room to finish climbing the stairs.
However, Harvey was not to be dissuaded so easily. He quickly launched himself at the Argonauts, and tried attacking Business Suit Cape. The temporary Argonaut held out his giant rose like a staff, blocking most of the attacks with deft parries and twirls. He even managed to hit Harvey a few times.
But the henchman wouldn’t stop coming. In desperation, Business Suit Cape shrugged, pulled the rose back, and threw it as hard as he could at the student, knocking him unconscious.
Brian blinked. "Oh come on!" he exclaimed. "Who throws a rose?! Really??" Then, turning to Business Suit Cape, "You fight like a woman!"
Thunk.
"Thank you," Darth said casually, "for that amusing display. Now, a word with you. This battle is completely unnecessary. As it stands, it turned out your protests are completely unfounded. My committee found me not to be an evil meglomaniacal genius, at all. Also, that giant structure on top of Carr is perfectly harmless; it's for studying the weather. Our research on polio is for new vaccines. And the uniformed people you saw were just the Lacrosse team, with their new pads and sticks. I can see how they might be confused for armoured soldiers, but you have nothing to fear, really."
"Oh, well, then everything’s all settled.," Brian said, satisfied. "Let’s go, guys."
"Umm…what giant structure on top of Carr?" Super Jen asked.
"Don’t let him fool you!" Business Suit Cape exclaimed. "He’s the bad guy! Defeat him!!"
"Then it appears I have no choice," said Darth, "although I’m sure the end to this conflict could have been much less messy if you hadn’t chosen to resist." And, reaching beneath his trenchcoat, he drew a highly-polished and dangerous-looking sword. Wielding it with a deadly grace, he continued, "Prepare to meet the Sword of Righteous Retribution!"
"Well, then, uh . . . prepare to meet the—um," said Brian, stalling as he looked around for a sword.
"Psst," Jen hissed, holding out a cylindrical plastic sheath. "I got it for a couple of bucks at Kay-Bee’s."
Brian took the sheath, willing to take anything he could get. Removing the flimsy plastic fencing sword, he held it up threateningly. "Meet the, uh—the Righteous…Sword of . . . of Righteousness! Yeah, that’s it . . ."
Darth raised an eyebrow. "Very well, then," he said, and brought his sword up. "I await your leisure."
Brian charged right away, then his eyes got very wide as Darth swung his own sword in a blow that could well slice the Righteous Sword of Righteousness—and himself—in half. ‘Eep’-ing quietly to himself, but knowing that it was too late to stop his forward charge, Brian leapt over the swinging blade and up—and down again, landing behind Darth.
With a growl, Darth turned around, hitting Brian with the flat of his blade before the Argonaut could recover after the landing. He raised his sword yet again before the others could blink. "Very amusing, Brian of the Argonauts. You’re more agile than I thought. But now I will destroy you."
Brian ulped and looked back at the other Argonauts. They had taken out white fans with red dots on them and were waving them around like cheerleaders. Brian raised an eyebrow. They tossed aside the red-dot fans and replaced them with fans bearing an American flag pattern.
"Go, go, go!!" they cheered.
Harvey Johnson groaned, and tried to get up. Business Suit Cape casually punched him on the head, knocking him out again.
"Go, go, go!!"
"Shall we continue?" Darth asked, and this time he attacked first. Brian dodged out of the way, only narrowly missing the long and sharp-looking blade. A slice appeared on the sleeve of his puffy winter jacket.
Beginning to panic, Brian attacked again, wielding the flimsy plastic $2 sword, thinking that his only hope was if Darth was extremely ticklish. Unfortunately, this was not to work out, as Darth grabbed the sword hilt and swung him onto the rather hard roof.
"Oomph . . ." Brian groaned, and staggered to his feet.
"Now," Darth said quietly, "to finish this." He charged, readying his sword in yet another powerful attack form that could slice his opponent in two.
Brian, not knowing what to do, jumped up again, narrowly avoiding the swishing blade, flipping to again land behind Darth. But this time he didn’t quite make it, and there was a quiet squishing sound as his foot landed squarely in Darth’s face.
"Oops. Didn’t mean to land there," Brian said. "Sorry—"
Darth dropped the Sword of Righteous Retribution, and slowly sank to his knees. Brian stepped back as the charismatic dictator, knocked unconscious, fell face-first to the roof.
Brian blinked. "Wow. I really did not expect to win that one . . ."
"Yet another flawless victory for the forces of justice!" Flip cheered.
"Now all we have to do," said Super Jen, "is to return the population to its normal self!"
"I can take care of that," Seeker said, fingers typing furiously at the computer inside the cockpit. There was a hissing noise as he intercepted the current airwaves and replaced them with something other than Darth’s broadcast.
* * *
All around Moadville, people sat mesmerized by Darth’s repeating broadcast of how he would make the world a happy place with their help. Suddenly, there was a burst of static, and all the TVs were once again playing their original channels.
All around Moadville, people sat mesmerized by Jerry Springer’s repeated incidents of people screaming at their cheating lovers with the help of the studio audience.
* * *
Darth groaned and stood up.
The Argonauts, seeing this, drew their weapons to the ready and stepped back.
He held up a hand to stay them. "A good fight, Brian, and well-won. I concede the match."
Brian blinked. "Huh?"
"I will withdraw my grip of power from the people of Moadville. You have won the day." His eyes narrowed. "For now." The seriousness of his threat was only slightly lessened by the red foot-shaped imprint on his face.
He turned to leave. "Farewell. Harvey, come along."
"Oh, hey, are we still on for lunch tomorrow?" Brian called at the retreating figure.
"Usual time, Brian. Have a nice day."
The Argonauts blinked after him, then left the roof. The building seemed strangely normal, with everyone returning to work as if nothing had happened. Down on ground level, Seeker—now Josh—led them to his car, which was parked next to the building, ready to return to Catfish Hall.
"Just goes to show you that cheez whiz is a part of the four food groups!…And it will always triumph over the forces of evil! So, Cape Boy," Brian said, "how’d you like your first adventure with us?"
"‘Adventure’?!" he demanded. "Are you all mad?! We could have been destroyed! Attacking that man with a plastic $2 sword! What were you thinking?!"
He turned away from them. "I’m returning to HQ and demanding a reassignment! You people are too weird."
Suddenly, two minstrels burst out of nowhere and confronted Business Suit Cape.
"Brave bold Business Suit Cape, turned ‘round and ran away,
With strangeness he could not abide, Oh, Brave Business Suit Cape!
When weirdness reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Business Suit Cape!"
"Shut up!" he exclaimed and, in his fury, picked up Josh’s car and threw it at the minstrels, burying them under a hunk of twisted metal.
"Oh the carnage!" Josh wailed. "My car!"
"I’ll send you a check," Business Suit Cape said, then turned and walked away.
"And I just had it detailed last week . . ." Josh growled in frustration.
Somewhere across town, someone watched from his office as Darth recalled his minions and Business Suit Cape strode out of town. He smiled.
Author’s Notes
Yes, there is a Darth in our school, and yes, he does have a Nero sword called the Sword of Righteous Retribution. This story is dedicated to him, and I hope he likes it. I think I captured his voice rather well. :)
Yes, there is also a Righteous Sword of Righteousness, owned by Super Jen (in RL, I mean). She got it at a toy store for part of a medieval halloween costume and thinks it looks rather smashing :) The portrayal of its naming in this story is fairly accurate to RL.
The rubber duck joke is taken from real life, as well. It’s supposed to be the punchline in a really dirty joke, but no one knows what the first part is. So whenever there’s a lull in the conversation, we randomly break in with that one line and all have a good laugh.