No Go
When a child doesn’t want to visit his noncustodial parent, it’s important to probe and find out why. By: Heather Millar PARENTING magazine Tommy, a grade-schooler from Texas, always looked forward to visits with his dad, whether they were going fishing, playing ball, or just hanging out. But suddenly one weekend, he refused to go. Dad’s house was boring, he said. It was no fun. His mother didn’t know what to make of his change of heart. Should she force him to go? Or was there a more serious issue behind his refusal? “When a child doesn’t want to visit his noncustodial parent, the first thing to do is put the situation in context,” says James Bray, a clinical psychologist at Baylor College of Medicine. “Sit down to discuss the problem.” Ask open-ended questions, such as: “How do you spend the day with Dad?” Avoid loaded questions like “What don’t you like about your stepmother?” Get answers, then tackle the problem. In some cases, Bray says, a child who complains about seeing his noncustodial parent may be mimicking his mother’s or father’s attitude toward the ex-spouse. The child may be trying to please one parent by rejecting the other. If so, Bray advises that parents make it clear to their children that spending time with both parents is important. “It should also remind you not to bad-mouth your ex in front of your child,” he adds. “It puts the child in a loyalty bind, and it’s also hurtful since she’s biologically half of that parent.” Major changes in the life of the noncustodial parent — a remarriage or the birth of a new half sibling — can also be overwhelming to a child. He may really miss his parent but feel like he just can’t face another change. “Communication is critical here,” says Leah Klungness, a psychologist and the author of The Complete Single Mother. Consider the following when grappling with the problem. Make sure there’s time for bonding. “Suggest to your ex-spouse that he schedule one-on-one time with your child to help ease the transition,” suggests Klungness. In Tommy’s case, he was angry that his dad’s new girlfriend was always around during his visits. Once his father set aside time to be alone with him, Tommy was enthusiastic about visiting once again. Make sure both homes are hospitable. If a child complains that he doesn’t have as much fun at the noncustodial parent’s house or doesn’t feel at home there, the problem may be easier to handle. Klungness recommends that parents find out what their children need to feel comfortable. One solution is to buy extra sets of a few favorite toys so that both houses have plenty of playthings. The noncustodial parent may also want to get acquainted with nearby families in order to introduce the child to kids his age. And parents should realize that routines that worked well for toddlers may not suit preteens. A 12-year-old who no longer wants to visit her dad on weekends may just not want to miss sleepover parties. Keep lines of communication open. Regardless of the situation, Klungness advises parents to maintain good communication for the sake of their children — however difficult that process may be. If ex-spouses find it hard to talk in person, she suggests that they try communicating through e-mail messages or phone conferences. Says Klungness, “Both parents have to participate to make visits happy and comfortable for everyone involved.” BACK
By:
Heather Millar
PARENTING magazine
Tommy, a grade-schooler from Texas, always looked forward to visits with his dad, whether they were going fishing, playing ball, or just hanging out. But suddenly one weekend, he refused to go. Dad’s house was boring, he said. It was no fun. His mother didn’t know what to make of his change of heart. Should she force him to go? Or was there a more serious issue behind his refusal?
“When a child doesn’t want to visit his noncustodial parent, the first thing to do is put the situation in context,” says James Bray, a clinical psychologist at Baylor College of Medicine. “Sit down to discuss the problem.” Ask open-ended questions, such as: “How do you spend the day with Dad?” Avoid loaded questions like “What don’t you like about your stepmother?” Get answers, then tackle the problem.
In some cases, Bray says, a child who complains about seeing his noncustodial parent may be mimicking his mother’s or father’s attitude toward the ex-spouse. The child may be trying to please one parent by rejecting the other. If so, Bray advises that parents make it clear to their children that spending time with both parents is important. “It should also remind you not to bad-mouth your ex in front of your child,” he adds. “It puts the child in a loyalty bind, and it’s also hurtful since she’s biologically half of that parent.”
Major changes in the life of the noncustodial parent — a remarriage or the birth of a new half sibling — can also be overwhelming to a child. He may really miss his parent but feel like he just can’t face another change. “Communication is critical here,” says Leah Klungness, a psychologist and the author of The Complete Single Mother. Consider the following when grappling with the problem.
Make sure there’s time for bonding. “Suggest to your ex-spouse that he schedule one-on-one time with your child to help ease the transition,” suggests Klungness. In Tommy’s case, he was angry that his dad’s new girlfriend was always around during his visits. Once his father set aside time to be alone with him, Tommy was enthusiastic about visiting once again.
Make sure both homes are hospitable. If a child complains that he doesn’t have as much fun at the noncustodial parent’s house or doesn’t feel at home there, the problem may be easier to handle. Klungness recommends that parents find out what their children need to feel comfortable. One solution is to buy extra sets of a few favorite toys so that both houses have plenty of playthings. The noncustodial parent may also want to get acquainted with nearby families in order to introduce the child to kids his age. And parents should realize that routines that worked well for toddlers may not suit preteens. A 12-year-old who no longer wants to visit her dad on weekends may just not want to miss sleepover parties.
Keep lines of communication open. Regardless of the situation, Klungness advises parents to maintain good communication for the sake of their children — however difficult that process may be. If ex-spouses find it hard to talk in person, she suggests that they try communicating through e-mail messages or phone conferences. Says Klungness, “Both parents have to participate to make visits happy and comfortable for everyone involved.”
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