Kathi's Garden Page Five don't try to force anything let life be a deep let go see god opening millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds bhagwan shree rajneesh
sometimes you can just feel things happening in your soul...sometimes it starts with sadness or anger....it is a rumbling...a stumbling...and then one day you wake up and you have grown..evolved...become....
last week i spent an evening with my family..now we aren't exactly close, lots of years between us and i never enjoy myself when i am there....and i come home disparaged....sullen...where is the wally in my june and ward wonderland....
today they came to my home...i cooked and cleaned...and tried with all i had to remain positive...what i know is, it is not them..it is me...i'm the one with the chip..i don't fit in, i am the nerd of them family, the ugly duckling..because my newsletter and paintings and poetry don't make money they are worthless to them..they have no understanding of the hows and whys i sit here day after day....they grew up sisters....i was like a step sister, coming many many years after they were grown....but today.....
today they were in my space, my circle of knowledge....i showed them the computer, took them to some of my favorite places...read them some poetry, let them look at my newsletter....i felt in control....we laughed and made jokes...and tho i knew it was just this day, this hour, this moment...it was.
fate chooses our relatives we choose our friends jacques bossuet
they are gone now...and next year they will come round again and we will continue i the circle...they have each other, i have my
as man thinks, so does he become every man is the son of his own thoughts cervantes
Kathi © April 19, 1999
life is not the way it's supposed to be. it's the way it is. the way you cope with it is what makes the difference virginia satir
yesterday's garden was pretty heavy hitting..sometimes so is life...i hold no punches....but today, a turn about...imagine for just one moment it is quiet where you are....your mind scattered with unsettling thoughts...get rid of them....tell them to go now....
as you sit there feel a blanket of peace cover you, let the solitude heal you...as your body starts to calm down see yourself in a garden....
you are the flowers....feel the heat of the sun on your back and hear the cheer of the butterflies and they sweep soflty across the sky
we all need strength for survival...the ability to meet the daily challenges of life when nothing else seems to work is drawn from the river of strength....it comes to us through prayer, sometimes in what we read, and hopefully, often, it comes from friends and family...
i get my strength from watercolor rainbows and the soft fall of rain upon the window....i find it in the sunrise and the sunset..the twinkle of stars...from those i love, from watching katy grow and most important from my higher power....
strength is...unwavering, replenishing, it is essential and without it none of us could survive....it is a cornerstone and a back bone..
find strength and courage in patience through adversity and the starlight within life songs
in your darkness a light still flows, soft and in the night it gathers strength..and waits with patience for the new day, in quiet and peacefulness...
nature teaches us that there is success and sureness of soul in patient repetition....it can be seen in the wind that builds the sand dunes, and the river that carves out the canyons, for gold to achieve its beauty it must first pass through fire, diamonds, brilliant over time and pressure...the times in our lives that are the most difficult are the very one that shape us, mold us and bring us closer to what lies within....
listen for the voice that speaks of what you know inside your soul..it tells us if we have forgotten something or if we are afraid..it is that voice that knows you better than anyone...listen....
with courage you will dare to take risks have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble courage is the foundation of integrity keshkavan nair
Kathi © April 13, 1999
I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday......
So much of the time we feel unworthy..of love...of friendship....guilty and ashamed. I know I feel a lot of shame from being abused sexually by my dad....I know it wasn't my fault but sometimes it gets the better of me..and I persecute myself for letting it happen. Then it gnaws at me...eats away at my self esteem and I can't always see how far I've come.
Any of this sound familiar, it doesn't have to be something like abuse..everyday doubts will do it as well....We become afraid to feel good.
Well, my friend, it takes courage to look back down the road and see how far we have come from darkness into light. If we can gather that courage it will reap its own rewards....
When we give credit where credit is due, desire and the willingness to investigate those corners of darkness, we have something to celebrate.
Facing the demons of guilt and low self esteem require great courage.....I am an expert at this..trust me..*smiling*Looking forward as well as back the task becomes even more courageous.
It is not where we came from, or even where we are, that tells the story. It is where we are going that gives rise to hope.....
It is always such a good feeling to hear my heart shout.."I'm getting there! I'm doing just fine!"
It is your validation of me and the support that helps me claim my self esteem....We all need validation....thank you for all the support you give me.....today at school...i had to confront a weakness, and ask for help from a teacher who thrives on feeling like she knows more....but I was able to say, it is not a fault to be weak if I have the courage to confront it and build strength from it. She treated me with respect....and had good ideas....it was a win win situation....
I cannot give you courage or strength you have to give it to yourself....but I can give *smiles* and hugs ^{{{{to my friends}}}^ and any support you need.....just ask......
Have a wonderful day may you get as many smiles as you give and may your cup overflow with enough love you have some to give away.
Kathi © April 14, 1999
let there be a sanctuary where my spirit feels secure a place reserved for a calm and quiet where my heart is strong and sure a place where all my thoughts are free to contemplate the sky a refuge to restore my faith and give me strength to fly lifesongs
sometimes it takes me hours to search my heart til i find the words..tonight that happened..and i asked myself why...well, i am tired, and i had to be with my family last night and celebrate katy's birthday with her friends tonight....lots going on at work...far behind at home..
so, to get away from it all....i have to go deep into places i rarely have time for...my imagination...it is a game i play, always have..since childhood i learned at an early age i had to be my own family...i could only depend on myself..so i pretended all the time....so tonight i will pretend for a minute with you....you can come along if you like or stay behind and watch....but the point is, i am human, like you i get tired and sad and angry.....so come with me to my quiet place....
i am at home at the ocean....it scares me...and i can't put my head under the water, my father used to put a pillow over my face when he came into my room so i can't go under water, dentists terrify me...but as much as it terrifies me..it soothes me, comforts me....it is the good the bad and the ugly...like so many things in our lives...
i think we need to figure that out..that in the height of happiness, there will be something ugly...and deep in the well of anger we can ladle up some laughter....it is how we are made....not all bad not all good....a balance..sometimes we get out of balance....
when i want to get inside myself i go to the ocean, for me it has adolescence memories...they make me feel good....
i park my car and get out...i have nothing to gather...solitude needs no baggage...i begin to walk down the sandy hill of the beach, i hear people laughing, and the faint sound of the waves as they rush to shore...i can smell the salt and see the gulls in flight against the sky...
my feet sink into the sand and i can feel the heat of the sun as my feet slow down and sink into the footprints...i walk to the edge of the water and i know how cold it will be still i stand as the foam runs toward me....as if my toes were tiny rocks to crash upon...i step backwards...we both tease the waves and i..and suddenly i am that teenager again...and i can hear and feel the moments...
i look down and see my footprint, there is a hollow impression of my heel and a fan like spread of toes...the rush of waves fill my footprint and as they do i send all my worries to the tips of the toes and let them gently roll back out to sea...every speck of sand a worry or fear....and one grain at a time they disappear...
the waves dance again upon the smooth shore and this time i let all the responsibilities and worries tumble into the water in sweet release...the shore smooth and glassy....my mind at peace....my breathing rolls in and out with the tide...i am lulled by the ocean and relaxed...
i look up..and there in the horizon a sky so wide and so blue..my eyes reflect its glory...i am a part of this nature, this world...and i am okay
go WITH the pain, let it take you... open your palms and your body to the pain it comes in waves like a tide, and you must be open as a vessel lying on the beach, letting it fill you up and then, retreating, leaving you empty and clear with a deep breath..it has to be as deep as the pain.. one reaches a kind of inner freedom from pain, as though the pain were not yours but your body's the spirit lays the body on the alter anne morrow lindbergh
Kathi © April 15, 1999
for each of us there is a deep place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises within these deep places, each one holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling andre lorde
it is beautiful spring weather here in sunny california....it is a day to throw open the windows, take a deep breath and cleave to the notion that....you are alive....for what ever reason...you are alive....
deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. when someone receives us with open hearted, non judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand
there is never a time i don't have a conversation that i don't come way with some kind of wisdom....we need to learn to listen....and to do it without facial judgement....the speakers depend on us...for some, they are trusting for the first time...
so often we dwell on the things that seem impossible rather than on the things that are possible...so often we are depressed by what remains to be done and forget to be thankful for all that has been done marian wright edelman
just for today....for each negative thought counter it with a positive one..instead of being eyeore, be tigger.....look for the silver lining....it is the weekend, you can chose to use it wisely or waste it....for me using it wisely would be to laugh through most of it...
a good laugh heals a lot of hurts madeline l'engle
Kathi © April 16, 1999
who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies erich fromm
this morning to get from my house to my car i had to walk past my roses...i planted them when my dear friend and love, michael died of cancer....i planted them to remind me love and life continue to bloom even in sorrow....last week the bud was small, tiny and fragile...so innocently it continued to grow in spite of the rain and wind....the cold and hot temperatures.....today i see, it is a fuller bloom, about to burst forth....if i stand and wait it will be a watched pot...and you know what they say abut watched pots....so i wait with joyful anticipation of the love and beauty it will give me when it decides to...
robins break out of their shells and struggle to grow, learning to eat and eventually learning to fly, we too struggle, broken hearts, broken dreams...but in spite of the struggles we continue to grow and find comfort in a higher power just like the robins find warmth near the body of their mother...
spring does not ask an audience, but shapes each blossom perfectly, indifferent to applause joan walsh anglund
in spring, the flowers come in their own time and bring with them shape and color...fragrance...lilacs with their heavenly aroma and lucious lavender color...the blossoms of the trees, white, pink....each unique...
no one stood in front and said...bloom...and they don't bloom because they are getting something....indeed, i think they are the givers..and we should be thankful to them...but they bloom just for the joy of blooming...that is what they are here to do...
everyone one of us...so like the flowers of spring, we bloom in our own time...we have a unique personality, color and fragrance, as the flowers do...each of us special and important....we are all part of the tree of life....
spring follows winter..and i know there are some of you shaking your heads....not so sure....but it will be here...i had a friend tell me, oh yes, spring is here, the flowers just have snow on them....seasons are predictable...we are not so...spring is a renewal....a rebirth....from the dead of winter, easy for some but not for all....and there is no guarantee of a springtime of the spirit....we have to choose it...and as much as that may seem dreadful to some..i see it as being glorious...that we would indeed choose a springtime of spirit....rather than continue to live in the dead of winter....there is a reason the saying goes...hope springs eternal..
as some of us begin to pass from the dead of winter of our souls to the hope of spring...stop and smell the flowers....you should recognize yourself among the blooms...at least in MY garden....spring has sprung in my life and my garden.....because to you....
she who loves her garden has a very special treasure... for she has found her private paradise. unknown
Kathi © April 22, 1999
in fact the word enchant comes from the latin incantare, meaning "to sing or chant magical words or sounds." jonathan goldman
music sings, words ring out, i cannot imagine the singing sound of gun fire....sounds have ceased...but deep in the hearts of those who lay nose to ground, or stuffed like sardines in closets lulled by the sound of shots, it will never die....
i have not said much in regards to the senseless killings that plagued the world and, in some cases continue to plague, this past week...
what can i say that has not been thought or said....katy came home today, yes she got her license....but brought with her hard, bitter feelings....she is angry...her father's family lives far away, coupled with her father and his wife, they are people who seldom see her and know nothing of her life....bits and pieces....but nothing of hopes and dreams..and suddenly she was in the throngs of accusation....she was accused for wearing the color black, for wanting her body pierced, for the music she listens to......when i began to talk about the senseless murders in colorado, her eyes welled up with tears.....yet her heart beat an angry beat...she is a teenager amidst raging hormones and now grouped together with" our youth of today" if we are confused imagine how confused "they are"...she is able to admit now...the tears are because she realizes her association with the gothics and trenchcoated kids in her school could have led to much worse than it was....it could have been her....them....
today, she sings a new song.....and it is that song that carries her through her daily life....it is a joyful song.....the song of a teen and her journey from dark to light.....a song so many of her peers will not sing.....so, we must sing it for them.....
music has the capacity to touch the intermost reaches of the soul and music gives flight to the imagination plato
when we are wounded and have no words...music speaks to us...it becomes the great healer..we don't know it but we often reach to music when we are emotionally drained...i play classical music at nap time so the kids can be lulled to sleep....as i rub their backs...i can feel the tension leaving my body, my breathing settles.....
i have music on all the time....it sets my mood but does more..it raises me up..lifts my spirits....it brings me harmony....is it any wonder why we call it a heart "beat"...it has been proven that the beat of the heart can slow another persons heart down...when i have a child out of control...i bring him to my chest..his heart pressed against mine...and i hum or i think about the ocean in its ebb and flow, a waterfall, flowers that sway in the meadow..and as my heart beats a rhythm..it steadies the heart of the child..calms him down.....
the peace for which every soul strives and which is the true nature of a higher power and the utmost goal of man is but the outcome of harmony hazrat inayat khan
in the wake of this last week, we will need to begin the journey back to the promised land....it will be easy for some difficult for others....with open hearts and our song we can create harmony...we are creative children, each of us an instrument....a note, a song....if we are going to heal the world of its miseries...we will need a song...music is the medicine...
in the days and weeks to follow...i ask you to find your song....search your heart....it may be one of anger, disbelief, sorrow....don't discount one of laughter or joy....life does go on...our journeys continue....do not sit in silence....turn on the radio....the stereo....and sing....i did in church this morning and felt so much better....for me song is a form of prayer...
sing in the car....sing in the shower....sing on key, off key...but let the spirit of the song lift you.....this week my song will be..."i believe"...i believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.....i believe that even in the darkest night, a candle glows...and i believe as a nation, as the world...with love and song...we can be free...and live in peace...
"oh i am one voice, and i am singing, oh i am one voice and i am singing....oh i am once voice and i am singing....i will not be stilled"
Kathi © April 26, 1999
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