| 12-5-2005 - Wow, hadnt realized it had been so long since I had written here. I think of this page each year but it seems like what I would say is still the same. It has been 7 years now. Time has flown, the pain has gotten a little easier. This year when we did Joshua's cake, it was hard trying to explain to Hayden, who is 6. We still hang a stocking for Joshua, I have angels on the tree that represent Joshua. I try to keep him close, but it seems harder as time goes on. I pray he knows I love him and his is still in my heart. I am so glad when it is my time to go home, I will have him waiting for me. 11-29-2001 - Three years. Where has the time gone. Three years ago, I could not even imagine being here now. I remember what I was doing three years ago. I knew it was about to happen. We were putting up the Christmas tree, trying to act normal, like nothing was wrong. I didnt want to upset the kids. But I was starting to cramp quite a bit, and my bleeding was picking up. I went to bed, hoping it would go away....... This last year had been easier. I actually feel guilty at times, because I dont think of Joshua all the time anymore. Hayden is sitting her next to me, I often wonder if he is Joshua, sent back to me, just a few months later then originally planned. I still wish I knew why but it is a little easier to just accept that this is what God had in his plans for me. I do think it has made me a little more compassionte, when caring for my patients who are experiencing the same loss, although my heart gets heavy remembering my pain. The memories of the heavy, all consuming pain is still easy to revive. For those of you that are new to this pain, know it will ease. Best Wishes to each of you. To Joshua- I love you, and even though I dont cry for you each night, I still miss you and wish I could be kissing you good night each night and waking up to you lovely face each morning. So until I see you in heaven, I love you. 5/4/2000 - Joshua was due May 9th, 1999. It is kind of tough right now. Knowing we should have been planning a first birthday party. He would have been starting to walk and talk. Saying mommy and giving kisses. I've tried to stay busy and not really think about it...but... today I was shopping and had Hayden with me. A lady asked how old he was and I told her, 7 months. She said, "Oh he's so cute, my son will be one on the 9th, he was born mothers day last year." The hole just burst open and the pain shot through me like fire, but I had to stand there and smile and say "What a nice mother's day present." Atleast this May 9th isn't mothers day. 5/7/2000 - I graduated yesterday and have pinning today, so staying busy has helped keep my mind busy. When I went out this morning Joshua has a new flower blooming in his garden, seems appropriate. 5/8/2000 - I've decided I'm going to work tomorrow. Staying busy this weekend helped me keep my mind off of Joshua 24/7. 5/9/2000 - Working did keep my mnd off of Joshua, until I got off. I bought a cake and we had a "birthday party" for Joshua. Happy Should have been Birthday, Sweethheart. I Love You. 5/10/2000 - Today's worse then yesterday.. 11/24/2000 - Two years ago was the worst day of my life. I can still remember the feelings that overwhelmed me that day. Today is not to bad. 11/29/2000 - Two years ago. I worked today and that kept my mind off of Joshua for the most part. My heart is still aching and I still feel numb to think about it. But the pain is not as bad and I now know it is possible to go on. I still miss him more than I can express in words and I still wonder WHY? We did Joshuas cake ourself and celebrated his life, no matter how short it was. 2-27-2001 - I have been thinking a lot about Joshua lately. I normally think of him every day bit lately I've been wondering again, what was I doing the moment his heart stopped? How could I not know something was wrong? Why did God take my baby and just a few weeks earlier a baby was born and left in a trashcan in a bathroom at the zoo. Wher is the justice there? I'm not angry anymore, I'm just so hurt, so sad. My heart just starts aching and my eyes fill up with tears. I am able to stop the tears fron flowing now but I still just wish I knew why. 4-09-2001 - I was working in Joshua's flower bed today. I was thinking how two years ago I would have been a month from delivering Joshua and working in the flowerbeds. What a funny sight that would have been. The neighbors could have sat and laughted watching me climbing in and out with a very pregnant belly. Instead here I am working on a memorial garden for him. They watch me working in it not knowing how special it is to me. Funny the things that make you start reliving the saddness again. 5-09-2001 - Wow, how time flies. We would have been planning a second birthday party. I am glad I was sick today and did not work. Helping deliver a baby today would have probaly been to much. This year wasn't as bad as last, I planted a new rose bish in his garden. I think I will plant something new and permanent each year until I am no longer able to take care of his garden. I love and miss you sweetheart.!! Home |
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