"Lucky"

by Brandy Dewinter

(c 2000, All rights reserved)

Chapter 13

     When I did make it through the door, some time later, I found the
room to be dark except for the flickering light of a fire.  I could see 
Lonna sitting on the floor against the couch, either watching the fire or
asleep, so I tried to be quiet as I finally shed my clunky ski boots and
struggled out of my ski suit.  Finally, wearing my silk long underwear and
not much else, I went over to sit near Lonna.

     "Hi," she said.  Awake, at least.

     "Hi," I answered.  Even as I said it, I knew my tone was not as 
casual as I had intended.

     "Did you enjoy your skiing?"

     "Um, sure."

     "And the rest?"

     "What rest?" I asked, too quickly.  Then she made it worse by not 
bothering to answer.  

     We stared at the fire for a while as though there were answers 
there, but if she found any, she was the only one.  

     Words started coming out of my mouth, softly, tentatively, sniffing 
the air for signs of risk.  I wasn't really explaining so much as 
exploring, sometimes incoherently.  But I couldn't be quiet, either.

     "He put his arms around me.  Oh, God how I missed having someone put
their arms around me.  Hug me.  Support me.  I was standing at the door,
thinking about opening it, thinking about inviting him in.  He slipped his
arms around me from behind, gently, and just hugged my waist."

     "It was as though I was suddenly too tired to stand, almost too tired
to breathe.  I sagged back into his arms, against his chest, letting him 
lift me as much as squeeze me."  

     Lonna stirred just a little.  She didn't say anything, but she 
shifted her weight so that she was, somehow, a little more distant even
though she didn't move an inch.  

     "I don't know if it was his hands directing me, or my own impulse,
but I found myself turning so that I could put my arms around him, too.
I hung on his neck, put my head on his shoulder, let him hold me.  Still 
so gentle, yet strong, too.  I don't know if my own legs would even have
kept me upright then, but they didn't need to.  It felt so wonderful to
be close to someone again, feeling a vibrant, living body touching mine."  

     "I felt his hand in my hair, first caressing it, then softly pulling 
it to get me to move my head back.  Then his lips were so close to mine."

     I stopped then.  What happened next with Roy was not what I had 
expected, and I truly didn't know what to say. 

     Lonna didn't say anything, either, but I heard a sniffle and I looked
up.  Even in the dim light from the fire I could see that she was crying.

     All right.  I'm an idiot.  And insensitive, and too stupid to be let 
out without a keeper.  All this time, and I had been blind.  At least I 
got there in the end.

     "Oh, God, Lonna, don't cry.  You don't understand.  Roy kissed me, 
but I didn't like it.  It wasn't comforting or nice at all.  It didn't 
feel right, and it for damn sure didn't arouse me." 

     I slid over closer to her and took her into *my* arms.  I held her 
close to me and said, "Oh, God, Lonna, how could I have been so blind?  
I don't want a man in my life.  I want a woman.  I think, I mean, 
I want . . . you."  

     "You don't have to say that to make me feel better," she said in a 
tight little voice that I could barely hear. 

     "You're right, and I'm not," I declared firmly.  I pulled her back 
with me as I leaned against the couch.  We looked at the fire some more,
but this time she was cradled under my arm and my cheek rested on her 
head.  I started talking softly again, exploring again, but this time 
with a different insight.

     "Dear Lonna, tonight I realized how much I want, how much I need to 
be close to someone.  I thought . . . I wanted that part of me to be dead
so that I never had to risk a loss again.  That's why I've been Tami, 
really, I think.  Tami was Tim plus Trish and didn't need anyone else."

     "Was?" she asked, picking up on the word I hadn't even realized was
key.  

     And I for sure didn't know what to say in answer to her insight.  Why 
had I spoken of Tami in the past tense?  The pause lengthened, the fire 
consumed our attention as it had done for humans over the centuries and 
eons.  Finally, Lonna asked quietly, "Do you regret becoming Tami?"

     "No," I answered sharply, sharply enough that I realized that was an
important truth, too.  Then I continued more softly, "I have learned so 
much about Trish, made her more real in my memories than even when she
was still . . . with me.  I still want to touch that closeness, to think, 
'this was something of Trish, something we share.'" 

     "But it's not enough," I said, realizing that was another truth.  

     "What's missing?" Lonna asked. 

     "I'm not sure I know, exactly, but I know what's not missing.  It's 
not something about dressing, or about Trish.  It's about me.  I haven't
learned anything that showed me any more about Trish, not really, since
the night of the writers' ball when I went out with Bud.  I enjoyed the 
things we did together after that, but it wasn't because I was thinking,
'Trish was like this.'  It was just because it was fun being with you.  I 
thought it was because I was being Tami - Tim plus Trish - but this 
afternoon, when you were gone, I was still Tami and it wasn't . . . what I 
needed."  

     The scene with Snow Barbie, and the pick-up lines, and the kiss with
Roy - all got jumbled up in my mind and I knew there was something that 
connected them.  Something related to being Tami.  I struggled to get 
the thoughts in my mind organized into words, rolling slowly out of my
confusion.  

     "Tami couldn't ever get close to a man.  It was physically impossible,
for one, but more than that, it was . . . unthinkable.  I stayed safe, in 
a crowd, doing 'proper' things.  I could be attractive, even sensual, and
it was nice to be flattered.  It made me feel better about myself, less 
like I was alone because I didn't deserve to have someone in my life.  And
I never had to prove it, one way or the other, because I was always 
proper."

     I felt Lonna's hand reach up to stroke my cheek, and realized that
she was wiping away a tear I hadn't noticed fall.  My mouth kept exploring
things that my mind didn't really understand, trying to come to grips with
feelings I had been locking away.  

     "And women, that was automatically improper.  Trish wouldn't have 
done that.  So any woman attracted to Tami would not have been attractive
to Tami as Trish.  I . . . found that out this afternoon.  At first, I was
jealous of this beautiful woman who spoke to me.  In my mind, I was very
catty and, well, unkind.  But she made a pass at me, and I realize now I 
had been as uncomfortable with that, as Tami, as I was uncomfortable when 
Roy kissed me."

     "Tami was sort of armor for me, proof against the advances of men or
women.  Armor I wore to keep intimacy at bay."

     "But I didn't, don't, want to keep intimacy at bay, any longer.  Do 
you know what I was thinking about when Roy kissed me?"

     Her head shook just a little, enough to let me know to go on.  "I was
remembering when you kissed me in that redneck bar.  That's what I wanted.
I wanted to think that you wanted me because of who I really was, Tim, but
 . . . but I didn't think you really wanted the real me."

     Her voice, when she contradicted me, was so soft that I wondered if I 
was imagining what she said, especially since it seemed a dream too good to 
be true.  "I've wanted you since before Trish died.  Not just physically, 
and I knew you'd never betray Trish anyway.  I wanted the total devotion 
that you had for her, and that she had for you."  

     "But you made me into Tami, or at least helped.  And why did you ski 
off this afternoon and leave me instead of staying with us, if you wanted 
to be with me?"

     "I didn't want to get in the way of your happiness.  I helped you be 
Tami because that was the only way I could help you at all.  If you need 
to be Tami, and Tami needs to have her femininity validated, demonstrate
her sensuality, then . . . I couldn't do that.  I wouldn't do that.  Oh, 
Tami is fun, and I enjoy spending time with her, but Tim is who I . . . 
love.  I never forgot who you really are, even when it seemed that you 
had forgotten."

     This time it was definitely my hands that provided the guiding 
pressures, my arms that turned her around to lie in my lap.  And this
time, it was my lips that were reaching down, to meet those of a beautiful
woman reaching up.

~-------------------~

Epilog


     The next morning I was the one who got up first.  While I was in
the bathroom, I took care of a few things that had not been part of my 
normal routine and didn't do a few things that were.  When I stepped
from the bathroom, my breast forms, hip pads, and long nails stayed 
behind.  The wig had been so woven into my own hair that I couldn't 
get it off, but I had pulled it back into a low ponytail, and wasn't
wearing any makeup at all.  

     Lonna's eyes were only about half open when she passed me on the
way to see to her own morning needs.  She mumbled a quick, "Morning, 
Tami" and shut the door.  
    
     Then opened it again before I had moved a step away.

     "Tim?!!"

     "Yes," I answered nonchalantly.  I was rather proud of myself for 
that 'nonchalantly'.  

     We didn't say much after that, for a while.  And it was looking 
like it was going to be quite a while before we needed words, when 
Lonna wiggled and stepped back through the door.

     "Sorry," she said through the barrier, "but I really have to pee."

     I laughed and went about making coffee, heating up a couple of rolls,
and doing whatever else seemed necessary.  The bathroom door opened behind 
me and I turned to see Lonna watching.  I just grinned and waved her into
the little kitchenette and pulled back a chair.  Though she moved forward, 
she remained standing.

     "Does this mean that Tami is, um, gone?"

     "Would you like her to be gone?"

     "No, not really," she said, smiling.  "Though Tim has some very
special advantages."

     "Thank you, milady, I'm glad you noticed," I said, bowing deeply.

     She raised an eyebrow in question, and when I didn't take the hint 
said, "So?"

     "Let's see," I said, pretending to be casually mulling through 
alternatives.  "Tami gets better service in restaurants.  She's generally
taller.  She's a damn sight better looking. . . "

     "Oh, I'm not so sure about that," Lonna said, giggling and moving 
toward me.  

     I 'allowed' myself to be distracted for a long, lovely moment, then 
I pulled my head back and looked her directly in the eyes.  "Lonna, love,
I will be for you all that I can.  If you like Tami, at least as a change
of pace, then I will gladly be Tami.  But I realize now that I no longer 
need that armor - that I am really Tim.  Is that okay with you?"

     "Perfect," she said.  Then she showed me she was pretty near perfect
herself.  For the next 50 years and change, as it turned out.  

     Lucky me.