" Writing My Painful Childhood Memories Away."
" Forgiving My On again,Off Again Dad."
When I was born Dec.41 i've been told I was loved and shown off to
all of our relatives,especially by my dad. The pictures I have
of my dad holding me certainly look like a very proud daddy.
Don't know exactly when things started to go down hill with the marriage
but I can only guess it started when my dad joined the Army in May of 1944
I was 29 mos old at the time and my brother 11 mos.
He was sent to Rhineland in Central Europe.
He earned a VICTORY MEDAL ~
EUROPEAN- AFRICAN-MIDDLE EASTERN THEATER ~
RIBBON W / 2 BRONZE BATTLE STARS ~
2 OVERSEAS SERVICE BARS ~
& A ~ GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.
He was discharged Feb. 2, 1946 when I was 4 yrs old
& my brother almost three at the time.
Another brother was born Oct, 46.
Sad to say all the medals he earned
especially the good conduct one
were of NO VALUE once he arrived home.
Don't have any real good memories beyond those years other than the ones
where he and my mom fought and argued a lot. I was too young to understand
back then but eventually found out my dad was a gambler and womanizer.
The last fight I can remember was when she caught him with another
woman and there was this horrible fight in which she picked up something
heavy and whacked him before she tossed him out, clothes and all,
filed for a divorce and got one.
One day my mom and us three kids were evicted for non payment
of rent from the trailer we lived in right on one of my brothers birthday.
My mom having been a stay at home mom had no work skills and
no place to go to live so with tears streaming down her face we were
placed in the County Childrens Home .
She then took on a job working as a Nurses Aide so she could get back
on her feet financially and find us a home to live in.
Mom would always come to visit us on her off days.
.
Dad on the other hand was never around left the state and soon married
someone who liked the same things he did bar sitting,drinking and
did not send any money for child support.
By then I was old enough to not care one way or the other about him or his
wife and glad they didn't come around or have anything to do with us.
I was angered about his having enough money to sit in the bars
but never enough to support us kids
Life went on for all three of us kids as we each married and all went
through a divorce the first time around.
My brothers had children to support after their divorce one of them
sent child support for his 3 kids the other didn't.
I on the other hand caught my 1 st husband with another woman and
was not about to make the same mistakes my mom did.
I promptly filed for a divorce making sure I wouldn't bring any children
into my marriage and put them through the things I had to endure.
Watching my mom get flipped over furniture from his
drunken rages and getting burnt by his cigarettes.
Boy!! did he love those cigarettes which would
kill him years later.
Eventually I remarried but this time I found someone who loved me
and provided for all our needs as we together filled our three childrens
lives with all the contentment and security we never had as children.
Years flew on by and my on again off again dad would call us now and
then crying in his beer to say I love you and miss the grandkids.
Or his wife would call to say your dad had another stroke and is in
the hospital again.
There were times my husband and I would go to see him in the hospital
as I saw no point in holding any grudges ~
" life is too short for it anyway"
The straw that broke the camels back came when after months of not
hearing from him , again he called and asked if we wanted to come out
to visit him , well I chose to once again let the kids see their grandpa.
The next day after calling his house to say we were on our way out to
visit, we put the three kids in the car and drove the thirty or so miles
only to find him not home.
After driving around the neighborhood to see if we could spot his car
and as usual it was parked outside a bar.
His wife told me she needed something for her Asthma ~
asthma my ~ you know the rest of it.
That was the last time he saw any of us or heard from me again.
In 1986 for health reasons my husband two daughters and me
moved from Wisconsin to Arkansas.
Our son stayed there as he had gotten married in 1985.
Life went on for all of us and eventually our two daughters also married
and left home.
I was working full time and my husband was out on
disability and no longer able to work.
One day the phone rang and a strange voice was on the phone asking
me if I knew a Woody Boettcher.
Yes I answered, Why?
She procedded to tell me she came across an old letter I wrote telling
him we were moving South and that his wife had died Feb of 88 .
And that he'd have to be placed in a Nursing Home because all the strokes
he'd been having made it impossible for him to live alone anymore.
She said he was scared to call me himself because I probably
wouldn't want to talk to him anyway.
Now what would I, should I do?
I certainly would of had every right in the world to get even with him
by saying to her ~
" ASK ME IF I GIVE A DAMN "
he didn't give a crap about me or my brothers when we were
growing up and hung up the phone on her.
Instead I CHOSE to talk to him as if nothing had happened.
Once again, I saw no point in hating him,
" life's to short for holding grudges."
Today as I tell this story I have never regretted the choice I made
to fly back to Wisconsin and bring him to Arkansas
to live with my husband and me in Feb of 90.
You see I had worked in a nursing home for six years prior to moving
to Arkansas ~ and no one deserves to be put there to live for
any reason if one has the ability to care for a parent.
.
I saw far too many parents in there over the years with no one to
care about or visit them die from lonliness.
Or kept all doped up to keep them docile and no trouble to care for.
My dad good or bad did not deserve to die all alone for any reason.
" Life's to short for holding grudges."
I CHOSE to make his last days HAPPY.
Before he passed away in Feb of 94 he spent all his time not only showering
me with LOVE he was allowed to LOVE
and be a part of his two grown grandaughters and
by then three great- grandchildrens lives.
Stephan Marcus in July of 89 ~
Chelsey Nicole Aug, of 90 ~
Taylor Marie in Nov, of 91
The love he showered on all of them and tears of joy as
he watched them as babies and toddlers is forever
embedded in my memory till this very day.
On the day of his death I could not stop myself from crying as the
lung cancer was taking his last breaths from his body.
Drowning from his fluid - filled lungs
I felt as helpless as a baby even though I knew
this day was coming I was not ready for it.
All I could do was stand outside his room with his
oldest grandaughter Dawn and sob my eyes out as my
heart was once again breaking.
The person who was holding his hand was our youngest daughter
Jennifer who was working on getting a Batchelors of Science in
Nursing degree and expecting another baby in August.
On Feb 4th, 1994 my
ON AGAIN ~ OFF AGAIN DAD fell asleep in death.
Totally forgiven & very much loved by his
great-grandchildren ~ two grandaughters.
and only daughter me.
Who felt blessed ten - fold having shared 4 glorious years
RE-BONDING
as father and daughter.
Had he lived at least past the month of August ~
Brittany Nicole would of been his Fourth of July
Fire - Cracker.
And Charles Travis Aug, of 94 would of kept him hopping also..
His grand daughter Jennifer who was holding his hand when he passed
away did suceed in graduating from college in Dec of 95
and earned her Batchelors of Science in Nursing.
Somehow I believe in my heart of hearts he knows all
about the things that have occured since his passing.
For I believe this new song thats out now
" THERES HOLES IN THE FLOOR OF HEAVEN."
has very true meaning for me this day as I work on ~
" WRITING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES AND PAIN AWAY"
Just think of all the blessings I would have missed
had I held grudges and told the woman who was
instrumental in bringing him back into my life ~
by telling her ~
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HIM ~
HE NEVER GAVE A DAMN
about us kids or my mom
when we were growing up.
And just hung up the phone.
Someone who chooses to hate anyone
always hurt themselves more than the one hated.
"Life's to short for holding grudges."
The blessings and re-bonding we shared
were the best 4 years of healing the spirit
for him ~ the grandaughters ~ great grandchildren
and me , than the pain of heart of punishing him
by letting him die all alone in a nursing home.
If someone asked me if I would do it all over again
~ I would say yes in
A NEW YORK MINUTE.
Love you daddy
( JEANINE )
Copyrighted on
July 8th, 1999
( N1124632@aol.Com)
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