My Declaration!!!!

My Declaration

I know from experience that hiding, avoiding, judging, shutting down and

living in

fear does not make me happy. If I want to ever do anything productive with

my life

I have to learn to be willing. What a wonderful word willingness is. I

had to be

willing to get out of the passive/aggressive pattern and into a

receptive/active

mode in order to change my life. I know that if I am ever going to have

love in my

life that I must first love and honor myself. I am doing that now! I had

to be

willing to stop making excuses about my past and accept that I allowed all

situations to overcome me. All the abuse, whether physical or verbal, that

I have

been through happened because I allowed it to. Of course, that's not to

say that I

was asking for it or giving anyone permission to disrespect me, but I made

excuses

for the men that did it and took on all the blame when things weren't

right. I

allowed it to continue after I recognized that most of the abusive things

had

nothing to do with me. Many people make excuses for me, imagine that, and

say that

it was a long slow progression, which is true, however I don't want to hide

under

the veil of dishonesty. I'd rather swallow my pride and admit that I

allowed my

dismal, dark life to happen to me. I can accept responsibility for my own

actions

and I can change my patterns of thought and behavior. My childhood

memories are

rather few, but one thing I'll never forget is that my parents NEVER

allowed us to

use the word 'can't' in our vocabulary. "It's not acceptable for any

reason," my

dad would say! I had buried that rule while I was busy being in a black

hole that I

allowed myself to get into.

I've come to realize that I cannot fix the past. I have surrendered any

hope of

trying to fix things. Now, by surrendering I am changing my mind about the

way I

think. I am giving up all the emotional baggage, which is way too heavy

for me

anyway, and learning to step outside of myself before I react irrationally

emotionally.

This isn't to say that I have become cold-hearted or cruel to my own

feelings, but

that I am taking control of my reactions and I want to learn to be

rational.

I am cleaning out all the cobwebs, the little nooks and crannies of my life

and making the

changes that should have been made long ago.

Forgiving myself has probably been the hardest thing for me because I

always

expected more from myself. I am able to forgive myself for not honoring my

spiritual needs. I have moved on and my progression has proven to be

phenomenal.

My past overwhelms me and gives me this sick feeling inside which will

certainly

keep me from ever falling back into that black hole and the darkness that

surrounded

me.

I knew I could no longer 'just survive' or 'just make it,' I had to have