PART 4 - The Group Conscience Meeting
Well, the 1999 convention had been an absolute disaster. I learnt a great deal from it. I had no idea how sick everybody in Al-Anon was (it is still a continual shock to me as I constantly find out how sick they are eg the local Al-Anon Information Centre told the judge that they had no obligation of confidentiality regarding my membership of Al-Anon - but more on that later...)
Anyway, after the convention I realised that even though the Al-Anon idea of "Detachment" was wrong, and had been misunderstood and overemphasised, many people in Al-Anon were extremely bitter towards the alcoholic and therefore this was an easy idea for them to apply to their life ie detach from the alcoholic. After all if you hate someone, you detach, don't you?
I also realised that the purpose of Al-Anon was not to help the alcoholic achieve sobriety. I also learned later that Al-Anon was also not a recovery program (nowhere in The Twelve Traditions does the word "recovery" appear - The Twelve Traditions are a definition of what Al-Anon is).
The autobiography of "Lois Remembers" had churned up a lot of painful memories, especially the false medical description on page 8, and the deliberate mistakes littered throughout the biography (eg Anne Smith did not die in 1948) made it obvious that Lois was up to something.
It never ceases to amaze me that when I point out the mistakes to Al-Anon members they always say "Well, nobody is perfect, so she made a few mistakes" or "She was an old woman when she wrote that book", implying that she was senile.
The POINT is that the mistakes were inserted deliberately for a reason and Al-Anon members in their denial (a common feature) refuse to accept that the mistakes were deliberately inserted. Those that do accept that the mistakes were deliberate usually say "Does it really matter why she wrote that? She died a long time ago."
What frustrated me so much about Al-Anon was that in the meetings there were all these women moaning about the drinking alcoholic and they were being told to detach, and that they were powerless over the alcoholic (as if!) and I thought "Well, given that it is such an easy thing to do if you helped him to get sober perhaps you wouldn't have so much to moan about". I have since realised that they were enjoying their martyrdom and at least many Al-Anon members have had the honesty to say in the meetings that after the alcoholic achieved sobriety they wished he was still drinking as at least that way they were in control.
Anyway, after the convention I decided to focus on myself and give the Al-Anon members the right to be wrong and the right to give out wrong advice and the right to practise a wrong program.
I attended an Al-Anon meeting a couple of days after the convention. The minute I walked into the room the gay laughter ended abruptly, there was a stunned silence and everybody stared at me in shock. I could smell fear. I stood for a moment not sure what was happening. The secretary who was holding a cup of tea came forward and offered it sheepishly to me and said "Would you like a cup of tea?" I accepted graciously and thanked her.
I then sat down beside an elderly lady. I noticed she was the only one who hadn't shown any fear but I since learned that she was new to Al-Anon, hadn't been to the convention and therefore had heard no gossip about me. She was there because her son drank and I chatted away to her about the AA Big Book. She had never heard of it.
The meeting progressed, there was the usual embittered sharing from the hardened Al-Anon members (I mentally switched off), the elderly lady beside me shared about her son and I listened sympathetically to her plight.
Then the secretary looked at me and snapped "Do you want to say anything?" I was a little taken aback by her attitude and my feelings were deeply hurt. However, I proceeded to share saying that I realised I had been blaming people who had hurt me in the past and it was now time to look at my future and what I could do myself. I noticed that the members were exchanging bitter glances with each other and one woman was making noises while I was speaking. I cut my sharing short. I chatted with the elderly lady after the meeting, telling her where she could buy the AA Big Book, and then went home.
I usually went to the Al-Anon group which met in the local Al-Anon Information Centre the following day but was unable to as I had an appointment with my lawyer. However, I went the following week.
As I entered the office I was met at the door by the secretary who had abruptly ended the Al-Anon meeting held at the convention. She glared at me and demanded to know why I was there. "The same reason I am always here, to attend the meeting" I replied. I entered the room and was surprised at how many Al-Anon members were there. I noticed that the Al-Anon member who had met me at the door was gossiping with the Office Manager of the Al-Anon Information Centre - and they were both looking in my direction.
The Office Manager then came towards me and asked to speak with me in her private office. I was a little puzzled but agreed to speak with her. I entered the room and she sat beside her desk. I noticed that she was looking down and wasn't making eye contact with me.
"I know that some times you call in to purchase Al-Anon literature but I am afraid I must ask you not to come to the office any more," she said. I realised that what happened at the closed meeting in the Convention had not stayed there (who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here) but rather was being used as ammunition against me. Realising that the woman was very frightened and had stammered when she made the request, I decided that it was pointless to argue so I agreed to her request.
"How can I purchase literature?"
"You can speak over the intercom and someone will bring it down to you."
"What about the Al-Anon meeting held here, can I still come to that?"
"That is a matter for the group to decide."
I wished her well and left her private office.
I went back to the main room and waited for the meeting to begin. I noticed even more members had come into the room, which was now very crowded. There were even some men present which was unusual for an Al-Anon meeting.
The secretary began the meeting and said "A group conscience is now going to be held and if anyone wants to leave, they can do so now." She looked directly at me, and so did everyone else. I was a little surprised at the group conscience being called as two weeks notice had not been given, and one wasn't due for a while anyway.
The secretary continued "This group conscience is being called to discuss Tradition One." I noticed everyone had a copy of the booklet "Twelve Steps and Traditions" in their hands. The secretary turned to another member and invited her to speak.
The member began to discuss the closed meeting held at the convention and my sharing at it. She had only joined Al-Anon about a month before and it was her first convention. She discussed my sharing and gave her two cents worth about how disgraceful it had been when I became upset etc etc etc. On and on she droned.
After she was finished, I began to speak and the secretary interrupted me and said I was not allowed to talk (deja vu). There was some debate among the members, eventually I was allowed to talk. I apologised for losing my cool at the convention but explained that the false description of the skin-grafting on page 8 of "Lois Remembers" had triggered flashbacks of my alcoholic father's burning.
"Don't try that on with us", snarled the secretary.
I apologised again and said that in future I would try to remain calm.
The secretary then announced that a vote would be taken to ban me from the group. I pointed out that under The Twelve Traditions I could not be banned. I said that if I was banned then the unity of Al-Anon (ie unity = including everyone) would be broken. They then retorted and said that Tradition One was about progress for the greatest number and that unity meant what most people felt comfortable with. They said that most people in the group were not comfortable with allowing me to attend the Al-Anon group. I told them to go to another group if they were "not comfortable" but they said they wanted to go to a group I was not allowed to attend. I then offered to remain silent at the group and not share. Another member spoke up and said "No, there would be an atmosphere".
Another member spoke up and said "I don't think that this is right" but she was in the minority.
I was asked to leave the room while the vote was being taken.
I waited outside and was very quickly called back in again. Another member said that the vote had been taken, and that pain was pain, and nobody had a monopoly on pain. She told me I could no longer attend the group.
I was appalled. "You're banning me?! You're banning me?!" I couldn't believe it.
The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem with alcoholism in a relative or friend, but if we take a dislike against you we will kick you out.
I turned to the sanctimonious Al-Anon member (the one who gave the little speech about nobody having a monopoly on pain). I told her that I had confronted an Al-Anon old-timer and asked her if she realised that the "Detachment" was the wrong advice and the Al-Anon old-timer had agreed that it was, and then laughed at me. The sanctimonious Al-Anon member looked straight at me and said "That's just her opinion". I gasped in shock and said "You'd rather stay sick!" Realising that I had lost this particular battle, I left the building.
I contacted GSO the following day ...