Dear Tina: As for the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I suffer from along with several other things, but I'll start at the beginning and make my way there... I am a 32 year old, single mom, who was sexually abused starting at the age 5, continuing through the age of 14. My mother was the type, who when she didn't want to have sex with whoever she brought home that night, she would send them to my room. I soon learned that fighting and screaming was what they wanted, so I stopped, and that just made them beat me more. I can remember walking up to my mom one morning after she had sent 2 of them to my room and I had black eyes and a bloody mouth, she simply told me I should fight back more and the beatings wouldn't be so bad :o(, At that moment I learned to hate her with ever fiber in my being, but on the other hand I still wanted her approval, weird I know! I told people when it was going on, but she had an excuse to why I was telling them. So no one ever believed me, and it continued. I had to live with it. I left home when I was 14 with the first man that came along saying "i love you" or "I'll take care of you." Which, needless to say, led to several screwed relationships. I was going from one man to another. I got heavier into drugs and drinking I had started d doing drugs by the age of 10 and drinking way before then it just got worse. I finally met a man that was, or what I thought, my knight in shining armor. I found out I was pregnant. He was very happy, but what I didn't tell him was because of my drinking I had been raped by an ex-boyfriend and I wasn't sure who the baby's father was. So along with everything else I blocked it out. To me he was her father. I went cold turkey then, and in less then 30 days I had a baby. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I gained no weight, nothing. Here I was thrown into this world of motherhood and withdrawals, and so was she. When she was 3, I needed to get medical assistance for her. I found out then that he wasn't her father and that my ex was. He was upset, because I hadn't told him. Shortly after we separated. When she was born, past all came back, every time I held her I would flashback to what happened to me; I hated her for it! She made me remember things I didn't want to. One day I realized I had to get help. And, I did. I have been diagnosed as having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder and Agoraphobia [fear of the outdoors). Because every I would leave my house I would freak. I would see the faces of the men that had raped me and i would totally lose it. So I stayed inside I thought it was safer that way. Then I started to realize that my daughter had problems. I saw her being affection to people she didn't know and it made me think how easy it would be for her to become a survivor. I had to find out why or what was wrong with her. I found out she has FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, is a High Functioning Autism, has a hearing impaired and vision problems along with sensory issues. So my past is still controlling my life, and it always will. Even though I am in counseling and on medication -- It doesn't take the dreams away, it doesn't take the fact that I'm scared to death to let a man near to me now. I cant stand the smell of liquor (the men where always drunk when they came to my room). I hurt so many people with lies and betrayal to get what I wanted when I was younger that it is unreal, I wanted to hurt people the way I was being hurt and nothing seemed to work. I ended up with a lot of people hating me, I guess I thought if they hated me, I wouldn't be hurt anymore :o( But, I have changed my life around. I started going back to school (I quit in the 6th grade) and I am now going to college for a degree in social work and corrections. I am the program director for the apartments I live in. I am writing million dollar grants for programs in the complex. I am fighting for my daughter and FAS and making the dangers of Alcohol consumption while pregnant known to women. I have also started a B.A.CA. (Bikers Against Child Abuse) Chapter in Kentucky. We have our own apartment, which is the first time I have ever been alone and on my own in 32 years. We are doing good. My last wish is to be able to take my children to a park without the help of medication and one day I know I will be able to do that! I no longer have contact with my mother, I confronted her about all of this, but she swears (still) that it never happened, but I KNOW it did, I carry the scares from it. I KNOW!!! I hate her for what she did, she let them kill the person i could have become and she took away my childhood. She regrets it now, so i guess, in a sense she is in her own little hell. That is some justice, I still feel at times I need her, approval but when I feel that way I look at my children and remember I don't need it. I am a single mom with 2 wonderful children ages 5 and 15 months. I haven't dated or had a man in my life for 2 years and to be honest it is lonely, but i enjoy it. If i had one thing to say to survivors it is this... It is scary and we sometimes wonder why we are doing this but we are proving to our abusers that they don't have the control over us anymore that we are someone and we will make it in this world despite what they did to us. Its' hard and we're scared to know end but we will do it. That's my story :o( I hope it helps if you need more let me know and you can use my real name along with my screen name if you wish, I'll help in anyway possible, OK, I can also give you my phone number so if you have any questions you can call me just let me know :o) Saula Nelson MeSoSoft@aol.com Thank you Saula for speaking out to help others...... The road you have traveled has been a long tough one, but I am proud to say you are indeed a survivor. ~~~~~~~~~~~ HELLO, FOUND THIS ISSUE VERY CLOSE TO HOME. I WISH THERE HAD BEEN A CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION MONTH WHEN I WAS A CHILD. THE THING IS I DID'NT KNOW HOW I WAS BEING RAISED WAS ABUSE. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WAY ALL KIDS WERE TREATED. MOSTLY IT WAS MY DAD. HE WAS A VERY ANGRY MAN. I UNDERSTAND NOW THOUGH,THAT HE DID LOVE US. HE JUST HAD NO CLUE HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN. ALL HE KNEW WAS HOW HE WAS RAISED. THAT WAS'NT A VERY GOOD PLACE FOR HIM. HIS PARENTS WERE MUCH WORSE THAN HE WAS. WE WERE TAUGHT NOT TO CRY. IT WAS NEVER ACTUALLY SAID.BUT YOU KNEW IF YOU CRIED IT WOULD'NT BE MET WITH COMPASSION. IT WOULD BE MET WITH ANGER. IF YOU GOT HURT INSTEAD OF GETTING KIND WORDS AND KISSES. YOU GOT IN TROUBLE CAUSE YOU SHOULD'NT HAVE BEEN DOING WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WERE DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE. IF YOU DID SOMETHING GOOD LIKE GETTING A GOOD GRADE IN SCHOOL OR JUST ACHIEVING SOMETHING. YOU NEVER GOT PRAISE FOR IT. IT WAS JUST EXPECTED. BUT GET A BAD GRADE OR DO SOMETHING BAD..... OH BOY! THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY. YOU WERE THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH,BECAUSE YOU HAD MADE A MISTAKE. I COULD GO ON AND ON WITH OTHER EXAMPLES,BUT IT'S REALLY NOT NECESARY. THE RESULT HOWEVER,WAS GROWING UP ALWAYS DOUBTING MYSELF,FEELING LIKE I NEVER FIT IN. FEELING LIKE I WAS'NT A VERY GOOD PERSON. AND EVENTUALLY BECOMING AN ALCOHOLIC. THE GOOD NEWS IS EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE STILL AREAS WHERE THIS AFFECTS ME AND I STILL HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO. I AM DOING MUCH,MUCH BETTER. I AM IN RECOVERY. I CAN SAY I LIKE MYSELF.AND I AM STARTING TO LOVE MYSELF. I OWE IT ALL TO GOD. PRAISE JESUS FOR WHERE I AM AND WHO I AM TODAY! YOU WILL PROBABLY FIND THIS TOO LONG TO USE. BUT IF YOU DO'NT YOU MAY USE IT AND FEEL FREE TO EDIT IT ANYWAY YOU DEEM FIT. I DO'NT CARE TO USE MY REAL NAME. SINCERELY YOURS, JGagne4791@aol.com Thank You for your story.......words are the most powerful way's to reach others. I admire your strength....you are a survivor! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wish I was a Grown-Up (On behalf of too many children, by Tracey Warren) I wish I was a Grown-up. Being a kid is just too hard. Grown-Ups are big and powerful. They can fight back if they want. When I fight back, I just get more hurt. Grown-Ups know how to use words. They know how to make people listen, they have loud voices. When I talk, I can't figure out the right words, and if I use my loud voice, I just get in trouble. Grown-Ups can get in a car and leave if someone makes them mad. They can slam doors, drink some beer, and go to the movies alone. When I get mad, it makes Grown-Ups mad, and then I just get more hurt. Mad doesn't work out too good for me. I wish I was a Grown-Up. Some Grown-Ups get money, for food, and for a house. Some don't though. I sure get hungry sometimes. When I'm a Grown-Up, I'll always have a warm house. And food. I'll go to the movies and the mall, and Disneyland. When I'm a Grown Up, I might have a car, but I might get a bus pass like my Mom. When I'm a Grown-Up, I'll learn how to fight and how to be safe, or I might get a gun like my Mom's friend. When I'm a Grown-Up, I can use my loud voice. Maybe then someone will hear me crying. When I'm a Grown-Up, I'll tell lies, I'll wear makeup, I'll have lots of boyfriends, and I'll be the one hitting instead of hiding. I wish I was a Grown-Up. Being a kid is just too hard. Thanks Tracey, for sharing a poem written by you that is sure to impact others. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am dealing with child abuse issues. I was removed from my home at age 14 and I was treated like a criminal. The "justice system" admitted abuse was going on but failed to punish the abusers. It went on for me for atleast 11 years. My mother is a severe drug addict and used her children to get what she wanted. I spent a lot of time in the mental health system while my brother frequents prisons. The mental health system is a joke. I am outraged for the lack of help they provide. I spent 2 and a half years in a state mental facility as a teen-ager because I was a ward of the court and they do not have places for emotionally disturbed people. I feel like I don't fit into this world, I am not mentally ill or a criminal. I am still very troubled by my past because I learned that I should "get over it". I am an adult who is afraid and angered with this society. I attend therapy and healing is a long, painful process as many of you know. I want to have self-esteem and confidence and do something about this war. A federal grant has been given to treat women in jails for trauma. I am on an advisory board to let the professionals know how to treat the women. I certainly know how not to!!!!! I was glad to see this website. We have all been repressed too long. I am trying to learn new ways to handle my feelings. My old ways have been self-abusive and that is no longer acceptable for me. Thanks again for the website. My heart goes out to all of you, Tracy Tracy.......this story is one of much trials and tribulations you have had to overcome, yet you are doing it........keep the strength! ~~~~~~~~~~~ Child Abuse........Survivors Speak, as through sharing they help heal themselves and reach others! I am going on 57 years old and have had long years of counseling to over come the ramifications of child abuse and being a child of chronic alcoholic. It happened in the 50's when there were no laws to protect children, parents could do as they wished and get away with it. My so called step-father, beat me so bruttally that I still carry scars to this very day on my body, and a scar so deep in my heart that it is sometimes to difficult to even imagine that I could forgive. My mother also beat me and let him beat me. She told me so many times that she didn't want me, I was a mistake, marrying my real father, was a mistake and that she should have gotten rid of me. Not only did I have to endure physical abuse, but verbal and physocilogical abuse it is a wonder that I survived and be came the person that I am now. I know that what I learned from all that, was that I would never do to my children what was done to me. And I didn't, I broke the cycle and am grateful that my children will not pass anything like that to my grandchildren. I have become an advocate for children and would not hesitate to report even my best friend for child abuse. There are still times that it comes out and I have a hard time trying to deal with it, then I know it is time to go for counseling again and get my head straight, but all in all I turned out pretty good. I don't use drugs, or alcohol or smoke. I go to church regularly, in fact it has always been my faith in God that kept me going and still does. The unfortunate thing about this whole situation is that my mother is still in denial, as well as the man she is married to and also my half brothers. They haven't come to grips with what went on and won't talk about it and just want to sweep it under the carpet, so con- sequently I am still on the loosing end, because I have had no family since I left home at 17 and at times that is hard to swallow. So Ijust turn to my kids and to God to carry me through and I seem to make it ok. It helps to talk about it and now to write about it also helps. Thanks, Doni ~~~~~~~~~~~ Back to Woman's World To additional Child Abuse Info. Graphic made by Kitten1111 Thanks Kitty and FSB!