Part IX

She was lying asleep on a biobed. Chakotay watched her, relieved that she was alive and yet sad at the same time. She was so thin. Her skin looked like it had been stretched thin over her face, and there were deep shadows under her eyes from both her weight loss and lack of sleep. The Doctor had worked for nearly two days straight to repair all her injuries. She had a severe concussion and internal bleeding. The Doctor had been forced to add a sort of gel underneath her skin to support her skeletal structure until she had fully rejuvenated, otherwise her hip bones might cut right through her skin.

It had been almost a week since she was rescued. The Doctor had kept her unconscious to let her body have the chance to fully recover. Chakotay probably would have waited in sickbay the whole week if the Doctor hadn't used security to keep him out. The Doctor would not allow anyone to visit her since she had been rescued, not disclosing any reasons for it. Now, he finally allowed Chakotay to come when he believed that Janeway would awaken soon. She had a restraining field over her to prevent her from moving too much while her body was still adjusting to the gel.

“ You needn't worry about her, Commander,” the Doctor told him, coming up from behind Chakotay. “ She'll be perfectly recovered, if she takes care of herself, within the next two months or so.”

“ If she takes care of herself,” Chakotay countered, without looking away from Kathryn.

“ It's true that the captain's notorious when it comes to ill health; she's a regular doctor's worst nightmare.” the Doctor replied. “ She never ate enough, slept enough, took enough breaks from duty. However, I've noticed that after near brushes with death, patients usually begin to take better care of themselves, at least for a while.”

Chakotay glanced back at him momentarily. “ I sure hope so. Either way, she's better off than she was with the Bromalians.”

“ You have no idea.” The Doctor replied.

Chakotay shifted. “ Doctor, I've been getting the impression you aren't telling me everything.”

“ If I haven't, Commander,” the Doctor said, “ It's because of patient-doctor onfidentiality. Surely you can understand that.” Chakotay was about to speak when he heard an intake of breath from behind him. He immediately turned back around to notice Kathryn stirring.

“ I believe she's regaining consciousness. I'll leave you two alone.” The Doctor retreated back into his office. . A few seconds later, Kathryn opened her eyes.

“ Welcome back,” Chakotay whispered. Janeway didn't reply, but her eyes met his, and she glanced around the room, as if in a daze.

“ Are you feeling all right?” He asked. She stared at him, in shock, for a moment before she nodded mutely. Chakotay impulsively reached out a hand to touch her face, and she stiffened and shrank back. He was surprised by her reaction, and let his hand drop back to his side.

“ We got your message.” Chakotay whispered, determined to keep talking to her. “ If you hadn't sent that, we probably would never have found you. I don't know how you knew we were on the planet.”

She flinched, as if remembering something, but still didn't speak to him.

“ Listen,” Chakotay began. “ I know we weren't exactly getting along when-- before you were gone, but I hope we can still reconcile all that.” When he still didn't receive a response, he said, “ If you want me to leave you alone--”

“ No,” she interrupted, a note of urgency in her voice and on her face. It faded away as quickly as it had come. “ Please stay.”

“So, she can speak,” He said, a shadow of a smile on his lips as he tentatively reached out, then he took her hand in his. “ Is there anything I could do for you?” He asked. “Anything at all?”

She stared at him blankly for a second, then answered, “How long until I return to duty?”

“ Not anytime soon,” Chakotay told her firmly. He saw resentment flare up in her eyes, as if she believed he was challenging her authority, and he quickly said, “The Doctor just performed a surgical operation on you. It may take a week or so for you to be in condition to even walk.”

“ What kind of surgery?” She demanded, her voice still not very loud. It occurred to him for the first time that it was only quiet because she couldn't make it any louder.

“ He'll explain that to you later,” He replied.

Janeway paused for a second, as if in thought. She didn't look so fragile to him now that she was awake, but there was something different about her that he couldn't quite put his finger on. “ Did Neelix escape?”

Chakotay nodded. “ He got away in the nick of time. He told us about your abduction, but we didn't arrive at the planet in time to save you.”

“How did the Bromalians know where we were?” She asked. Chakotay paused. He wanted to step around this subject for the moment, or at least until she was in better shape.

“ We can go over the technicalities later--”

Her voice was sharp, and had an edge to it like he'd never heard before when she said angrily, “I want to know *now*. How the hell did they know where I was?”

“ Kathryn, try to calm down--”

This made her even more furious. “ Damn it, don't patronize me, Chakotay! Tell me how they knew!” When he still wouldn't reply, she said, in a voice that would have been a yell if she had full strength, “ Damn you! I don't want to be protected from the truth!”

“ Rennika did it.” Chakotay blurted out.

The fury in Kathryn's face faded into bleak shock. “ What do you mean?”

“ She heard at the senior staff meeting about your negotiation.” Chakotay had to fight back his emotions, his shame about admitting this. “She sent a message to the Bromalians, she sabotaged the warp core. She set the whole thing up.” He finally said it, waiting for Kathryn's explosion. Who had he been protecting? Had he been protecting her or had he been protecting himself? Kathryn's face didn't grow angry like the woman he once knew would have. Instead, it paled a little, but there was a sense of resignation coming from her.

“ Why?” Her voice was once again low and quiet.

” Because, she was... jealous of you.” He replied. “ Jealous of the... the riendship between us.” Kathryn stared up into his eyes... no, she wasn't staring into his eyes. She was looking right below his eyes, at his nose. It dawned on Chakotay that she hadn't looked him squarely in the eyes like she used to this whole time. She had been staring just below them, or in the spot in between his eyes.

“ Jealous?” She whispered. Kathryn didn't say another word to him, but her gaze drifted to the ceiling and remained there. Chakotay stayed by her side until she was once again asleep. He was reluctant to leave her, but he still had to do his duties to the ship. He vowed to himself to help her recovery as best as he could. It was the least he could do.

* * *

“Chakotay!” B'Elanna called out, a few days later. She ran to catch up with him in the corridor. “ How is she?” She asked when she was at his side.

“ Why don't you go and see her yourself?” Chakotay asked. The mood of the ship had grown lighter than it had been in months. Everything was getting back to normal. They were on course to the Alpha Quadrant and Janeway was back. The only unrest was the hostility towards Rennika.

“ I would have. Tom and I actually tried, but the Doctor said that there were to be no visitors except for you and Tuvok, Captain's orders,” B'Elanna replied.

“ I can't believe that,” Chakotay said. “Surely there's a mistake of some kind.”

“ Well, *you* can see her, why don't you ask her yourself?” B'Elanna's suggestion seemed reasonable, but if Kathryn didn't want visitors, then he didn't want to push it on her. “ I'm sure the Captain has good reasons for what she does,” Chakotay assured her. “ It's probably nothing personal against the rest of you... lower officers.” If B'Elanna hadn't heard the jest in his voice, she probably would have belted him. Instead, she playfully elbowed him in the ribs.

“ Well, at least now the love between the two of you can thrive unimpeded.” She said, smiling.

“ Well, I'm going to give her a bit of time first.” Chakotay said. “Five months in enemy hands. She hasn't told me anything about it, but I can only imagine what they put her through.”

* * *

Janeway was awake once again, somewhat relieved that Chakotay wasn't in the room. The Doctor was deactivated. and she was left lying in the darkened sickbay in silence. She felt isolation again, and was somewhat comforted by it. She couldn't seem to feel comfortable around others. She felt that if she made one slip, they'd know everything... Kathryn felt her insides flip in her stomach, and she couldn't help but feel shame. Why hadn't she ever given Mordus more of a fight? She might have been able to fight him off, if only just one of those times, she might have saved herself a little.

She felt revulsion choke her up and she rolled over onto her side. She didn't deserve her crew. Her confidence was gone, replaced by a self-loathing Kathryn had never felt the likes of in her life. It seemed to her like every decision she had made recently, minor ones, such as what she wanted for dinner, came slowly to her, rolling into her mind like a stone as if she had not ever thought for herself before. Chakotay-- She felt so distant from him. She needed him. Someone who she could talk to about everything. And yet- it seemed to her as if he was separated inexplicably.

*If I had said 'yes' to him that night, this never would have happened.* The thought dawned on her. *If I hadn't fought wh him over Species 8472, none of this ever would have happened.* She curled up into a fetal position, her mind going over a thousand alternate scenarios that would have prevented her falling into Mordus's hands. The pain was so terrible on the inside that she could barely focus her mind. It was like the time when Vaila was torturing her. The pain was so great that she couldn't understand anything being said or answer any questions. Now, it was like that and even worse. The only difference was that it wasn't physical pain. And yet, the pain wasn't coming out. It was all packed together in a tight box, weighing down her soul. She couldn't let it out, nor would she dare venture into it. She couldn't face it. Not yet.

Tuvok had once gone over some mind exercises with her, ones that helped a person deal with grief and anguish. She knew that, if she went to him, he would be able to help her.

*But that requires a mind meld.* She cringed when she thought of Tuvok learning of her weaknesses, when she thought of his contempt, and quickly dismissed the idea. She had spoken to the doctor about returning to duty. He had relieved her of command not only until her body had settled into this gel, but until she reached 90 pounds. Kathryn hadn't realized how much weight she had lost, but it was to be expected. The Doctor had given her injections of what she needed, and she apparently had already gained back five of the pounds she lost. Janeway was looking forward to the prospect of having something other than Brexian Pokash. At this thought, she once again felt revulsion choke her up.

“ Captain, is there anything I can do for you?” The Doctor asked. Kathryn felt somewhat comforted by his presence. He was just a hologram and was less perceptive of her than anyone else.

“When can I return to my quarters?” She asked.

“ It's not so much a matter of when. You could go back now. However, you're still in need of constant monitoring, and I don't want you to walk yet, so you'd need a person to stay with you. That's the only reason that keeps you here,” he replied.

Janeway sighed, and rolled over onto her side. “ Could I have a sedative?” She didn't want to lie here all night and relive the entire thing. She just wanted to sleep, to fall into oblivion.

The Doctor seemed reluctant, but soon he pressed a hypo against her neck, and Janeway felt sleep take her.

* * *

When she woke, there was a hand stroking her forehead, gently smoothing back her hair. For a moment, she forgot that she had been rescued and reacted accordingly, flinching and jerking away from the hand.

She opened her eyes, not allowing any sign of her stress escape her... only to see Chakotay. He was staring at her, his dark eyes large and concerned. “ Kathryn,” he whispered, his voice gentle, “ How are you feeling?” She glanced around, realizing that she was in her quarters. “ How did I get here?”

“ The Doctor said you wanted to return to your quarters and needed supervision, so here I am,” He replied.

No, no, no. That's exactly what Kathryn didn't want. Chakotay could always tell when something was wrong. He read her better than anyone on the ship

“ You make it sound,” Janeway said, trying to cover up her alarm with jest, “ Like I'm a child.”

He smiled at her, and Kathryn put in an effort to smile back. It was a thin, close-lipid smile, yet it comforted him to see.

“ Do you want something to eat?” He asked. Kathryn wasn't hungry in the least, but she wanted to gain the weight that was necessary to get back to duty as soon as possible. She nodded to him, and he left the room momentarily, coming back with an unidentifiable substance.

“ I hate to make you eat Neelix's food first thing back, but the replicators are all down and I figured you didn't want any combat rations. I would have cooked myself but--”

“ It's okay,” Kathryn interrupted, sitting up in bed so that she could sit the food on her lap. “ Anything other than Pokash would be delicious. Hell, I could even eat some of his leola root soup.” Chakotay chuckled, watching as she raised a spoon of it to her lips, not too intently, but just enough that he could be assured of her eating.

The substance at first tasted somewhat unfamiliar to her, then the taste became discernible. She nearly gagged as her stomach churned. It tasted exactly like the pokash. She began to get sick again. “ What the hell is this?” She demanded.

Chakotay was puzzled, but took the tray when she handed it back to him. “It's Talaxian Plomaran. You don't like it?”

Kathryn had eaten Pomaran once before she left, and she didn't remember it tasting anything like this. She realized he was waiting for a reply, and she shook her head. “ I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

He stared for a moment, then he took the tray away.

When he came back, he asked, “ Do you need anything else?”

Kathryn sighed. “ I just need a sedative.” He caulked his head at her. She met his curious gaze and spoke, “ Is there something wrong with being tired?”

He hastily shook his head. “ No, there's nothing wrong.” Still somewhat confused, he reached into the medical kit and sedated her, and she once again slipped into darkness.

* * *

Four days later, Chakotay had arranged to take two weeks off to take care of Kathryn in case she still needed it. He read some reports from one of the chairs in her quarters. After a while, he found his eyelids growing heavy. He started to make his way over to the couch to settle down for the night when he heard her cry out, or at least he thought he did.

He came in to find her tossing and turning in her sleep, mumbling some imperceptible words. Chakotay kneeled by her side and placed a comforting hand on her, running it gently up and down her arm, soothing her. Her eyes popped open and before she was even fully awake she had pulled back away from him, throwing an arm up in front of her, her face haunted. Awareness came fully back to her, and she glanced around as if unaware of her location, slowly lowering her arms and letting her muscles relax. Chakotay was shocked.

He had never seen her actually express... for no better word... fear. She always managed to hide her emotions, to be indifferent to them; this unnerved him, even if it had only been for a split second.

“ What did they do to you?” He murmured. Kathryn stared at him for a second, then mutely turned away from him. He sat down on the edge of the bed, watching as she tensed up again when his eight pushed down the side. “ Kathryn... I know you're hurting. I--” He started to reach a hand over to her.

“ It was just a nightmare, Commander.” She snapped. He was broken out of his reverie. He almost drew back his hand, as if burned, but instead, he slowly lowered it onto her shoulder. It was not much, but a silent gesture of support. She stayed tense for a few moments, then relaxed underneath his touch. She didn't say anything to him, though; she just sat, staring at the wall, facing away from him. Telling him would be dealing with the pain, admitting it to herself, and she wouldn't-- she couldn't do that yet. Maybe just a little more time...

* * *

The Doctor had finally said it was all right for her to walk around, with help. Kathryn, helped by Chakotay, made it all the way across her quarters over to her table. She sat down, waiting for Chakotay to lay out breakfast. She grew sick just looking at the oatmeal he was preparing, but when the time came forced the barest minimum down her throat just to calm her growling stomach.

Kathryn happened to venture a look out the window, the first time she had actually done it since her rescue; she noticed the stars rushing by against the black, never-ending tapestry. This sight which had always been so commonplace to her all of a sudden seemed new, and she was shocked by the vastness of the space. The darkness stretched on forever, infinitely. During her confinement, the thought of endless space had been a comfort to her, and yet, when actually encountering it, it was terrifying. Kathryn began to feel the vague, deceptive feeling of her mind drifting, like it had in the box, and she suddenly felt small, insignificant. She quickly averted her eyes to look back at the table. The food was putrid and every single time she noticed it a wave of revulsion went through her. It all-- all of it-- tasted like Pokash.

She let her eyes move up a bit and she focused on Chakotay. Kathryn had begun, over the past few days, to feel threatened by him, in the same way she felt threatened by Mordus. Mordus had violated her, forced her to do his will and reveal things about herself that she would never reveal to anyone. Chakotay-- she felt threatened that he was going to somehow... force her into revealing what she didn't want to reveal, the same way Mordus did. She shuddered. Kathryn, there's no basis whatsoever for comparing Chakotay to Him. And despite her constant reassurances to herself, the threat was still there.

Chakotay noticed her gaze, but he didn't look up. He allowed her to stare at him under the perception he didn't notice for a while longer, allowing her to sort out whatever thoughts were going through her head.

She'd been in a shell ever since she came back, and he'd been trying unsuccessfully to coax her out. He knew she was in pain, and that she wouldn't let herself express it. Kathryn had always been the type to deal with her emotions privately, but he knew this was something she wouldn't be able to deal with on her own. He didn't know what happened to her, but he knew it must be terrible. He had seen her hurt before, but he had never seen her quite like this. He wanted to help her, but he wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

* * *

Janeway entered the bridge around 0200 hours just to avoid a cheerful reception. She knew from experience that Alpha shift would applaud, putting her on the spot. The night shift consisted of junior officers, and they'd be far too intimidated by her to try anything of the sort. She reached the bridge at the startled glances of her crew. They hadn't seen her this entire time, and were surprised and delighted to see her again. Kathryn noticed that some of them were shocked at her appearance, but they still stared at her with the same awe that they always held her in. It had better stay that way, too. She thought to herself, sitting down in her chair.

Kathryn shifted slightly. It didn't feel right. After five months with Chakotay in the chair, the chair had reformed to fit his larger frame. She frowned, but brushed the problem aside, trying to assure herself that this was all right. She was at ease here on the bridge. She wasn't a victim, she was an officer. She was the Captain. It was the closest she could get to recapturing her old life.

Tuvok was the first from the senior staff to arrive. He knew her well enough not to make a fuss over her return, and he coolly nodded to her. Janeway nodded back, grateful that he, at least, would spare her all that nonsense. Chakotay also acknowledged her without ceremony, not making a big deal out of her return. However, he'd been taking care of her for a while, so this wasn't too new to him.

It was a different matter when Paris arrived. Paris immediately headed over to her. “ Captain! It's great to see you! How are you--” Janeway wasn't in the mood to answer any questions.

She glanced coolly up at Paris and said, “ You're on duty, Lieutenant.” Paris was taken aback; he hadn't seen her for so long and she was acting almost as if nothing had ever taken place. But he took his cue with a glance from Chakotay and took his station.

When Kim came on the bridge, his face lit up and he looked like he was going to bound right down to the Captain and tell her when Paris shot him a warning look and gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. Harry was puzzled, his face falling slightly, like a dog who's master had just reprimanded him, but he went to his station with only a word of greeting with Janeway.

Kathryn shifted in her command chair, all too aware of the unnatural quiet that had settled over the bridge. Usually, there was faint conversation, or joking around. Today, there was none. She felt Chakotay's eyes on her, but she didn't meet them. Instead, she stared at the floor or at the ceiling, or she watched the back of Paris's head. She didn't need to look out the viewscreen. It would be terrible if she got sick when people were already so concerned about her.

* The sooner I make the transition, the sooner it will all be over.*

* * *

They had shaken their pursuit (led by the infamous Vaila Hath'Hart) for a while, and had a chance to go on shoreleave. Chakotay invited her to go for a walk with him, and she quietly refused. The last thing she wanted right now was to take a break. She couldn't when she already had so much work to do from neglecting her duties for so long.

She stayed holed up in her ready room for two days straight, going over reports and system's diagnostics, anything to keep her mind busy. Kathryn was put off when Chakotay finally barged his way into the ready room and refused to leave unless she accompanied him to the messhall. “ You need some fresh air.” He explained. “ The ventilation system makes sure of that for me.” Janeway replied, not looking up from her work. He continued to cajole her until she finally agreed to take a break.

Upon entering the messhall, Janeway began to feel uneasy for a few different reasons. First, the far wall was practically all windows, showing off the vast, expansive space beyond. Second the smell of Neelix's food that reminded her so much of Pokash, which reminded her of her time as a prisoner, which reminded her of Mordus. And third, the numerous crewmembers who had briefly stopped talking to stare at her. Chakotay shot them a glare, and they all turned back to their conversations. She walked half in a daze, following Chakotay to a table. He went to get their food, and Kathryn sat, back to the window, trying to ignore all the curious stares that were once again directed her way. A few people walked up while he was gone and greeted her, and Kathryn tried to muster good humor, but she found it difficult. She was relieved when Chakotay was back, and no one else dropped by.

Neelix hadn't seen her, and she spotted him carrying a tray out of the messhall. “Where's he going?” Janeway inquired, trying to make small talk to make this meal less awkward.

“ Feeding Meta,” Chakotay mumbled almost imperceptibly, staring down at his food and not looking at her.

“ She can't stay in the brig forever,” she murmured. Chakotay nodded with a bit of a sense of resignation.

“ I... I know. We have to have the Captain's evaluation of her before she can be approved...” He faded off, watching Kathryn's eyes. She seemed to be looking at him, and yet her thoughts were very far away. “ Listen, I don't think anyone's going to blame you if you don't do it. If you want me to--” He began.

“ No. I'm going to do it,” Kathryn spoke with conviction. She met his gaze and held a confident front. He seemed to relax slightly when he saw the change in face-- a spark of the old captain coming back to life.

Janeway noticed his change in demeanor throughout the meal-- he didn't patronize her as much, didn't treat her like a fragile flower that would shatter at his touch-- and she was satisfied that she looked confident enough. Now, if only she felt confident.