Part I

*At times like this, Commander, I’m tempted to kill you. I could phaser you right here and not blink an eye,* Kathryn Janeway thought, gazing at Chakotay from behind her desk as he spewed off reasons she’d been at fault in their latest clash. She wasn’t seriously contemplating murder... not yet. But sometimes she swore he pushed her too far. Of course, she often pushed him too far as well. What was it he had said? “ Kathryn, sometimes, you don’t know when to step back.” Well, same thing could be applied to him.

That was the last time she remembered him calling her ‘Kathryn’.

Kathryn felt a rush of weariness run through her, almost allowing her confrontational front to slide away, but she managed to hold onto it by a few threads. They were always arguing now. Always. It didn’t matter what they were fighting about, since they could pick a fight over anything. It just mattered who won the argument.

Today, it was a minor argument: the shift schedule for stellar cartography. Kathryn was arguing for three eight-hour rotations. Chakotay argued for four interlinking shifts. Other days, it could be even more tedious, such as a disagreement over the contents of next week's menu, or more important, such as what course the ship should proceed on. The arguments had started during their encounter with Species 8472. They continued ceaselessly from that point on. He simply couldn’t let anything go unchallenged.

*Take the objective view, Kathryn... you’re not entirely blameless,* she thought.

When she and Chakotay argued about whether or not to make a deal with the borg, the first time he had really debated with her about anything in a long time, she had announced, “Then I guess I’m alone after all,” and sent him out. Looking back, many sleepless nights later, she hadn’t been able to figure out just what her motive was for that harsh remark. At the time, it had seemed like a test of his loyalty, whether he’d follow her or not. Maybe she felt like he was contesting her authority, and so she had turned it personal... * It’s not worth thinking about right now,* she told herself. * I’ve got to focus on the matter at hand.*

All these thoughts passed in the briefest fraction of a second, and she was aware that she was glaring him straight in the eye, after him having made his point-- she couldn’t even remember quite what it was he had said about the Stellar Cartography shift schedule. It was just another fight, and that argument was melded in with the pool of all of the other fights they had recently engaged in.

A pool of fights. The absurdity of the metaphor almost made her laugh outloud, if not for the tension in the air in the present situation.

“ This is ridiculous.” The words passed her lips without her even realizing she had spoken them out loud. They were quiet, almost beneath her breath, but just loud enough for Chakotay to hear.

Still in his combat mode, Chakotay retorted, “It’s far from ridiculous, *Captain.* I’m making a *reasonable* suggestion. If you’d just hear me out instead of seeing everything as a goddamn personal challenge to your position...” He faded off, standing up suddenly and pacing to the other side of the ready room, fists clenching and unclenching, apparently as spent as Janeway was.

No comeback instantly came to Janeway. She couldn’t think through the exhaustion suddenly overwhelming her. “ Is that any way to speak to your superior officer, Commander?” She asked, bemused as she lifted her cup of coffee to her lips. He spun around, a retort just about to tear from his lips, when the words died out. She wasn’t looking at him, wasn’t waiting for his comeback, but she was sitting with a more distant expression on her face as she slowly sipped her coffee. She almost looked amused, but clearly beyond carrying on the fight.

He sighed, deciding to follow her example and fall silent, sitting back down in the chair across from her. He didn’t say a word, but leaned back against and stared pointedly at her, waiting in silence. After a couple of seconds, he shifted in the chair. It was soft enough to provide a certain level of comfort, but not comfortable enough to let one relax in it, or to let one forget about the formality of this office. He nearly smiled as he realized just how that could relate to the woman sitting before him. Finally, after a long, silent pause, he spoke, “I assume when you mentioned ridiculous, you weren’t referring to this argument.”

“ Actually, I was,” She snapped back, automatically taking on her combat tone when addressing him. She noticed him stiffen and quickly checked her tone. Softer now, she said, “ I was referring to this fight, and each and every single fight you and I have had for the past seven months. Comm--Chakotay, this is utterly absurd. We argue on every opportunity, and it gets *nothing* accomplished! We need to compromise more... because this is useless.” She gestured helplessly to the setting, the same room where the two adversaries had so often sparred.

“ I agree, Captain... but you must realize, I’ve always been willing to compromise--” he began, abruptly cut off when her eyes lit up.

“ I suppose you’re implying that this is all *my* fault?” She demanded, squared off for combat once again, the weariness faded into nothingness.

He quickly resumed his defensive posture. “ Not *everything*, but a pretty damn good deal of it, *Captain!*”

She took in a sharp breath to retort, but her combadge came alive, “Tuvok to Janeway.” She was grateful for the distraction, because it checked her temper. When the Temper took over, Kathryn could never be sure what might pass her lips, and it was probably better not to find out. She tapped her the combadge, quickly to be prompt enough so as not to arouse any curiosity in Tuvok, but slow enough so it seemed to Chakotay that she wasn’t relieved for the distraction, which, she privately was. “ Go ahead, Tuvok.” She replied, blue eyes locked with Chakotay’s dark ones as the air around them fell still. She felt the fire still burning within her, and she wasn’t going to bend in defeat to Chakotay, not in any battle of wills.

“ Captain, your presence, and the Commander's, is required on the bridge.” Tuvok spoke. A wave of satisfaction rolled through when Chakotay broke the gaze to glance down at the floor. At the same time, though, there was a twinge of disappointment that her attempt to discuss the issue had degenerated into a fight. *My fault this time.*

“ We'll be up there in one moment, Tuvok. Janeway out.” Kathryn pushed her chair back and stood up. Chakotay stood as well. He hadn’t followed her cue and stood up after her, like he used to. Instead, it was a more independent action. * Minor details, Kathryn, truly trivial,* she rebuked herself for taking note of every little nuance of his behavior. She needed to concentrate more on the matter now at hand

They approached the door at the same time, both halting briefly. She knew he’d clear aside for her to make way first, in some sense of chivalry, but she didn’t want that right now.

“ After you, Commander,” she said.

“ Captain,” he said with a slight nod of acknowledgment, a gesture Janeway recognized as his customary manner of leaving her presence when they had met alone in her ready room. His voice was curt, perfunctory, as he stepped coolly past her onto the bridge. She followed close at his heels, walking faster than him, reaching the command level faster than him in her customary manner. Maybe he had slowed his pace so he wouldn’t overtake her.

“ Status?” She asked, taking her seat and glancing down at her panel.

“ We are being hailed, Captain,” Tuvok stated, eyes intently focused on his panel. Then, with a raised eyebrow, he glanced up. “ And the signal has a Starfleet signature.”

“ Starfleet!” Janeway exclaimed, glancing back at Tuvok in surprise. She quickly turned back to her panel and accessed the sensor array. “ We’re not detecting any ships-- where’s it coming from?”

“ A Class-M moon exactly seven light years away from here,” Tuvok replied.

“ Maybe you should answer the hail, Captain,” Chakotay suggested in a quiet enough voice so only Janeway heard. A mild taunt.

Kathryn turned to him. Venom dripped from the words, “ All in due time, Commander.” She called to Tuvok, “ On screen, Mr. Tuvok.”

The image before her was static and jumbled for a few seconds before it fizzled to life. A dark, exotic woman filled the viewscreen. Her deep, velvety voice spoke, “This is Lieutenant Rennika Meta of the Mercury to the Federation vessel. Please respond.”

Kathryn took a step forward, hands on her hips, surveying the Lieutenant through narrowed eyes. It came as a surprise to Janeway that Meta was only a Lieutenant, being the same age as Kathryn was “ I’m Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. I have to say, Lieutenant, it’s a surprise to run into you out here. Do you require assistance?” Kathryn asked.

“ Captain,” Relief tinged the dark woman’s voice as she took a step closer to the viewscreen. “ We don’t require any immediate help. I was wondering if you came from Starfleet... If you’re here to take us home?”

“ As much as I wish that was the case,” Kathryn began, noticing the other woman was holding her breath. “ We’re stranded out here... as you appear to be.” Meta let out of her breath. “ How did you get here?”

“ We were pulled through a wormhole eleven years ago. The ship was damaged, and we crashed on the moon shortly after,” Meta explained briefly.

“ Perhaps it would be better to discuss this in person.” Janeway observed. “ We’ll be in orbit in...” She glanced at Tuvok.

“ Two and a half hours.” He stated.

“...I’ll beam down to your moon and we can discuss the... situation of you and your crew?”

Lieutenant Meta beamed with what could be described as genuine relief. “ I’ll await your arrival. Meta out.”

* * *

Kathryn sat back in her seat, chin on hand, as she scanned the files before her. She had read the quick overview of the Starship Mercury. The Mercury was a small medical vessel that had been on a mission to Cassok Prime to help quell the epidemic of Righellian Measles before she disappeared mysteriously. Starfleet had assumed that the Mercury had been destroyed and had written the crew off as dead-- just like they probably have written *us* off as dead, Kathryn thought with a sigh. She turned her attention back to the other file she had downloaded-- Meta’s personelle file. Rennika Meta, was, for lack of a better term, nothing short of a wash up in Starfleet. She was an unimpressive cadet, vaguely placed somewhere in the midst of the bottom half of her class, a year before Janeway’s. She was commissioned three months before Janeway. She went on to serve onboard the Hood, then something happened... Kathryn read over this part with interest. Rennika abruptly transferred onto the Stanton, a significant step down from serving onboard the Hood. She continued to be transferred from ship to ship, never at one location for more than a year or so. At twenty nine, she had been serving in Starfleet for seven years, which finally called for her promotion to Lieutenant. She ended up onboard the Mercury-- a medical ship commanded by Lieutenant Commander Austin Forbes, the very bottom end of Starfleet short of Base 76 on Mirani Prime.

She was vaguely aware of the chime ringing. Kathryn lifted her heavy head up from her hand and called for the person to come in.

Chakotay, eyes weary, took a wary step in, hesitated slightly, then barreled all the way in. Kathryn steeled herself and leaned back in her chair, gazing cautiously up at him.

“ What can I do for you, Commander?” she asked.

“ We’ll be arriving at the moon within the next half hour. Tuvok thought it would be best if your presence was on the bridge,” Chakotay informed her. He seemed about to say something more, but hesitated. It was a sign Janeway took as good, indicating that he wasn’t here to start an argument, or else he already would have done it. The hesitation showed that it must be a personal matter. She relaxed slightly.

“ I can assume that that’s not all you came to tell me, or else you’d have told me that over the comn,” she gestured to the chair opposite to her. “ Take a seat.”

He relaxed slightly as well, sinking his large frame into the seat across from her. “I assume you’re planning on leading the away team?”

Something about this statement set her on edge. Eyes narrowed slightly, her mind taking on an adversarial edge, she replied warily, “ That’s right. What of it?”

“ Let me go instead,” Chakotay said bluntly.

“ Why?” Kathryn asked.

Chakotay sighed, running a hand through his short cropped hair. “ I have a really bad feeling about this whole Mercury business.” He glanced at her expression. “ I know it sounds absurd, but this is serious. I just know that something terrible is going to come out of this.”

“ So you want to go to... face this danger... instead of me?” Kathryn asked, softening up a bit. Then again, a voice in the back of her mind reminded her that he might just be using this as an excuse to go instead of her. Looking at his expression, though, slightly blanched with dark eyes shadowed with concern, his concern certainly *seemed* genuine... “ Do you have anything to base this on other than a gut feeling? After all, it’s not like we’re about to engage a hostile enemy... These are *Starfleet* officers we’re about to deal with.”

Something to base it on? Yes, Chakotay thought. He remembered less than an hour earlier, how he had gone back to his quarters shortly after Meta’s hail... He remembered going on a vision quest, remembered seeing images... terrible images. Then one in particular, Kathryn... screaming. There was someone else too, someone he didn’t recognize. A formidable figure cloaked in shadows, with fierce eyes and blood on his hands... And he was there with Kathryn the whole vision, his presence at her heels, growing closer and closer with each step she took. But could he actually mention this to her? He glanced into her blue eyes. So open to him... yet so closed at the same time.

“ No,” he replied earnestly. Nothing but his visions. He noticed her expression fog over, undoubtedly proceeding a polite dismissal of his suggestion.

“ While I am touched by your concern, Commander,” And she *was*... for sure. It was a great change from their usual sparring, “ There really isn’t much to warrant any alarm about this situation. After all, what could go wrong? *Our* people are down there.” She studied his expression carefully. His eyes wavered slightly, and he grimaced. “If you’d like, I see no problem with you being a part of the away team.”

His gaze flew back up to hers. “ Tuvok won’t have a problem with that?” Janeway shook her head dismissively. “ He might... But we both outrank him, don’t we?” She gave him a bit of a smile. “ Does this prove satisfactory to you, Commander?”

He wanted to say no. His instinct screamed for him to keep her from going. He *knew* something terrible was going to happen to her. Instead, he nodded. “ It’s acceptable.”

“ That’s good. Let’s get on the bridge.” Kathryn suggested. With a nod, Chakotay followed her out of the ready room.

* * *

Kathryn sat in the small, shanty shelter, fascinated, listening to the woman's story. Rennika described in vivid detail how the Federation starship Mercury accidentally entered an unstable wormhole. The ship's systems shut down and it crashed on the moon. The inhabitants had to make do with what they had and managed to build a life for themselves. Most of the crew had been killed on impact except for twelve of them. Four children had been born in the nine year period.

“ And are you the highest ranking officer?” Janeway asked, staring over at the dark haired woman who had identified herself as Lieutenant Rennika Meta. She was more attractive in person than on the viewscreen, but couldn’t qualify as beautiful.

“ Yes. Commander Xebo and Captain Larson were killed in the crash. And of course, my direct superior, Lieutenant Commander Cavin, died a little over a year ago.” She sighed. “ We've lost a lot of good people. The moon isn't exactly a hospitable place, but we've managed to make it our home.”

Janeway cast a glance over at Commander Chakotay next to her in the briefing room. He was gazing rather intently at their guest.

“ Do you know if this anomaly is still around?” Janeway asked, trying to keep from glancing at Chakotay to see if he was still staring at Meta. She was rather surprised at her own jealousy. *Why do you care, Kathryn? The man's been acting like a jerk lately.* Still, it annoyed her to no end how Ms. Meta would bat her very feminine lashes at Janeway's first officer. *I'm just being paranoid.* She assured herself.

“ It was a highly unstable wormhole. I’d be surprised if it remained in this system any longer than a few hours,” Meta was saying. Janeway sat back with a frown.

Chakotay then spoke, “ I see you’ve made quite a home for yourselves here. Is leaving with Voyager out of the question?”

She jumped on it. “ You’re offering to take us?” It must have been what she had been waiting for the whole conversation.

Kathryn seemed to be lost in thought enough to miss some of what was being said by Chakotay, but caught “--accompany us on the ship if you'd like.” He was flashing Meta an irresistible smile, the certain smile that he used to reserve for Janeway alone. *Enough, Kathryn!* Janeway thought to herself.

“ Captain?” Janeway glanced down into Meta's dark eyes as she stared up at Janeway, utterly innocent.

“ Hmmm?” Janeway asked. She caught herself. “ I'm sorry, what were you asking?”

“ We need your authorization for the transfer, Captain,” Chakotay said pointedly.

Janeway smiled to cover her train of thought. “ Granted, naturally.” To Meta, “I would have invited you myself, if the Commander hadn’t beaten me to it.”

“ Well then, it's settled!” Meta slapped her hands on her lap as she stood up. “Thank you very much. While we have managed to make a life on that moon, it’s hardly the place that I’d want to grow old on. I believe the others will agree with me.” She shook both their hands, flashing Chakotay a white toothed smile and nodding to Janeway.

* * *

After they were back on the ship, Chakotay was the one who seemed lost in thought.

“ Well, we have a lot of work ahead of us. We're going to have to work them all into the shift schedule,” Janeway commented.

“ Rennika's compiling the crew manifests for your review. You can determine the jobs once you get them,” Chakotay said.

Janeway glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, then looked down to study a pile of datapadds lying on her readyroom desk. She tried to sound nonchalant as she commented, “ Already on a first name basis, Commander?”

He glanced at her, his expression indefinable. “ Perhaps.” A beat passed. Then, “Lieutenant Meta is an engineer. I’m sure B’Elanna and Seven could use the help in engineering.”

“ Maybe so.” Janeway said. “But it still will be a bit difficult to work her in. And besides, there have been quite a few changes in starship design recently, even the last nine years.”

“ If you don't mind, Captain, I'd like to go back down to the surface to oversee things, meet the new crew,” Chakotay said. Janeway nodded her consent. He abruptly left without another glance at her.

*So, she's been in charge for the past year?* Janeway thought, leaning back into her chair. *She'd better be ready to take orders again.*

* * *

Meta laughed. Janeway couldn't help diverting her gaze over to the table where Meta, B'Elanna, and Chakotay were sitting together. Briefly, her mind passed over a number of scenarios involving the three, some *very* suggestive, before she dismissed the thought. No, B'Elanna was more involved with Paris, and Kim at times. It was mainly Chakotay and Rennika flirting with one another. They could have some things going on between them, but then again, Janeway and Paris would flirt, and nothing came (or would ever come) of that. Janeway suddenly realized that Chakotay had caught her gaze and noticed she was staring. Fighting a blush, Janeway smiled and nodded to him, perfectly calm and collected: the cool, impassive Captain seen by the crew. Was it disappointment she saw flash across his face? She quickly dismissed it as he smiled and nodded coolly back.

It was normal now for them not to sit together. They had stopped eating together when it didn't involve ship's business.

She sighed and turned back to Tuvok. The Vulcan must have noticed her mood, for he raised a questioning eyebrow. Kathryn caught his gaze and told him with a look, 'Don't ask.' She rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted. She had found herself becoming increasingly tired earlier in the day, probably making up for the insomnia she'd previously been having. The crew rotations was starting to blur before her, and she dropped the padd onto the table and put her hands over her eyes, suppressing a yawn.

“ I could not help observing that you appear to be fatigued.” Kathryn smiled at her old friend, putting her hands back on the table.

“ Your observation is quite correct, Mr. Tuvok.”

“ Perhaps then, we should continue this at another time,” he noted. Janeway smiled at him.

“ That sounds like a good idea.” She stood up and began collecting the padds. “Good night, Tuvok.”

“ Have a pleasant evening, Captain,” Tuvok replied, nodding to her. Janeway smiled one last time and walked out of the messhall, fighting the temptation to look over back at Chakotay to see if he noticed her exit.

If she had seen him, she would have seen a man watching a red-haired woman exit, one oblivious to his presence, a mixture of regret and longing in his eyes.

* * *

Chakotay sighed and turned around in bed. He and Kathryn been arguing constantly. He had to admit, it was his fault as much as it was hers. However, arguing with her now was as natural as breathing. Over the years on Voyager, she had become his closest friend, with B'Elanna becoming more attached to Paris. When Kathryn started giving him the cold shoulder, he felt strangely alone. “ Damn. Why does she have to be so competitive?” he said aloud, thinking back to the numerous times she had provoke arguments just for the sake of arguing.

It was one of the things that at attracted him to her. She was a challenge. That was it, initially. Soon, he found that he had much, much deeper feelings for her than he could ever possible imagine. But was it mutual? At times he believed it with all his heart, but it was ruined that day. She had stared at him with nearly tearing eyes and said, “ Then I guess I am alone after all.”

It wasn't the same after that. She never seemed to be as close to him. Kathryn even reverted back to calling him 'Commander'. Of course, he followed suit and began calling her 'Captain.'

Competition. That's what she saw him as. A conquest to achieve. It angered him. Every time they argued, she made it a personal goal to be the victor.

“ I want a life,” he murmured. That's what he'd always wanted. A wife, kids. He had begun to realize that as time passed that he'd never have a future with Kathryn. So, he tried to change himself. He tried to convince himself that he didn't need her, that he was happy as he was. If only his heart could believe him.

When Rennika came onboard, he even tried to see if Kathryn would have any reaction whatsoever to her.

When Kathryn had none, he realized that it was over. It was over before it had even begun.

He shut her out of his mind. Chakotay tried to forget about his feelings for her. She was his captain, nothing more. He developed his relationship with Rennika over the past month, even found himself falling in love with her. Or at least, it seemed like love.

Yes, she could be arrogant at times, but she was a strong woman. He had always been attracted to strong women. First Seska, Riley, and of course, Kathryn.

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think about something else.

If he could just banish Kathryn from his thoughts...

He could banish her from his heart.