Writing about my life

As I am sitting here behind my computer, trying to figure out what to write a lot of what has happened in my life is passing by....and I'm wondering about where to begin. How to pick up the story of my life. That's the beauty of mankind, we all have a story to share :)

I'm the third child of four daughters and I grew up without my father (he left us when we where 6, 4, 3 and 1 years old). Although I do remember my childhood to be careless I still wonder about how it would have been with a man in the house instead of just all girls. Guess I'll never find out, right? School never was a problem and I went to work soon after that was finished.

I used to miss my father a great deal when I was growing up and I always tried to make contact with him. I am now 33 and learned to let go of him, it's a closed book. I moved to another town just before I became 23. The Netherlands are not that big but I moved from one end to the other (about 400 km) and because of that I don't see as much of my family as I would want. My mum and my sisters visit maybe once a year (sigh) and I try to go home 3, 4 times a year. I feel very lonely sometimes....

The biggest impact on my life was the time that I got sick, I was 27 when I felt a lump in my belly. After a series of test in the hospital I got submitted in a haste, there seemed to be a great deal of cancer cells in my blood. Things happened to fast after that.....I woke up after the surgery finding out that I had no more ovaries, I was in my midlife crisis instantly! Worst part of that being that I would never be able to have children.

I tried for years to become a mum, and once I really did get pregnant! Unfortunately I lost the baby after four month's of pregnancy. It took me a while to get over it, had I known then that there would never be another.....Anyway, I focussed on my health....thinking this was the end of it. No more lumps (it was a borderline tumor, which means it can go either way, bad or good) no more pain. The hormones that I take every day keep me from getting too old too soon and make sure that I still have some sort of a cyclus ( I do still have a womb). They're a mess half of the time, and I know that they give me a higher chance of getting breast cancer.....

After five years my former husband and I (I am divorced now) found a donor that was willing to give me her eggs so that I might become pregnant after all. It was a very difficult, heavy time and unfortunately it did not work out. I collapsed after that...knowing that I would never be able to have a child was so hard to come to terms with....It's still difficult at times. My youngest sister has just gotten a little boy (my other sister both have two children), my family has little considiration for my feelings...guess what, my eldest sister once said: "why don't you get a dog?" So much for support right?

Now things have changed completely in my life, after the divorce I went to live on my own for the very first time. Not for long I must add...I have a boyyfriend that shares my hobby for computers and the internet and although he is much younger then I am ( I met him on the internet) we seem to hit it off quit well together. He moved in with me and I think that we will have a great time together!

Well as life goes on I must admit that things have been very dark for the past month's. I "collapsed" at home and when I phoned the doctor because I could not stop crying anymore, his first reaction was that I was probably overworked. So I stayed at home and rested, however, in time things got worse....I had very dark thoughts about my life and felt worse every day. After a couple of month's I went back to the doctor and he said I had a severe depression. I am now being treated with pills and talk to a psychologist on a regular basis. Things have gotten a little better again but I am still not where I would like to be. It all comes down to one thing.....I wish to be a mother :( I know that someday I will come to terms with it, until I do...well I just have to write sometimes.