Luckily my story has a happy ending unlike so many that suffer from this horrid disease. I had a mole on my face that I had taken off so many times that I just got to where I thought what the heck I will just live with this. But my family kept saying "Mom, go have it checked again. "Then one day I was watching TV and the thing seemed like it busted. It kept bleeding so my husband had to take me to the hospital so they could get it to stop. They too said "go and get it checked". (You have to understand why I put off this so much. I had it removed over 8 times. It always came back again. So to me why, it is just going to come back again.)
I finally made an appointment with our HMO doctor and had it removed for the 9th time. About a week later the doctor called one morning and said she needed to see me that day. Although I was expecting a call from the doctor because they were doing a biopsy on the removed tissues, when the call came I was to say the least very scared., so I called my husband. This was the first time it hit me. I was scared. I am not afraid of death, but the unknown scares me to death. The not being in control of my own body.
Off we went to the doctor's office and heard the results of the biopsy…they found cancer cells! This had to be my worst nightmare, come true. The doctor referred me to a cancer specialist.
In the mean time I had already planned a trip to visit my youngest daughter in Colorado with my oldest daughter. At first I wanted to cancel the trip, not knowing if I was up to it. But with persuasion and the fear that this might be the last time I see my youngest daughter and her daughter, I decided to go ahead with the plans. I felt I needed to be at peace and I thought the comfort of family would be the answer.
While I was there it was hard for me to relax and my youngest daughter picked up on it, thinking this or that. But in my mind I didn't know if this was my last time of seeing her and my granddaughter or what. It seems that I fight with them more then enjoy them. This seemed to be the next hardest thing I had to do face the fear of having cancer but at the same time be a parent and be strong. I feel it is hard for children to understand a parent's feelings or emotional strain sometimes. And boy I think I am one of the harder ones to understand. I spoke to them about this but I never can express really how I feel, I guess. It always comes out wrong.
Upon return from my trip, I went to the appointment with the specialist. He told me that the cancer cells that he saw were very rare and that they needed to go back and get some more tissues from it and do a biopsy. My cancer was on my face, my cheek. He told me how he was going to cut it and all. When I came home I told the children, my children were extremely concerned and immediately started doing research to help us all understand what we were facing. The doctor told me that this cancer was very rare, well to me it was like maybe 100,000 case? When he said rare, he meant RARE… 105 cases ever and only 2 % of those were on the face. It is called eccrine poroma. It is in the sweat glands of your body. It is not skin cancer. So that put more even more fear into me. I am the type that when I am this scared I put a wall up and pretend to everyone around me to be saying "Oh no big deal, I will be fine". When inside I am crying out for someone to put their arms around me and say "Don't be scared we will be with you the whole way". For days I would just sit alone and cry and cry. I would cry to the children or my husband, but unfortunately they had so much fear inside it was hard to comfort me. But no one really knew how scared I was. That is the bad side of me, I don't show things how they really are and I mix everyone up.
I did have the surgery. When I saw the scar on my face you could have just shot me there. Why that bothered me more then anything, I have no idea. One day in an email to Kathryn of the Diva, I express that to her. She wrote me back and the words from another diva were put on a picture for me. Then a very close friend and now a diva too enlarged it and matted it and framed it for me. I have it on my TV to look at now.
That is a great reminder for me. My test came back that it is a border line A type. It is not malignant but will be the type of cancer that you watch the rest of your life. Not one that just in 5 years if it shows nothing then I am fine.
My thoughts now are how lucky I am. I had a lot of great friends that helped me mentally. For as I have now seen on the other side of this cancer people. I have known a lot of people with cancer but never walked in their shoes. I only had to walk this time in their shoes for a short time. There is million out there that keep those shoes on longer and never get to take them off. I see this different now. I see the other side of the demon called cancer. I saw how a family reacts, and how you react to them. There were a lot of days when I would feel like I was in a mirror watching everyone. For everyone tells you what you
should do for they love you. And they do have great ideas and you love them for it. But to actually be in the shoes walking around is a different story.
I love my children for all what they would look up. I know I can count on them. I guess I felt like I still was alone. Maybe that is how everyone feels when they are faced with this demon or other demons. You love your family and friends but inside you are still alone. I do know that you do need the friendship from your family and friends, that I did learn because you cannot go through anything alone. Even when you say I want to be alone today you don't. But you are so scared inside that alone is not what you really want. Actually what you want more than anything is for them to be all around you..
And all I know I am a smoker. Now does that hit you in the face. Here you think lady you just got over this why? I can not answer that. It is hard. I just don't know. I have smoked many years. For some reason since all of this I have started smoking more. I guess there is something in me that still has not made piece with this all or something. I do not know. But I do hope some day
I can. To all that don't smoke please no email on that. But it is hard to quit for some. I know all the things on it and heard it all. But I don't know the answer so I will not go on and on telling you why I can't. I know one day I will know.
So I stand tall today knowing that I have gained great knowledge through the walk that I recently took, but I am doing fine and want to thank everyone for their support, prayers and continuous love for me.
If you have anything you would love to tell or share please email me.
To all the people that are continuously dealing with cancer, my heart is with you. Don't give up faith, there will be a rainbow at the end of your tunnel
Thank you Paige for this
Links for Cancer Places
Luckily my story has a happy ending unlike so many that suffer from this horrid disease. I had a mole on my face that I had taken off so many times that I just got to where I thought what the heck I will just live with this. But my family kept saying "Mom, go have it checked again. "Then one day I was watching TV and the thing seemed like it busted. It kept bleeding so my husband had to take me to the hospital so they could get it to stop. They too said "go and get it checked". (You have to understand why I put off this so much. I had it removed over 8 times. It always came back again. So to me why, it is just going to come back again.)
I finally made an appointment with our HMO doctor and had it removed for the 9th time. About a week later the doctor called one morning and said she needed to see me that day. Although I was expecting a call from the doctor because they were doing a biopsy on the removed tissues, when the call came I was to say the least very scared., so I called my husband. This was the first time it hit me. I was scared. I am not afraid of death, but the unknown scares me to death. The not being in control of my own body.
Off we went to the doctor's office and heard the results of the biopsy…they found cancer cells! This had to be my worst nightmare, come true. The doctor referred me to a cancer specialist.
In the mean time I had already planned a trip to visit my youngest daughter in Colorado with my oldest daughter. At first I wanted to cancel the trip, not knowing if I was up to it. But with persuasion and the fear that this might be the last time I see my youngest daughter and her daughter, I decided to go ahead with the plans. I felt I needed to be at peace and I thought the comfort of family would be the answer.
While I was there it was hard for me to relax and my youngest daughter picked up on it, thinking this or that. But in my mind I didn't know if this was my last time of seeing her and my granddaughter or what. It seems that I fight with them more then enjoy them. This seemed to be the next hardest thing I had to do face the fear of having cancer but at the same time be a parent and be strong. I feel it is hard for children to understand a parent's feelings or emotional strain sometimes. And boy I think I am one of the harder ones to understand. I spoke to them about this but I never can express really how I feel, I guess. It always comes out wrong.
Upon return from my trip, I went to the appointment with the specialist. He told me that the cancer cells that he saw were very rare and that they needed to go back and get some more tissues from it and do a biopsy. My cancer was on my face, my cheek. He told me how he was going to cut it and all. When I came home I told the children, my children were extremely concerned and immediately started doing research to help us all understand what we were facing. The doctor told me that this cancer was very rare, well to me it was like maybe 100,000 case? When he said rare, he meant RARE… 105 cases ever and only 2 % of those were on the face. It is called eccrine poroma. It is in the sweat glands of your body. It is not skin cancer. So that put more even more fear into me. I am the type that when I am this scared I put a wall up and pretend to everyone around me to be saying "Oh no big deal, I will be fine". When inside I am crying out for someone to put their arms around me and say "Don't be scared we will be with you the whole way". For days I would just sit alone and cry and cry. I would cry to the children or my husband, but unfortunately they had so much fear inside it was hard to comfort me. But no one really knew how scared I was. That is the bad side of me, I don't show things how they really are and I mix everyone up.
I did have the surgery. When I saw the scar on my face you could have just shot me there. Why that bothered me more then anything, I have no idea. One day in an email to Kathryn of the Diva, I express that to her. She wrote me back and the words from another diva were put on a picture for me. Then a very close friend and now a diva too enlarged it and matted it and framed it for me. I have it on my TV to look at now.
That is a great reminder for me. My test came back that it is a border line A type. It is not malignant but will be the type of cancer that you watch the rest of your life. Not one that just in 5 years if it shows nothing then I am fine.
My thoughts now are how lucky I am. I had a lot of great friends that helped me mentally. For as I have now seen on the other side of this cancer people. I have known a lot of people with cancer but never walked in their shoes. I only had to walk this time in their shoes for a short time. There is million out there that keep those shoes on longer and never get to take them off. I see this different now. I see the other side of the demon called cancer. I saw how a family reacts, and how you react to them. There were a lot of days when I would feel like I was in a mirror watching everyone. For everyone tells you what you should do for they love you. And they do have great ideas and you love them for it. But to actually be in the shoes walking around is a different story.
I love my children for all what they would look up. I know I can count on them. I guess I felt like I still was alone. Maybe that is how everyone feels when they are faced with this demon or other demons. You love your family and friends but inside you are still alone. I do know that you do need the friendship from your family and friends, that I did learn because you cannot go through anything alone. Even when you say I want to be alone today you don't. But you are so scared inside that alone is not what you really want. Actually what you want more than anything is for them to be all around you..
And all I know I am a smoker. Now does that hit you in the face. Here you think lady you just got over this why? I can not answer that. It is hard. I just don't know. I have smoked many years. For some reason since all of this I have started smoking more. I guess there is something in me that still has not made piece with this all or something. I do not know. But I do hope some day I can. To all that don't smoke please no email on that. But it is hard to quit for some. I know all the things on it and heard it all. But I don't know the answer so I will not go on and on telling you why I can't. I know one day I will know.
So I stand tall today knowing that I have gained great knowledge through the walk that I recently took, but I am doing fine and want to thank everyone for their support, prayers and continuous love for me.
If you have anything you would love to tell or share please email me.
To all the people that are continuously dealing with cancer, my heart is with you. Don't give up faith, there will be a rainbow at the end of your tunnel
|
Please sign my guestbook. This is my 4th book
If you cannot hear the music...click
the graphic and download the BEST Midi
Player
on the internet!
And it's FREE!!
