A lot has happened since then - after that last night at the District meeting when my appeal was refused to be heard I realised that I wasn't going to get anywhere - and like all things there is a point where you have to walk away.
And what have I been up to?
Well... I suppose I've seen a little of the world. I've travelled a great deal (my bank balance can vouch for that), had lots of new experiences, met some interesting people and I suppose got back to the serious job of living my life. I've changed career a coupla times, been involved in a work dispute (and managed to face down my then boss in the process), had a family bereavement, had a couple of short relationships with a potential third which I am now trying to accept ain't going to happen - yes I've gotten older too. Wiser? Well, I suppose with a little more life experience I am a little. I've also changed home and left behind my tiny little apartment for a beautiful large house. Income wise, I'm a little more comfortable - finally not dreading the monthly thud of the credit card bills as I was able to clear them.
And yet.
And yet I came across some old correspondence with Al-Anon the other day and all the old feelings and frustrations came back to me. And in that moment I came across an old tatty card with the serenity prayer.
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
I cannot change the past. I cannot change how I was treated and how I will be treated were I ever to go back. Yes, it does take courage to change things that you can. Someone once said that knowledge comes from books but wisdom comes from God. And I suppose I did have a spiritual awakening. Before I entered Al-Anon I didn't know you could be banned from meetings, that your personal details would be circulated by Al-Anon staff amongst sick alcoholics leaving you open to physical assault and other unpleasant experiences, that Al-Anon staff would phone the police and get them to harrass you leaving you with no option to put in a complaint against the Keystone Kops to stop the harrassment and ultimately that Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Concepts will not be respected and don't really stand for anything.
Various snooty Al-Anon members used to always say "Oh the Twelve Steps aren't for us, they're only for alcoholics" and I suppose the attitude of Al-Anon is that the Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts deserve an equally small amount of respect.
I don't get them very often but occasionally I've been getting emails from Al-Anon members about their treatment by various groups, some of it quite appalling.
Well, every group is autonomous. And what exactly is the purpose of Al-Anon? I was looking at the price list for their books the other day. It really is quite expensive. Must make them a pretty penny or two. The purpose of Al-Anon? Well, every group is autonomous so the purpose of each group is a decision to be made by each group. Whether that has anything to do with the glossy, expensive Al-Anon publications or the posters plastered everywhere or those expensive Television commercials is neither here nor there...
...because every group is autonomous. And being autonomous they can do whatever the hell they like and GSO and WSO don't give a damn as long as they keep raking in the filthy lucre.
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Well that's it. My Concept V is complete. I just wanted a chance to tell my story and say what happened to me and how I was treated. I was thinking recently that the word "mad" has two meanings - rage and insanity. I was furious when I was banned. I went to Al-Anon totally cut off from my feelings (and completely unaware that I had been). Going to the meetings opened up things I had been suppressing and my being banned enraged me because they started the process of awakening my feelings and then hung me out to try. And the angrier I got the more they fanned the flames. I just wish the lady in GSO had been honest with me from the start and said "Look, love, I'm sorry but the groups can do whatever they like and you're on your own now. Don't bother pursuing this because we don't play fair." I sometimes wondered was it lack of intelligence, were their IQs really that low. I mean, you can't print "We never take away an Al-Anon members right to belong" in the Concepts and then Al-Anon members rights are taken away all the time. That's a contradiction. It's like the two phrases "Do not tell this to anyone. Francisco, yes, you may tell him." They both contradict each other.
Were they really that stupid? I realised that perhaps they were. Only a fool tries to reason with an idiot.