(Written for my ex, Jen with a few lines that are specifically about my new girlfriend, Joanne)
The guilt rushes me all day long. Having never been down this road and wondering how a confused person such as myself could do something like this to another person? Was it my confusion that led me to this guilt or the sheer fact of being so incredibly unhappy that lead me to feel this guilt?
She cries and grieves and I wonder how she could possibly want a person like me?
She smiles and giggles with delight and I wonder how she coupld possibly love a person like me?
And the guilt rushes back to me for wondering and the guilt comes back to a piece of me and send me into confusion.
I'm longing to take her pain away. And I'm longing to start a new life with her.
And the guilt of leaving one behind is eating at my inside. And the guilt of loving one so much while the other cries is eating at my insides. And the love I have still....I can't feel guilty about.
(Written for Jen)
I watch myself crumble to the floor as she grows cold and starts her silent cry to truth and wonder what's she thinking? What's really going on with this situation and why does she feel the way she does?
How can I help her to understand where I'm coming from and know that my words and thoughts and action come from my heart? I begged for my chance and she up and left, leaving my bags packed on the floor for me to gather and walk out the door.
I sat in silence that day wondering if it's okay for me to go on with the life I've chosen and wondering how many of her tears will hit the floor before she's okay.
And I know that her tears continue to flow from her eyes and she speaks to me with a loving heart. And I know that she longs to be back in my arms.
She listens in silence as I speak of others. As I speak of my love for another and sits there, in her pain of it all and waits for my return. She wonders how much of the words that come out of my mouth are true and where her life is to go from here.
I sit and wonder what life has to offer and if I can provide all the things to people like I've tried to do before and have failed at.
And I feel guilty for the way I do. And I feel guilty for the ways that she feels. And I feel love in my heart and know....there's nothing else for me to do.
(Written for my ex, Jen)
I watch and read her thoughts of anger showing across my screen like some weird sorted out movie. And I listen to the cries through the phone and hear the words she says as she begs and pleads for things that another can give her but she longs for from me.
And she screams and she shouts and writes the words out like a poem or a song that pounds rhythmically in your head all day long and longs for me to understand.
And she continues to write and I continue to ask questions and she grows from angry to cold, warm to happy, and sad to crying. And yells because I ask and screams because I don't ask....