Kathi's Garden Page Four every battered child grew up in poverty mack m shame, guilt, roundedness...they are all the same and most of us at one point in our lives feel some or all of them....and if we don't hear it from someone else we certainly hear it enough from ourselves... when you think about battering you think about hitting..ok i was hit so i was battered...but i was battered in other ways as well, usually it is physical but it can be emotional or spiritual....but it does not matter what kind it is..it leaves scars....emotional scars.... looking back we don't remember getting hit...we don't see the poverty of our emotional environment....and then we reach adult hood we don't understand if we caused our distress or something or someone else did...some of us don't look upon other forms of abuse as being battered... every child who has no self esteem, who doesn't think he counts, is a child who needs love...okay so you say yes, but, you are an adult...but the inner child still has needs that were never met...a child who thinks he can't do anything right is the child living in emotional poverty...no matter how old he or she may be. each of us deserves to know that we are adequate and worthy and that we are glorious, wonderful, human beings with creative and intelligent souls...being deprived of that as a child is the most horrendous form of abuse... the good news is...it is not a life sentence...our past was not our choice but the future is.... shame filled people feel that something is wrong with their very core...a sense of something bad... susan kwiecien there is a lot of inner child work you can do...you can nurture the child within, ask her/him what the real problem is..and if your inner child wants to cry...so be it...i have never cried that it didn't feel like a huge weight had been lifted afterward....your wounded child is afraid ..afraid to reveal who he really is..the tapes continue to play..you are no good, or as my father used to say..you're so stupid...stupid this dad....i graduated from college and i'm a teacher....i am loved....i am good at what i do....and dad....i did it on my own..... we are so afraid to show the true self, we are afraid of rejection...the letters i get from people are cries of just that.... you know who you are and i find the fact that you can come to me and pour your heart out, a first step in realizing you have worth..you are worthy of my listening, worthy of my friendship.....we can have friends, and a family and they don't have to be the ones we are born into...all of us here...we are family, a family of intelligent people with hopes and dreams and needs and wants...seeking laughter and knowledge thru the words of others....let today be the ending of the false image...go for the gusto....even if it is a tiny peek into the world...one window, one door...heal your inner child, take away the shame he feels....you are a beloved child of your higher power, you don't have to hide any more.... i will greet this day with love in my heart and how will i do this? henceforth will i look on all things with love and i will be born again. i will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet i will love the rain for it cleanses the spirit. i will love the light for it shows me the way; yet i will love darkness for it shows me the stars. i will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet i will endure sadness for it opens my soul. i will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet i will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge. og manding Kathi © April 20, 1999 Kathi on Littleton,Colo.: Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy. ~ O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console, To be understood as to understand, To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life. St Francis of Assisi God Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr friends.... i have no answers, no cheerful thoughts tonight....just prayers.....take what time you would have used to read and absorb my words and use that time to meditate....and if you have children...and they ask questions..talk to them...but more importantly.....hug them, kiss them and hold them tight while saying over and over mantra like.....i love you...i love you...i love you....in fact...i believe love is the answer so tell anyone you love, that you love them....you can never say it enough..... Kathi © April 21, 1999 some people actively retain illness and energy blockages, usually because it is more convenient or familiar to live this way caitlin matthews one thing we seem to say a lot is that our life is someone else's fault...we know what we need to do and what is needed to do it, but because we are not quite ready we blame someone else for our discomfort....the battle rages...our desire to move on against need to remain safe...rage and blame are sometimes symptoms that a change is in the works.... blame and resentment keep us cemented in the role of victim..we become blinded..anger begets adrenaline which begets strength...but in our efforts to avoid we blame and get mad then we are all shot up with adrenaline (fear and anger) until we are drugged by our own bodies chemicals.... getting nowhere....wasting a lot of precious time blaming others for our going nowhere... it would be good to find some quiet inlet where the waters were still enough for reflection where one might sense the joy of the moment rather than plan breathlessly for a dozen mingled treats in the future kathleen noris finding a way to resolve anger can be difficult...especially if we are not ready for it to be unmasked....you have to find the force within you..it can be...sometimes we need to pull back and play a little....let the inner child dance and sing...we are much better company if we are doing what we like to do....sometimes there are other alternatives.... he wanted to hold onto his fury to guard it like a treasure he would not let it be stolen from him... but already, he felt it slipping, softened by ben's compassionate touch joe johnson and nilo rodis jamero we have all heard of a glass blower...he takes glass and with a very long tube he melts the glass bending and shaping it into objects...sharp edges are like our anger...things that bother us..sharp edges...and we bump into them all the time...the heat of love and compassion can melt the anger...sometimes it takes the form of sympathy for our selves or others we love but usually it is compassion that melts the anger and seeks and finds the love underneath..... compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity it is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and the deepest reach in his or her search for self fulfillment Arthur Jerrold Kathi © May 11, 1999 forgiveness is a process hulbert l as the smoke clears and we get back to living again, we are tugged and pulled by a force.....all of us have been involved in a situation that rendered us helpless, and had cause to harbor resentments, things we could not forgive.....forgiveness isn't an all or nothing kind of thing but rather a process that takes one step at a time... to be willing is not the same as wanting....we can be willing to forgive but not wanting to do it....if the pain is too much and we are filled with rage, we can start the process by thinking one forgiving thought each day, we can resist resentments, we can make a list about why not forgiving, hurts us more than others and before we know it we are able to forgive...one step at a time.. forgive all who have offended you not for them, but for you harriet uts nelson we all have lists, long ones of the people who have offended us...and the harboring of resentments makes us victims all over again...unless we can let it go and forgive we will continue to be prisoner of our own doings...forgiveness is an act, not a feeling, it may produce feelings but it is an exercise of will and when we chose to forgive....we refuse to be damaged any further by the wrongdoing of others... refusing to forgive is resentment..and to hang on to that resentment is to harbor a thief of the heart...it takes away the will to celebrate, it steals joy... when we practice forgiveness we can deal with our pain, our deep feelings of hurt, our resentments, holding a grudge is a heavy burden that restricts us and holds us back from spiritual growth....and remember there are many times in OUR lives we need to be forgiven.... hate the sin, love the sinner mahatma gandhi when we are wronged, we immediately think the person doing the wrong is bad...all too often, when the crime is horrendous, we immediately hate the person....i believe that every man is born good....but somewhere along the line he gets out of emotional and spiritual balance...the result of a thousand acts of UN kindness....what he needs to balance is a thousand acts of kindness and let it begin with us...find some compassion, some tolerance and empathy as difficult as it may be.... i was so struck by some of the interviews with the students of columbine high school....they are ready to go back..they say not going back gives the power to the killers....they are ready to forgive, they know they have to in order to go on....oh to be so young and so wise...it took me well into my 40's to be such... so it follows that.....if you are harboring any resentment....let it go...forgive...go thru the process....set yourself free.....move on.... he who can not forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass george herbert Kathi © April 27, 1999 when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth arthur conan doyle way too many of us grew up with the feeling of never measuring up...it came from the family, maybe teachers...but the message was always the same ...you will never be quite good enough...the result, we grew up with little or no confidence in ourselves...we can't make people stop saying bad things about us but we can stop listening to them...they only have the power if we give it to them... for so many years i was an emotional drifter...convinced i would always be on the out side looking in....i marched to the tune of a different drummer, usually for my own protection.... we all need approval but some of us more than others and in an unhealthy way, sometimes the need for approval gets so out of control it cannot be satisfied, it becomes an impossibility...when we are able to get rid of the impossibilities we can be free to make decisions based on what is good for us....sometimes, we never will get the approval from the people we want, no one can be perfect and we do not have the power over what others actions or opinion are. when you feel rejected start accepting yourself and then go out and accept someone else sondra ray katy is growing up and away...that is how it should be...but sometimes...ok, most of the time, it feels like she doesn't need me anymore, i have outgrown my usefulness..and she is pushing me away in favor of her new found independence....and sometimes i wonder if i'm good enough, you know the parent thing...the friend thing...she senses it and she becomes the mom, god love her, and reflects back to me what is right about me.... so, okay maybe i am a good person....my friends seem to like me...the kids i teach love me, or so they say...lol....with jelly beans in mind...they can't all be wrong...it is katy's independence that is all, and it is exactly the right way for her to be growing..away....i will always be her base....for little kids we call it tethering....they go out and explore but either come back to the fold or at least turn to check that their safety zone (me) is still there... so often we live in the house of shame, minimizing our achievements...and all too often discounting ourselves...we use the words, "just" and "only"...i only have one daughter, i only won one ribbon, ....i will just eat the leftovers, and fix you a steak...sound familiar...yeah i know, these are ways of saying i don't count....try, i could only have one child, and i got the best.....this is my first time at entering the fair and i won a ribbon, i'm so proud of myself...i don't really want leftovers, let's share the steak.... the way we think about ourselves, determines how we behave and who we become...we are our own architects....no time like the present to start building the dream.... the more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside and only he who listens, can speak dag hammarskjold Kathi © April 28, 1999 for all the times i never said the things i should have, i thank you for all the times you understood flavia life, gotta love it....it turns me upside down, inside out...it makes me pause, whistle, sing and fear.....it can be shared, spent alone and no matter what....you must live it with the same passion that you love.... life is a miracle....it gives birth to itself, that is it's gift to us, wrapped in dreams...delicate yet as strong as gossamer threads....to be enjoyed by the very young and the wonderful not so young... life is abundance...it is castles in the air...filled with seekers and finders....but oh so short, so, do not make waste of it....do not make haste of it...it is a party, it is hope and promise.....not always the way we might like... do not be afraid to show gentleness for that is where life's greatest strengths are found flavia every moment we are alive is significant, and beauty is bursting to be seen and felt...we are dream weavers....each of us has our own tapestry, and each of us a thread in the tapestry of another... life is to be shared, thru love and hope...be a friend or a lover...we share the gift of time, our words are songs and sometimes we need to just give silence...in all we hold memories...only seen by the heart... may your dreams sail high and wide and the child in your heart remain forever flavia LIFE.... love it, celebrate it, hold on to it, even in the darkest of days.... for it will comfort you and keep you and it is for-giving and if you are having trouble with it hold a new born baby take pleasure in the first rose of spring watch your child sleep LIFE...gotta love it Kathi © April 29, 1999 Page Five Back to WW Main