From AFC Maidstone to Tantamount FC (via university, travelling and real world realities like work): The story of a group of grammar school educated juveniles and their dream to form a team of world-beaters
Once upon a time, Pilch saw an ad for a 5-a-side tournament in the newspaper (it was either the News of the World or the Kent Messenger, he can't quite remember). He took said advert into one of Mr. "Horny Thorny" Thornborough's GCSE History lessons. Together, with Sam Charman and Adrian Cope, he vowed to enter a team into the tournament, which was to be held in Rusthall which is Tonbridge or somewhere like that.
The problem was, they had to be official. Thus they came up with an official sounding name (AFC Maidstone seemed official yet slightly continental), but they still needed an official registration number to prove they were a real team registed with the  appropriate Kent authorities. An unnamed player's father, who was a teacher, managed to retrive such a code from their school.
Alas, the tournament never materialised, either because the player's fathers were unwilling to drive them or because there simply were no spaces left in the tournament. Whatever: they had the basis for a team and they were damned if anyone was going to take it away from them. So, somehow, they soon ended up strutting their unique brand of football in the Larkfield Leisure Centre league. Too lazy to replace the official sounding name and too unimaginative to think of a humerous/clever name, that was that: AFC Maidstone was born and had gone competitive.
They entered Larkfield League as boys; they left as boys, albeit slightly-older and heavily-bruised ones. Their record: Played 38, Won 4 (one of which by default), Drawn 1, Lost 33. That doesn't include two cup defeats either. 18 of those defeats came in 18 first season games: an impressive 0% record. Second season acquisiton Ryan Charman chalked up 20 of the 29 goals scored in the second season and entered the footballing record books.
After 2 unspectacular yet thoroughly enjoyable seasons at Larkfield, Anthony Attwood took the team name, kit and many of the players to Mote Park's league, where they stayed for almost four years. It was never the same: players came and went; players would turn up and pay only to be told by Attwood that they couldn't play, and then blaming it on a 'team decision' rather than his own personal refusal to sacrifice himself. It was less about the team and enjoyment, and more a vain attempt at winning some matches. How they fared, no-one in these parts quite knows.
Now here we are in 2006, and the boys are back - in several senses. The OPGS crew, on one of their many visits to an unnamed trendy wine bar in Maidstone, vowed to get the team going again. The name changed to Tantamount FC. After the question of team name was posed in the pub, The Spence almost instantly piped up "Tantamount". He later admitted to having invented the name 3 weeks beforehand and keeping it to himself. An 'FC' was added to make it sound slightly like a football team name. We were all agreed; Sam and Pilch accepted it purely on the basis it contained the word 'mount'. The ingredients for this footballing recipe are as follows: mix  three ex-AFC legends (Sam Charman, Michael Pilcher, James Spencer) with one ex-GAP man (Alex Jacobs) and garnish with two newboys (Robert 'Modders' Moody & Ben Howarth) and serve. Tragically the old blue kit no longer fitted as university expanded player waistlines, so they choose Yellow T-Shirts because a) that's what colour Brazil wear and b) they were reduced to £1 each in Primark. £2 T.J.Hughes socks completed the ensemble, white to match the white socks of - you guessed it - Brazil!
The big kick-off is on the November 26th 2006; their last competitive game was in late April 2001 (and a 9-0 defeat no less). With just one training session prior to kick-off and a five-year absense from 5-a-side, they could be in for a bit of a shock. Shocked they may be, but they'll no doubt have one hell of a time doing it. Up the Mount!