Part X


“ So, you're back,” Meta remarked tonelessly, without turning to face Janeway as the captain entered past the lowered force field. One security guard accompanied her, taking a position in the corner of the brig, while the other stood immediately outside the forcefield which he raised again.

“ Surprised?” Janeway asked her, not so much a question as a mild taunt. She began to prepare her padd to imput Meta's answers to each question.

Meta was watching her intently.

“ As a matter of fact, I am. I thought he'd kill you. I hoped he'd kill you. If I had known he'd leave you alive, I probably would have done the deed myself,” The woman said.

“ Meta,” Janeway said, turning coolly to face the Lieutenant. “ I'm doing an evaluation on whether or not you're fit to stay in your quarters or if you'll have to remain here in the brig. I suggest--for your own good-- that you think about that before you speak. Got it?” She wasn't going to let Meta-- of all people-- see how her imprisonment had affected her. All she would show the woman was the same person that had existed five and a half months earlier.

Meta settled back on her bed where she was sitting facing Janeway.

“ Now,” Janeway said, “ To get on with the evaluation--”

Meta laughed bitterly. “ I think we all know what the result of this 'evaluation' will be. You hate me, *Kathryn*, you always have. You'll find me unfit and I'll stay in this shithole for the rest of the journey.”

Janeway smiled dryly at her. “ At the rate we're going, you're probably right. Now, as for the first question--”

“ So what happened? Did anything bad happen to you? Anything at all? Christ, I want to think I destroyed your life somehow.” The other woman smiled wickedly to herself. “ Why didn't he kill you?”

Janeway ignored her remarks and began, “ Do you believe that you can conduct yourself civilly around fellow crewmembers-- i.e. not attacking, threatening, or provoking in any way, shape--”

“ I think I know why,” Meta ranted on.

“ I'll take that as a no.” Janeway imputed the data in the padd.

“ *I* think *I* know why.” Meta repeated again, louder. Janeway glanced up at the other woman shrewdly. Had she taken leave of her senses during these months? Meta leaned her elbows onto her knees so she could look squarely at Janeway. “ I think you fucked him. Just like you wanted to fuck Chakotay. That's why--”

Kathryn was fed up. “ Lieutenant Meta,” Janeway said, standing up. “ It's apparent from this evaluation so far that you don't intend on leaving this cell anytime soon. When you feel the need to cooperate, just tell a security guard and I *might* be able to fit another evaluation into my schedule. Until then,” Janeway felt a small rush of triumph as she said, “ *Enjoy* your cell.”

Rennika didn't reply, but she tossed a lock of her dark hair over her shoulder and began to laugh, standing up. Janeway ignored her in disgust and signaled the security guard to lower the forcefield, turning away from Meta.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the security guard smirk at Meta, mocking her.

It was that moment that Rennika let out a cry and rushed towards Janeway. Kathryn acted more out of instinct than conscious thought. Before the security guard had a chance to react, Janeway swung her fist around and connected with Meta's left jaw right before Meta had a chance to pounce on her. The larger woman twisted and stumbled back, falling onto the floor, shocked by how quickly Janeway had stopped her. The security guards both had their phasers out, and Janeway took the chance to smile at Meta, a smile that showed all of the contempt she felt for the woman lying before her. * How could I ever have dreaded confronting this nutcase?*

“ Five months in a shithole of a cell didn't slow down my reflexes.” She paused as Rennika struggled to get her feet under her. “ And yet three months in the brig seems to have slowed yours. Very interesting.” With that, she turned and walked out, shutting out all the profanities that Meta began to scream at her.

When Kathryn entered the corridor, she felt a great weight lifted from her chest. It had taken her so much effort to show her most positive face to Meta. A matter of pride. She hadn't let that woman feel as if she had won. She glanced back at the door she had just exited and wondered briefly, *How did I make so many enemies?*

* * *


“We see an end!” Chakotay exclaimed, a large smile lighting up his face as he glanced down at Janeway. Even Tuvok, standing next to him, had relief written on his face.

“ An end...?” Janeway asked, confused.

“ Long distance scans show Bromalian order activity ends approximately 500 light years from our position,” Tuvok noted.

“ About six months more,” Janeway murmured to herself. *Six months.*

Chakotay circled around the bridge to stand at the same level as her. “ So, what do you think, Captain? Shall we have a celebration? Have Neelix throw a party?” A light of mirth glinted in his eyes.

“ We're not out the woods yet, Chakotay,” Janeway said, walking resolutely over to her chair and sinking down into it.

“ Maybe not, but we see an end. A celebration might help boost morale,” Chakotay pointed out, taking his seat next to her. He watched her as she thought over it, trying to see if she had any reaction to the news. His heart sank when he saw the same indifference that she'd held up for the past two months.

Finally, she glanced at him with a shrug and said, “ I'll leave it up to you, Commander.” She glanced briefly around the bridge. Chakotay recognized it as the gesture she had when she was about to go to the ready room. Kathryn noticed a merriment in the air that hadn't been there this morning. She stood up and said over her shoulder, “ You have the bridge, Commander. I'll be in my ready room.”

Chakotay waited a few minutes before he followed her. At his entry, Kathryn glanced up. “ What can I do for you, Commander?” He approached her slowly, keeping a distance so as not to invade her personal space.

“I ready your report. It's very... brief.” He took the seat across from her with an infuriatingly smug expression. *Who the hell does he think he is? He's my first officer, not my psychiatrist.*

She lowered her eyes to the smooth surface of her desk, willing herself not to give away any sign that she was telling a lie. “ There's not much to say. It was very brief.” She tried to make it dismissive and indifferent, but he knew her too well.

“ Brief!” Chakotay exclaimed. “ I don't call five months very brief! I was with the Kazon for two days and I had a longer report than you!” He realized that he had raised his voice and made it quiet down again. “ Are you sure you didn't leave anything out? You have that-- box, that device, and then they just dumped you in a cell and left you there for the rest of the time?”

“ That's right,” Kathryn replied.

He frowned. “ Then, *Captain*, how did you end up on Shrelton, half beaten to death?”

“ What are you, my interrogator?” She asked, glaring at him.

“ If it concerns the safety of this ship, then I am.” He snapped. She winced and he immediately regretted the harshness of his words. His expression softened, and he lowered his voice again. “ I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm just concerned about you. How did you get there?”

Janeway glanced at him, almost meeting his eyes and then averting her gaze to the wall behind him at the last moment. “ I don't remember.”

“ Are you sure--” He began, but she cut him off angrily.

“ I *said* I don't remember! What, do you think I'm lying?” Her gaze was intense, but still not focused into his eyes.

He sighed. “ No, I don't think you're lying, Kathryn. I just-- I just think that maybe you should have a mind meld with Tuvok--”

“ You do think I'm lying!” Janeway cried incredulously.

“ No, I just think it will help you remem-”

She stood up, her mask once again covering up her emotions, and pointed towards the door. Voice edgy, she crowed, “ Unless you have anything else to talk about, you're dismissed!”

Chakotay glanced up at her, thinking * No, I can't let this happen.* He took in a breath to speak when her expression hardened and she said icily, “ *Dismissed*, Commander.”

He realized that he wasn't going to get anywhere today, that he had taken the wrong approach with her, and he left. There was nothing else he could do. She wasn't going to talk to him about it, no matter how much he pushed her.

* * *


It was nearly three weeks later with no progress that Chakotay came to the realization that she wasn't about to change. She was cool and precise on duty, performing her job well as always, and yet, she was a different person. She wasn't confronting her pain and dealing with it, she was denying it. Her anguish was so intense that it overrode all of the rest of her emotions, and by supressing it, she suppressed everything else at the same time.

Chakotay knew he shouldn't expect her to recover right away, but this had gone on for too long. Her demons were in full force, causing her to eat almost nothing, speak even less, stay holed up on the ship during shore leave, and appear on the bridge earlier and earlier to the point where she was getting almost no sleep whatsoever.

Chakotay had seen Cardassian torture victims behave something like this. He knew from experience that giving the person space was good, but there comes a certain point where if you don't interfere, they never recover-- usually the person killed themselves to stop the demons. The downward spiral in the aftermath usually required help, from a psychiatrist or a counselor. Unfortunately, there was no one onboard in that position, so Chakotay had to take matters into his own hands.

He arranged with Torres for he and Janeway to have an hour and twenty-two minute turbolift malfunction. They had the same shift, so they would usually exit the bridge at the same time. It was underhanded tactics, he knew, but every time he tried to be alone with her, she'd find some excuse to leave.

When the day came, he and Kathryn were riding wordlessly in the lift. She had fatigue written all over her face, although she tried to hide it behind her mask of indifference. She stumbled and nearly fell when the turbolift abruptly jerked to a halt. Chakotay grabbed her arm to balance her. She jerked away from him like his touch was fire and glanced around.

“ Janeway to engineering,” She said. Kathryn grew frustrated when she tried it a second time and got no response. She balled up a fist and hit the wall, an unusual display of agitation on her part. Chakotay quirked an eyebrow at her, and she gave him an almost-sincere, sly smile. “ Sorry about that.”

“ It's all right,” He said as he leaned back against the wall to slide into a sitting position. Kathryn glanced at him momentarily, shifting her balance awkwardly from foot to foot, before she followed suit and sat, back against the far wall. They sat in silence for a few awkward minutes before Chakotay dared brooch the forbidden subject.

“ You know,” Chakotay spoke up, “ I wish Kes was still onboard.”

Janeway smiled faintly. “ I miss her too.”

He nodded. “ You might at least talk to her.”

Janeway grew agitated when she realized the direction this conversation was heading. She closed her eyes. “ It's none of your business, Commander.” Her voice was low as she opened them again and said, “ I'm okay, it's over. Let's just move on.”

“ No, you're not okay. That's fairly obvious, Kathryn. You still can't seem to eat anything, you avoid people, and you're jumpy all of the time now. You say, 'Let's move on', but you are the one who isn't moving on.”

She flared up at this. “ Well, forgive me if I can't bounce right back from it! The Kazon had you for two days; the Bromalians had me for five *long* months! You want me to talk about it, but it's not as easy as you want it to be!” she said angrily, displaying more emotion than he'd seen in a long time. He took that as a good sign.

“ You haven't told anyone about your time there, Kathryn.” He inched a little closer. “ You have a whole ship of people that care about you, and they want to help you. I just wish you could trust us. Trust me.”

Kathryn laughed bitterly. “ That's all I get nowadays, isn't it? People want to help me, people feel sorry for me. I'm damn sick of it, Chakotay! I just want everything to be as it was, to return to my old life and the way people would treat me then, not this! I can't stand it, Chakotay; I can't stand people treating me like I'm going to break any moment now!”

“People feel sympathy for you,” Chakotay roared, standing up, “Because for five *long* months, we didn't know if you were dead or alive! We were worried sick about you! *I* was worried sick about you, Kathryn! Every night, I'd lie awake wondering if there was some way I could have prevented it, if I had just been there, or seen Rennika for who she was sooner! If I hadn’t been angry with you, then maybe, just maybe, I could have saved you. And now you're back, and we still feel as if we've lost you! Kathryn, you have to understand, your pain is our pain. As long as you hurt, I'll hurt.”

Kathryn stood up, her eyes shooting daggers at him and she said with a chilly voice, “ So, that's what this is about. You want to ease your own pain, isn't that it, Commander? Don't even say this is on the pretensions of helping me; you're just trying to ease your own conscience. The only one you're worried about is yourself!”

Chakotay stood, wide-eyed, staring at her in a shocked, openly vulnerable state. “Kathryn,” he didn't hide the pain the statement had caused, and for the first time since she had been rescued, she felt her heart wrench. “ You know that's not true.” He said quietly, somewhat meekly, then he sank back down to the ground. Without realizing it, Janeway found herself sitting on the ground again, too.

“ Look,” she finally found her voice again, “ I'm sorry, Chakotay. I didn't mean that.”

He shook his head. “ No, it's my fault, Kathryn. I shouldn't have forced you to speak about the subject.”

“ Well, we're trapped in a turbolift, and we don't seem to talk about anything else anymore,” she whispered, leaning back against the wall with a sigh.

“ I'm sorry about trapping us in here, too.” Janeway glanced up at Chakotay, in the eye for the first time.

“ You-- you did this?” She asked. Chakotay wasn't sure how she'd react, so he nodded mutely. Kathryn stared at him in shock for a moment, then a flush stole over her face. Chakotay inched closer to her, concerned, but was halted in his steps when a faint chuckle escaped her lips. It grew into full laughter

.Chakotay chuckled with her, glad to see something he hadn't seen in a long time. His laughter died off when a pained expression came over her face, but she was still laughing.

Kathryn felt the walls collapsing around her as she struggled to stop doing what she was going to do. *Am I going to laugh or am I going to cry?* She wondered. Suddenly, more than anything, she wanted someone else. She wanted someone to shine through the darkness. As she realized it, her eyes began to sting with unshed tears, the tears she had held back for the nine months. She tried to fight them, but as Chakotay's arms came up around her, cradling her, sensing her emotions, suddenly she didn't want to fight them anymore. She had spent her entire life doing things on her own, dealing with everything in her own way, and now, she wanted nothing more than to let someone else have the burden for a while. She just wanted to give in to the pain that threatened to destroy her, even if just for a little while.

He felt her body, stiff in his arms, begin to relax, letting out the flood of emotions. It was all coming out, cleansing her soul, the repressed pain and dispair and humiliation.

Her arms were around his waist, clutching him. He did the best he could to comfort her, kicking himself for not taking such aggressive steps earlier. Finally, her crying died down when the strength left her. She didn't seem asleep, just exhausted. She was limp in his arms, her eyes smoky and distant.

He gently brushed the remaining tears off of her cheeks, thanking the designers of Voyager that her quarters were so near the turbolift. He knew she wouldn't want her crew to see her cracked resolve.

The lights finally powered back up as the turbolift resumed its destination. When it halted, he checked the corridor. Seeing no one, he lifted her up into his arms and carried her to her quarters. He lay her down on her bed. She had taken a big step already today, and he was about to leave when he heard a faint, “ Wait.” Chakotay turned back around. Kathryn was sitting up, her legs dangling over the side of the bed. “ Please don't go. If-- if I don't speak now, I don't know if I ever will.”

He slowly approached her again, and he was about to take a seat next to her on the bed when her unmasked emotions showed a flash of panic across her face. “Do you want to go sit on the couch?” He asked her. Kathryn nodded, and she gingerly got up, clutching onto his arm as they approached the other room. They sat down on the couch, and he sat close enough so that she could feel his presence, but not too close as to alarm her.

Kathryn closed her eyes for a few moments, trying to collect her thoughts. Finally, she whispered, “ I don't want to fight with you.”

Chakotay laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. “ I don't want to fight with you, either. I promise you, I'll never get into a worthless rivalry like that with you again.”

She smiled, a genuine smile that reached her eyes, and she took his hand, pledging her own promise without words. She felt a new sort of closeness with him, one that she had forgotten, one she hadn't felt since their fight right before her ordeal. It gave her a comfort, a sense of security.

“ Chakotay,” She whispered. “ I don't want you to be-- to be ashamed of me.” Kathryn desperately wished she could find better wording, and faltered, not sure where to go from here.

He lifted up her chin in one of his hands and he caressed her cheek. “ Kathryn, I'd never be ashamed of you, no matter what. If you told the Bromalians anything, I'm sure we'd all understand, and I would understand. Five months--”

“ I didn't!” She declared.. “I didn't tell them anything. I just--” She nearly choked when she found herself fighting back tears again.

“ Just let it out.” Chakotay whispered, pulling her to him once again. She leaned into his arms, into the comfort the protection he offered. Protection from herself.

“ You- you know most of it,” she whispered. He didn't say anything, just stroked her hair, his breath falling at an even rhythm. She kept her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat, feeling it rise and fall.

She closed her eyes and relished the feeling of him as she recounted her horrific tale. She told him about Mordus, how he had saved her life, and how kind he was the first few weeks of her time with him, then of how he started getting more and more possessive.

“ When I was in Mordus's captivity, he wasn't trying to get information from me. That-- that man wanted me for something else-- for a sense of...” she faded off with a shaky breath. “ I'm still not quite sure what he wanted. It was like he wanted to... to own me. And he became worse and worse as it went along.” Her courage faltered, and Chakotay held her securely, allowing her the time she needed to continue. Tears once again began streaming down her face as she said, “I tried to escape once, but he caught me. When he dragged me back to the cell, he beat me, severely. Then he-- he,” she choked back her tears, but was unable to contain them as she sobbed, “ It was humiliating. It was so humiliating. I tried to fight... but I couldn't. It was like I had slowed down...”

Chakotay held her in his arms, feeling the blood burning through his veins as he realized what she was saying. He held her to him, comforting her, at the same time trying to hold down the murderous rage that tore at him. “ It got worse as time went on, too.” She was saying. “ He would try the... make me do the most.... degrading things he could imagine. He didn't care about the information, he just got pleasure out of my pain. And by the end, I wouldn’t even fight him.”

Her voice broke as she once again felt sobs begin to rack her throat. “I don't know why I gave up. I-- it was a weak thing to do. I should never have--”

“ Kathryn,” Chakotay whispered vehemently into her ear, “ What that *bastard* did to you was not your fault. Don't you ever blame yourself. Don't ever.” She clung on to him. Kathryn related more to Chakotay, more in detail, getting it out of her system. When she finally was done, she was trembling, the stress of the past nine months wearing her out. He brushed his lips lightly against her forehead, his arms holding her protectively to his chest, as if he could protect her from her past. She was so vulnerable at this moment that he wondered how anyone-- anyone could hurt her like Mordus had. He was shaking too, out of rage, feeling the long suppressed hatred of his earlier life resurfacing in him.

“ I promise you one thing,” he whispered, his voice shaking with anger, “ I will kill him. I swear to god, I'll rip his throat out for what he did to you.”

“ No,” she said firmly, finding herself suddenly in the position of giving comfort to him as he had to her. “No, just let it go. He's light years from here, and there's no way you'll ever get him.”

Chakotay pulled back at arm's length. “ But after what that man did to you... he can't just get away with it. I don't know how--”

“ This is exactly what he'd want!” Janeway snapped. “ He'd want us tearing ourselves apart to get at him. He's too powerful, too high up, we'd never be able to get to him. Let it go, Chakotay. It's the only way we can beat him. The only way we can win.”

He drew her to him again, and they held each other for hours, finding mutual comfort in one another's arms.

After he left, she had no trouble sleeping. She had pleasant dreams about Chakotay and Voyager, not the terrible nightmares she'd been having for ages.

In the days that followed, she began to change, brimming with a new found confidence, one that she thought she'd lost, a feeling of orientation. Space was no longer luminous and intimidating, she could eat food without thinking of her imprisonment. She was no longer a stranger in a strange land, no longer an outsider. She felt something new; she was herself again. She was Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager, and no one was going to change that. No matter how much they tortured her, no matter what they did, they'd never take her identity from her again. Never.

* * *


After five months of rigorous fighting and hardship, they exited Bromalian space. The ships that had been constantly pursuing them were called off, not daring to venture into unknown territory. When Tuvok announced their exit over the speakers, applause and cheering broke in all regions of the ship. They had survived the most dangerous leg of their journey with few casualties. They had defied the Order successfully, and in the end, they had prevailed, in the end, a more united crew than they ever had been before.

Amidst the applause on the bridge, Janeway and Chakotay shared a glance. This had a special meaning for the two of them. They had come through the most difficult and turbulent times in their relationship and through their hardship, were closer than they ever had been.

Confined in her quarters, former Lieutenant Rennika Meta was sulking, thinking of opportunities lost, ones she'd never had. * I should have killed her myself,* She thought angrily. She knew from the last time Chakotay had filed a report about her that he was perfectly happy out there without her, glowing with a new light, probably running around with Janeway at that. At that thought, Meta was hit by the realization that she was a failure. She sat back down on the bed in the quarters that had become her cell and wallowed in her misery.

On the planet Rekresh, High Admiral Amaroth, in his rage and chagrin at his failure to apprehend Voyager, banished Mordus. He took away all of Mordus's posessions, his wealth, his title, and put a contract worth 2,000,000 in standard currency on his head (the most adamant of the bounty hunters being none other than Mordus’s ex-associate, Vaila Hath’Hart).

He didn't especially hold a grudge against his old friend, but he needed someone to take the fall. He was immensely upset by the word that resistance groups had earned literally millions of new members from this recent, unprecedented turn of events, and he sat in his office, rubbing his head in stress. The Bromalian Order was crumbling apart around him and he could do nothing to stop its fall.

* * *


Chakotay was sitting in his quarters that very same night. Kathryn was across from him, devouring the food he'd cooked. Her appetite had returned with a vengeance, with the force of a starving person's.

Later, they were sitting together on the sofa, talking. “ Do you remember a time long ago,” he began, “ When I asked you if there was a future for us?”

Kathryn looked over at him from where she had been gazing dreamily out at the stars and mutely nodded. Chakotay then said, “ You told me no.”

She leaned back into the couch, studying him. Then she spoke, “ That was a long time ago. A lot has happened since then.”

Chakotay raised his eyebrows. “ How much has happened?”

“ A lot.” Kathryn smiled. “ Have you ever heard that everything happens for a reason? When I was in captivity, all I knew was how haunted I was that you and I... During what I thought was the last time we’d ever seen each other, were mad at one another, how sorry I was that I left so many things unsaid.” She sighed. “ I'm just sorry that it took... my ordeal, to see you for what you are to me.” She had never spoken, even on New Earth, so openly about their relationship before.

“ And what might that be?” Chakotay asked, playful jest in his eyes, but underneath he was very serious.

Kathryn didn't reply, but she leaned towards him. He closed his eyes and his lips met hers, hungrily pressing against her softness. Her tongue slipped into his mouth, and her arms crept up around his large frame. The kiss was powerful, and yet so gentle at the same time.

When they finally broke the kiss, they stared into each other's eyes. Kathryn took his hands in her hands, a silent promise to him. It was going to happen, just it was going to go slowly. She still wasn't fully over her ordeal, probably she never would be, but she was living again, and that was the important thing.

They both found themselves looking out the window at the stars rushing by and the vast, open space. It dawned on both of them at the same time that this was not only the beginning of a new adventure in space, but it was the beginning of something else, something far more valuable. Voyager was venturing into the unknown, as were they.

Kathryn smiled and leaned into him as she stared out at the stars. Nothing was going to keep them apart now. They had their entire lives ahead of them, all of eternity.

THE END

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