08/07/04: Briton Banned From USA. Yesterday a British citizen, John Smith, was banned from entering the United States because of his outspoken views. Smith has been on the record as saying: 'People should have the right to speak freely.' George W Bush immediately enacted the lifetime ban stating that Smith was inciting terrorist attacks against America. Bush insisted that he was at liberty to do 'anything to protect the only truely free nation in the world.'
09/06/04: National Icon of Britain Abroad is 'Scumbags'. A worldwide internet pole has revealed that foreigners think of scumbags when they think of Britain. This new generation of dole-yobs is largely attributed to Labour's time in office. Inspired by slackers like John Prescott, these undesirables spend all day getting drunk and abusing decent people. One observer from Shanghi, China commented that, 'Labour's Britain is rotten to its core.'
12/02/04: Shocker: Woman Exposes Foot. In an incident of gross indecency, a woman revealed her right foot during the half-time show at the baseball final in the US. Within seconds, the entire nation was clogging the phone network to complain about such vulgarity. Senator Joe MacBucktooth is as quoted as saying: 'We must delay all live coverage by 3 weeks to stop this kind of blasphemy.' Other news: millions die as terrorists strike across America with hydrogen bombs.
19/01/04: European Farm Subsidies to be increased. The EU today confirmed that it was to increase the amount of subsidies given to European farmers by 10% year on year until 2010. By then they will be spending Eur130bn. Some 129bn of this will then be going to France. The deal was secretly secured during the last French EU presidency. Other news: famine ravages Africa as local farmers are priced out of markets.
16/12/03: 'Saddam' is George Bush Snr. The man found living in a rat hole by US forces was in fact George Bush Snr. In an error of immense proportions, the marines were training in the Arizona desert when they stumbled upon the crazed ex-president. DNA tests were deliberatly falsified by the CIA who thought the discovery had been made in Iraq. The older Bush is said to be 'doing well' in hospital after US soldiers used a pair of plyers and a blow-torch to interrogate him.
23/10/03: Giant Effigy of British PMs to float in Channel. A buoyant carving of monolithic proportions is to be floated in the English Channel, alongside the major shipping lane. Similar in style to Mount Rushmore, the faces of four great British prime ministers will glare towards France. They are to be Peel, Disraelie, Churchill and Thatcher. At night Peel's eyes will glow red, Disraelie's white and Churchill's blue. Thatcher's will be fitted with multiple rocket launchers to deter saboteurs.
20/10/03: Manchester University is to receive new computers for all its computer clusters. In a deal with PC World worth up to £6m, the computers will be delivered next week. A University spokesbeing said that they are needed to replace the aging Pentium 4 2.5GHz machines with Pentium 4 3GHz. The current computers will be sent to the tip.
14/10/03: 'Failed' Students guaranteed university placement. A leaked Cabinet report has revealed that the government is planning to send students who they see as having been failed by the education system to university free of charge. Criteria to qualify for the guarantee include: both parents having not worked for five years, father is a drunk, mother is pregent with fifth child, siblings have criminal records and the wearing of a shell-suit in public.
10/10/03: USSR first to break sound barrier. New documentation has revealed that Russian pilot Dimitrie Tuskalov broke the sound barrier two minutes before his US counterpart, Chuck Yeager. Tuskalov's feat was also much more impressive, as his aeroplane took off under its own power and was not simply dropped from a high altitude. Even though the documents have been verified in 48 countries, the US refuse to accept them as genuine.
09/10/03: West Coast Mainline closed after man killed by train. The man, who had just escaped from gaol and had consumed 11 pints of beer, had fallen unconscious on the track when he was hit by a passenger train. Protest group Stop Heretical Intercity Trains (SHIT) called for the lines closure and as a result train services have ceased to operate. The SHIT group campaign for road use as the only alternative. Other news: 89 die in motorway pile-up.
22/09/03: President George W Bush's IQ is a palondromic number. Whilst logged onto the internet 'researching' child pornography Bush completed an online IQ test. A prying geek known only as 'Charlie' sent the result around the world. 88 was his score.
19/09/03: Italian blunder at UN General Assembly. Italian Foreign Minister Benito Spaglatelli said of Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon, 'I'd always thought he had a big nose, then it clicked: he's a Jew.' Rumours are circulating that Mossad has received orders for Spaglatelli's assassination.
17/09/03: Arnold Schwarzenegger is having difficulty registering for the Californian elections. It is speculated that this is because he is actually a T800. When pressed by reporters as he was leaving his Californian home his only comment was: 'I'll be back.'
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