Buffy Quotes, Season I
Welcome to the Hellmouth: Part I
Xander: I kind of had a problem with the math.
Willow: Which part?
Xander: The math.
Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a babbling idiot?
Xander: No, it's ... uh ... not you.
Buffy: You're like a textbook with arms!
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?
Giles: Dig a bit into the history of this place and you'll find there's been a steady stream of fairly odd occurences. I believe this area is a center of mystical energy. Things gravitate toward it that you might not find elsewhere.
Buffy: Like death?
Giles: Like werewolves, zombies, succubi, incubi ... everything you ever dreaded was under your bed and told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real!
Buffy: What, did you send away for the Time Life Series?
Giles: Uh ... yes.
Buffy: Did you get the phone?
Giles: The callendar.
Buffy: First of all, I'm a vampire slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you kill 'em.
Giles: I'm a watcher, I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh come on! Stake through the heart, a little sunlight ... it's like falling off a log.
Welcome to the Hellmouth: Part II
Buffy: So, you like to party with the students? Isn't that kind of skanky?
Buffy: As soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could've just voom.
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.
Giles: Maybe you could wrest some information from that dread machine. (Pause) That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.
Giles: The earth is doomed!
The Witch
Giles (about cheerleading): You've enslaved yourself to this, this ... cult?
Giles: Do you ignore everything I say as a rule?
Xander: People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this ... ooh, stretchy ... Where was I?
Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience.
Xander: Who said I was pretending?
Giles: That's the thrill of living on the hellmouth! There's a virtual cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage ... pardon me for finding the glass half full!
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide till it goes away.
Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale!
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her?
Willow: "Witches: Historic Route to Modern Practice" checked out by Alexander Harris.
Buffy: "The Pagan Rites" checked out by Alexander ...
Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think!
Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander: Oh, well, uh ... I guess it is what you think.
Giles: Let me be sure I have this right ... this witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells ... so that she can become a cheerleader?
Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.
Teacher's Pet
Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Xander: Those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who can do.
Buffy: That's all cryptic-guy said. Fork guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.
Giles: This computer invasion that Willow is performing on the coroner's office - one assumes that it is entire legal?
Buffy: Of course!
Willow: Entirely!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here. Didn't see it. Couldn't have stopped you.
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Buffy: It should simply be plunge and move on, plunge and move on!
Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
Giles: While the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday ...
Giles: My calculations are precice.
Buffy: They're bad calculations! Bad!
Giles: I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and show!
Buffy: OK, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Buffy: I won't wear my button that says, "I'm a Slayer! Ask me how."
Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning?
Giles: I hid.
Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. We have to stop him before he reaches the Master!
Buffy: But ... cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!
Buffy: When I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time!
The Pack
Giles: You just run along to class, while I wait for the feeling to return to my arms.
Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting.
Willow: It was like the heimlich, with stripes!
Giles (about Xander): It's devistating. He's turned into a 16 year old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.
Buffy: Giles, I'm serious!
Giles: So am I, except the part about killing him.
Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
Buffy: I can't believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me!
Angel
Willow: How is it that you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on.
Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight til six researching it.
Willow: No, I was sleeping.
Xander: Buffy, come on! Wake up and smell the seduction! It's the oldest trick in the book.
Buffy: What, saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
Xander: Duh! I mean, guys will do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath!
Willow: It was pretty impressive ... although later there was an ick factor.
Buffy: My diary? you read my diary? That is not ok! A diary is like a person's most private place! I ... you don't even know what I was writing about! Hunk can mean alot of things, bad things! And, and when it says that your eyes are penetrating, I meant to write ... bulging!
Angel: Buffy ...
Buffy: And A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It ... it stands for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy has nothing to do with you at all!
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh! Oh.
Willow: So he is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's ... not.
Willow: It is kind of novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die and ... oh what about the children? ... I'l be quiet now.
I robot, - you Jane
Jenny: I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join in the 20th century ... with 3 whole years to spare!
Willow: I met him online.
Buffy: On line for what?
Xander: I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I could say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander: OK, but I can also say that I'm an elderly dutch woman. Get me? Who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly dutch chatroom?
Giles: Well, I've examined it. You can , uh ...uh ... skim it.
Jenny: Scan it, Rupert. That's scan it.
Giles: I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the idiot box.
Jenny: That's tv. The idiot box is tv. This is the good box.
Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the middle Ages.
Jenny: Did you ever leave?
Giles: Well, it's been so nice talking to you.
Jenny: We were fighting.
Giles:Must do it again sometime. Bye now.
Jenny: The first thing we do is form the circle of Kaylas, right?
Giles: Form a circle. But there's only 2 of us. That's really more of a line.
The Puppet Show
Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational chice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.
Buffy: Giles, to every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show.You cannot escape your destiny!
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least helped.
Buffy: Nah. I think I'll take on your traditional role and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow: And laugh.
Snyder: Kids today need discipline. It's an unpopular word these days. I know principal Flutie would've said kids need understanding, kids are human beings. That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Giles: My investigation is somewhat hampered by a life in the theater.
Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles. Talent show ... murder?
Cordelia: All I can think is, it could've been me!
Xander: We can dream.
Nightmares
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay ... we'll party!
Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids.
Xander: They're from the Middle East?
Giles: I can't read.
Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like, three languages!
Giles: Five, actually, on a normal day.
Willow: Why is this happening?
Giles: Billy.
Xander: Well that explanation was shorter than usual. It's Billy! Who's Billy?
Willow: When Buffy was a campire, you weren't still, like attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you ... I mean that's really bent! she was ... grotesque!
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick. I need help.
Invisible Girl
Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatic event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg, like my pain means nothing!
Giles: I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. Xander, you're not doing anything. Would you like to help me?
Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?
Xander: I would do anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girl's locker room.
Xander (to Cordy): Can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?
Buffy: You know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering looney!
Prophecy Girl
Buffy: Giles, care! I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, ok? I'm wearing a press-on! The least you could do is exhibit some casual intrest. You could go "hmm."
Giles: Hmm?
Xander: I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music ... the music of pain.
Jenny: I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to worry about.
Xander: Do you mind?
Willow: How come she's in the club?
Giles: I've made up my mind.
Buffy: So have I.
Giles: I made up mine first!
Angel: What?
Xander: You're looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that!
Angel: No I wasn't!
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!
Xander: I told you to eat before we left!
Giles: We stay calm, first thing.
Xander: Calm!?
Willow: I think he's right.
Xander: I'm sorry, calm may work for Locutus of borg here, but I'm freaked out and I intend to stay that way.
Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As The soon to be purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go.
Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Buffy: (to the Master): You have fruit punch mouth.
Buffy: Oh, sorry. It's just ... been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah. Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow. Harsh.
Giles: I should have known that wouldn't stop you.
Jenny: So what do we do now?
Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore.
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