It is one of the most painful secrets that women share. The cultural ills of poverty, abandonment, single motherhood, and polygamy intensify this pain for African women. In the film "Waiting to Exhale", when Loretta Devine's character candidly shared her codependent attachment to her son, because he was "the only man" in her life, so many sisters were moved to shed familiar tears.

I believe that millions of young men are absolutely ruined by their coddling and doting mothers, as much as or more than they are ruined by their toxic/absentee fathers. As an African-American, I know black moms best. Yet, I also know that this tendency to spoil sons is an epidemic that crosses all boundaries of race and class.

Five of my dearest female friends and I lament about this sexist tragedy often. I am a native of Chicago, Illinois. One of my friends is a black Southerner, one is a white Southerner, one is a Sudanese-Arabic, one is an Italian native New Yorker, and the other is a Bajan-Canadian. We are from six very different cultures. Yet, we share the exact same perspectives on this issue.

For the record, there are indeed exceptions to every rule. Let that record reflect that we believe the following to be undeniable rules:

Mothers rear daughters and raise boys.
Girls are bred to be humane. Boys are bred to be wild. Girls are ordered to be virgins while boys are encouraged to be whores. Girls' friends are screened while boys are allowed to run buck wild. Teen pregnancy is the fallout. Girls have sex with boys they love, as instructed, and give birth to their babies. These same boys perpetually sow wild oats, as instructed. This toxic and genocidal imbalance will continue until we teach girls to cherish their selves, lives, freedoms, and sexual prowess precisely as boys do. Boys must be taught that there is nothing divine about being players, and that their sperm is equally divine as girls' wombs.

Mothers demand greater respect from their daughters than from their sons.
Girls are treated like humans. Boys are treated like Gods. Boys are allowed to be inconsiderate, rude, and lazy. Girls are commanded to be responsible and thoughtful. Girls must remember holidays and birthdays with grand gestures. Boys are allowed to fail at even purchasing 99 cent greeting cards, without reprimand, simply because boys are conditioned to fail at sentimentality.

Mothers demand greater financial and emotional support from daughters.
In their classic tune "No Scrubs", TLC lamented about a growing trend of young men living at their mother's homes forever. The vast majority of these men live perpetually rent and chore free. Women who live with their mothers are expected to cook, clean, and pay bills.

Pathetic sons become pathetic lovers and spouses.
Sorry men who never grow up expect lovers to be surrogate doting and coddling mothers rather than partners or spouses. A man who never takes care of himself will never take care of anyone else, including his own bastard children.

Grandchildren created by sons are loved unconditionally.
Boys are allowed to breed with subhuman "baby mamas" from hell. Their demon seeds are loved and embraced unconditionally. If these children are male, they are especially adored. Girls who choose to breed with similarly subhuman and demonic "baby daddies" are usually harassed and rejected. Their children are loved reluctantly and nominally. Daughters who are inept parents are criticized and despised. Boys who are inept or even absentee parents are excused and defended.

Daughters are automatically expected to become caretakers when parents become elderly or ill, irrespective of any personal sacrifices. Sons are expected to do so only if they have no female siblings. And, they are expected to do so only if doing so does not interfere too greatly with their own lives. Daughters are expected to be servile angels. While selfish sons are praised for any iota of charity or nurturing that they display.

I refuse to internalize or encourage the misogyny that rules this world! I will never give birth to children. But, if I did so, I would not instill sexist double standards into the psyches of my children, as most mothers do daily. I would demand that my son have the same character and do the same chores! I would rear my sons and daughters to be equally responsible, independent, and considerate human beings. I wish that millions of other mothers would do the same. Until they do this, true gender revolution will never become a reality.

For more information on sexism, read these books by a favorite author and scholar, Bell Hooks:

Bone Black: Memories of Girlhood

Talking Black, Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black

Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center

Ain't I A Woman: Black Women and Feminism

Breaking Bread: Insurgent Black Intellectual Life

Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics