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My     
Story
My husband and I had three beautiful children and knew we wanted atleast one more.  I had been thinking I wanted to get pregnant in August, but then I was accepted into nursing school to begin in August and decided it would be best to wait awhile to conceive.  The end of August came, but my period did not.  I took a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive.  I was excited, nervous and happy.  All the normal reactions to finding out your pregnant.  I
saw the doctor and found out my due date was May 9, 1999.
Perfect, my last day of class was to be May 5.  I would have all summer to be home with the baby and my other kids.  This was working out perfectly.  I had all the normal first trimester symptoms, nausea, tiredness, aching, and making a hundred trips a day to the bathroom.  No problems.  I had a prenatal check-up at twelve weeks, we heard the heartbeat and everything looked fine.  The next four weeks flew by, the nausea eased and I was beginning to feel the comfort of the second trimester.  I went on Tuesday, November 24 for my next prenatal check-up.  We could not find the heartbeat.  The doctor said not to worry, baby was probaly just hiding.
She arranged for her partner to do an ultrasound, I could see there was no movement on the screen.  He kept looking, and in my head I was thinking keep looking, just keep looking.  Because as long as he was looking, there was hope.  I will never forget when he looked at me and said "I'm sorry."  That is all I heard, it felt like he had jammed his hand into my chest and was squeezing my heart, I felt short of breath.  The rest of it is really a blur, I remember leaving the office crying so hard I could barely see and people were turning to stare.  The next day I went back for another ultrasound to see when the baby had died and see what needed to be done.  They decided they could do a D&C and scheduled it for the next Monday, because this was the day before Thanksgiving.  Over the next day I convinced myself they were wrong and I would not have a D&C.  Friday I started spotting, it got a little heavier Saturday.  Just before midnight on Sunday November 29, my baby was born.  He was a perfectly formed little boy.  With his head at my finger tips his legs fell over my wrist, he had all the right body parts in all the correct places.  I went into the office the next day for a check-up and so they try to find out what had happened to the baby.  We were lucky, we did find out what happened.  There was a true knot in the umbilical cord.  His blood and oxygen supply had been cut off. 
After I lost Joshua, I had such an array of emotions.  I could not believe this had happened.  I was devastated, depressed, guilty and angry.  So very Angry.  Angry at God, I thought of all the people who have children and don't take care of them.  He gives them children but takes mine, where is the justice in that.  Then I would feel guilty for doubting him after all who am I to questions his actions. There was also the guilt of what had I done?  Had I  eaten wrong, not slept enough, said or did something so dreadful I did not deserve this child.   I cried daily, several times a day.  People who did not know I had lost him would ask about the pregnancy and the pain and devastation would come flooding back.  My friends who had never lost a baby did not know what to say or do.  They often said things that added salt to my wounds and although I know they ment well, I began to avoid them.  I felt so alone.
That said,  there is hope.  Everyone kept saying there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I thought, You don't know what I'm feeling, how can this pain ever go away.  Well, it doesn't go away, but it eases with time.  I do not cry daily anymore, although my heart aches when I think of him, which is daily.  Joshua can never be replaced, but we did have a perfect, healthy son October 2, 1999.  And I know Joshua's spirit is with us and one day I will hold Joshua.
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