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Pack Humour |
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HOW TO BUILD AN IGLOO
Akela was teaching his Cub Scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Akela. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Akela impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
HOW TO BUILD AN IGLOO (dedicated to Bagheera, our Quinzhee builder)
So you wanna build an igloo? This paper is written for those of you who we fondly call Shamooks which is an old Yidduit word which means (roughly translated) "one who cannot build an igloo" or more precisely "that guy under that big pile of snow over there".
Fear not, Shamook, there is hope for you yet! Read this guide and you are sure to have the most beautiful igloo on the block!
STEP ONE: Step One is very simple. Gather five to ten of the least popular villagers. It doesn't really matter exactly what they look like. They just have to be somewhat slow-witted and they must be generally not so well-liked. IMPORTANT NOTE: DO NOT choose YOURSELF as one of the people for STEP ONE. Why you should not choose yourself should become obvious as you read on.
STEP TWO: Have the villagers stand in a roughly circular formation. Tell them this is a fun game that they will like a lot. Do not worry if they seem suspicious. That is normal for slow-witted unpopular villagers who are about to be engaged in something unpleasant.
STEP THREE: Tell the villagers to kneel and huddle together with their arms on each other's shoulders (facing inwards).
STEP FOUR: Get some friends to help you with this step, Shamook. Now, all of you must quickly shovel snow over the unpopular villagers. It is very important that this step be done as quickly as possible because even slow-witted unpopular villagers aren't completely stupid.
STEP FIVE: Once the villagers are completely covered with a thick layer of snow, the most important part is done. But you still want to be sure that your house is good and solid, so get five or six of the biggest people in the village to sit on your igloo for about six or seven hours. You can sing to them to keep them amused as they sit there.
STEP SIX: Now your igloo is made, but it is full of slow-witted unpopular villagers. You do not want to always have them in your living room, so you must dig them out. Start about three feet from the base of the igloo to make yourself a nice doorway. Now dig those villagers out!
STEP SEVEN - this step is optional: You can now send the slow-witted unpopular villagers home after charging them each about $50. There is usually at least one slow-witted unpopular villager who balks at being charged $50 for being buried under snow for 7 hours. You then explain that this was a personal growth experience and that they now have ULTIMATE POWER and that they have awoken their personal giants. Research has shown that the villagers accept this, happily pay the $50 and go home feeling refreshed, with a renewed zest for life.
STEP EIGHT: Using the back of a standard ball point pen, make designs on your igloo. Most of my Shamook students like to make "snowblock" designs so that their igloo looks like an igloo made by more conventional means.
So there you have it, Shamook. Now, you too can have a great igloo and NO ONE will ever call you Shamook again.
(Circle the option you like)
Dear (Mom, Dad, Grandma/Grandpa, dog, cat, other ________ )
I am here at (Camp Cedars, The Rain Forest, Hot Dog Heaven, other ________ ) and I am sending you this letter because (you told me to write, my tent mate dared me to, it was this or eat another hot dog, I need more money, Akela said I had to, other ________ ).
The weather here is (don't ask, they want me to say great, pretty wet - we start building the ark tomorrow, so hot you can fry an egg on Tabiqui's head, so bad that we have to have thunderstorm drills twice a day and even the raccoons head for the ditches, other ________ ).
Today we (played in poison ivy, learned first aid after taking wood carving, learned that a latrine is deep and you don't go after a dropped flashlight, other ________ ). I also (made Baloo jump in the lake in his Scout uniform, ate too many Twinkies, lost grandpa's compass, learned a new song - but I can't tell you the words because I will be in BIG trouble, other ________ ).
You oughta see my tent. Did you know that (bugs can see in the dark, a mouse is funny - in someone else's tent, raccoons really do like Lifesavers, other ________ )? My tent mate and I share our tent with (457 spiders, 5 snakes, 1,849 mosquitoes, 984 flies, 76 moths, something dead, other ________ ). We went canoeing yesterday. I didn't know that canoes (tip so easy, sink so fast, don't hit rocks really well, haven't any brakes in case of waterfalls, other ________ ). Raksha does inspection each morning. I lost points because (my kit was messy, my kit was gone, I was still asleep in my bag, she slept in and I woke her, other ________ ).
I really do miss (my cat/dog/other family pet, brother/sister, mowing the lawn, school, air conditioning, real food, other ________ ). But the leaders here are (wonderful, outstanding, fantastic, all gone into town, standing right behind me, other ________ ). I'm going to enter a camp contest to (find the most ways to use hot dogs, have the most skin area covered with mosquito bites, go the most days in the same pair of underwear, find who slides farthest in the mud down Blackfoot Mountain, other ________ ).
All week we have been taking special award badge classes. My favorite badge was (Campcraft, Rock Skimming, Burning Marshmallows, Sleep Craft, other ________ ). Parents night is Wednesday. Radha says we'll be having a special meal. We're supposed to have (the green and yellow mush like last night, something dead, I don't know - but she was singing the "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner" song, other ________ ). When you come here, please bring (more money, dry clothes, a case of Twinkies, my Super Nintendo … pleeeease, other ________ ).
Well, I have to go now. We are getting ready to (go on a hike to find Bagheera who is lost, untie Kaa from the tree, give mouth to mouth resuscitation to the camp mascot, other ________ ).
Your loving Cub Scout, ("Chuck", "Woody", "Slasher", "Hey Stupid", I Really Don't Know any More, other ________ )
CUBS LETTER FROM SUMMER CAMP #2
Dear Mom and Dad
Our Cubmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Cubmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Cubmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Cubmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Cubmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Cubmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Cubmaster Walt isn't crabby like some Cubmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up, but Cubmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our Cubmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy fireworks. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
25 THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN AT A KUBKAR RALLEY
- Wheels fly off in various directions
- Car doesn't move when starter handle is flipped
- Car takes the lead then stops a hair short of finish
- Car leaps from track colliding with onlookers
- Parent won't let Cub or anyone else touch car
- Two Cubs think they both made the same car
- Car is whittled down so much that it falls apart going down track
- Car is so heavy it won't move
- Smart Cub drills hole in rear and inserts booster engine with remote controlled igniter
- Stray dog enters through open door and borrows a car to use as a chew toy
- Car has an obscenity painted on it
- Car loses one wheel crossing the other tracks knocking each of the cars off track
- Little brother/sister puts bubble gum on axles to help hold on wheels
- Pack has pit crew to help with last minute adjustments; e.g. adding or removing weight,
lubricating wheels, etc. Leader removing weights accidentally breaks car into pieces
- Cubmaster announcing race with microphone who ate too many baked beans at Pack
concession stand makes an un-scoutlike raspberry sound - every one looks at him and no one
sees which car crossed the finish line first
- Tacking nail holding center strip in one lane comes lose and as car heads down, it
suddenly pops out and the warped strip pops up flipping car in the air
- Car has so much oil on axles that it creates an oil slick all down the lane, closing it
for the rest of the race
- Truck Race results in feud between the leaders that lasts for decades
- Nobody will claim one of the cars and it races to victory as the great unknown winner
- On the great race day everyone shows up and the track assemblers discover that a section
is missing
- On the great race day everyone shows up and the track assemblers discover that a section
that was used in the school display window has old cars glued in place thanks to a
thoughtful den leader
- Cubs panhandle for coins to get enough weight to weigh down their cars to the maximum
- After winners are announced three Cubs show up and want to know when the race will begin
- Pack has family races after Pack races are done, two adults get in a fight over whether
one cheated on weight or design
- You have the big one (heart attack) when the car your son actually made all by himself
wins beating the ones crafted in design shops
YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR SCOUTING TOO SERIOUS IF…
- You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur de lis hood ornament
- Your favorite color is "olive drab"
- You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house
- You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party
- You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt
- You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting
- You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official Cub Scout pocket knife until the cop said "thank you"
- You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days
- Your son hides his copy of Leader Magazine from you
- Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper
- You trade your 25 foot center console fishing boat in on that great little `15 foot canoe
- Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" staring Fred MacMurry, and you spent months trying to convince Disney to release it on home video
- You managed to find that 8th day in the week
- You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method."
- You sneak a cup of "bug juice" after the troop turns in for the night
- You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together
- Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable
- You think campaign hats are cool
- You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 deg F for Christmas
- You name one of your kids Baden
- Your favorite tune is "Camp Granada" (hello mudda.....hello fadda) by Allen Sherman
- You can recite the Cub Law and Promise backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat
- You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip they were about to release a microwave accessory for their camp stove line
- You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-locked bag
- You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book
- You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter
- You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter
- The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner
- Your are convinced the center of the universe is Camp Tall Pines
- You were disappointed when Leader magazine didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year
- The Cubs in your pack chipped in to have you abducted by a professional cult de-programmer.
THE SCOUTERS WIFE AND THE SCOUTERS MOTHER
- If your laundry routine includes inspecting for shoulder tabs ... you might be a Scouter's wife or a Scout's mother.
- If a dab of Coleman fuel behind each ear is more alluring to your husband than Chanel No. 5 ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your laundry routine includes inspecting for blue cards in shirt pockets .. you might be a Scout's mother.
- If a Thursday night family dinner consists of Whoppers in the car in the church parking lot .. you might be a Scouter's wife and a Scout's mother.
- If you cook a nice pot roast for supper for the Scoutmaster because he came straight from work to a Leaders meeting at your house, and then heat up the leftovers for your husband when he gets home, ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your most memorable vacation with your husband was being the only woman in a crew of nine men and boys on the Colorado River .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If you spend your honeymoon wearing green shorts and knee socks ... you might be a new Scouter's wife.
- If your husband mutters in his sleep about a ticket, and you know we hasn't just caught speeding .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If you've converted your dining room into an office, and your garage looks like L.L. Bean's attic .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your husband's tan line starts just above his knees, and ends three inches below his knees ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If you have shelves of coffee mugs, and you don't drink coffee ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your best china cup has a 1865 Jamboree logo on it .. you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your husband has disappeared, and you know you can always find him at Price Club trying to get a deal on #10 cans of peaches for cobbler ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If you tell your husband you are expecting to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, and he thinks the Leaders meeting is at your house tonight ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your husband brings home three rolls of red-white-and-blue ribbon to be sewn into Mothers' ribbons, and says "Don't worry, the Court of Honour isn't until tomorrow night and we only need 15 made" .. . and you don't have a sewing machine ... and you get it done ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If your family car seats 8, even though there are only 4 in your family ... you might be a Scouter's wife.
- If the money collected for your memorial is used to but an air compressor for Scout Camp, and everyone thinks that is just right ... you were a Scouter's wife.
Copywrite: Chuck & Nancy May, June 1996. Permission granted to circulate freely within the Scouting community for non-commercial purposes.
- All your food, cloths, and tents smell like smoke
- You carry everything to camp and still leave something at home
- You go camping just to get away from home
- If getting to camp *IS* the big adventure (been there)
- If your backpack weighs more than you do
- If your new freckles looks likes ticks
- Your camping trip is too wet, too dry, too hot, or too cold
- Your cooking fire resembles a bon fire
- The first thing you did with your first Scout knife was cut yourself
- Your socks are considered toxic waste after Cub camp
- The best meal you had on the campout is the McDonalds hamburger on the trip home
- You need those stinking badges
- Your favorite bank is next to a river
- Your favorite pool has fish in it
- You attend your school dance wearing khaki and a neckerchief
- You know 101 uses for a shoelace
- You drink bug juice
- All your camping gear actually fits in your backpack
- You have the urge to help little old ladies...whether they want it or not
- You have holes in the pockets of your jeans from carrying a pocket knife
- You begin to think half frozen French fries, don't taste all that bad
- You keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner
- You spontaneously break into strange songs in public
- You can stare at a spider web for an hour, and not notice the time
- You carry your own toilet paper wherever you go
- You always read by a flashlight
- Your radio is always tuned to the weather station
- You horde tent stakes
- You wear 2 pairs of socks to bed
- You keep a lantern hanging outside your bathroom door
- You sleep under a trash bag
- You cannot walk by a piece of trash without picking it up
- You carry a duffle bag size first aide kit in your car
- You continue to wear it until it stands on it's own
- You're always counting how many matches you have left
- You tie up your little brother, and he can't get loose
- You see paint samples in a store and immediately want to name things in nature with the same colors
- Your pots and pans are all black.
- You roast mini marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle, put it on a golden graham with one square of chocolate, just to get the flavor
- You always cook enough food for twelve
- You always have a cup hooked to your belt
- All your dishes have little pieces of egg stuck on them
- You own little bits of every color felt
- You open letters with a pocket knife
- You have something on your shoe...and you're sure it's only mud
- You wear bread bags on your feet
- You know 365 one pot meals
- When opening large gifts you survey the box wondering if you have a piece of foil large enough to cover it
- You buy your shampoo in little tiny bottles
- You order pizzas 14 at a time
- Everything in your cupboard says "Instant, just add water"
- Your neighbors hide when they see you going door to door with "that order form" again
- You have to go to the restroom and you start looking for a buddy
- You really do use those emergency sewing kits
- You go to someone's house for dinner, don't like the food, and ask if they have peanut butter and jelly
- You tie your shoe and check the handbook to se if it can go toward earning a badge
- You see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle
- You know 100 uses for a bandana
- All your shirts have pin holes in them
- You wear thongs in the shower
- You actually own the book, "How to Sh*t in the Woods"
- You have a collection of used candles and dryer lint.
- Someone asks for a volunteer and you find your hand is already in the air
- Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off
- You can't remember which hand to shake with in the office on Monday morning
- You really love your self-inflating sleep pad
- You have the end of every rope at home backspliced or whipped
- You correct someone who says "Gee, I used to be an Cub Scout." and then get him to volunteer in your Pack
- You deeply understand the potential of a group working together
- You camp for a week in the summer with about a dozen old guys who are over 40 hundreds between 9 and 12 and the whole thing works!
- You know you have brothers all over the world
- Your garage is full of what you used to consider trash, that you now consider raw materials for arts & crafts projects
- You have your own desk & filing cabinet just for scout related paperwork
- If your calendar is full of meetings that you never forget, but can't remember to send a birthday card to your brother-in-law on time
- If you have the local Scouting office on speed dial
- If you stop by other people's house on trash day, rescuing items you can use
- You know all the best yard sales and thrift shops
- People don't recognize you when you're not in uniform
- If you turn down a raspberry almond torte for a spoonful of DO peach cobbler
- If you find yourself discussing the relative merits of internal- versus external-frame packs on a date."
- If most of your wardrobe is olive drab or khaki
- If your "microwave" is a box wrapped in foil
- If your gourmet meal consists of cornbread, "Spam," and bug-juice
- If your idea of a burned-out lightbulb is a broken mantle
- If your front door has a zipper instead of a deadbolt
- Your last birthday cake was prepared and served in a Dutch Oven
- If you've ever heard the phrase, "Trust me, it's only an hour a week!!"
- If you're the only one on your block with a fire pit in your backyard
- If your "family vacation" includes 30 kids your wife/husband doesn't know
- If the trash collector has ever requested that you not hang your bags between the trees in the parkway
UNIVERSAL LAWS OF CUB SUMMER CAMP
LAW #1 The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent remaining.
LAW #2 The distance to a given campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.
LAW #3 Any stone in a hiking boot will migrate to the point of maximum pressure.
LAW #4 The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the poison ivy content in the local vegetation.
LAW #5 Members of the opposite sex are only encountered while dealing with diarrhea relating to LAW #4 above.
LAW #6 The area of level ground in a given campsite diminishes as the need to make camp becomes finite.
LAW #7 Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N = the number of stakes required to stake down a tent.
LAW #8 When utilizing a mummy bag, the urgency to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. (There is also a correlation that is inversely proportional to the temperature + the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped).
LAW #9 Waterproof clothing isn't. (However it demonstrates 100% effectiveness at containing sweat.)
LAW #10 The weight of a backpack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food consumed from it.
LAW #11 When executing the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, the term "hour" should be substituted for "minute" when calculating average quarts per minute.
LAW #12 Average temperature increases/decreases inversely with the amount of clothing available.
LAW #13 When hiking boots are removed, it is not possible to put them back on.
LAW #14 Water bottles that are full when packed, will spontaneously deplete prior to arrival at campsite.
LAW #15 Under any conditions, matches will find a way to get wet.
LAW #16 Under any conditions, everything meant to be kept dry will find a way to get wet.
LAW #17 A single rock located under any tent will also be located under the sleeping bag.
LAW #18 Your side of the tent will always be the side that leaks.
LAW #19 Universally, all foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried. (When reconstituting, divide number of servings by two).
LAW #20 All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of a human nose (unless interaction is with human males, in which case branches will also grow at groin height).
LAW #21 The toothpick in a Swiss Army knife evaporates as soon as the box is opened.
LAW #22 The sun sets 3.5 times faster than normal when you're trying to set up camp.
LAW #23 A sufficient amount of dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that the food required for the rest of the trip can be grown in rows between the sleeping bags.
LAW #24 No matter where you're going it is the wrong path.
LAW #25 No matter where you end up it is the wrong campsite.
ALSO SEE UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS (Rain, Poison Ivy, Snakes, Etc.)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CUB LEADER WHEN...
Twenty-five Cubs cheer when you step into the meeting room; then you realize that you are the only one with the key to the games locker.
- You can clearly explain to a misty-eyed little chap why his collection of dead house flies does NOT qualify him for his Collector's badge.
- You can ignore getting hit in the face with a wayward ball. You find that old skit just as funny the 15th time around.
- You're sitting in a restaurant with a friend and he asks you what Scouts of Canada is all about and the restaurant closes before you finish.
- Your Biology Professor thinks you're strange because you're SURE that little Beavers grow up to be Wolf Cubs. -
- Your pack is unusually quiet and you worry.
- Someone offers to shake your hand and you automatically extend the left one.
- The phrase "Group Committee" takes on religious connotations for you.
- A parent comments on the noise in the room and you don't know what he's talking about.
- You're willing to trade your shoes for crest you don't have.
- Someone says "You have to be a bit crazy to be doing this!" and you nod and smile knowingly.
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat "A Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
13. After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.Q: What do you call a boy who's not a Cub Scout yet?
A: Up and Cubbing!Q: When is a scout like a cabinet
A: When he is a cub-bored (cupboard). If you ever see a cub-bored, let me know - they're rare!Q: What do you call a scout holding a Frisbee?
A: A cub and saucer!Q: Why was the cub confused when his Mom showed up in the middle of the pack meeting?
A: He didn't know if he was Cubbing or going!Q: What do you call a scout who carries another scout on his shoulders?
A: A taxi cub!Q: How does a taxi cub move?
A: Low-cub motion!Q: How did the Cub Scout look when he forgot to take his jacket on the mountain hike?
A: Blue and cold!Q: What did the Cub Scout have to do to earn the bicycling badge?
A: A good turn!Q: What did the loyal Cub make for the Parent-Scout bakeoff?
A: Cub-cakes!Q: What do Cub Scouts get during winter camp?
A: Cub-in fever!Q: What's a messy Cub's favorite food?
A: Corn on the Cub!Some Cubs from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the Cubs had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then, one of them saw some fireflies and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights."
Church Bulletin Blooper: The Cubs are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Akela was teaching his Cub Scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why is that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked Akela. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Camping Tips:
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is okay to go into the woods alone.
- You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
- In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.Public Service Announcement for Campers:
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
Tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Two Cubs were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Cub One "Look up. What do you see?"
Cub Two "Well, I see millions and millions of stars."
Cub One "And what does that mean to you?"
Cub Two "Well for one it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. It also tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Last, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it mean to you?"
Cub One "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."Free Fall:
A Grandmother, a Cub Scout, a Teacher, and the Smartest Man in the world were on a plane. After a while, it was known that plane was failing and was about to crash. There were only three parachutes, and four passengers. Being the Smartest Man in the world, he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The teacher, also being smart, thought to herself, 'teachers are needed in the world to teach their knowledge to other.' So with that, she took a parachute and jumped out the plane.
The Grandmother, being very wise, said to the Cub Scout, "I am old. I have lived my life. You are still a young boy. Go, and take the last parachute."
But the Cub Scout said, "No, it's okay. There are two parachutes left. The Smartest Man in the world took my backpack."Scary Joke:
Two Cub Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Cubs. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent ... until a few moments later as the Cubs completed dividing out the nuts and one Cub said to the other,
"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."????
Cub Leader: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
Cub: But I want to learn to swim.Survival Skills:
Akela was teaching his Cub Scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Akela. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Akela impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
A Good Turn:
Akela asked one of his pack what good deed he had done for the day. "Well," said the Cub, "My mother had a plate of left over broccoli in the fridge, so I let my baby brother have it."
A Bad Turn:
There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.
Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each Scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.
Needless to say, all of the Cub Scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."
Many of the above are complements of: Cub Scout Pack 114, Jim Speirs' Scouting Page Peanuts Picture ©United Features Syndicated, Inc.
April 25, 2005
