The Pre-Teen
Discovering Your Child's Learning Strengths by Thomas Armstrong, PhD One important key to helping your child succeed in school is to become a "strength detective" at home! Make a list of all the wonderful things about your child. Include information about special talents your child may possess, such as musical or artistic abilities, positive qualities your child demonstrates, including attributes such as creativity, courage and curiosity. And don't forget to list things that your child is really interested in, like sports, reading or science. Then spend some time with your child -- going over the list, and talking about "positives" in his or her life. Make sure to ask him/her what he likes best about himself or herself. Encourage your child to keep a scrapbook of photos, artwork, school papers and other items having to do with accomplishments and abilities in his life. You may be suprised to see what a difference these things make in your child's general attitude. Research suggests that when children feel better about themselves at home, their ability to succeed in school improves at the same time. Questions to Ask About Your Child's Teacher by Thomas Armstrong, PhD Early in the school year, make it a point to set a meeting to observe in your child's classroom and to talk with his teacher privately after school. Here are some questions to ask yourself at the end of the day: Does the teacher get involved with the kids, roving around the room, helping individuals? Or, does he stand in front of the classroom, lecturing at everybody much of the time? Does he use a variety of teaching methods - lecturing, asking questions, demonstrating, telling stories, using humor, engaging children in active learning? Or, does he mostly talk at kids, correct papers, and deal with discipline? During your private meeting with the teacher, did you find him focusing more on your child's accomplishments and abilities, or dwelling instead on his problems and deficits? These questions will help you decide whether this teacher is compatible with your child's learning needs. If he's boring, rigid, negative, or punitive in his teaching style, then you may want to shop around for another teacher for your child. Teaching Self-Esteem by Evelyn Petersen Each of us is "shy" in some instances and "outgoing" in others; this is normal. If you EXPECT your child to be "shy" (or "withdrawn") you will be reinforcing this behavior and making it happen more often. Focus on and praise your child's strengths. Self esteem is a powerful force which will impact your child's success and happiness throughout his or her life. More than any other factor, self esteem or self image influences our attitudes about what we can or cannot do, how we cope with problems, and how we get along with others. Self esteem is a blend of the way we feel about and "see" ourselves, as well as the way we believe others see us. A strong self image helps a child feel BOTH lovable and capable. A child's self esteem is strongest when parents nurture BOTH love ability and capability. Feeling lovable means that the child feels loved and worthwhile just because he or she exists in this world, not because of something he or she can do. You help a child feel lovable by praising things that are intrinsic or unique to your child's personality, like his sense of humor, friendliness, persistence, or creativity. Feeling capable means that the child feels strong and competent, and proud of his or her ability to do or achieve things. Feeling capable has to do with life skills...things like being able to wash and dress oneself, help with household chores, get ready for bed independently, and know the names of colors. Here are a few points to remember: As an adult, you know that every person is unique and special; your child does not know this. Teach him how and why he is unique. Praise is only valuable when it is genuine and descriptive. Use meaningful praise that describes what you notice, like, or approve. When children are allowed to do as many things for themselves as possible, they feel proud and competent. Moms and Sports by Evelyn Petersen A mother in the northeast wrote to me recently lamenting the fact that she and her son were growing apart due to his involvement in football and her genuine lack of knowledge about the sport. She was seeking advice on regaining the level of closeness that she and her son had once enjoyed. Learn more about the game so you can talk about it with genuine interest. Showing you care about something so important to him will open new doors of communication for you. Some football coaches are trying to help moms in your situation; pass this idea on to your school and coach. Coach Troy Guzikowski of Reed City, Michigan got this idea from coach Bob Knight in Kalamazoo who has been "coaching football moms" for years. This year Troy offered evening sessions on football for all mothers of team members; the response of moms was so positive that attendance will probably triple next year. One mother, Gail Mis, told me that at her son was really proud of what she had learned. "Now I can understand the terminology, my son's position on the team, and follow what he does in the plays. I can even watch Monday Night Football with interest and talk with my guys about what's happening. I even learned about what he should eat before games and in the off season and why! Now that I know more about what they do for protection, I feel relieved that football is safer than I thought." Mother Dorinda Crane agreed with Gail that Coach Troy's sessions improved family communication and made her relationship with her son even stronger. "My son would go over my notes with me after each session and we'd talk. I am so excited about what we learned that I hope we can watch some game tapes next year. Then we can see in action what Coach Troy shows us in diagrams. Every football mom would enjoy this project." Contents of Coach Guzikowski's three sessions were impressive. One was devoted to the game, its rules, what offense and defense are all about, and the most common plays, including information on the different positions and the particular talent needed for each one. Basic referee signals and penalties were covered in other sessions, as were nutrition and sports medicine. Learning more about what to do at home and why was helpful and reassuring to moms. Coach Troy told me this project was rewarding in many ways. Coaches willing to teach moms about football will be happy that their boys and mothers have a new shared interest; the boys get extra positive reinforcement for their performances; and mothers who are positive and excited about football talk to other mothers, providing both recruitment for the team and a potential force for fund raising and community support. Hooray for coaches AND moms who get involved in sharing and learning about their children's sports! How to Help your Pre-Teen Develop a Healthy Body Image by Kathleen McCoy, PhD It's sad, but true that many teenagers, especially girls, dislike their bodies--often feeling fat and unattractive, even when the mirror shows otherwise. This self-criticism and poor body image can be a factor in the development of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia. It can also be the beginning of dieting followed by weight gain, resulting--with time--in long-term weight problems. The best time to help your child develop a positive body image is well before the teen years. Recent studies show that girls in the primary grades--those as young as six, seven and eight--select "ideal weight" drawings significantly thinner than their own body shape, demonstrating that our unrealistic cultural ideals of feminine beauty have a negative impact early on. Other studies have shown that young girls whose parents, particularlyu their mothers, criticize their weight, body shape and appearance, are more likely to develop eating disorders in adolescence. What can you do to help your child feel good about himself or herself physically? First, point out the fact that healthy, attractive people come in all sizes and shapes and help your child discover what she likes about her body (instead of focusing on what she thinks isn't perfect) Second, keep your comments positive and realistic. A girl in early puberty (which can occur, in some, as early as nine or ten) may experience a significant weight gain as the normal body shape changes from angular to rounded. This is a normal passage of adolescence and should not be viewed with alarm and criticism by parents. It can help to reassure your daughter that her new shape is a positive sign of many more changes to come as she grows from little girl to woman. Third, if your child--either a daughter or a son--is overweight, seek medical help and advice. If a physician determines that the child does, in fact, need to lose weight, changing the family's eating and exercise habits to make such change easier for the child is helpful. Emphasize good health and fitness as a family instead of singling out the overweight child for a special regimen. Family health and togetherness--rather than attractiveness--can be a much more positive goal. BACK
by Thomas Armstrong, PhD
One important key to helping your child succeed in school is to become a "strength detective" at home!
Make a list of all the wonderful things about your child. Include information about special talents your child may possess, such as musical or artistic abilities, positive qualities your child demonstrates, including attributes such as creativity, courage and curiosity. And don't forget to list things that your child is really interested in, like sports, reading or science.
Then spend some time with your child -- going over the list, and talking about "positives" in his or her life. Make sure to ask him/her what he likes best about himself or herself. Encourage your child to keep a scrapbook of photos, artwork, school papers and other items having to do with accomplishments and abilities in his life.
You may be suprised to see what a difference these things make in your child's general attitude. Research suggests that when children feel better about themselves at home, their ability to succeed in school improves at the same time.
Questions to Ask About Your Child's Teacher
Early in the school year, make it a point to set a meeting to observe in your child's classroom and to talk with his teacher privately after school. Here are some questions to ask yourself at the end of the day:
Does the teacher get involved with the kids, roving around the room, helping individuals? Or, does he stand in front of the classroom, lecturing at everybody much of the time?
Does he use a variety of teaching methods - lecturing, asking questions, demonstrating, telling stories, using humor, engaging children in active learning? Or, does he mostly talk at kids, correct papers, and deal with discipline?
During your private meeting with the teacher, did you find him focusing more on your child's accomplishments and abilities, or dwelling instead on his problems and deficits?
These questions will help you decide whether this teacher is compatible with your child's learning needs. If he's boring, rigid, negative, or punitive in his teaching style, then you may want to shop around for another teacher for your child.
Teaching Self-Esteem
by Evelyn Petersen
Each of us is "shy" in some instances and "outgoing" in others; this is normal. If you EXPECT your child to be "shy" (or "withdrawn") you will be reinforcing this behavior and making it happen more often. Focus on and praise your child's strengths.
Self esteem is a powerful force which will impact your child's success and happiness throughout his or her life. More than any other factor, self esteem or self image influences our attitudes about what we can or cannot do, how we cope with problems, and how we get along with others.
Self esteem is a blend of the way we feel about and "see" ourselves, as well as the way we believe others see us. A strong self image helps a child feel BOTH lovable and capable. A child's self esteem is strongest when parents nurture BOTH love ability and capability.
Feeling lovable means that the child feels loved and worthwhile just because he or she exists in this world, not because of something he or she can do. You help a child feel lovable by praising things that are intrinsic or unique to your child's personality, like his sense of humor, friendliness, persistence, or creativity.
Feeling capable means that the child feels strong and competent, and proud of his or her ability to do or achieve things. Feeling capable has to do with life skills...things like being able to wash and dress oneself, help with household chores, get ready for bed independently, and know the names of colors. Here are a few points to remember:
As an adult, you know that every person is unique and special; your child does not know this. Teach him how and why he is unique.
Praise is only valuable when it is genuine and descriptive. Use meaningful praise that describes what you notice, like, or approve.
When children are allowed to do as many things for themselves as possible, they feel proud and competent.
Moms and Sports
A mother in the northeast wrote to me recently lamenting the fact that she and her son were growing apart due to his involvement in football and her genuine lack of knowledge about the sport. She was seeking advice on regaining the level of closeness that she and her son had once enjoyed.
Learn more about the game so you can talk about it with genuine interest. Showing you care about something so important to him will open new doors of communication for you. Some football coaches are trying to help moms in your situation; pass this idea on to your school and coach.
Coach Troy Guzikowski of Reed City, Michigan got this idea from coach Bob Knight in Kalamazoo who has been "coaching football moms" for years. This year Troy offered evening sessions on football for all mothers of team members; the response of moms was so positive that attendance will probably triple next year.
One mother, Gail Mis, told me that at her son was really proud of what she had learned. "Now I can understand the terminology, my son's position on the team, and follow what he does in the plays. I can even watch Monday Night Football with interest and talk with my guys about what's happening. I even learned about what he should eat before games and in the off season and why! Now that I know more about what they do for protection, I feel relieved that football is safer than I thought."
Mother Dorinda Crane agreed with Gail that Coach Troy's sessions improved family communication and made her relationship with her son even stronger. "My son would go over my notes with me after each session and we'd talk. I am so excited about what we learned that I hope we can watch some game tapes next year. Then we can see in action what Coach Troy shows us in diagrams. Every football mom would enjoy this project."
Contents of Coach Guzikowski's three sessions were impressive. One was devoted to the game, its rules, what offense and defense are all about, and the most common plays, including information on the different positions and the particular talent needed for each one. Basic referee signals and penalties were covered in other sessions, as were nutrition and sports medicine. Learning more about what to do at home and why was helpful and reassuring to moms.
Coach Troy told me this project was rewarding in many ways. Coaches willing to teach moms about football will be happy that their boys and mothers have a new shared interest; the boys get extra positive reinforcement for their performances; and mothers who are positive and excited about football talk to other mothers, providing both recruitment for the team and a potential force for fund raising and community support.
Hooray for coaches AND moms who get involved in sharing and learning about their children's sports!
How to Help your Pre-Teen Develop a Healthy Body Image
by Kathleen McCoy, PhD
It's sad, but true that many teenagers, especially girls, dislike their bodies--often feeling fat and unattractive, even when the mirror shows otherwise. This self-criticism and poor body image can be a factor in the development of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia. It can also be the beginning of dieting followed by weight gain, resulting--with time--in long-term weight problems.
The best time to help your child develop a positive body image is well before the teen years. Recent studies show that girls in the primary grades--those as young as six, seven and eight--select "ideal weight" drawings significantly thinner than their own body shape, demonstrating that our unrealistic cultural ideals of feminine beauty have a negative impact early on. Other studies have shown that young girls whose parents, particularlyu their mothers, criticize their weight, body shape and appearance, are more likely to develop eating disorders in adolescence.
What can you do to help your child feel good about himself or herself physically?
First, point out the fact that healthy, attractive people come in all sizes and shapes and help your child discover what she likes about her body (instead of focusing on what she thinks isn't perfect)
Second, keep your comments positive and realistic. A girl in early puberty (which can occur, in some, as early as nine or ten) may experience a significant weight gain as the normal body shape changes from angular to rounded. This is a normal passage of adolescence and should not be viewed with alarm and criticism by parents. It can help to reassure your daughter that her new shape is a positive sign of many more changes to come as she grows from little girl to woman.
Third, if your child--either a daughter or a son--is overweight, seek medical help and advice. If a physician determines that the child does, in fact, need to lose weight, changing the family's eating and exercise habits to make such change easier for the child is helpful. Emphasize good health and fitness as a family instead of singling out the overweight child for a special regimen. Family health and togetherness--rather than attractiveness--can be a much more positive goal.
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